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Original poster

Slightly offended DGM announced I 'married well'

110 replies

Jackjackjackaroo · 04/07/2024 21:36

For the record, DGM has form for being very spiteful, lots of backhanded compliments and general bitterness towards others doing well for themselves.
At a large Family gathering yesterday I overheard her saying how lucky I am to have DH because of his Job and that I should be grateful I married well.
Yes, DH does have a very successful job, we are comfortable but due to the nature of his Work, he is often an absent Father / Husband and has been for Years.
I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness. My upbringing was truly terrible so my life's mission has always been to help others, DH supports that wholeheartedly.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/07/2024 21:39

Tell her that her retirement funds paid your dowry and as of 2025 her new home will be a kennel.

HappierTimesAhead · 04/07/2024 21:39

People who value kindness and compassion will commend you for choosing a career that helps other (I do!) but bitter, nasty people like your DGM will only have spiteful comments to make. It sucks but it is what it is.

QuickMember · 04/07/2024 21:40

Jackjackjackaroo · 04/07/2024 21:36

For the record, DGM has form for being very spiteful, lots of backhanded compliments and general bitterness towards others doing well for themselves.
At a large Family gathering yesterday I overheard her saying how lucky I am to have DH because of his Job and that I should be grateful I married well.
Yes, DH does have a very successful job, we are comfortable but due to the nature of his Work, he is often an absent Father / Husband and has been for Years.
I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness. My upbringing was truly terrible so my life's mission has always been to help others, DH supports that wholeheartedly.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

That wouldn’t sit well me either. Someone especially in the family disrespecting me basically. Hope you don’t feel too deflated. This was an ignorant comment your dgm made.

Allfur · 04/07/2024 22:14

'Yes, he's a lucky bugger too'

Penguinfeet24 · 04/07/2024 22:18

Why do people let people talk about them like this?! I'd have said very loudly back that he didn't so too badly for himself either did he? Don't put up with this passive aggressive crap!

CyanideShake · 04/07/2024 22:18

assuming she's elderly I'd have said people of that generation were more pragmatic about marriage and by their measures you did marry well.

but she sounds like a pain in the bum in general, so just roll your eyes and drop some sleep inducing brandy in her horlicks.

Whitesky75 · 04/07/2024 22:22

Im sure a lot of people want to do charity, but cannot as they have to earn to pay bills and put food on the table.

You are lucky that your DH earns enough to enable you to take up charity jobs. You definitely married well. Nothing wrong with what your relative said.

Original poster
Jackjackjackaroo · 04/07/2024 22:24

@Allfur That's exactly what my DM said! The others in conversation where very complimentary of Me and then she was heard saying "Oh yes yes of course Jackjackjackaroo is very lovely" but it's still grated on Me Sad

OP posts:
justasking111 · 04/07/2024 22:24

As my son would say grannies got no filter.

Pottedpalm · 04/07/2024 22:36

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/07/2024 21:39

Tell her that her retirement funds paid your dowry and as of 2025 her new home will be a kennel.

That is a disgusting thing to say.

Curtainnovice · 04/07/2024 22:37

do you think you married well?

it sounds like you did by your own admission
he could be an absent father earning pennies so you wouldn't have the luxury of working for charities etc

it wouldn’t bother be in the scenario you describe but if it bothers you, you need to learn to call people out, it doesn’t sound like it was said with malice though

purpleme12 · 04/07/2024 22:40

I'd have just interpreted this as her way of saying she liked my husband!
But maybe I'm wrong!

Zanatdy · 04/07/2024 22:57

It’s the kind of thing my mum would say. She once said ‘hasn’t Jane done well for herself’ - as she’s married well (she’s a SAHM). Little regard for the fact I’ve worked my way up in a good job, she values someone who has more money.

DuplicateUserName · 04/07/2024 23:00

Whitesky75 · 04/07/2024 22:22

Im sure a lot of people want to do charity, but cannot as they have to earn to pay bills and put food on the table.

You are lucky that your DH earns enough to enable you to take up charity jobs. You definitely married well. Nothing wrong with what your relative said.

Yes, this was my first thought too.

OP, it seems as though you can indulge yourself in 'earning pennies' the way you want to, without having to worry about income because your DH provides that.

There's nothing wrong with that but there's nothing wrong with admitting it either.

coldcallerbaiter · 04/07/2024 23:06

Marrying well is a compliment?
Not everyone can.
If you get yourself a well earning spouse, that is a smart move.

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 04/07/2024 23:23

You describe yourself as 'comfortable' and then go on to say...

I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness.

So in what world have you not married well?

I mean considering 'married well' generally means married to someone with a good income.

Notthatcatagain · 04/07/2024 23:41

I think for her generation 'marrying well' is a compliment. So many women had really hard lives, huge numbers of children, not enough money to go round. Marrying well was what they hoped for their daughters most of all, education and careers were not so easy to get for women until pretty recently and charitable works were just what was expected of the better off. I don't think she meant anything bad at all

BabyFedUp445 · 04/07/2024 23:45

You did marry well.

I'd love to use my skills to do charity work and help others but I'd have no home and my children would have an incredibly impoverished life.

cavernclub · 05/07/2024 07:21

It's a generational thing. I wouldn't worry too much. We forget how far women's rights have come. She is of an era when women didn't have the same opportunities, so marrying a man with means meant a much easier life.
And you have married well if your DH is a lovely bloke - maybe she just likes him!
Hopefully it's just outdated, clumsy language on her part.

musicalfrog · 05/07/2024 07:26

Would rather that than 'married a complete arsehole' and that be true.

You are happy in life and that is why things like this bother you. It's small fry in the big scheme of things.

Tricho · 05/07/2024 07:29

I mean - by your own account you did

Lots of us would love to be as utterly selfless and devoted to the needy as you sound

"my life's mission has always been to help others"

But we have bills to pay, you have been absolved of that by your husbands career and support that that enabled.

I actually don't think your dgm said anything wrong, I think you're just annoyed that your "life's mission" wasn't the first talking point and that instead someone recognised how privileged you are to be able to do that full time and precisely why that is.

It grates because it touched a nerve, and its true.

Own it.

Softycatchymonkeys · 05/07/2024 07:29

It’s the old-age equivalent of saying someone is “punching”.

Regardless of whether it’s true or not, it’s an unkind thing to say

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 05/07/2024 07:45

I've heard this used more in relation to financial security than a husbands personality. Or if someone is believed to have moved to a 'higher' class. It's an old fashioned attitude when women didn't have earning potential and 'marrying well' was their ticket to a good life and the only control they had over their circumstances. I wouldn't get upset over this. It's complimenting your DHs background but also your life choices. It's just outdated, that's all.

Longdueachange · 05/07/2024 07:54

When we laugh at the Mrs Bennet terms our dgms use, we should remember that their struggles were very different to ours.
According to my dgm I married well (I take this as a compliment, we've been happily married for 28 years) I'm also lucky, apparently that he "let's" me run my little business (I'm the breadwinner). My grandmother would have worked for pennies because that's all women were deemed worthy of. She would be lost her job when she announced her pregnancy and not been welcomed back into the workplace until her dc were independent of her.

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/07/2024 08:02

I'm not sure what's offensive about it - she's right. You have married well.

You have a husband who earns a great income and allows you to dedicate your life to your passion (charity work) without having to worry about how you're going to pay the mortgage or the bills every month. That's pretty fucking amazing, really.