Slightly offended DGM announced I 'married well'

[Jackjackjackaroo]

For the record, DGM has form for being very spiteful, lots of backhanded compliments and general bitterness towards others doing well for themselves.
At a large Family gathering yesterday I overheard her saying how lucky I am to have DH because of his Job and that I should be grateful I married well.
Yes, DH does have a very successful job, we are comfortable but due to the nature of his Work, he is often an absent Father / Husband and has been for Years.
I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness. My upbringing was truly terrible so my life's mission has always been to help others, DH supports that wholeheartedly.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

Very few people are high earners at a young age, though.

When I met DH he was only on minimum wage. He now earns well above that running a very successful business - I would absolutely say I "married well" in that respect, especially as his income gives me the ability to work in a field that's very much my passion - I couldn't do that if he didn't earn what he does.

I dont see the issue tbh.

You do appear to have married well.

Absolutely. I don’t recognise the idea that the lower earner (and guess what, it is seldom the man…) ‘naturally’ takes a professional step back when the couple have children. DH earns more than I do because he left the field we both trained for in favour of a more lucrative one, but this doesn’t mean he or I accept he does less parenting, less household gruntwork, or that my career is less important.

OP, I married well too.
I'm not offended the slightest, in fact I'm very fortunate and grateful to have the life I always wanted.
45 yo, no kids.

The poster thinks it’s the 1950s who on earth thinks a man can’t have a family and support unless he’s some little woman behind him. Bloody hell

But you have. Well done.

But you have married well! What’s wrong with saying it?

In comparison to you, I’ve spent my working life unable to pursue a passion due to the simple fact that it could not pay any of my bills without a significant financial investment upfront (training), and I don’t have money or a rich husband who could bear the financial burden while I do what I love.

You have the luxury of being able to do what you love and not worry about money. You’re very much an outlier.

I say this without envy. It’s just baffling to me that you don’t see that the only reason you can do this is thanks to your husband being a high earner = marrying well (if he’s also a nice person and it sound like he is).

Nobody is questioning your ‘contribution to society’ but it’s also not wrong to point out that you are able to do it because you love it and because money is not something you have to worry about, thanks to your husband.

Btw, I’d say the same if you were a man married to a wealthy woman and complaining about being described as having married well.

And presumably he married well in choosing someone with compassion at the heart of their nature and who has the capacity to do the lions share of parenting abd enabling his career to progress by enabling him to work away all the time.

And he married well in that he married someone willing to take on the lions share of domestic and parenting responsibilities enabling him to work away from home so much of the year.

@EdgyCat

Your compromise is that you see him less and his compromise is not seeing his family much AND being responsible for their income.

Her compromise is ALSO that he is not around much to share in the day to day drudgery and responsibility of parenting and domestic work.

Unless you don't think this is any sort of work or effort

It sounds like you did 'marry well' but also that your husband 'married well'. I don't think that's offensive.

I have always done regular charitable work but have only been able to do it because of my husband's salary. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But he is also putting up with some form of drudgery and shit at work, too. It's not a competition it's about owning the choices you have and being grateful to be able to choose. Plenty other women don't have the money this husband brings while also doing most of parenting and daily drudgery.

I thought "missing" him also encapsulated missing a person when they are needed to help with something, not just staring out of a window longingly and sighing 🙄

Even if she had a high flying career, it would still be correct to say she married well since he is bringing a lot of money or from a rich background. Whether homemakers are valuable to society m, which i believe they are, is a separate discussion entirely. You and op are taking a very defensive angle at a factual comment 'married well'. It doesn't mean he hasn't also got lucky with op for different reasons, it's just a very common expression that someone married a spouse with money which op did, even more impressive because it changed her fortunes dramatically. It's got nothing to do with her being a charity worker because that is a standalone comment. It's people who are insecure and sensitive about their own lack of career that offence. This is hugely projecting on the granny's comment.

But she'd still be doing that if she'd married a man doing 2 minimum wage jobs to make ends meet.

@EdgyCat you associate marrying well purely on financial reasons.

I associate marrying well with a broader outlook

Yes historically it referred to predominantly social class and then secondly with money.

We don't live in those times.

I think marrying well encompasses a much broader reflection of what is considered high value.

Looks
Money
Social status
Education level
Character

Someone with significant disability may be thought to have married well if they married someone who chose a life with them in spite of the added challenges.

Someone very unfortunate looking may be thought to have married well if they married someone stunning

Someone with little education may be thought to have married well if they married someone with a PhD

@letsgoooo except lots of people work away and work long hours without a partner at home earning pennies while they "follow their passion" 🤷‍♀️

OP can only earn very little in a field she loves because her husband supports her and carries all the financial burden. She couldn't do what she loves if he earned minimum wage.

Whereas most high earners can easily outsource childcare and cleaning if they want, and still keep their careers.

I mean to be fair she’s right, without him working his well paid job you couldn’t work for pennies could you. So she’s right In a way if it offends you then you know she’s hit a nerve.

This comment is from a granny and while you define it differently, i would have thought most British people would interpret it about money and social status @letsgoooo

Someone marrying better looking or better educated I would think is said to be punching or married out of their league.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

such a privalged entitled viewpoint when your husband pays for it

Exactly, she is projecting her insecurities. It's her own inner critic.

Correct, it is about money.

The others are out of league type scenarios.

Howecer if you marry money but the spouse is much older or unattractive, then you are sniggered at a bit. Not seen as having done so well because you are paying a price/trade off.

The OP is paying a high price, though — her DH is away a lot. She describes him as a ‘absent father/husband’ who has been so for years. Not only is she the solo day to day parent very often, but, if her DH supports her poorly-paid charity work, it’s not in the day to day sense of doing nursery pick up so the OP can chair an unforeseen crisis meeting just work late. Her career has to fit around his as well as be limited by her being sole parent in practice a lot.

That’s a huge price.

Well yes, IMHO you did - you married a man who was rich enough to take care of you, whilst you indulge your crusade

Why is the OP ‘indulging’ her crusade though? Isn’t it equally possible to read it as the OP paying heavily for a financially comfortable life by having a usually-absent husband and father to her children, and whose professional life (while she doesn’t need to worry about paying bills) has had to fit around her husband’s absences and her own status as default parent?

She seems to me to have paid a significant price for her position.

Except that she smuggly says "my life's mission has always been to help others" ,which she wouldn't have been able to do, or would have had to do with a very different lifestyle if it weren't for DH.

With a present, actively-supportive spouse, she might have ended up as the CEO of a major charity, and both helped people and made a lot of money, though? The CEO of Barnardos earned £209,999 in 2019, the CEO of MacMillan Cancer Support £200,000 in 2022 (just two grabbed at random from the internet). The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.