Slightly offended DGM announced I 'married well'

[Jackjackjackaroo]

For the record, DGM has form for being very spiteful, lots of backhanded compliments and general bitterness towards others doing well for themselves.
At a large Family gathering yesterday I overheard her saying how lucky I am to have DH because of his Job and that I should be grateful I married well.
Yes, DH does have a very successful job, we are comfortable but due to the nature of his Work, he is often an absent Father / Husband and has been for Years.
I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness. My upbringing was truly terrible so my life's mission has always been to help others, DH supports that wholeheartedly.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

She could maybe have been more tactful, but you have married a man who enables you to do the work you want to, whilst still having a good standard of living.

i do however feel sorry for the older generation... they get such bad press because they are not hip and cool and trendy! you have to remember, im however many years, when you are very old with many great grandchildren etc.. your views will also be classed as outdated.

just smile.. you are chosing to be offended

@HoneyButterPopcorn the phrase "married well" is about money, not personality

@JennyTalworts - yes that's right and why I wrote my reply. Nothing she does will change her grandmother!

And a couple of generations ago - well women didn’t have so much security did they?

Even my big sister when she got married and they bought their first place she couldn’t get her name on the mortgage. Great grandma died as a result of a backstreet abortion because her husband was a a-hole (all the family agreed) and she couldn’t cope. Mum left school at 14 to work in an office and was basically told to leave when she got engaged (by a female boss funnily enough because ‘women who get married just do it because they want to have a-e-x!’). I suppose we all have stories of women generations ago who didn’t have a lot of control in their lives because of how women were treated.

So she says you ‘married well’ (sounds like something in the Brontes!). Say ‘thank you’ and get on with your day.

But you have both made a fortunate marriage. Your DH has benefitted careerwise from a wife willing to risk taking the "company wife" role wholeheartedly, you have benefitted from being able to pursue your passions even though they were less well paid. Both of you have been able to achieve in your own areas of interest whilst raising a family.

From where I'm looking you have formed a good team which is surely the definition of a good marriage.

Well you did didn't you? Your husband fund's your ability to follow a passion project rather than a bill paying job.

And her support (with teh risks entailed) enabled him to pursue that career. They both made a fortunate marriage, not just the OP

They come from a different time where money literally meant life or death.

My DGM told me I’d never do better than my ex - who paid for everything and I lived a comfortable life. She was also aware he had been cheating and visiting prostitutes.

To her financial security was worth it to put up with that shit.

What she said is true. There's nothing wrong with marrying well. It's a good thing IMO.

You married well. You live a good life BECAUSE your husband earns well. Him being away a lot is not the point. Lots of wonen marry well, in comparison to the background they came from.

Each party brings something to the table in a relationship and your husband chose you for the qualities he sees in you.

It's still really really true that the most important decision a woman will ever make is who will be the father of her children.

Money isn't all of that by any means, but it is an important aspect.

It might be unpalatable, but it's true.

Yes, but in the context of wealth (which married well means) the OP is 'earning pennies' whilst supporting her husband.

Many women earn much more while still supporting theirs.

So again in the context of wealth, she married well and he married a supportive woman who indulges her passion.

TBH and mens achievement too is who they marry and if they marry well eg. well off family or high earning, it’s a big plus, Sunak did very well in marriage and his dc will benefit.

But you did - you found a partnership that lets you live the life and have the career that is meaningful to you. That is marrying well, in my opinion.

My Gran told me that my husband was very attractive and that I'd 'done well' to land him. I mean, she was in the early stages of dementia and wildly flirting with all manner of men, but she's also not wrong 😆

She shouldn't have said that....but I wouldn't say she's entirely wrong. Having a husband who is financially secure and successful in their career generally makes a woman's life a lot better than having a husband who is not financially secure and successful.

So money is a bigger contribution that raising the family or running the house and contributing to wider society? The OP should be grateful to her DH for "allowing her" to pursue her interests but he owes her no equivalent gratitude for allowing him to do the same? Just because the more commonaly male role is financially rewarding rather than socially valued.

That is what you are saying. Its a very patriarchal attitude assigning low status to women's work.

He (or she if the roles were swapped) could not have had both a career and a family without the OP's support.

Yep, exactly the same in my family.. the fact I managed to get to Director level in my own right is irrelevant because DH has a ‘good job’ .. so frustrating!

Well, do you think you ‘married well’? To me, no amount of income would be worth having a perennially absent spouse and a father to my child who is usually not around to co-parent— and I was not put into the world to arrange my professional life around someone else’s job because they earn more. So by my view, you married someone who’s a bit of a dud, and who forced certain accommodations and compromises on you. But it’s your life and your call, obviously.

It's not about the size of the contribution, but OP could be as wonderfully supportive as she liked. If she'd married a poor man, she either would have to be doing different work to that which she prefers, or she'd be poor.

I always wonder how people who think like this think two-career families like ours work.

That is what you are saying. Its a very patriarchal attitude assigning low status to women's work.

Nice try.

However, I'm not the OP's grandmother.

I'm simply keeping what she said in the context of 'marrying well', which is about wealth.

Does your job only bring in pennies, and can you only do it because your husband earns enough to cover all the bills?

If not, it's nothing like OP's situation.

I suspect they think ‘Isn’t John great for picking up the children from nursery so that Susan can work? And him a CEO!’

Everyone saying op married well. We don’t know that.

In my case dh and I were both low earners but his career took off and anyone looking at us 10 years later may say I married well.
In actual fact I met and married a man who built a career but at the point we got married he was an administrative assistant.
I didn’t bag a wealthy man.

He (or she if the roles were swapped) could not have had both a career and a family without the OP's support

How do you figure that out? Loads of families manage just fine with two full time workers