Slightly offended DGM announced I 'married well'

[Jackjackjackaroo]

For the record, DGM has form for being very spiteful, lots of backhanded compliments and general bitterness towards others doing well for themselves.
At a large Family gathering yesterday I overheard her saying how lucky I am to have DH because of his Job and that I should be grateful I married well.
Yes, DH does have a very successful job, we are comfortable but due to the nature of his Work, he is often an absent Father / Husband and has been for Years.
I on the other hand, earn pennies but have spent my entire career working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness. My upbringing was truly terrible so my life's mission has always been to help others, DH supports that wholeheartedly.

Not sure where I'm going with this post, perhaps just a rant, but I can't help but feel annoyed that my contribution to society is so overlooked by Salary!

But you did marry well. Plenty of parents are away for jobs that don't even pay that well. Thanks to him you get this lifestyle and are able to volunteer. There is no perfect 50-50 marriage and parenting so your deal, while it's tough missing him day to day, has many advantages, too.

And considering how rich,well educated men tend to marry off equally rich and well educatee women you have done well to bag a rich husband. You obviously are lucky and have many attractive qualities about you because this isn't the typical pairing. Some husbands work hard long exhausting hours and their wives have to work too because it's not enough money. Your compromise is that you see him less and his compromise is not seeing his family much AND being responsible for their income. You get to see the children grow up and be a benevolent philanthropist with no financial worries. It could be worse!

And i didn't read her comment as dissing your contributions to society. You were able to do this thanks to your husband. I am sure the charities are delighted to have someone like you, passionate but also financially secure enough not to leave them for a job or financial reasons. You are the ideal charity volunteer!

You did marry well 🤷‍♀️ If you didn’t have a high earning husband you’d not be able to do your job paying pennies and still be comfortable. Also if your family including your GM are poor and you’re now relatively wealthy they may well make comments like that because they can see that you have moved into a different social class.

She has form for comments like this, which speaks volumes about her. Most importantly, you and your DH value your contribution so try and ignore the spite. And perhaps limit the opportunities for her to put you down.

I would ignore it. Dh was nice about you when she said it. Plus you don’t earn the income to run the home, he does. Yes he’s absent but you’re freed up to work informally and do what you want. Most people don’t.
if she is mean in future cut down on how much you see her.

"Married well" means that you married someone who offers higher financial security. Which you did

Your work is worthwhile, and I'm sure you're a nice person but the phrase "married well" is just about money

I'd tell her that you're offended and why. Hopefully she will apologise and stop. If she continues, I'd just tell her to shut up.

As much as your life choices are commendable surely your husband earning well is what allows you to do this, and if it wasn’t him it would be benefits. Yes it grates but is there not truth in it?

Yeah, this. She's not wrong.

@purpleme12 Blessed are the peacemakers…. 💐💐💐

This is what I tell my mother every fucking time she tells me how lucky I am to have met and married my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I feel lucky and I love him to the end of the world but doesn’t mean I need to hear about how great he is for “taking on” me and my kids. My husband always points out to my mother that I took him on too (he didn’t have children before we met).

I don't think that's offensive, it's just a plain statement of fact. If anything, it's a nod to having enough acumen to engineer a life where you can now pursue your own interests. Presumably if his lack of investment in family time were a deal breaker you would have left already?

Pretty much what everyone else has said, by marrying the type if person you did enabled you to do exactly what you wanted to.

I don't know why you've taken it as an insult when it's obviously a compliment? You have inferred that she thinks nothing of your work and contribution to society but she hasn't actually said that at all. It is a compliment because it does imply you have good judgement.

How would you feel if she had said you had married badly? Would you take that as a compliment or an insult?

No it's not the equivalent at all because that's about looks, so that would be rude.

This is just a fact. The OP can carry out her life mission to help people and not have to worry about paying bills, because of her husband's job.

Presumably if his lack of investment in family time were a deal breaker you would have left already?

I'm guessing she's decided that she likes her life, and it's an acceptable trade-off. It certainly beats having an absent father to the children and having to fight for child maintenance.

You have married well. I can’t see on what planet that can be seen as an insult. It’s not the same as “punching” at all. “Punching” is marrying someone who by virtue of loveliness of some sort (usually physical), could have married someone much nicer than you. Married well is just the person you married is nice and usually also financially secure.

This is a bit of a non issue and I suspect you are actually annoyed at the amount of spiteful things she's said over the years.
Let it go for your own sanity. She has history and you won't change her.

I have a family member like this and I just now agree with them whenever they say something like this. It shuts them up because they've can't go any further if you agree!

I think what the OP is annoyed about is that her 'career' working for Charities, volunteering, fundraising and raising awareness, and following her 'life's mission to help others' isn't being recognised by her grandmother.

Exactly, it’s commendable to work like the op does but you can only do it if someone else is paying your bills.

This thread reminded me of a friend of my mother's. Very Hyacinth Bucket, marbles in mouth kind. She used her maiden name, very unusual back when I was young in the 80s. She would tell people quite openly, 'I married beneath me'. I literally heard her say this myself. Someone would ask what her husband did for a living or where she lived and she was answer with that add on. It's actually quite funny when you think on it. I wonder what her DH or kids made of it all

my reply would simply be '... yes and he's punching above his weight'

Aargh my DM has form for this too!

I can't even get too angry because I know she honestly doesn't mean to be mean, she just genuinely thinks it and it slips out.

She's described my dh, variously, as a saint, an angel, she says I'm so lucky to have him, and of course the classic "such a hands on father". Once I snapped "he's a saint to put up with me, you mean?!" And my dm looked sheepish, because yes, that is actually what she meant!

My own dad was an emotionally abusive husband, and utterly absent throughout my childhood. My grandad beat his kids (my dm and her siblings). So to my dm, any ordinary non-abusive man soars over the terribly low bar she has for men. So I try not to take it personally!

(Not that I think of my dh as just ordinary. But hardly a saint ffs)

Eg if she's had dinner at our house, she'll offer to do the dishes and my dh might insist on doing them as she's our guest. "What a saint!" Er, no. Just an ordinary man doing the washing up (eye roll)

Did she mean money though? Mum was very pleased with my choice of husband - because he always has my back, is very generous and kind and we get on really well (unlike my sisters first husband who was an arsehole).