To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

[YourRubyBee]

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago.

He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home).

I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now.

I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed).

What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs.

Any advice please

Do you think he’s on a comedown from drugs on his lads holiday? Is he saying he has other illness symptoms or just a sore throat? I think you need to have a serious chat with him about whether the last few days has been normal behaviour for him and whether he intends to lift a bloody finger.

You’re not the first person and won’t be the last to have been charmed by a useless man so don’t beat yourself up about that. He is the one failing not you. But do do something about this sharpish (and then report back because we’re nosey and want to congratulate you for doing the right thing)

He’s a qualified tradesman and not working. Why? Why would any ever date anyone who wasn’t working and would be a burden.

Be kind to yourself OP. Relationships are tricky and we’ve all had the wool pulled over our eyes at some point. You’ve realised quickly and can take steps to sort out the situation for the benefit of you and your kids x

Your poor children. Less than a year and you move in someone who doesn't do anything. Have they meet him. Kick him out op ... You and your kids dont need him. You doing so well on your own moving working and looking after kids and dog.

Have you asked him to leave yet?

This, exactly!

Are any of your teens female btw, OP? He’s about as close to their age as he is to yours.

Yeah they're both girls

You seem to have had some discussion about finances before he moved in but did you talk about sharing chores etc? Maybe he'll step up if you point out he's being a lazy git but it rather seems as if he's used to being waited on and you are just going to resent him if this continues.

This. Different stages.

If I was his sister or friend or parents I actually wouldn’t be happy at this situation from his point of view. Not only do I think it’s not great for OPs kids but he is 26 no kids - he should find someone similar instead of getting with a woman 10 years older with two children.

Many (including me ) are always advising childless women- especially younger ones - on here not to get tied down with men with kids and just to enjoy their stage of life.

I’d definitely be telling a 26 year old woman to run if she came on here talking about moving in after a year with her boyfriend who has 2 kids.

Please don't assume people are being mean, if anything they want to give you some anger so you are strong enough to get rid if needs be!

Ok without spelling out the obvious risks, this is another significant reason why it’s not a good idea.

I used to work in education and social services and seen this kind of set up go wrong in so many ways.

I think perhaps this living situation has brought things to a head and really forced you to see how incompatible you are and how he’s going to be a burden at best and a risk at worse, more than anything else.

Cut your losses and go your separate way!

Hi @YourRubyBee , you know the answer and you know you’ve been silly. Just cut ties, learn from the mistake and move on. Having this man child in your house is not a good example from your girls.

Good luck.

Recovering from a lads holiday doesn’t take 4 days, a day in bed and he needs to get on with it.

This. Rip the plaster off and get him out. He sounds like an immature feckless waster. Why have you let him engineer a situation where you do all the donkey work and he lolls around being hungover and moaning? Madness. If living together starts like this he will never respect you

They've probably changed the locks already

Nuts. He should have spent time with you at home as "transition time" before he moved there so you knew what you were getting into. He was living with his parents FFS, so he's gone to one mommy to another. You have a third child now and another mouth to fed.

I get the impression that he is good looking and charming, and that you have been impressed by the value of his parents house. None of which is the basis for an enduring relationship. Move him out and focus on your teenagers. You are setting a poor example to them.

'He is independently wealthy. He isn't working at the moment because he is using inheritance to support himself. The house he lived in with his parents is not small by any means, it is in the North West and is currently on the market at just over 1.2 million - not that any of this matters, but emphasises that he wasn't 'forced' to stay upstairs due to the house being too small. '

Great, he won't mind going back then. Rip off the plaster OP.

Pretty sure she wouldn't take all their meals up to a teenager with a sore throat.

What were his behaviours when you stayed at his parents’ house? Did he cook you meals in their kitchen? Do the washing up? Lie in bed/on the sofa a lot? In the past 12 months, has he done any paid work?

The fact that he is the age he is compared to your DD's would have me very worried. He already has you in "mummy" mode to him, but they are not his sisters so I would be very worried about him living in the same house as them.

Sorry to be blunt, but for your DD's well being, you need to get him gone asap.

Hi OP, don't beat yourself up. We've all made errors of judgement and you clearly have the wellbeing of your children at heart. It would seem that your BF has nil experience of household commitments /family responsibilities/financial responsibilities and budgeting etc. From what you've described, you have sought a gradual introduction of him into your children's lives.
It seems that an honest conversation is required with him as to what he envisages resident family life. Wishing you and yours all the best

Tell him to leave.

@YourRubyBee This.

He sounds like a complete waster.

Skilled Trades are always in demand- he should be rushed off his feet with work.

Please get rid now- before he moves in with a vengeance.