Page 8 | To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

YourRubyBee · 2024-07-04T16:49:22+00:00

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago. He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home). I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now. I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed). What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs. Any advice please

Liripipe · 04/07/2024 20:04

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 19:53

I don't understand some of the replies on here, he is independently wealthy, OP doesn't say whether it's a small inheritance or a massive inheritance, but either way he's choosing to live without going to work currently, he has a self employed trade and can make money when he needs to.

Why does he need to 'have a job' to be worthy of op, would you be calling SAHM lazy cocklodgers too because they choose not to work? or people that have won the lottery?

I think there are too many variables here for anyone to have a complete picture.

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The OP nowhere says he is 'independently wealthy', or has an inheritance of any size. She says he's 'from a well-off household', which could mean anything, depending on the OP's own idea of relative wealth and poverty. I think she means his parents are comfortable enough to not require him to pay rent or contribute to bills, which enables a 26 year old to laze about, not work and focus on the gym and going on sunbeds.

I would be very surprised if an independently wealthy 26 year old was living with his parents in a house that was small enough to mean that he lurked upstairs in bed with his girlfriend watching TV because his parents were downstairs (presumably occupying the main living room). Or that it would be an appealing prospect for a rich 26 year old to move in with his girlfriend and her teenagers and sleep on an airbed.

I fail to see the connection she makes between him coming from a well-off household and being expected to do nothing around the house, though.

IncompleteSenten · 04/07/2024 20:05

You're doing the right thing by moving him back out, particularly since you have two teenage girls to think of!

Don't take some of the comments here to heart. People pull 'facts' out of their arses sometimes and accuse you of doing things you never even mentioned!

I've been guilty of that myself sometimes tbh. Completely misleading something and thinking someone's doing something they've never so much as hinted at.

You do not need to defend yourself against invented scenarios. Don't waste energy on them.

You've realised you made the wrong decision moving him in and you're going to rectify it by having him move back out. That's a good thing. Focus on that and don't waste your time on irrelevancies.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 04/07/2024 20:06

Have never used mumsnet before, but what a horrible place it can be

@YourRubyBee unfortunately you posted in AIBU which is infamous for its pile-ons being an area where posters don't hold back. If you had posted in the Relationships section posters may have been gentler. But MN is rather straight-talking compared to NetMums (AKA Net Huns as you'll apparently get told "Aww, it'll be OK, hun xxxx" there😁)

VaddaABeetch · 04/07/2024 20:06

I’d worry too about a 26 year old ‘living off inheritance’. Surely he should using that money as a house deposit or setting up a business or something. It shows a very unambitious mind set & not somebody thinking about his future.

Instead maybe sunbeds, pub & his mates.

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:07

Liripipe · 04/07/2024 20:04

The OP nowhere says he is 'independently wealthy', or has an inheritance of any size. She says he's 'from a well-off household', which could mean anything, depending on the OP's own idea of relative wealth and poverty. I think she means his parents are comfortable enough to not require him to pay rent or contribute to bills, which enables a 26 year old to laze about, not work and focus on the gym and going on sunbeds.

I would be very surprised if an independently wealthy 26 year old was living with his parents in a house that was small enough to mean that he lurked upstairs in bed with his girlfriend watching TV because his parents were downstairs (presumably occupying the main living room). Or that it would be an appealing prospect for a rich 26 year old to move in with his girlfriend and her teenagers and sleep on an airbed.

I fail to see the connection she makes between him coming from a well-off household and being expected to do nothing around the house, though.

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He has inheritance which is currently using to support himself/pay his half of things here

Choochoo21 · 04/07/2024 20:08

You have not acted like a good parent.
There is no kind way of saying that unfortunately.

You need to ask him to leave today.

It’s different if he had no where else to go but he can just go back to his parents.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 20:09

@YourRubyBee what’s the legal situation?

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:09

Liripipe · 04/07/2024 20:04

The OP nowhere says he is 'independently wealthy', or has an inheritance of any size. She says he's 'from a well-off household', which could mean anything, depending on the OP's own idea of relative wealth and poverty. I think she means his parents are comfortable enough to not require him to pay rent or contribute to bills, which enables a 26 year old to laze about, not work and focus on the gym and going on sunbeds.

I would be very surprised if an independently wealthy 26 year old was living with his parents in a house that was small enough to mean that he lurked upstairs in bed with his girlfriend watching TV because his parents were downstairs (presumably occupying the main living room). Or that it would be an appealing prospect for a rich 26 year old to move in with his girlfriend and her teenagers and sleep on an airbed.

I fail to see the connection she makes between him coming from a well-off household and being expected to do nothing around the house, though.

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He is independently wealthy. He isn't working at the moment because he is using inheritance to support himself. The house he lived in with his parents is not small by any means, it is in the North West and is currently on the market at just over 1.2 million - not that any of this matters, but emphasises that he wasn't 'forced' to stay upstairs due to the house being too small.

He also isn't sleeping on an airbed here, I am not struggling and we have everything we require - including a bed. We are waiting on the blinds being fitted. He did bring an airbed (which we use for camping at festivals) into the living room.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:10

VaddaABeetch · 04/07/2024 20:06

I’d worry too about a 26 year old ‘living off inheritance’. Surely he should using that money as a house deposit or setting up a business or something. It shows a very unambitious mind set & not somebody thinking about his future.

Instead maybe sunbeds, pub & his mates.

Yes, I agree with this. I have been blinded. He is very charming and I believed I was in love. Not defending myself as I see how ridiculous this all is now.

OP posts:

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 20:10

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:19

Yes he is, I'm 34 and he is 26. I am very quickly seeing how stupidly I have acted here.

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Wow…

SamW98 · 04/07/2024 20:11

VaddaABeetch · 04/07/2024 20:06

I’d worry too about a 26 year old ‘living off inheritance’. Surely he should using that money as a house deposit or setting up a business or something. It shows a very unambitious mind set & not somebody thinking about his future.

Instead maybe sunbeds, pub & his mates.

100% - a grown man entering into a live in relationship with a women who has kids surely the sensible adult (and decent) thing to do would be to use that money to invest for their shared future rather than pissing it up the wall living like a jobless party boy.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 20:14

I’d also feel really uncomfortable with him being almost as close to your daughter’s age of 16 as to your age…

MrsLeonFarrell · 04/07/2024 20:16

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:10

Yes, I agree with this. I have been blinded. He is very charming and I believed I was in love. Not defending myself as I see how ridiculous this all is now.

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Everyone makes mistakes, it's good you can move on before he gets too embedded on your house and harder to shift.

Planesmistakenforstars · 04/07/2024 20:16

Could you have done things differently? Maybe. But he probably would have said and done all the right things while he stayed at yours and still only shown his true colours when you moved in together and he had his feet under the table. You've found out early on that it was the wrong decision, so act on that and get rid of him from your home.

Is this a sign of things to come?
Yes, so much yes that there is not enough yes to express it.

Any advice please
Move him out. Never ever, ever have children with him.

unsync · 04/07/2024 20:17

Send him back to mummy for your own sanity. If he's living off capital rather than an income generated from the capital, he lacks financial acuity too. Maybe take things a bit slower in future.

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:20

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 20:09

@YourRubyBee what’s the legal situation?

It is my home independently, we have no financial ties and there are no legal ramifications to me asking him to leave

OP posts:

Pootle23 · 04/07/2024 20:21

Send him back to his Mummy

6pence · 04/07/2024 20:21

You. Red an honest, lay your cards on the table, chat. Lay our your expectations and go from there.

whynotwhatknot · 04/07/2024 20:22

hes 26 so basially still a teen in his mental age- youre at very different stages in your lives

being kind this just wont work

NotSoHotMess24 · 04/07/2024 20:27

Is he usually in work?

And how often does he go for lads holidays?

If he literally is between jobs and has a new one already lined up for in a week, and only goes on drinking holidays once every few years, I might give him the benefit of the doubt this one time.

Anything else and he'd be gone.

FloatyBoaty · 04/07/2024 20:28

Can you afford the house on your own, OP? If so, I would just say to him it’s over. I assume you’re renting? If so and he’s put money towards a deposit, you probably need to give him that back.

FloatyBoaty · 04/07/2024 20:29

If you can’t afford it on your own I think you got 2 choices. Either you grit your teeth until your minimum rental term is up then split up with him, or you fuck him off now and get a lodger and hope your landlord doesn’t find out. Or if you have a female friend who’s looking for a housemate, maybe that could work?

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 20:33

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:20

It is my home independently, we have no financial ties and there are no legal ramifications to me asking him to leave

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phew

off he goes then.

NotAgainWilson · 04/07/2024 20:34

A sign of the times to come??? Don’t be silly Op, this is your life now unless you kick him out tonight (and stay firm in not getting him back). If this is how it is starting, it will get much worse.

Repeat this as a mantra:

I am a single mum
I need someone to help me pull the cart
Not someone to sit on it with the children while I pull it alone

I can’t use the money and the patience my children need from me to keep an unemployed cocklodger in comfort.

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 20:35

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 20:20

It is my home independently, we have no financial ties and there are no legal ramifications to me asking him to leave

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phew! I’ve been waiting for you to answer that question, I’m so glad that’s the answer!

you’re free to do what you think is best then OP, all the rest of the chatter is incidental, I’d personally give him the benefit of the doubt with regards to coming back from holiday ill, there is a lot of covid type flus making the rounds, one of my relatives have just come back with an illness that wiped them out for at least a week.

you know you have the choice to send him back to his mum and dads if it doesn’t work out so you need to have to have a good chat sometime about what your expectations are for living together, he may have assumed you’ll be his new mum figure and if so he’ll be in for a rude awakening, I’d give him a couple of days grace then start as you mean to go on!!