Page 7 | To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

YourRubyBee · 2024-07-04T16:49:22+00:00

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago. He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home). I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now. I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed). What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs. Any advice please

VaddaABeetch · 04/07/2024 19:42

He’s a cocklodger & hes ok
He drinks all night & sleeps all day
He’s a cocklidger & he’s ok
He does no work & gets his end away

chanceornochance · 04/07/2024 19:46

@YourRubyBee I think you're getting quite a hard time here ... but think of it as tough love.

You might have been stupid - and it's the easiest thing in the world for others to throw their hands up in despair and outrage.

We all make bad decisions sometimes, and in fairness to you, I'm guessing you didn't expect him to behave like he has been. Why would you? You had a vision of how life would be with him, and he's monumentally disappointed you.

But ... the good thing is that he's not wasted any time in shattering your expectations. And you've seen him very clearly for who he is and how he wants to live in your home. I'd call that a win.

Because, before he gets settled and things get complicated by his feet under the table, you can say clearly and assertively, sorry, this is a mistake. You need to move out again. Immediately.

Don't whatever you do hold out hope that things might get better, that you'll persuade him to be a good presence in your home. I did that and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

You know - and everyone here is telling you - that you've made a mistake. That's okay. Just like another mistake, act NOW to correct it and minimise any fallout. And apologise to your kids and move on happily, forever grateful to have sidestepped the cocklodger bullet.

EnglishBluebell · 04/07/2024 19:46

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 18:31

He does know the kids, they have met him alot and we have been out for meals, days out etc. They have stayed at his parents house with us also. He grew up in a very well off household and I'm starting to get the impression nothing was ever expected of him at home.

He is definitely a joiner, he has worked whilst we've been together but not recently. The more I write the more I'm seeing sense but tbh his priorities seem to be the gym, sunbeds, pub with his friends and sleeping most days recently.

Ffs, how stupid have I been.

Edited

What??? You introduced him to your kids already?? JFC

Horses7 · 04/07/2024 19:46

Wow he’s a keeper isn’t he? Value yourself and your children, you deserve better.

Peachy2005 · 04/07/2024 19:46

Straight back out @YourRubyBee - tell him you can review the situation in a few months when he is holding down a proper job, if it helps to persuade him to leave now. Then breathe a sigh of relief, explain to your kids why it was a huge mistake and resolve not to do it again! Good luck!

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:47

Have never used mumsnet before, but what a horrible place it can be. I asked for advice, I realise I've been an idiot here and I'm going to resolve it this evening. Yes, I've not handled this whole thing the best. I thought I was doing the right thing not having him at my house around my girls which is why we started with going out bowling, days out, food etc so they could get to know him. I have obviously missed a very important step of having him stay over occasionally and then building it up from there (if things went well) but I will resolve this and learn from it in the future.

I wasn't taking my children to stay at his house so that I could have sex or 'choosing dick' over my children. I only stayed over at his house when my children were with their dad other than the one time we went to his house for a bbq and my kids were enjoying spending time with family members of his the same age as them. They were making friends and enjoying the hottub, cinema, horses etc. They wanted to be there and I allowed them to stay over that one night.

I am not saying I haven't acted stupidly here, I obviously have but I'm not denying that fact and some kindness wouldn't go a miss.

OP posts:

Jimblebells · 04/07/2024 19:47

Cutting the crap and emotions out of this, I'm not a "divorce him, boot him out" snowflake, I just came back from a weekend away with covid, and slept for 2 days. 100% out of character, I'm up at 5 every morning for a walk before waking the household with teas etc.
If he has the same covid strain give him another 24 hour then he will be right. If he's a lazy B he'll still be moaning in bed then give him the boot.

tuvamoodyson · 04/07/2024 19:48

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 18:31

He does know the kids, they have met him alot and we have been out for meals, days out etc. They have stayed at his parents house with us also. He grew up in a very well off household and I'm starting to get the impression nothing was ever expected of him at home.

He is definitely a joiner, he has worked whilst we've been together but not recently. The more I write the more I'm seeing sense but tbh his priorities seem to be the gym, sunbeds, pub with his friends and sleeping most days recently.

Ffs, how stupid have I been.

Edited

…on a scale of 1-10 about 42….get him dumped!

itsmylife7 · 04/07/2024 19:49

Why are YOU cooking him meals and serving them to him ?

Why would you knowingly move a man that's unemployed and loves sunbeds, pubs and mates ?

You've essentially moved a "stranger" in to your home.

You spent 3 nights together locked in his bedroom like teenagers.

Waffle78 · 04/07/2024 19:50

You have a man child. I wouldn't be cooking for him and waiting on him hand and foot.

I would get him to do a COVID test though.

Exactlab · 04/07/2024 19:50

Can you please answer why you’re bringing him meals?!?!

LittleGreenDragons · 04/07/2024 19:51

Have never used mumsnet before, but what a horrible place it can be. I asked for advice, I realise I've been an idiot here and I'm going to resolve it this evening.
Nobody has been horrible actually. Most people have been quite restrained even about him. We've just agreed with you that your actions have been stupid.

Good to see you are fixing your mistake. Onwards and upwards.

MrsSpoonOfButtonMoon · 04/07/2024 19:51

If your kids are sons, don't teach them that it's ok to treat a partner like this.

If your kids are daughters, don't teach them that they have to accept partners who treat them like this.

chanceornochance · 04/07/2024 19:51

@YourRubyBee the relationships board would have been a much kinder place for you, you might be able to get the thread moved.

Original poster

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:52

Exactlab · 04/07/2024 19:50

Can you please answer why you’re bringing him meals?!?!

I thought he was genuinely ill, as the days go on I'm very much doubting that so have stopped doing it today.

OP posts:

Lara333 · 04/07/2024 19:53

Making him meals and taking them to him…he would starve in my house.

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 19:53

Peachy2005 · 04/07/2024 19:46

Straight back out @YourRubyBee - tell him you can review the situation in a few months when he is holding down a proper job, if it helps to persuade him to leave now. Then breathe a sigh of relief, explain to your kids why it was a huge mistake and resolve not to do it again! Good luck!

Edited

I don't understand some of the replies on here, he is independently wealthy, OP doesn't say whether it's a small inheritance or a massive inheritance, but either way he's choosing to live without going to work currently, he has a self employed trade and can make money when he needs to.

Why does he need to 'have a job' to be worthy of op, would you be calling SAHM lazy cocklodgers too because they choose not to work? or people that have won the lottery?

I think there are too many variables here for anyone to have a complete picture.

Iwasafool · 04/07/2024 19:55

OP do you think he is ill? My view would depend on that, if he's ill give him a few days, if he's just bone idle well you know what you need to do.

Good luck.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 04/07/2024 19:57

Get rid. He sounds like a child.

Buddysbunda · 04/07/2024 19:58

Covid is doing the rounds again, I know lots of people down with it at the moment. It is possible he brought it back souvenir. I think you should have a sit down talk with him when the kids are in bed and tell him your doubts. How he reacts will probably tell you all you need to know.

Irishdragon · 04/07/2024 19:58

What do you think you need to do ??? Kick him out immediately !!

ElleLeopine · 04/07/2024 19:58

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:47

Have never used mumsnet before, but what a horrible place it can be. I asked for advice, I realise I've been an idiot here and I'm going to resolve it this evening. Yes, I've not handled this whole thing the best. I thought I was doing the right thing not having him at my house around my girls which is why we started with going out bowling, days out, food etc so they could get to know him. I have obviously missed a very important step of having him stay over occasionally and then building it up from there (if things went well) but I will resolve this and learn from it in the future.

I wasn't taking my children to stay at his house so that I could have sex or 'choosing dick' over my children. I only stayed over at his house when my children were with their dad other than the one time we went to his house for a bbq and my kids were enjoying spending time with family members of his the same age as them. They were making friends and enjoying the hottub, cinema, horses etc. They wanted to be there and I allowed them to stay over that one night.

I am not saying I haven't acted stupidly here, I obviously have but I'm not denying that fact and some kindness wouldn't go a miss.

There is plenty of kindness on Mumsnet, but when it's required there is also plenty of tough love and calling a spade a spade.

If everyone had kindly said 'aww hun it'll be alright', you may not have started to see clearly so quickly.

greenpolarbear · 04/07/2024 20:00

God I thought you were both 20-21 just left home until I read the part about kids.

SendNoodles · 04/07/2024 20:03

Well, I hope you find a way to backtrack this. But it seems he's showing you who he is.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/07/2024 20:03

The more I write the more I'm seeing sense but tbh his priorities seem to be the gym, sunbeds, pub with his friends and sleeping most days recently.

Where did you think his priorities lay before this though, he hasn’t suddenly been this way. Even if he comes from wealth you would have known whether he was living purposefully or behaving like a teenager.