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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To kick him out 3 days after he moved in!?

391 replies

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 17:49

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago.

He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home).

I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now.

I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed).

What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs.

Any advice please

OP posts:
fleabites · 04/07/2024 19:21

I find it hard to believe that anyone would move in someone like this after a year when there are children currently living at home. Why would you do that?

And then...
He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now
For anyone reading this who needs to hear this - never ever move a man of working age into your home who isn't working. It's that simple. Just don't. No ifs or buts.
Cocklodger territory.

WonderfulUsername · 04/07/2024 19:22

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:19

Yes he is, I'm 34 and he is 26. I am very quickly seeing how stupidly I have acted here.

How old are your teenage kids?

Lourdes12 · 04/07/2024 19:22

He's either sick or lazy

Conniebygaslight · 04/07/2024 19:22

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:19

Yes he is, I'm 34 and he is 26. I am very quickly seeing how stupidly I have acted here.

Chalk it down to experience and move on…you and your DC deserve better, but you know that. It’s what you do now that really matters.

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:22

WonderfulUsername · 04/07/2024 19:22

How old are your teenage kids?

15 and 16

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 04/07/2024 19:22

I mean who wouldn't want a lazy, unemployed alcoholic living in their house with their kids Confused

sandyhappypeople · 04/07/2024 19:24

have you bought the house together?

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 19:25

MeinKraft · 04/07/2024 19:22

I mean who wouldn't want a lazy, unemployed alcoholic living in their house with their kids Confused

I'm not defending him here, I accept he is both lazy and unemployed yes but I never once said he was an alcoholic. Yes he goes to the pub with his friends, he doesn't get drunk (maybe one or two drinks). I have only seen him drunk twice in the last year.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 04/07/2024 19:25

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 17:51

I’d give him a minute OP, if his lads holiday was anything like my girls holidays I was always good for absolutely nothing for a week afterwards recovering and catching up on sleep

Then he should have stayed at his parents til he was ready to be a partner instead of increasing OPs work load.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 04/07/2024 19:26

He’s not working, he’s had days and days of hangover, he’s done nothing to help and you moved him in with your children after only a year? Yeah. Get him out.

SuperGreens · 04/07/2024 19:26

Tell him to leave, that its not working out and he needs to return to his parents. That you have made a mistake and you are not ready to live with him and your children. Dont budge from this as I am sure he will try to wriggle his way back in once he realises what a tremendous idiot he has been in showing you who he is so quickly. Be firm and do it quick, it will only get worse and harder.

wutheringkites · 04/07/2024 19:28

26? It sounds like he was looking for a new mummy.

RuntoReno · 04/07/2024 19:29

This is grim OP, your poor kids deserve better.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/07/2024 19:29

I'd tell him to leave and then sit your teenagers down and apologise to them.

Explain that you set a poor example and that you won't be doing it again.

Otherwise they may end up conducting their future relationships in the same way.

But I think you need to act fast.

EmeraldRoulette · 04/07/2024 19:30

@YourRubyBee He'll start living off you when his inheritance runs out

Is his name on the tenancy/mortgage? You need him out quick smart.

Adding to the chorus of "I can't believe you did this". Oh, and the staying in bed is probably him sleeping off drugs as well as booze.

CoastalCalm · 04/07/2024 19:30

Probably on a come down

Topseyt123 · 04/07/2024 19:30

Chuck him out right now. He can go back to Mummy and Daddy.

RaininSummer · 04/07/2024 19:33

At 26 and lazing about living on inheritance instead of working or building his own business this suggests to me that he manages money badly and only works when he has to.

Liripipe · 04/07/2024 19:35

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 18:31

He does know the kids, they have met him alot and we have been out for meals, days out etc. They have stayed at his parents house with us also. He grew up in a very well off household and I'm starting to get the impression nothing was ever expected of him at home.

He is definitely a joiner, he has worked whilst we've been together but not recently. The more I write the more I'm seeing sense but tbh his priorities seem to be the gym, sunbeds, pub with his friends and sleeping most days recently.

Ffs, how stupid have I been.

Edited

I'm not kicking you when you already know this, but this is deeply unwise behaviour. How would you have felt at 15 or 16 if your mother had moved in someone you'd only met on days out or for meals out into your house, where he spent his time asleep for days at a time after a bender on holiday, and even when he recovers from his holiday, apparently his normal is unemployment, sunbeds and the gym? He's almost as close to your teenagers' age as he is to yours, OP -- is this really what you want them to think is a normal adult life, and a normal adult relationship? How would you feel if your daughter moved in a layabout she had to skivvy for and pay for?

YouJustDoYou · 04/07/2024 19:35

A 26 year old boyman who isn't even working, is sponging off of you, and expecting you in mummy form to look after him. Ick.

TheAquaMentor · 04/07/2024 19:36

Send him back to Mummy and daddy !!!!! you deserve better

harriethoyle · 04/07/2024 19:36

You moved a man in you've known for less than a year, who'd never stayed at your house and you have two kids?

You really are mother of the year... your poor children.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2024 19:38

You’re tak8ng h8m meals up in bed?! Blimey, can I move in too? 🤣

Noseybookworm · 04/07/2024 19:39

Get him out - he's not working and mooching off you! Why on earth are you making his meals and allowing him to lie in bed for days in your house??

mumofoneand2dogs · 04/07/2024 19:41

YourRubyBee · 04/07/2024 17:49

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, he had never been to my house (my choice) and instead I stayed at his parents house with him 3 nights a week and we went out etc. I moved house last week and he was meant to be moving in with me. Unfortunately the house move fell during the week he was away on a lads holiday that was booked months ago.

He came back from his holiday Monday night and came straight to the new house. He has effectively been in bed since. He has gotten up a few times, once to shower and once to make a sandwich, other than that he has been in bed (mostly asleep). At one point he bought an airbed downstairs and slept on it on the living room floor because there are no blinds in the bedroom yet and the sun was in his eyes and the 'couch is uncomfy' (this was during school hours and he went back upstairs to bed when my kids were due home).

I have done the house move, organising everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, school runs etc alone. I am looking after the kids (mine from a previous relationship) and the dog. He put a lampshade the night he got here and has done precisely nothing since. He says he has a sore throat but it feels like an excuse. To be fair to him he was saying he had a sore throat whilst on holiday but still managed to go out drinking every night. He is a qualified tradesman but he isnt working right now.

I have asked him to get up and come downstairs, walk the dog with me, have tea together etc (I am currently making him meals and he is eating them in bed).

What would you do? Is this a sign of things to come? He did spend alot of time in bed whilst we stayed at his parents house but I assumed it was because we spent our time together up there watching films etc because his parents were downstairs.

Any advice please

in all honesty, its like you have a teenage child, the way he is acting now seems to be the way he will act forever. He never spends time with you or your children or even take the dog for a walk? seems like your smashing being a single mother to the children you have. you dont need him send him back to his parents! let them look after their child he isnt yours.

hope everything works out for you and your children but honestly get rid. easier said then done but you dont need that in your life nore your childrens. remember your worth and thats a lot more then what he is giving you right now.#

you can do this queen.

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