Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis1]

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

Relationships are a bit like MN comments. Some people will not agree with you, some people will be rude to you, some people will seem lovely when they're not, and most people are just nice. Although in this situation, I think people are maybe straight talking when you're not ready for it because this is a sensitive issue for you.

You need to get your self esteem up. It doesn't matter whether some random person on MN thinks X or Y of you. And one man not being into you and being mean to you doesn't mean you're not a good or worthwhile person.

I know it's natural to take negative comments or a failed relationship to heart. But honestly, you need to rise above it. I'm certain there's plenty of good things about you and that doesn't change because someone else doesn't see it. You can't win everyone over. And some people aren't worth winning over.

Honestly, fuck this guy if he has been treating you like any less than you deserve.

He was controlling during your relationship and now he's trying to control you since it ended by ghosting you.
I predict that before too long, he will unblock you, mess with your emotions again then block you once more.
The best way to avoid this is to block him and move on.

I agree he has done you a favour. Maybe you continually trying to work things out so you can get back together has made him feel awkward as he obviously doesn't want that. And, although he has been a total kn*b, maybe he realises that you will never move on with him still in the picture?

Block him and move on. It is perfectly normal to want commitment at 34 - so why on earth are you sabotaging yourself by still hanging round, trying to keep in contact with an ex?

If you want commitment you need to be looking for someone else. Not hanging on to the ghost of past exes (particularly this one, who sounds a negging dickhead)

What @MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland said!

Could you explain what you mean by saying he's ghosted you?

You say he messaged last and that that you swapped messages last night. That doesn't sound like ghosting?

Absolutely this & I say this as someone who hardly ever blocks anyone! Just give yourself a bit of time to get over it, you honestly deserve & should expect better

Do you think he saw you leaving as his way out of commitment to you?

So he was still cool with you after because he still liked you being in his life, but still doesn’t want that commitment, so taking you back wasn’t going to be an option he wanted because he’d essentially already pushed you away. Maybe he thought he was getting the best of both worlds still being in contact? You in his life without any pressure of commitment?

The radio silence could be because he’s met someone new or because he’s decided that you’ll keep trying to get back with him and he doesn’t want that.

Honestly, he doesn’t sound like he treated you very well. And if he wasn’t making you feel like you were ‘the one’ then sounds like leaving was the right thing to do.

I think for your own sanity you have to accept that he doesn’t want to pick things back up and would never commit to you anyway. And move on with your life and find someone who wants the same things as you and treats you with more respect.

Girl, I could have wrote this 10 years ago. Had spent a number of years with someone who dragged his feet on commitment, always making it my fault he wasn’t there yet as if only I did this, if only I did that, I’d be suitable to marry. This is emotional abuse and wears you down. If someone doesn’t consider you a long term partner for them they should end things, not try and control and change you. I was good with money but didn’t earn as much as him and as a result was also made to feel frivolous for having controlled debts or less savings. There was always a narrative he worked harder than me and I just made bad choice but this wasn’t true, I worked my backside off for the NHS! My choices in terms of my free time were also criticised. I was also made to feel uncultured etc (Jesus, is there an actual instruction book for these guys?!?)

I’m a really strong person and knew this treatment wasn’t right, like you seem to know, but it was hard to break free. He has told you for years you are the problem so no wonder you feel like you are and are having a wobble about whether being with him is safer than not, but this is what abuse and mistreatment does to you! I too was in my mid thirties and had times I thought that perhaps I was hasty in leaving as there’s so much pressure at that age, but I wasn’t. 2 years later I met the most wonderful man. He is now my husband and is so kind and supportive and would never criticise or judge me that way my ex did. I walked on egg shells around my ex but my husband is my biggest supporter. Stay strong - he wasn’t for you and that’s not your fault. If anything, he tried to break you and he didnt succeed - you dodge a bullet, believe me! This is your second chance, please know it’s for the best you got away from him and you do not need his validation. If he was that a boyfriend could you really see him being a good husband or father?!

@Eggbert83 🙌 well done you, no doubts none of that was easy.
But you chose life and it chose you right back. 💐

People saying it was too painful for him to stay friends, I would completely understand, but I wanted us to sort things out/get back together, and he didn't. He refused that a couple of times.

You deserve someone who is completely sure they want a future with you. His behavior sounds vile, narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive. It's not surprising that he disappeared so suddenly without any respect or thoughtfulness to how you would feel. Please don't waste any more of your time on him.

@UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing Thank you. It was a terribly tough time but I realised then how often as women we write ourselves off, esp if we feel we haven’t met milestones by a certain age. I realised we all have value no matter what and happiness is worth waiting for and believing in! Xx

well that's all you need to know isn't it? Please just let him go, you're only prolonging the pain

Yes.
I hear that. You really wanted to make it work and would have supported the necessary personality transplant required for him to deliver this. You put it all on a plate and still he didn't take you up on that.
Total rejection.

That's gotta hurt... If you value his opinion... Which you really really really do (right now).

But honestly, it's seriously over valued and like a stock market crash it's due a come down.

You must be reading different responses to me here.
90% of posters have told you this guy was an abusive arsehole and you were right to leave him. Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like a nice human being.

The relationship sounds toxic, yet you kept asking him to “sort things out”, and he was not interested.

You have ignored all posters telling you he is a bully. Why?

OP, you’re fixating on this rose tinted view of him and completely ignoring the vast majority of posters telling you that your ex sounds like a complete arsehole.

I remember previous threads/posts about him (the cooking from scratch and hiding the sauce story is very familiar) and it absolutely sounds like you have dodged a bullet. He sounds bloody awful.

This!

You've not done anything wrong @Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - except perhaps delayed ripping the plaster off by going no contact.

Essentially by both remaining in significant contact and doing things like spending 5 hours together you were both hanging on to the vestiges of your relationship. That doesn’t serve either of you - but in your case I can see why you did it.

He may pick up contact again. From your description control seems a major thing with this bloke. Don’t let him control your healing from this break up. Essentially, unfortunately you need to sit with the hard painful feelings as you didn’t properly do this when you broke up. Don’t waste your time with “why” or closure. A fools errand. People can never have a true understanding of someone else’s motivations for things - only what they’d have us believe.

He wasn’t for you. But someone else, better, will be.

I agree with this. I had an ex (who I left because he cheated on me) who kept calling me for a chat in the evenings and messaging me months after we broke up. I had to block him, it was preventing me from healing and getting the unexpected unsolicited contact from him was really disturbing me. If I picked up the phone it was almost impossible to extricate myself from a love-bombing conversation I didn't want to have in the first place.

I think he has done you a favour, he sounds awful.

I understand that it may be hurtful but, in the end it, may the best thing for you. You deserve someone that is fully invested. He can't give you that/ is unsure. Continuing contact is holding both of you from moving on. This clean break allows you to do this.

He doesn’t want to sort things out/get back together.
Sounds like the only way to stop you doing any of this is to stop contact with you altogether.

You deserve to be treated much better than he ever could or wants to.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you for who you are.

100% this. OP you are so hurt and so bruised you cannot stop internalising that this was your fault. It was not. In leaving you did the right thing. You valued yourself and your happiness and you were right - and there is huge support for you here. It is always darkest before the dawn. You will be ok. Would you rather survive on crumbs forever or wait for the whole loaf? Sounds like you are just grieving right now and panicking about the future but what he was offering wasnt good enough and you are giving yourself the best possible chance now for something better to come along but it won’t do overnight. There is no instant gratification here because although you no longer have to put up with his shit it’ll take a long time before the hurt heals. But just it feels scary does not mean you made the wrong decision

And he didn't want to work things out & he doesn't have to just because you do/did!

Nor does he have to stay in touch!

This might be game playing on his part but the relationship is over now & he owes you nothing.

Why would he keep texting you OP? You’ve asked to work things out, he doesn’t want to, you’re not compatible and he may well just be finding the texting back and forth a bit tedious and unnecessary when you are separated and not getting back together. I wouldn’t call this ghosting, it’s just him moving on, you should do the same