Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis1]

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP, I similarly left my ex due to lack of commitment (after 7 years). I think secretly I hoped he'd realise what he'd lost and fight for the relationship. We stayed in touch, he kept telling me how miserable he was without me, wrote me letters about how much he missed me etc....but not once did he offer the commitment he knew I wanted. Eventually he met someone else, and I could actually see how much better suited to him she was (very similar to his mum! Much more willing to follow him in everything, didn't have a career for him to resent) I was genuinely happy for him, and it was actually a relief in a way because it drew a final line under the relationship. I met someone else too, MUCH more suited to me. Everyone ended up happy. We stayed in touch less and less and naturally drifted apart. Couldn't tell you who sent the last message/ phone call. I don't have any hard feelings whatsoever, he was a nice guy but we weren't right for each other and he saw it - thank God!!
You WILL move on, and you will eventually meet the person that's right for you- which you can't while you're still "involved " with him. So it's for the best, it really is. I know its hard, but it's NEVER a good idea to go back. Keep moving forward! There's a whole lot of life out there for you, get started on it!

I just told him I was going to stay at my parents for a bit.
Then he said he missed me a lot but the thought of getting married, kids etc. Was just too much responsibility for him.
Then he was saying he had been unhappy as he didn't see me enough due to our working hours, then about the whole cooking thing and something about how I wasn't organised/transparent about finances. That hurts because I financially supported him.

Then he said something like he wished there was a solution he could see before it was too late.

He hasn't blocked me so there's a chance he might still reply but who knows.

We all know...

You are clutching onto crumbs that just are not there.

To what purpose?

In the 8 months since you split but have remained in contact-has anything changed?

Op are you even reading these responses. Gently, you need to stop going over this and move on. He’s clearly said he doesn’t want to get back together and although I’m sure that must hurt, you need to get on with your life. There’s no need to be so defensive.

OP, you're hurt and disappointed and confused by the lack of communication but really he's doing you a favour. You can't carry on with this 'friendship' after breaking up in the vain hope he'll have you back and it will all work out. This limbo is stopping you from moving on and finding someone much better for you. He's had plenty of opportunity to try again, declare a commitment etc and hasn't. Even if he did how can you expect him to change when he treated you so badly?

Ok - so now we know marriage and kids are too much for him, and we have it in writing. So we can give it up now, right? And move on?

This is getting cringey OP.

If he gets in touch for another chance you could get back together and spend another couple of years or so trying to understand why you aren't happy even though you have won your prize.. Let us know how you get on.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - if he does start responding and you do get back together, he will just carry on treating you as badly as he did before. He isn’t going to undergo a miraculous change of character - the leopard doesn’t change his spots.

You deserve better.

OP I mean this kindly because I have been where you are at the age of 35 but he's told you he doesn't want marriage and or kids as it's too much responsibility. Nothing has changed, he still doesn't want them but also he has now said multiple times he doesn't want to get back together.

Please put yourself first. If you want marriage and kids then you need to find someone else, this guy isn't the one for you.

Are you sure you're being ghosted? I leave friends on read all the time and eventually get back to them. Life just goes on.

OP I understand the feelings, it sucks. Think of the opportunity cost, there is a good possibility that you might meet an amazing man who loves you to bits and wants everything with you if you clear your precious emotional space of him. Usually when a man says "i don't want x y z" there is usually a hidden "with you". You don't have time for this and what's certainly not okay is his awful snarky comments. It doesn't sound very joyous for you and I don't think a nice mature person behaves like that if they care about someone.

Call him and ask him. This not knowing is the worst then you can move on or get back together. But it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants.

OP. I think you need to read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. You need to understand other people’s boundaries and establish some of your own. You are portraying yourself as needy and clingy. You definitely need therapy to work on this. Don’t date until you work on yourself. You shouldn’t be so desperate for a romantic partner that you are willing to give up your dreams of marriage and family and are willing to be abused and belittled.

Sometimes people can remain friends with an ex. Sometimes they are an ex for a reason and you need to cut ties. It doesn’t sound like your ex is someone you should remain friends with. After reading comments that it has only been three days, he may not be ghosting you. He may just be busy. I still think trying to continue to talk with him is unhealthy as he is abusive.

Being friendly and chatting with a coworker can be great. If it starts to interfere with his relationship/time with his significant other, it is violating a boundary. If he ended the conversation, then that doesn’t seem to be ghosting you. That is him setting a boundary. Respect that and don’t be needy and clingy if you want to keep the friendship.

Have you read the whole of her posts? She knows. She won't accept it.

He knows exactly what he wants. He's just messing with her head and heart for fun.

Please take a step back and look at how desperate you are being. It’s understandable to feel hurt but his actions are showing you that he is not interested. Why would you want to be with someone who isn’t that bothered about you? You are not his priority so let it go (even though it is painful) - that way you are taking back control and having respect for yourself. Even if he does reply to you in a few days and throws you a few more crumbs, you need to walk away. He is not committed and you are wasting your time and energy on this man.

Indeed - bet this guy wants fresh custard and a tuna bake.

You're not right for each other. It really hurts and will carry on being painful but you did the right thing breaking up and it would be better for you if you completely cut ties. You'll meet someone who likes you for you.

He sounds controlling and knows that ghosting you will make you want him back....and he can then carry on controlling you...been there..I'd move on.

Men don't behave like this when they love you. They don't send mixed signals, they don't call you names or go out all night without saying where. They prioritise you and care about you and your feelings and they don't ghost you. So if you got back together is he suddenly going to love you and be a changed person? I don't think so. Let him go emotionally as well as physically, otherwise you're giving him the power to hurt you over and over again.

This.
Plus how many times have you asked to sort things out and he hasn’t replied? He’s telling you it’s over. Go find yourself someone who shows you the love and respect you deserve

At first I thought maybe he’s stringing you along and trying to make you desperate to get back with him but then your replies make it out that you were stringing him along.
He told you he didn’t want to settle down, you didn’t think you were his “one”. You broke up but think you made a mistake.
You didn’t make a mistake and he’s now telling you that.

You wanted out, he left. Perhaps he’s found somebody else.

MN is taking sisterly support to quite ridiculous lengths in this thread!

He's a narcissist. Be glad he's gone no contact. He is trying to get you to beg to get him back. Typical narcissistic behaviour. You're well out of it.