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Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

413 replies

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 15:55

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

OP posts:
Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:59

Sorry it's taking me a bit longer to just stop being upset over it. I will let it go when I'm ready, it doesn't happen immediately.

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 04/07/2024 19:00

OP - you do seem to be ignoring all the many, many posters who are giving you some home truths about your ex’s treatment of you and focussing only on those who are feeding your ‘I was a terrible person who just wanted to try and get him back but now he’s cut me off’ narrative.

Do you think there’s a chance that you have co-dependency issues?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2024 19:01

I do understand that, @Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - but moving on and healing is not going to start until you let go of the desire to be in touch, to have your questions answered etc.

You can’t get the car moving until you take the handbrake off. He is the handbrake.

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 19:01

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:59

Sorry it's taking me a bit longer to just stop being upset over it. I will let it go when I'm ready, it doesn't happen immediately.

It was 8 months ago that you broke up, someone needs to tell you it bluntly before you waste your most important years crying over this dick

Conniebygaslight · 04/07/2024 19:02

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:24

I'm not sure why just ghost now? I don't think he's met anyone, but I could be wrong. He was messaging me a lot on Monday and suddenly, poof.
Why after all this time?

Because he can probably tell you were changing your mind and by ghosting you he will make you want him more….its working too.

Emmylou22 · 04/07/2024 19:03

OP, stop trying to understand it. The confusion you're feeling is intentional. He wants you to question what's going on. You will never understand it because there's no sense to it.

It seems like you're hoping by staying in touch you'll become a 'better' person and the one he wants to be with forever. This isn't just a case of you two not being compatible, which is a hard thing to come to terms with. It's a case of him being an absolute prick to you. Incompatible people can still be kind, respectful, and humane to their partner. He just sounds nasty. Undoubtedly he'll do this to the next victim woman.

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 19:04

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:55

I'm sorry but that's just rude.

Maybe but is it accurate. He will have picked up on your desperation to stay in touch and can't be bothered to explain to you.

Ginkypig · 04/07/2024 19:04

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:53

Why not just an explanation at least? I get he 'owes me nothing ' but ghosting is cruel. He was the one who last messaged me, sending me memes and stuff then just suddenly decided, oh actually I CBA with this.

He is cruel he has shown you in multiple ways he is cruel and does not care for you.

Rachie1973 · 04/07/2024 19:05

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:59

Sorry it's taking me a bit longer to just stop being upset over it. I will let it go when I'm ready, it doesn't happen immediately.

8 months.

You’re having a pity party because your controlling, abusive ex has left you alone at last.

Step away. Have a look.

rainbowsparkle28 · 04/07/2024 19:07

He sounds awful. Make an absolute clear break, focus on yourself and getting yourself in a good robust place and move forwards to stop yourself getting in this situation again. He is not worth a second more of your feelings or life.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 19:08

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:53

Why not just an explanation at least? I get he 'owes me nothing ' but ghosting is cruel. He was the one who last messaged me, sending me memes and stuff then just suddenly decided, oh actually I CBA with this.

So the obvious conclusion is that he is cruel. That is the answer.

You have a really hard time accepting reality.

Respectisnotoptional · 04/07/2024 19:08

Do you know if he’s okay and safe OP, maybe something is stopping him texting.
If he is fine then yes I think he has definitely decided to end it once and for all time now for you to move on.

DogInATent · 04/07/2024 19:10

Lifechanging12 · 04/07/2024 18:39

I’ve actually considered the fact this may be a troll post now

I'm waiting for the "Vote Reform to stop this sort of thing" punchline.

But I know that's being unfair to the OP. It's just shit timing that this thread has popped up in the middle of a bot invasion MNHQ haven't been able to control.

Neininoonoo · 04/07/2024 19:13

A piece of advice I wish i could have given my younger self - if someone wants a future with you they’ll move mountains to make it happen. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work and a disappointment, the right one for you will be effortless and built on trust and respect, you should never have to ask and ask for someone to commit to you, the right one will want the same future with you.
Don’t settle for anything else! No games, no analysing text messages, no will he/wont he call, if he wants you he’ll call.
I wasted years of my life not knowing this, fighting for the wrong relationships, but now I’m in my forties and my eighth year with the love of my life!
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, break ups are hard, but you need to shut him out now as he’s done to you, and in a year i promise you’ll be like “what was i thinking?!”.

HowIrresponsible · 04/07/2024 19:15

8 months isn't that long. My sister has been trying to get a guy to leave his wife for her for 10 years.

Yes you read it correctly ten years.

I hope this doesn't go on that long.

Loloj · 04/07/2024 19:15

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:53

Why not just an explanation at least? I get he 'owes me nothing ' but ghosting is cruel. He was the one who last messaged me, sending me memes and stuff then just suddenly decided, oh actually I CBA with this.

Because he’s clearly not a very nice person OP and doesn’t have the guts to tell you straight. He’s been stringing you along knowing full well you would take him back at any time back at any time. He's probably been happy with the break up arrangement all along - having you as a back-up whilst he explored other options. Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to understand that it is over and you have had a lucky escape. Focus on you and building your confidence back up.

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 19:17

I've been ghosted by a colleague at work too gjis
week. Nothing untoward, we chatted a lot and then he suddenly went quiet and didn't reply to my last msg/stopped the convo.
I wasn't interested at all in that way, he's 9 years younger and has a gf, I enjoyed the friendship.
There's only so much ignoring and rejection one person can take.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 04/07/2024 19:20

Pity party for one wastes time, achieves nothing , stops healing and growth.

TheAlchemistElixa · 04/07/2024 19:37

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 16:24

I'm not sure why just ghost now? I don't think he's met anyone, but I could be wrong. He was messaging me a lot on Monday and suddenly, poof.
Why after all this time?

Sorry OP, but you’re starting to sound very needy. YOU dumped HIM. And you’ve asked him back twice and he’s given you his answers (which is no answer at all). Now you’re upset that he’s not replied to you in three days?! He wants to move on now. He doesn’t want you anymore, and you’ve already ended it with him.

he sounds like a Grade A twat, but I don’t blame him for not wanting to see and message you all the time. You dumped him. He doesn’t want to rekindle things. He’s moving on. You should too.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 19:39

If the 8 months is like this thread he must have lost the will to live.

Ivymom · 04/07/2024 19:39

If he were a worthwhile person, with a shred of dignity and remorse for the appalling way he treated OP while they were together, the first time OP said she wanted back together, he would have told her no and officially ended everything. He would communicate what he was willing to give, ie be friends, fwb, etc… and wouldn’t lead OP on knowing she wants more.

Out of curiosity, what do your friends and family think of him? What do they think of your continued contact with him? Has anyone in real life advised you to move on?

OP, you need to fix whatever it is within you that is willing to accept bad treatment from a partner. I’ll say it again because it is important, BLOCK HIM. Be done with him. Accept that it is over and process your grief. Don’t even attempt another relationship until you’ve had therapy.

TheAlchemistElixa · 04/07/2024 19:41

Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 · 04/07/2024 18:11

But why send me a load of jokey messages, accept a meal from me etc and then suddenly ghost?

It’s only been THREE DAYS op! He could be finding it all a bit suffocating. Calm down.

Biffbaff · 04/07/2024 19:43

Please, please see this as the sign you need to let him go. Permanently. He treats you terribly. If you want commitment and a relationship with a future at 34, he is actually showing you that won't be with him, and it shouldn't be, because he outright upsets you on purpose. Make a better choice OP, choose YOURSELF.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 04/07/2024 19:49

fleabites · 04/07/2024 18:22

Look, you dumped him because he wouldn't commit and for the other reasons listed in your OP. He sounds like a prick and you can do better than him.
You've kept up texting and so on for months when really you would have been better off having a clean break.

You went out for a meal with him and then he ghosted you. Maybe at the meal he got signals from you that you wanted him back or whatever and that's not what he wants and so he decided he had to put a stop to it.
Maybe the whole thing hurts him a lot and he's realized that having contact with you is making it worse and preventing him from moving on.
Maybe he's met someone else.

I had to ghost and block my ex in the end (even though he was the one to end the relationship). He was behaving in a similar way to you - texting, phoning, chatting, wanting to go out from time to time - but he didn't want to commit to me or to have a relationship again. I felt like he wanted to keep me hanging around as a Plan B in case he couldn't find someone better. Maybe your ex is getting vibes like that from you, even if you don't think those are the vibes you are giving out.

TLDR: He's done you a favour. You're better off without him and all this contact with him is preventing both of you from moving on with your lives.

This sums it up really.

Look this is harsh but he’s really done the kindest thing for both of you. You gain nothing from hanging on to exes, it’s far better to cut ties immediately and fully. I understand that you wanted to get back with him but he clearly didn’t want to get back with you. If he did he would have said. It doesn’t really matter why he’s ghosted now, take the opportunity to get over him and move on.

diddl · 04/07/2024 20:02

I missed that it had been three days.

I can take longer than that to reply to people I actually like!

So he has been in contact with you for 8 months since you ended it.

How long did you expect contact to continue?

For as long as you wanted?

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