Ex appears to have ghosted me, I'm devastated

[Canttakemuchmoreofthis1]

It was me who left. It was for various things, the first one being stalling on commitment.
The second was that he was quite critical of me, like I'd get a new haircut and he'd burst out laughing and say it looked like (insert X cartoon character)
Or he didn't like me using shop bought sauces so one time he deliberately hid the one I'd bought so I'd have to make a new one.
I felt like the cooking thing was a huge deal for him.
Our tenancy was ending soon and he seemed hesitant about us finding a new place to live.
Or on several occasions, he'd go out all night and not even tell me he'd gone out, I'd just come back to an empty flat.
He heavily berated me when he found out I had 1.5k of credit card debt, even though I was managing to pay it. He also told his parents something about my credit which I really didn't like.
I'm trying to justify why I left, but the main one was that I didn't feel I was his 'one" and that he was quite critical of me even though I did so much for him.
He really wanted me to be an avid reader. I do read, but I'm much more into non-fiction, I'm not massively into literature. I'm 'book-smart' I guess you could say, but I am just not someone who constantly reads novels sadly.

We stayed friends. We would still message all the time, he seemed upset at first but I wouldn't say he tried to win me back. I often felt I'd made a mistake, we had so many wonderful times together. We spent 5 hours together the other week.
I guess it was strange to still speak to your ex every day.. anyway, despite being the one to message me last, he's ghosted me. Just stopped reading and replying to my messages.
I am devastated.. I still regret the break up, we were together a long time. I'm 34 soon and I panicked.
But I didn't expect this. Everyone said I'd done the right thing leaving, but I still hoped we could work it out.

There are lots of people it has happened to, sharing their experiences saying they have had similar relationships, and offering you the opinion that it is for the best it is over and it will be ok, but you are resistant to hearing that.

It is over. Over. And it needs to be. You were your best self and he didn’t want that and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. If he stays in contact he still won’t want you and it’ll make you feel like shit and you’ll constantly be down on yourself thinking you aren’t enough. It’s over. You will be ok. Never give him this much power again.

You weren’t unreasonable. He wasn’t nice and you wanted commitment, that’s fair enough. But he’s also allowed to cut out contact once you’ve broken up. It’s always hard letting go even when you know it’s the wrong thing for you and coupled with your desire to settle down it’s totally understandable and normal to feel the way you do. There’s nothing to do but wait for time to heal the wounds I’m afraid. An ex one ghosted me as his new girlfriend didn’t like him speaking to me. It was hard tbh - I put a calendar invite that I can try to contact him again two years later. That helped take my mind off it and feel like it wasn’t a forever goodbye but by the time that time came I had no desire to speak to him anymore and he’s now been over a decade and I have 0 intention of ever contacting him again. Maybe something like that might help!

You aren't a bitch and you didn't need to apologise. However, when you left him you should have done so on the basis that that was that, not hung around dithering. He's torn off the plaster and done you a favour.

OP you left for very valid reasons, he sounds like an absolute prick and you deserve a man who wants what you want and is willing to commit to the future. I’m sorry he has ghosted you, but I think you’ll see in time you’re absolutely better off without him. No man worth loving would laugh at your haircut, berate you over credit card you’re in control of or make you cook his way and hide food from you. Thank god there are no kids involved! Get some counselling and hopefully find someone new and lovely.

Good lord! Lucky escape!!! Your gut told you he was wrong for you. Listen to it. He's a bully from what you said. And yes - bullies are good at giving you just enough of what you need to stay in control. He's controlling you still! In 10 years time you'll look back and be thankful he's a distant memory.

You are giving him too much credit - you had wonderful times when you were acting like he wanted.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - be very, very clear on this. The reason why you felt you weren’t his one is because you know, deep down, that he didn’t care for you. The real you. That he was so cruel in so many ways, and somehow made you feel like you deserved to be treated like that because you weren’t good enough - that’s awful, plain and simple.

You’re till a bit brainwashed at the moment, it happens. But you know what - go get yourself a couple of new non-fiction books, make dinner with some table sauces and meet someone who wants you just as you are (because I bet you’re awesome).

The person you’re missing and wish you could be with doesn’t exist.

I’ve actually considered the fact this may be a troll post now

But he didn't want to!!

That's what you seem to not be fully grasping, OP. The day came when he didn't want to keep in touch anymore. As he's fully entitled to do.

You haven't been together for 8 months. I see it as healthy and positive that he's eventually moving on. You should, too, perhaps with some outside help in the form of therapy.

It seems though he wanted you as his back up plan until someone else came along and that seems to be the case now.

Let some other poor woman deal with the immature prick and find your dignity.

Because he is, as previously discussed, a nasty, abusive wanker, @Canttakemuchmoreofthis1!

Would you want your daughter, in the future, or your best friend to be in a relationship with a man who berated them, hid food, criticised what they chose to read, refused to commit to the relationship and vanished off on nights out without telling them? Or would you want better for them? Someone who would support them, lift them up, praise and encourage them, be a real partner to them?

Don't you deserve a decent man to be your partner?

There are decent men out there - leagues ahead of this abusive man. Please turn your back on him, let yourself grieve the future you thought you had, and then go and find someone wonderful - you deserve it!

You keep saying you tried to sort things out. But how? If he doesn't want you then no amount of coaxing or cajoling will bring him back and even if it did, he's not there because he wants to be or wants you, he's there because he either got badgered into it, or he figured you will do until he does find the one.
Have some self-respect. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't like you that much and definitely doesn't love you? That's setting yourself up for a miserable life with someone who will never put you first, support you, love you, and will probably fuck off the first time he meets someone that turns his head. Because he didn't want to be there in the first place. Spare yourself that at least.

He's not interested in rekindling the relationship, and after 8 months maybe he's finally called it a day because you cant just be friends and are hoping to restart it again. He's making the sensible choice here and putting a stop to this continuing charade.

OP, please understand that I’m not trying to be mean with this post. You come across as needy and desperate. Your ex sounds like a user and abusive. It is past time to block him and get some therapy to help you move on and explore why you were willing to accept his abuse. Before you justify his abuse by saying he was lovely to you most of the time, google cycle of abuse. If abusers were always mean, their victims wouldn’t stay.

I half suspect ghosting you is just another way to abuse and control you. You’ve told him you want to get back together and he keeps seeing you without reciprocating. I think he is testing to see just how long he can ignore you and you will pursue him. Take this as an opportunity to move on without him. Block him everywhere so he can’t play with your emotions anymore.

Why not just an explanation at least? I get he 'owes me nothing ' but ghosting is cruel. He was the one who last messaged me, sending me memes and stuff then just suddenly decided, oh actually I CBA with this.

I had an ex exactly like you described yours. Critical, food snob, wanted me to be things I'm not, told every one my business, always compared me to other people and things.

He was also lovely most of the time but it was death by a thousand paper cuts. The little bits that weren't nice had more of an impact on my life than the hundreds of thousands of nice bits.

Exes are exes for a reason.

He wouldn't have changed.

Ghosting you was probably also done to exert some control over you although really it's for the best and you should uphold the boundary and not talk to him if he comes back.

He isn't an airline. He doesn't have to announce his departure. He doesn't owe you anything.

Perhaps he met someone and can't be arsed with the fall out from you.

Of course it's painful, up until this point there was the possibility that you'd get back together and now it feels gone alltogether. Probably also you are grieving the loss of a friendship. I am friends still with an ex from 15 years ago and I'd be upset if he ghosted me.

But still, you left for the right reasons and the possibility of getting back together is probably stopping you from moving on. Don't chase after someone who treats you like shit.

I'm sorry but that's just rude.

@Canttakemuchmoreofthis1 - I think you are going to have to come to terms with not knowing, not getting answers to these questions. It is hard, I know - but you can survive this, move on and thrive. You just need to keep going in the right direction and not looking back.

As I’ve said before - you would want the best for your friend/sister/daughter - why don’t you deserve the best too?

Some people seem to have the mentality that exes should never communicate again, but sometimes they can and do.

Keep repeating the same question over and over again using going up change anything.

No one but him can answer the question and for whatever reason he’s decided he’s got no interest in communicating with you any more. Most likely scenario is he’s met someone else .
Stop wasting head space trying to understand a man who treated you like shit anyway

And you’re still trying to work it out.

Cruel or not it’s done.

LET. IT. GO.

Be he doesn't want to and you're not in charge of him..

I guess my very first bf did this. It was a mutual break up, stayed in touch for a year and as soon as he had someone new, never heard from him again.

I’m speaking for all of us on here when I say

MOVE ON! GET A GRIP OP!

You are going round in circles here, why even post on mumsnet?

This is ridiculous. You broke up 8 months ago and tried to make things work again, he didn’t want too, blocked you and is now doing the right thing and moving on.

At 34, you ought to too.

Move on

Life is too short

The world out there waits