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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect partner to offer financial help?

122 replies

NorthangerAbbess · 04/07/2024 10:24

I've been with my partner 6 years - not married, no kids, no desire for either.

We are both self employed, but he earns around three times what I do per year (I think about £70k) He has about £80k in savings and investments (as far as I know, he doesn't share exact figures) and I have less than £2k.

We have no mortgage, but I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority) We split all household and food bills in half.

I'm really struggling at the moment with cashflow, as I've had a slow couple of months with work, despite doing all I can to improve things, and I'm going to have to use savings or credit cards to top up my income until things even out again - which they will, probably in autumn (so this won't be an ongoing issue.)

I have spoken to him about this, and although he was sympathetic, he didn't offer any financial help, which I know he could easily afford - for example, to pay all (or more) of the bills for a couple of months. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

On the one hand, I see that my situation isn't his problem, I'm a grown woman and I should support myself - on the other, I feel like we're supposed to be a partnership but there's a real sense of what's his is his. My previous partner had much less money but was incredibly generous and would have given me his last pound, and it makes me sad that my current partner wouldn't even think to offer.

YABU - you shouldn't expect your partner to pay more
YANBU - it would be reasonable for him to offer to help for a couple of months

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2024 10:30

It doesn't seem like much of a partnership. He is happy to see you gather credit card debt so you can pay bills. I couldn't live like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/07/2024 10:31

It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to offer but also you're a grown woman, if you want his help, ask

Skyrainlight · 04/07/2024 10:35

It's not unreasonable especially since you did the same for him. I would question whether he is the ideal partner for life if he isn't there to help you when you need him.

MMmomDD · 04/07/2024 10:39

Why are you with him - this is not a partnership. If after 6 years you cant count on him in this sort of situation - he is just a housemate.
And he is just using you to lower his expenses. And i presume you are also the household servant? Nice set up he has

Why should you pay 50% of expenses on much lower salary???? In a partnership is should be proportional. (surely he eats more - so shouldnt it be taken into account??)
How do you even do holidays with such budget???
And who does housework - are you compensated for that???

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/07/2024 10:39

How would he react if you asked? I do tend to think what's the point in this because that doesn't feel like a real partnership to me, but I know its some people's preference. Are the finance's that way through agreement or is it what only one of you really wanted?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 10:41

@NorthangerAbbess why do women continually get themselves into situations like this???? a partnership like this is not a real partnership. get him to buy your share off you then scarper!!

MissUltraViolet · 04/07/2024 10:42

Ask him for help. Yes it would have been nice if he had just offered but he hasn’t. Tell him what you’ve just told us - can he cover the bills for the next three months otherwise you’re going to have to go into debt and rely on credit cards.

If he says no then it’s time to question your relationship because at that point it clearly isn’t an equal partnership with a decent future.

Edingril · 04/07/2024 10:49

I am not saying the op but it is called a partnership when a women needs help but if it was a man then it would be 'tell him to man up'

If your self employment is not working then maybe appy for actual jobs?

Alarae · 04/07/2024 10:50

I don't understand why people in a long term relationship (who are not doing a single joint account, pooling all money) don't split expenses proportionate to income. Why would one partner want to see the other struggle? That's not love.

I don't have any helpful advice OP other than to put your cards on the table and say look, this is my income, I cannot afford 50%, can we revisit what we each pay as otherwise I am going to struggle?

He's either oblivious at best or heartless at worst, valuing his pennies over his life partner.

Hont1986 · 04/07/2024 10:59

I can see both sides. I do think that splitting shared bills proportional to income is a better idea. But then he wouldn't be unreasonable to say that he'd like you to try to increase your income. A third of his income is about £23k, can you find a better paid and more stable job?

wednesday32 · 04/07/2024 11:02

you shouldn't be both paying half of all teh bills, you should be contributing the same percentage not the same amount. That is why this is not working. Sit down and do the math then explain to him going forward you will be paying X and he will be paying Y.

Meraas · 04/07/2024 11:09

He sounds very mean. I think he should pay more towards the bills. That's what my DH did he when he earnt more.

Did he own the house or did you buy it together? Is the house bigger than you need?

If he had the house before, it seems unfair that you have to pay half as you had no choice in buying the house.

Tagyoureit · 04/07/2024 11:10

Eh? You earn a third of what he does, own a lesser share of the house, but you still pay half of everything and are getting in to debt to do so?

Very bizarre.

What would happen if you became ill and couldn't work and pay half? What happens come retirement time, will you still have work for another 20 years whilst he retires and rests up?

DragonGypsyDoris · 04/07/2024 11:11

You're living with a housemate, not a partner.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/07/2024 11:16

Would you honestly spend as much on bills, food etc as you do, if your partner was in a similar budget to you? Would you have the heating in a lower setting? Woodlake you ah e more budget meals? Etc, etc, etc...

I find it sad that so many women accept 50:50 for bills but then spend up to their partner's financial level, not their own.

Original poster
NorthangerAbbess · 04/07/2024 14:31

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to reply, I'm so grateful and it's so helpful to have other peoples perspectives.

To respond to a few points:

  1. Yes, I am a grown woman, and I could just ask him for help. I can't help feeling a bit embarrassed about having to do that, in that it implies I can't look after myself or something, and also, I'm probably a bit stuck on this notion that he "should" have just offered. Food for thought, thank you.
  2. I'm not the "household servant" - we share household chores fairly evenly, I probably do a bit more because I like everything perfect all the time (!!) but that's on me. I agree that having me around lowers his costs - but that works both ways, and at the moment, I couldn't afford to live on my own.
  3. In terms of "applying for actual jobs" as someone suggested - I am going through the onboarding process for a new contract at the moment, but it's going to take a couple of months before I see the financial benefit from that.
  4. We bought the house together, he had a previous property that he had owned outright, so had a lot more to put towards this one. When we drew up the document with the solicitor regarding the shares of the house, we agreed that any maintenance/decorating costs etc would be paid for in the same percentage as the shares (so he pays the majority of those costs as he would benefit more from added value when the house sold) but that day to day expenses would be split evenly. At the time I thought this sounded fair, as I do eat similar amounts to him, and use the water, electric, internet as much as him etc. It's interesting to see how many people think we should be paying in proportion to our earnings though - this would make my life so much easier but I'm not sure he'd go for it, and again, I do feel a bit weird about asking (which is maybe a red flag in itself)
  5. This was the question that hit home the most - "What would happen if you became ill and couldn't work and pay half? What happens come retirement time, will you still have work for another 20 years whilst he retires and rests up?" - because I honestly don't know what the answer to this is. I really need to have a proper conversation with him I think, no matter how awkward and no matter if I don't like the answers I get.

Thank you all again so much, this has honestly helped a lot xx

OP posts:
BeanCountingContinues · 04/07/2024 15:01

What is the long term plan here?
You don't want to get married, fair enough, and don't want children.

But what about the tax advantages of marriage? What about if he was in a coma and you were not next-of-kin and had no say over his health and no powers to manage his bills?
If he died without a will, who gets his estate? Without marriage it won't automatically be you.

It does seem like you are house-mates, not a "proper" couple. What makes your relationship any different to two friends sharing a house who bought together to get on the property ladder?
Well, the sex, obvs, but anything else?

Mickey79 · 04/07/2024 15:04

So I’ll go against the majority and say no I wouldn’t expect to pay more if I was your partner. If there were shared children, absolutely. But there aren’t. I would be reluctant to subsidise another adult in these circumstances. Of course, this would mean purchasing a property based on the lower earners affordability.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2024 15:06

Mickey79 · 04/07/2024 15:04

So I’ll go against the majority and say no I wouldn’t expect to pay more if I was your partner. If there were shared children, absolutely. But there aren’t. I would be reluctant to subsidise another adult in these circumstances. Of course, this would mean purchasing a property based on the lower earners affordability.

I agree with this, it’s not how I choose to organise my finances but I’m married and so everything is “ours”. Being self employed is great if it works but when it doesn’t or there are down periods there comes a time when you need to take another job to supplement it which lots of people do.

alwaysmovingforwards · 04/07/2024 15:09

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/07/2024 10:41

@NorthangerAbbess why do women continually get themselves into situations like this???? a partnership like this is not a real partnership. get him to buy your share off you then scarper!!

Yeah I agree, scarper off and live your new life!!
you can get your own place and do all the things you want to… oh no hang on a minute… As grown up woman you don’t even seem to be able to make a minority contribution to the life you share today. Ah, that’s not great…
So errr good luck with that, I’m sure being single and not having to rely on anyone will work out perfectly. Or maybe look for another relationship, this time with someone who will treat you as a proper dependant who will fund your existence rather than treat you like a capable adult.

Thepinkyponkc · 04/07/2024 15:10

I’m actually also going against the grain- the situation seems very fair to me. You’re not married, no kids and everything is split appropriately. If you got married it would be different. At the moment it’s like a house mate arrangement. I don’t think his income is in any way relevant and definitely shouldn’t be paying a percentage according to income as you eat and use the same of the bills.

However! I would look at your personal situation, can you claim UC? Does you living with him and him being your partner mean you can’t claim certain benefits on your income? If so then he should absolutely help you out as he’s hindering you financially getting the support you need.

I would also expect him to treat you to dates meals out ect holidays as he earns more and they are luxury things.

In terms of your income - appreciate you’ve said you’re waiting for a couple of months and it should increase but if this isn’t the case I would look at a new job and earning more money .

PaminaMozart · 04/07/2024 15:11

I would be reluctant to subsidise another adult in these circumstances.

'Another adult'... WTF!!

This man is supposed to be OP's life partner. You know, the person who'll always have her back, the one who loves and treasures her, goes the extra mile for her. As would she for him, I presume.

Oh wait...

@NorthangerAbbess - this is not a true partnership in the way I understand it. In your shoes I'd focus on my career and reconsider whether this man truly meets my needs.

ActualChips · 04/07/2024 15:13

BeanCountingContinues · 04/07/2024 15:01

What is the long term plan here?
You don't want to get married, fair enough, and don't want children.

But what about the tax advantages of marriage? What about if he was in a coma and you were not next-of-kin and had no say over his health and no powers to manage his bills?
If he died without a will, who gets his estate? Without marriage it won't automatically be you.

It does seem like you are house-mates, not a "proper" couple. What makes your relationship any different to two friends sharing a house who bought together to get on the property ladder?
Well, the sex, obvs, but anything else?

This.

alwaysmovingforwards · 04/07/2024 15:17

Is it just me or is a ‘real relationship’ when the woman gets financial support when it’s needed for not being capable enough to contribute, but if the man is not able to effectively contribute he’s a cocklodger?
I’m just checking my understanding here…

Mickey79 · 04/07/2024 15:20

PaminaMozart · 04/07/2024 15:11

I would be reluctant to subsidise another adult in these circumstances.

'Another adult'... WTF!!

This man is supposed to be OP's life partner. You know, the person who'll always have her back, the one who loves and treasures her, goes the extra mile for her. As would she for him, I presume.

Oh wait...

@NorthangerAbbess - this is not a true partnership in the way I understand it. In your shoes I'd focus on my career and reconsider whether this man truly meets my needs.

Op has no children, is self employed and not earning enough money to pay half of the household bills! So yes, in this situation I’d fully expect a partner to subsidise their self employment with guaranteed work ( and a salary). Me just picking up the tab because I can ‘afford it’ would not be the default.