To expect partner to offer financial help?

[NorthangerAbbess]

I've been with my partner 6 years - not married, no kids, no desire for either.

We are both self employed, but he earns around three times what I do per year (I think about £70k) He has about £80k in savings and investments (as far as I know, he doesn't share exact figures) and I have less than £2k.

We have no mortgage, but I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority) We split all household and food bills in half.

I'm really struggling at the moment with cashflow, as I've had a slow couple of months with work, despite doing all I can to improve things, and I'm going to have to use savings or credit cards to top up my income until things even out again - which they will, probably in autumn (so this won't be an ongoing issue.)

I have spoken to him about this, and although he was sympathetic, he didn't offer any financial help, which I know he could easily afford - for example, to pay all (or more) of the bills for a couple of months. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

On the one hand, I see that my situation isn't his problem, I'm a grown woman and I should support myself - on the other, I feel like we're supposed to be a partnership but there's a real sense of what's his is his. My previous partner had much less money but was incredibly generous and would have given me his last pound, and it makes me sad that my current partner wouldn't even think to offer.

YABU - you shouldn't expect your partner to pay more
YANBU - it would be reasonable for him to offer to help for a couple of months

Gross ick

If you are not married or not in a civil partnership any inheritance would not benefit from those protections and should it be over the limits you would be required to pay more in tax

He should help, that's what partners do!

How do you pay for holidays and other large shared expenses?

If you only have £2k in savings you must have been on a lower pay for a long time. Not just the last couple of months.

When your new contract starts, will you be on pay that is nearer his? Or half his? Ir what?

He sounds more like your business partner than your life partner.
if he was always helping you out, or if for example you were a shopaholic, I would understand his reasoning for not helping you but I would have thought it would be second nature to loan/give your partner a small amount of money to tide them over for a few weeks.

That's ridiculous to say that people who aren't married aren't a proper couple.

They are both earning too much for any tax advantage from marriage, you basically have to have one person be low part time hours on min wage for that.

Anyone can get a will and power of attorney, no need for marriage.

I was thinking of inheritance tax.
The "proper" couple comment was in response to the idea that someone wouldn't help out their partner through a financial bad patch. IMHO that is what couples do - they help each other, not refuse to give money.
But there may be more to the story if the DP believes OP is not working to full capacity and is sponging.

He has the means but won't offer help and he's doing well himself, so he knows how to run things and he's not going to be throwing money your way when he can see you're not doing so well.
So, speak to him in terms he'll understand, business terms and see what he perceives the problem to be - if he's good, maybe he can turn your business around, instead of watching you struggle and exploiting you.

Only commenting to offer sympathy. Not sure I have any useful advice. But yes, I do think in these circumstances that your partner (or any partner of either gender) should offer you help without being asked. Particularly as your situation is temporary and you have a solution lined up in the very near future. It should absolutely be a given.

I do have empathy with your situation as this has also been an element in pretty much all of my relationships. I long ago stopped anticipating any financial support from partners and accepted I should own my home and have my savings in my own name and expect to earn enough to support myself/children at all times.

That's not to say there hasn't been really good elements to my relationships. But finances...you're better off expecting and preparing for no support.

@UserNameNotAvailable9 Thank you, this is essentially the conclusion I've come to as a result of starting this thread and reading all of the responses. I feel validated in that others would have expected financial support to be offered for a temporary situation - but also absolutely agree that moving forwards, I need to increase my earnings, savings, and gain more financial independence. It's really given me a lot of clarity - you've summed it up perfectly here xx

No. That's what spouses do. They are not married or family. Her next of kin would be her parents or her child, not her boyfriend or girlfriend.

@cherish123

No. That's what spouses do. They are not married or family. Her next of kin would be her parents or her child, not her boyfriend or girlfriend.
Come on. Many millions of people are in committed long term relationships that they view as no different to being married. They just aren't married. You aren't seriously suggesting people who aren't married are all just boyfriend and girlfriend. You can be life king partners without being married.

Yes but on paper, you have no connection. There are benefits to being married and benefits to not being married. You can't pick and choose the best bits. My brother has a child with his girlfriend but if something happened, my mother is his next of kin.

I would hate to be in a relationship like that. As you say, what if you were ill - would he just ditch you?

he can afford to cover the bills if she gets unwell, what if he gets sick?

@cherish123

Yes but on paper, you have no connection. There are benefits to being married and benefits to not being married. You can't pick and choose the best bits. My brother has a child with his girlfriend but if something happened, my mother is his next of kin.
But we aren't talking about the law or death are we. We are talking about how people behave in relationships. And millions of unmarried couples see themselves as just as committed and together as married couples.
Of course you can pick and choose what you want in terms of how you behave^^ in a relationship. If you are behaving in a way only because that's what the law says then it's not exactly a great relationship

He has more money so has savings

... millions of unmarried couples see themselves as just as committed and together as married couples

And emotionally at least they're probably right - but not legally, because marriage provides protections which can come in pretty handy when "I saw us as being in it for life" goes south

In fairness the protections don't always work either if a spouse is determined to avoid responsibility, but at least they're something

I’d be asking him to buy me out of my share of the house and leaving! This isn’t love!
If he earns 3 times what you earn he should pay more towards the bills. With you paying a third and him paying 2/3…
Hes clearly bery selfish and mean spirited and I’d want to walk away….
what the famous saying on here …. When someone shows you who they are, believe them?!?

Glad you are finding the responses helpful 😁

Personally, I think we should always aim to be in an autonomous financial position in case the relationship ends. If the relationship doesn’t end…brilliant, you’re both in a better position. Happy days. But if it does…you’re not so vulnerable. Unfortunately, womens homeless services see a lot of women exiting relationships where they lost financial autonomy and were financially vulnerable.

You sound like a very capable woman able to source and secure work contracts. This is a little blip. It is well within your reach to increase your own security. It would be nice if partners helped…but the reality is they often don’t. Anyway, hope the new job goes well too 😁

No one is saying 'legally' though. People are saying whether in a committed relationship should one dp help out the other. What does it mean to be in a long term committed relationship.

I am saying that to me, if it is a long term committed relationship with all intention to be together forever, then it's weird not to.

You don’t want to marry him and have kids, well thank god for that. I’d get rid of him altogether now as well.