To expect partner to offer financial help?

[NorthangerAbbess]

I've been with my partner 6 years - not married, no kids, no desire for either.

We are both self employed, but he earns around three times what I do per year (I think about £70k) He has about £80k in savings and investments (as far as I know, he doesn't share exact figures) and I have less than £2k.

We have no mortgage, but I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority) We split all household and food bills in half.

I'm really struggling at the moment with cashflow, as I've had a slow couple of months with work, despite doing all I can to improve things, and I'm going to have to use savings or credit cards to top up my income until things even out again - which they will, probably in autumn (so this won't be an ongoing issue.)

I have spoken to him about this, and although he was sympathetic, he didn't offer any financial help, which I know he could easily afford - for example, to pay all (or more) of the bills for a couple of months. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

On the one hand, I see that my situation isn't his problem, I'm a grown woman and I should support myself - on the other, I feel like we're supposed to be a partnership but there's a real sense of what's his is his. My previous partner had much less money but was incredibly generous and would have given me his last pound, and it makes me sad that my current partner wouldn't even think to offer.

YABU - you shouldn't expect your partner to pay more
YANBU - it would be reasonable for him to offer to help for a couple of months

The biggest concern here is that you feel you can’t have a frank, open and honest conversation with him to work together to find a solution or decide if you have differing values and beliefs that mean this relationship will never really wholeheartedly fulfil you both.

Sit him down and talk to him. A partnership is built on communication and shared values and beliefs.

What would you do if you were single? Who would bail you out then? You have no mortgage, yet you’re struggling financially. Get proper financial independence and if you need to use your savings for a couple of months that is what they’re there for.

I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority)

I agree with so many about supporting each other, but just wonder if he feels he'd be effectively paying you back for the share of his house which you bought?

As so often I expect the replies would be very different if this was a man asking ...

Typo

i do think this is maybe the nub - some people have no choice but to work minimum wage jobs but self-employment that doesn't bring in an adequate wage, where you have no long term prospects of growing your business and income, is ultimately a bad move and can lead to poverty as you never have a chance to get enough in the bank. if the OP is child free and healthy and has options other than minimum wage she should look at what she could do to maximise her income. (still think they should pay bills by percentage according to their income at the moment as no one on less than £25k would be able to live in a big house)

aah bless, yeah I fully read the OP thanks.
If it’s just me not understanding why on earth have so many people given thanks to my post? Baffling eh… lol nice try though 😂😂😂

I think when you are self-employed you really need to be financially over-cautious. You need a chunk of savings in cash/easily accessible to get you over the lean periods. You need life and critical illness insurance. And you need to forecast well in advance.

If he is much better off is he unwittingly forcing you into a lifestyle more expensive than you can afford?

I wonder if he's trying to get OP to increase her earning potential without explicitly saying anything and doesn't want to bail her out so she comes to the conclusion herself?

Not a mature way of going about it, but if OP has been bringing in around 25k for an extended period of time then I can understand him not being particularly keen to sub her lifestyle (and having a low earning but enjoyable job is part of that unless OP has been constrained by illness or care responsibilities).

Sharing costs 50/50 does not mean 50/50, it means proportionate to income. I can't get over anyone who claims to live in a partnership not paying more if they earn more! What are his investments and savings and income for? He is earning quite a substantial amount (over £4k per month) and has incredibly low bills/costs. I know you don't want kids, but this would be a top reason not to have them. I think you need to sit him down and ask if he wants a partnership/relationship or just a roommate with benefits, as not overcoming these financial concerns does not bode well for difficult conversations in other areas of the relationship.

We split all household and food bills in half.

Are you flat mates or in a relationship? Aren't relationships about helping each other. How would he be if you were too ill to work? Not saying that would happen but really you should have each others back, sounds like you have his.

If he earns 3x what you do, he should be paying 3x the joint expenses that you do. You are not housemates, you are a couple. If he doesn't want to be a proper trusting couple/partnership you should consider dumping him for someone who wants to spend jointly, save jointly, support your ambitions, and support your goal of buying a bigger share of your home as quickly as possible.

My ex used to be like this. I had nothing and he had the majority.

my husband now earns nearly 3 times what I earn. All money goes in the same pot. Bills get paid and we save some and live on what’s left. No one goes without and we have never argued over money.

honestly OP if someone is going to see you struggle they’re not in it for the long haul. Get rid and get someone who cares

Op is this the first time you’ve hit financial difficulty?

I agree with this. Been with my partner for 10 years 2 kids. He’s the higher earner so I pay sky food shop 80% of things for the kids he pays everything else if we had to do it 50/50 I’d have nothing. He also pays for all holidays.

This isn't a partnership op. How can he sit by and let you struggle, and then go into debt over it. Also why is he making you pay half of bills. Your contribution should be proportional to your income.
Urgh what a horrible man, he clearly doesn't care for you that much to let this happen.

Being self employed is an actual job. She probably works more hours than she would in an “actual job” and cash flow can be an issued for external factors. For example in my self employed role. I have to wait for works to be complete and go through compliance checks. I am currently waiting on around £15k to filter through but last week I needed some help because there was a delay in funds due to no fault of my own and my husband 100% stepped up and covered some bills for me until this money comes through

TBF if OP's figures are accurate then she's earning £23k per annum (assume net) which is not much more than the living wage.

Are you sure self employment is worth it OP?

In my experience one of the reasons people who have money, have money is because they keep hold of it. I have found people with less are often more generous than those with lots - it's not true of everyone but I think very generally it is.
I would say to him - how would you feel about contributing a bit more for x amount of months until work has stabilised and take it from there when he responds. However if he doesn't want to subsidise you - what then?

Is it possible, given that you earn c£23k a year, that he thinks you should be doing something more lucrative. Pretty much any full time job would pay better and you’d have security.

I wouldn’t want to prop someone up if they were doing something that they couldn’t make a living from as you’re just kicking the can down the road.

Haven’t voted but just want to say the problem is in the word EXPECT.
Don’t expect - if you want help, make your request and see what he says and then you’ll know and can go from there.

People can be surprisingly unaware of what others want and need … and expect.

You have settled for so little.
He on the other hand has a house mate for sex.
You need to rethink this relationship with someone for whom you are a convience for.

You most certainly are not a team. He wouldn't risk a £5 on you.

I agree with that.

So sorry to be thick, but why did you take a "small loan" to buy a share in the property? In as much as, did your partner not wish to buy all the property and you pay him back for your part of it?

Also, with there being no mortgage, the property can legally be divided - what share do you own?

YABU
Why should your girlfriend or boyfriend help you out financially?

It's not your other half's job to pay your bills etc.

I agree. And his attitude would really give me the ick.

He's living beyond your means.
If he won't help you out during this income drought, after you've helped him previously, is he prepared to economise to help keep the overall cost of the bills down or does he spend more on bills and outgoings because he can afford it whilst you struggle to pay your 50%?

The arrangement doesn't sound fair or equitable. Partners should help each other, as you have done for him previously.