To expect partner to offer financial help?

[NorthangerAbbess]

I've been with my partner 6 years - not married, no kids, no desire for either.

We are both self employed, but he earns around three times what I do per year (I think about £70k) He has about £80k in savings and investments (as far as I know, he doesn't share exact figures) and I have less than £2k.

We have no mortgage, but I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority) We split all household and food bills in half.

I'm really struggling at the moment with cashflow, as I've had a slow couple of months with work, despite doing all I can to improve things, and I'm going to have to use savings or credit cards to top up my income until things even out again - which they will, probably in autumn (so this won't be an ongoing issue.)

I have spoken to him about this, and although he was sympathetic, he didn't offer any financial help, which I know he could easily afford - for example, to pay all (or more) of the bills for a couple of months. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

On the one hand, I see that my situation isn't his problem, I'm a grown woman and I should support myself - on the other, I feel like we're supposed to be a partnership but there's a real sense of what's his is his. My previous partner had much less money but was incredibly generous and would have given me his last pound, and it makes me sad that my current partner wouldn't even think to offer.

YABU - you shouldn't expect your partner to pay more
YANBU - it would be reasonable for him to offer to help for a couple of months

I think all household bills should be split percentage wise with your income so you both pay 50% of your gross income on bills.

Is your business which only brings in £23k ish a year viable?

Is it in its infancy or is this its apex? Because I bet you work full time and for such a low wage you’d surely be better off in employment?

1. "If he died without a will, who gets his estate? Without marriage it won't automatically be you." - We both wrote wills naming each other as sole heir when we bought the house together, because yes, otherwise we have no automatic right to each other's estate.

1. "This man is supposed to be OP's life partner. You know, the person who'll always have her back, the one who loves and treasures her, goes the extra mile for her. As would she for him, I presume." - this is what the romantic side of me feels. I absolutely would do all this for him, and I have subsidised eating out, holidays etc in the past when I earned more and he earned less. My current financial situation is temporary, and were the roles reversed, my first instinct would be to ask how much he needed, or what I could do to take the pressure off him.

1. "Op has no children, is self employed and not earning enough money to pay half of the household bills! So yes, in this situation I’d fully expect a partner to subsidise their self employment with guaranteed work ( and a salary). Me just picking up the tab because I can ‘afford it’ would not be the default." - this is what the practical side of me thinks. He is not my keeper, or responsible for me, and honestly, I don't want to ask him to be.

Again, some really useful responses here, thank you xx

What a tightwad.

Saying that though, you've allowed yourself to be in difficult position with him by only having a small joint share in the home. You are in a precarious position and at his mercy.

I could t be with someone so tight fisted.

.It doesn't look like you are really life partners to me. At the moment you are only housemates with benefits, so I'm not surprised that you share like you do.

My DH and I are life partners, so we share according to ability. A true partnership means you support each other through bad times as well as good.

I think it's a bit tricky due to OP being a long-term low earner, if her partner isn't happy about her not upping her earning potential it could be a factor in his reticence to help her out. I'm assuming OP has no disabilities, care responsibilities or health conditions precluding her from other job avenues as she doesn't mention it in her original post but could be wrong here.

I've been happy to support my DH in the past (and he's done the same with me), but that's always been under the understanding that we're both working to maximise our future earnings potential (e.g. taking time out to study/train/apply for higher earning jobs). I would be less happy to support him if he was planning to remain on under 30k a year whilst I'm working to maximise my own earnings. Especially if there's no childcare etc. to consider and if I'm doing 50% of household chores.

OP, do you think your business is likely to generate a substantially better income longterm?

People of living together are either couples in a full sense of for better/for worse and sharing income - whether married or not or they are just housemates with 1 shared asset and a shared sex life.

If I found myself single again I wouldn't be interested in anyone who did the 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine attitude' - and didn't take into account at all what you were earning etc- (so long as you were pulling your weight if fit and able to do so)

What if you were ill OP long term or unable to work? I think you need to have a proper discussion- if he's taking all your money then it's not even possible to save in case of anything going wrong - put yourself first.

I think you are getting a bit if a hard time here, @NorthangerAbbess !

Some people are embarrassed to discuss money, even if they have been together donkey's years. Perhaps the DP hasn't noticed OH is struggling, especially if she hasn't mentioned it. Men can be quite blind to such stuff.

Why tell OP to get an 'actual job'? That's just bitchy. Self-employment is an actual bloody job, with most working far more hours than those in 'normal' employment. And by it's nature, it can be up and down. Then again, nobody's job is secure in this day and age.

Ok, i can see that sharing col bits 50/50 may seem unfair, but that's also part of independence within a relationship, and works for OP when she has work. All couples work their finances to suit their situation, so why accuse him of being a flatmate?

Good luck OP

Perhaps the DP hasn't noticed OH is struggling, especially if she hasn't mentioned it. Men can be quite blind to such stuff.

It's in the OP - she has talked to him but he pretended not to hear. Moreover, she has in the past supported him when he was earning less than her.

He knows, but chooses to ignore her predicament.

He comes across as being quite mean and it seems more like a business arrangement rather than a relationship

I don’t know what the answer is really because people’s attitudes to money are usually so ingrained and so i doubt he’s suddenly going to start supporting you a little financially. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter what you’d do if the roles were reversed, because you’re not him. Also the reality is is that there’s always going to be a power imbalance because of the small share of the house you’re living in compared to him having the majority, and you currently earning much less than him.

I think the best thing is to carry on as you’re doing with the plan to increase your income, also look into increasing your share in the house if this is possible. You’re very vulnerable having such tiny savings and increasing debt, please look into getting your savings nice and healthy when your income increases.

He is not a partner, he’s a flatmate you sleep with. If that’s ok for you, fine, but if you have concerns re longer term you are on a shoogly peg.

Yes, as I mentioned previously, this is a short term situation, I'm in the process of taking on a new contract and I don't expect him to support me long term.
Generally I manage ok, it's just been a tricky few months and I hoped he might offer to help out when I spoke to him about it.

Thank you for such a helpful and balanced reply, I think you're absolutely right. As soon as the money starts coming in from the new contract, I'll be putting as much as I can away so I have more of a buffer.

Why tell OP to get an 'actual job'? That's just bitchy. Self-employment is an actual bloody job, with most working far more hours than those in 'normal' employment. And by it's nature, it can be up and down.

If OP is earning less than £25k a year self employed and it’s not likely to increase substantially then yes, it’s not worth it. And her OP suggests that the ‘norm’ is around £25k and she’s currently not bringing in that.

Minimum wage for 8 hours a day would pay £24k plus you’d get pension and holiday and none of the bollocks that goes with being SE.

A person with experience, no children and no other barriers to work has the ability to make more money than she is with considerably less effort than she’s currently expending.

You don’t earn enough to live at this current budget. It doesn’t particularly matter if this is a short-term situation. Affording a level means that you can afford to weather those short-term issues.

your boyfriend should be living at your financial level if he wants to split everything 50:50. Asking you to stretch is unfair.

if he wants to live a more luxurious lifestyle, then he needs to agree to change the split. It shouldn’t just be a one time supplement when you are in crisis. The split should let you be comfortable financially and even let you build up savings.

if he doesn’t want to do that, he isn’t a partner. You would be better off finding a house share and living within your means.

Does he know you are struggling, have you laid it out for him?
If he does, and he was happy to take your support when he had less, but now sees no need to reciprocate - then I would be making plans to leave. Thats not someone who has your back.

I would also be challenging him on it - describing when the times you helped him, and asking why he doesnt offer to do the same. But whatever his reply it would seriously lower my respect for him, and in that sense the relationships future would be uncertain for me.

This doesn't sound like a partnership at all OP - but a real partnership also involves open communication about everything.
If for example you continue to be self-employed bringing in very little money and he's not allowed to comment then he shouldn't be subsidising you.

Could you just tell him that your contribution to household expenses will be a lot less over the next few months?
His response will speak volumes.

Well the benchmark has already been set. When you earned more and he less, you supported him. Therefore he now supports you. This isn't new territory, the shoe is just now on the other foot.

This doesn't sound like a true partnership. Since it sounds like you will earn less than him for the foreseeable future, you will continue to struggle while he lives in ease, happy to watch you struggle for the foreseeable future in order to ensure he's not paying too much as well.

Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? After six years?

Have you talked about marriage or if you don't want it, why not? The answers might be enlightening.

What bug crawled up your butt and died?
She's not making a minority contribution to the life they share, she's paying her full half but is having a cash flow issue. It's great you've never reached the bottom of your bank balance but life happens! Asking for a short term loan isn't asking him to treat her like a child and wipe her butt for her

What jumps out for me here is that you don't feel like you can express your needs or wants to your partner. I'm presuming the he gets more share of the house and you pay half of the bills was his idea? He's got no issues communicating his needs/wants. Why do you?

That's the crux of all of this.

Sounds like a house mate that you have sex with.

My is similar to yours, in that I have been with my partner for 10 years- we are unmarried, no children and own a house together (although we own it 50:50). We have a large dog.

We both work full time and pay a proportional amount in to the bills account. This has varied over time- when he earned more than I did (by around 50%) he paid more of bills and would pick up more of the treats and luxuries.

When he was made redundant in the pandemic, I stepped up and covered a much larger portion of the bills (he had some savings as well). Once he was working again, we readjusted things accordingly. (Off-topic, but he tried to sort new employment as quickly as possible and picked up more of the household chores during this time).

My point here is that a romantic partner should support you when times are tough. Plus, it sounds like you have financially supported him in the past. He can't have it both ways. I would sit down with him one more time and explicitly outline your situation and ask for help- his response would dictate whether I continued this relationship frankly.

I wish you the best of luck and hope business picks up soon.