To expect partner to offer financial help?

[NorthangerAbbess]

I've been with my partner 6 years - not married, no kids, no desire for either.

We are both self employed, but he earns around three times what I do per year (I think about £70k) He has about £80k in savings and investments (as far as I know, he doesn't share exact figures) and I have less than £2k.

We have no mortgage, but I am repaying a loan each month that I took so I could buy a small share in the house we own (my partner owns the vast majority) We split all household and food bills in half.

I'm really struggling at the moment with cashflow, as I've had a slow couple of months with work, despite doing all I can to improve things, and I'm going to have to use savings or credit cards to top up my income until things even out again - which they will, probably in autumn (so this won't be an ongoing issue.)

I have spoken to him about this, and although he was sympathetic, he didn't offer any financial help, which I know he could easily afford - for example, to pay all (or more) of the bills for a couple of months. If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

On the one hand, I see that my situation isn't his problem, I'm a grown woman and I should support myself - on the other, I feel like we're supposed to be a partnership but there's a real sense of what's his is his. My previous partner had much less money but was incredibly generous and would have given me his last pound, and it makes me sad that my current partner wouldn't even think to offer.

YABU - you shouldn't expect your partner to pay more
YANBU - it would be reasonable for him to offer to help for a couple of months

I know you say the situation is short-term, but if you have very little savings and no buffer of any sort then it sounds like this has been the position for a while. Your self-employment is not enough to sustain you, if it was, a dip of a few months would be manageable. If it really is just a temporary blip, I would seriously consider whether I wanted to be with someone who would not help out under those circumstances. However, if it is a long term position, I have some sympathy with him. I was in a similar position before, with an ex who was self employed, not earning much because of it, (he was a body builder and personal trainer). I earner significantly more, we had no children, and although I loved him, I resented the expectation that I would subsidise him indefinitely. I didn't mind helping out occasionally, but it soon became draining. I suspect if I had posted on here, the advice would have been 'he's a cocklodger, bin him'.

Just adding to the general chorus that it doesn’t sound like a partnership but more of a housemates situation.

Personally, I would never get into something serious with someone who thought we should split everything 50:50 despite earning 4x more than me.

Really hard to change that norm now that it’s entrenched and especially since he hasn’t suggested it after all this time (eg me and my partner just naturally fell into this pattern so it wasn’t really an issue).

But I would definitely try to discuss it with him and tell him that it’s the norm to approach things like this (say you conducted an informal poll) maybe find some articles to support.

I think changing to you paying 1/3 expenses him paying 2/3 until such time as you’re earning the same would be better than getting him to “help you out” just this once - although he should do that too!

That's inconsiderate and mean,can't think much of you,I would show him the highway can't be done with meaness.
Xxx

Fair enough you don't want marriage, but do you BOTH see this as a partnership for life at the current time? If so, it'd be nice if you both pulled together - in this instance with him helping you. There's no guarantee what's going to happen to him in the future, ie maybe he won't be able to work any longer for health reasons and his money would soon go - what will he be expecting of you in those circumstances?

It's a partnership and a commitment, I would expect help for a couple of months. If he won't
help then give this partnership a bit of thought.

I wouldn’t be happy going 50/50. You should be paying proportionate to your incomes. You bring in 25% of the household income and pay 25% of the household bills.

Why are you paying half when he earns 3 times what you do?

Would you consider getting a second job until your situation improves in the autumn?

No easy answer - all I know is that it can easily become unhealthy and awkward if there is too much inequality (in many things, not just finances).
You both need some financial independence, and dependency can easily lead to resentment. It sounds like you've both been pretty sensible about how you've arranged things so far, it's just that your income right now isn't enough to support your lifestyle. So either your income needs to go up, or he needs to contribute more, which is not unreasonable given the income disparity (NB I'd suggest if he contributes more, that this should be ongoing, sustainable, rather than one off bail-out).
There's no other options!

You're in a houseshare not a relationship

OP sadly as you have subsidised him in the past when you earned more than him yet h has either conveniently forgotten or doesn't care you don't mean the same to him as he does to you. Can you see that? Do you want to be in an unequal relationship, not just unequal in finance but it sounds like you love him a whole lot more than he loves you. You deserve more than that.

This is a proper relationship where you are supportive of each other. ❤️

You haven’t put your age. Are you of an age where you could get PG accidentally?

DH and split bills proportionality and it is fairer. Now married for 25 years we still keep money seperate but the proportional aspect means we have similar amounts left over. Not exact I hasten to add but the amounts are very decent so no issue.

The biggest problem is that you can’t discuss it. We had a very big change when I retired early so my income took a hit, all discussed in advance.

Why would you have such a double standard? You should really examine that. Luckily OP doesn’t have the same sexist outlook as you and has helped him previously.

@NorthangerAbbess you need to look at this a different way.

He earns a large salary and has therefore an expectation of the type of house he wants to live in and standard of living he wants. With big houses come higher costs...

As you earn less than him, then he either pays a larger share or the household bills, OR you move to the type of property that YOU can afford e.g. a much smaller one where bills would be more manageable.

Sounds like the two of you need to be a little more open with each other about finances.

I'm looking at it from a other angle - what responsibilities do you have at home? I am assuming you are a cis female in a heterosexual relationship. If you are, it's likely you are doing lots of unpaid labour for him.

Do you share all housework, cooking and other life admin tasks equally, or are you taking up the lion's share? If you are spending lots of time on unpaid labour (washing his clothes, cooking his meals, cleaning up after him, organising gifts for his.family as well as your own), you are actually enabling him to spend more time on his own business and taking time from yours.

If this is the case, this unpaid labour needs to be acknowledged. E.g:

• He starts doing 50% of his share at home, giving you more time to work on your own business and earning more money.

• He pays someone to do his 50% (e.g. a cleaner / housekeeper / P.A.), freeing you up to spend more time on your business

• You stop doing his tasks, freeing up your own time (e.g. you each do your own laundry and cooking etc.)

I know I've made a lot of assumptions here, but it's unfortunately very common for women to end up sacrificing their time at the expense of their own pursuits, which enables their partners to make more money.

You've been together 6 years, but this sounds more like a business deal than a loving, supportive partnership? What happens with holidays etc? Christmas? A tender, loving relationship is not based on division of financial power. It's supportive and giving of need. I worry for your future security, but that is an open and honest conversation you need to have.

Nope, read the OP. She’s finding a minority ie took a small loan to buy in a minority share of the roof she sleeps under…

If I needed a short term loan because I’ve not managed cash flow properly and got to bottom of my bank balance… err banks are available.

I’d probably be putting more focus on how I fucked up though rather than who was going to bail me out of this one…

OP@NorthangerAbbess I think this is a fab time to start to address all the elephants in the room around future planning…if you go into a conversation with him being honest about your lack of funds now and try to discuss what scenarios might pan out in future if one of you became incapacitated or chronically ill ,unable to work and contribute any more funds. It sounds like you will have zero significant savings for this situation and zero significant savings for your retirement….do you both have pensions other than the state one?how are you intending to fund your retirement when you have so little rainy day cash?

He is your partner
Not your husband
He does not see you as a wife
And you are not his wife
You are equivalent as a flat mate and he has kept you aware from financial aspects of his life
I don't blame him

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely offer to pay for more things - in fact I did, earlier in our relationship, when he was in a less well paid job.

So you have helped him out in the past, and he's not offered to return the favour?

Time for a bit of a chat, this all sounds very one sided. I'd be questioning the whole relationship

Agree

Yes it's just you and you have not understood the OP's situation. Try reading her OP.

Why did you leave your last partner? He sounded like a kind human being. This one sounds selfish and not part of a team. For starters if he earns that much more why isn’t he paying 2/3s if the bills. It’s not equal.

Finances should always be transparent in a couple. Savings should be joint and contributions proportional so you can both enjoy the same standard of living, I’ve heard of these situations where the woman has barely anything and the man lives a lavish lifestyle whilst the woman scrimps and has nothing. Worse when they have children as they’re like captives having no financial freedom. There should be generosity both ways and sharing no matter who earns more. Otherwise if there’s no generosity between you and only one way from you to him, what’s the point. I wouldn’t touch someone with a barge pole if they were not generous in spirit and with money (as would I be), it’s just very yuk and not a good basis of a relationship.