My restrictive eating triggers people

[Cadelo]

I wouldn’t say I have an issue with food but I am very mindful of what I eat.

I am 30 and spent a lot of my 20s depressed because of my weight. I love being able to put on a dress and not worry how I will look in it. I love not always having to go for the flattering option. I don’t miss the comments where people made me feel like shit unintentionally - “her body is thick like yours”.

3 years ago I lost 60 pounds. It was not pleasant. I never want to go back.

I just know my controlled eating annoys people. My own sister will invite me over for a takeaway and get annoyed when we order pizza and I only have a slice/or 2 and make a big salad to go along with it. “You only live once”. Blah blah blah.

I’m getting enough calories to maintain my weight. My bmi is also healthy. Some people call me scrawny but like I said I have a healthy bmi.

So I do take scales on holiday as I weigh myself daily. And my SIL made a comment that if she sees them she’s going to chuck them in the bin. She’s a normal weight. I’m glad her life was never small due to confidence issues. If I see I am over a certain weight I just know to eat lightly for a week or so.

I know we will sit down for breakfast (we are going to Greece in 2 weeks) and she will say something or try to tempt me when I order a fruit platter. Or constantly trying to get me to have an ice cream (I do occasionally - and when I do it becomes this massive thing).

I’m so sick of my eating being a problem for others.

OP- I completely support your new way of eating and I have always been the same. I am slim but it's because I dont have whatever I want, if I did I would be overweight. So, when I go out I usually have fish and salads etc not because I fear not having them but because I also enjoy them too. I rarely have dessert or loads of carbs purely because they also make me feel sluggish, lethargic and bloated. My friend sometimes tells me to go on and eat them but I dont want to and that annoys me, especially as she is overweight and often tells me I am "lucky" not to be, but its exactly because I dont over indulge, nothing to do with "luck" whatsoever. I love my life and it is in no way hindering my enjoyment of it.

That said, I did pick on your use of the word "phobia" around putting weight on and that is something to maybe look at. Phobia is by definition an irrational fear and I do think it's worth looking at that fear in more depth if only to help healthy self reflection. Wanting to stay a certain weight is quite different to being literally fearful of it and I just think it might be useful to look at that is all. That doesn't mean you should or have to eat more by any means, but dont let fear control you in the same way it did when you were overweight, otherwise nothing has really changed mentally has it?

If you know you're having an evening takeaway with friends, just eat light in the day (an omelette for brunch, and some fruit as snacks) and that'll mean you don't need to be as strict on what you're ordering.

Op I admire your resolve. I've lost weight in the past and it has always gone back on very rapidly because I am weak willed.
Do what you have to do to stay in control and ignore others - they may well be jealous of you. As long as you're not ramming your eating habits down their throats (pardon the pun) then yanbu.

Personally I’ve taken the scales before too and tbh it’s none of her business. I’d take them and ask DH to say nothing.

id also have a stock answer for any jibes like, if I were giving up smoking for my health you’d be right behind me I hope.

the one time it was totally impractical for me to take the scales I put a knot in my dressing gown cord marking my measurements but you could take a soft (sewing) tape measure and mark you measurements on it just as you leave.

I applaud you for your weight loss, your shouldn’t need to be worrying about her potential actions.

It sounds like your SIL is using your pasts as a way to goad you. How is your relationship with her? It’s really off of her.

a lot of your food choices is choices I would make and no one makes comments to me, which makes me feel she is being a bit of a dick.

Im not projecting anything, OP clearly still has a disorder and she nowhere said she enjoyds the food, it seemsnshe is petrified of gaining weight and obsessively weights herself all the time. Being in a presence of a miserable person like this who is not enjoyign anything in fear she is gonna go down slippery slope is extremely unpleasant.

I completely understand OP.

I have never been overweight or had an eating disorder and I still understand! My mum is a bit obsessed with food and covers it up with a sort of fake bravado "go on, get it down you!". Which is fine, I never judge what other people eat because I don't care. But then they start mocking me and pressuring me to have seconds or eat desert and I don't want to. I don't want to because I don't want to put on weight but also I just don't really care about food that much - I really don't particularly want that bit of cake, and the weight gaining issue means I won't just eat ot out of sheer politeness when I'm with my family.

It's like because they're obsessed with food and if they didn't have the cake they'd be longing for it and it would ruin their evening, they seem to think I'm the same. And also I think there's a twinge of defensiveness and resentfulness, the attitude is almost like I think I'm better than them because of my diet. I don't, I just don't want to eat stuff I don't care about for the fuck of it!

I don't see anything wrong with scales on holiday. I weigh myself everyday too so that I can be sure my weight is stable.

Hi OP! Look I can see where you're coming from as I lost 80lbs myself. At my thinnest my BMI was 20, so not really underweight. However, I definitely was too thin as my periods became erratic and looking back I looked like a skeleton.

I also weight myself daily, whatever you are the next day is no real reflection of actual weight gain. It's the trend that matters.

I would never takes scales with me at all.

How tall are you OP ?

You do you, OP. I don’t think they get it but they don’t need to. It’s hard to lose that amount of weight and keep it off, from what you’ve said you know what you can and can’t do and have a strategy for not letting it get out of control. I’ve been large and I’ve been thin and yeah, some people always have to say something. Praise you for losing weight but then say ‘don’t lose too much,’ Don’t like it when you are thin but committed to exercise and eating correctly, apparently that’s bad news (presumably they don’t realise if you don’t have some discipline you’ll just put it back on). Then if you get heavy again they want to give you advice on how to lose it! Like, I know how to lose it, you saw me fucking do it! Away and worry about yourselves😂😂😂

Well done on your significant weight loss - you have done amazingly well. Whatever you want to do, or need to do, to maintain your weight, is entirely your business, and if that involves checking your weight regularly to reassure yourself, then that’s up to you. It’s also your business alone, when you do or don’t have ice cream or a treat, and you choose when you want to indulge, which shouldn’t be u set the watchful eye of anyone. I think it’s reasonable to tell your family and friends to let you eat and drink what you want and to keep their comments to themselves. I’m sure you don’t comment routinely on what they eat or drink! Well done.

Being in a presence of a miserable person like this who is not enjoyign anything in fear she is gonna go down slippery slope is extremely unpleasant.

This is exactly the attitude my family have towards me! It's infuriating being on the receiving end of this. I'm not miserable, I'm just not big into food like they all are. It's like they think I am, but suppressing it - imagine if your whole family was massively into cars and kept going on and on about how miserable you are because you have to suppress your love of cars all the time.

but the Op is being responsible.

@godmum56 you seem to be very invested in this thread, OP has asked advice & people are giving her their opinion !

At the end of the day, somehow SIL knows she takes her scales on holiday - so either OP has talked about it or she’s done it in view others. I personally think weighing yourself every day is disordered as your body naturally fluctuates and it’s impossible to put weight on overnight anyway. But regardless, it’s clearly an issue for SIL (we only have 1 side of the story, maybe SIL has had an ED and struggles). So a compromise could be that OP is discreet about the weighing every day.

How awful of your SIL to try to sabotage you. I think that is really terrible behaviour. I would stop hanging around with her if you can. You don't need people in your life bringing you down. Could your husband call her and tell her to shut up about food and let you eat what you want in peace? If you ever gained weight she would probably still be the food police, this time harping on about you what you shouldn't be eating when you're trying to eat.

You have found what works for you to keep your weight stable. Take the scales on holiday if that's what is working for you. If it were me, I would cut her off if she can't be told to keep her opinions about food to herself.

Urgh, ignore them all OP. I dont drink any more and get the exact same bullshit about that- "go on just have one", "dont be so boring" its the same tired old shit every time and no I dont want just one- I stopped because even just one gives me horrific anxiety and severely affects my sleep (peri). Sorry I dont want to feel like shit just because you want to drink the bar dry and feel awkward doing it alone.

I dont get why people have to harp on about it, I never tell them what to drink, never comment on their drinks, and me not drinking doesnt affect them one iota so why do they care so much?

I hate it. I completely get you. What I do now is politely decline the first time, say it more assertively the second time and by the third time "I fucking said NO, what's your problem?"- that usually stops it 😂

Sure.

Typical breakfasts:
scrambled egg with chicken sausage, breakfast burrito (wrap with scrambled egg, fried onion, pico de gailo and avocado), chocolate raspberry baked oats, boiled egg with kimchi and jam sourdough toast, chocolate ice cream protein shake with fruit (made with ninja cream), platter of fruit with boiled eggs

Lunch:
Prawns with a tomato sauce and courgetti. sweet potato jacket with lentil chill, Greek seasoned chicken with guacamole and salad, chicken mince lettuce wraps, Waitrose Caesar salad, tuna nicoise salad from pret

Diner:
chickpea curry, stir fry veg and pork/prawns/beef, Nando’s fakeaway - roast chicken, salad, corn on cobb, fish with a dollop of really thick cheese sauce and bread crumbs and broccolini, ramen, omelette and veg, grilled chicken burger and salad, sausages in tomato sauce and peppers plus Mediterranean veg, butternut squash soup, fajita chicken and peppers in lettuce wraps, prawn jalfrezi, salmon bake in a seaweed roll, roast chicken with tonnes of leeks, broccoli, carrots

I snack on tuna mayo, boiled eggs, fruit, love pickled veg, I make my own chocolate ice cream with a protein shake that tastes like a Wendy’s frosty, parfait, kimchi

i think I eat well. I drink 3 nights a week, get takeaway probably weekly and have dessert maybe twice a week.

MIL said that to her mate - who only occasionally gave in on holiday - her friend then went for her weigh in and had put on nearly a stone. MIL was flabbergasted - as friend has bulk of time eaten healthy and avoided alcohol - and it took months to lose with calory deficient diet..

Op says she has PCOS - weight gain is easy to do and she has a higher risk later in life of developing type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol.

It sounds like she does some letting go but keeps an eye on her weight - not sure it great to pack scales and weigh every day but it works for OP.

I suspect you are too polite OP - if your conformable mentioning health - you could say you are following medical advice - or just outright state you find the comments rude - and put people making them on the spot.

Not enjoying anything?

Are you reading the same posts as me, she has ice creams, cocktails, red wine, tiramisu... Doesn't comment on it or what other people choose, or talk about wishing she could have something else, or make a fuss about it.. just chooses what she wants for herself... and is actively avoiding having to eat fewer calories for the purpose of losing weight cos that's a miserable task...

Nothing I'm reading about op is making me think she's miserable.. so yeah I think that's in your head.

But she also takes bloosy scales on holiday and punishes herself for eating an icecream or whatever by restricting her diet for a week or so. Looks like a very healthy relationship with food!
I was also asking her, not you, if she is actully enjoying this diet, because actively picking stuff she may not enjoy out of pure fear she will gain a 200 gramms does not look particularly enjoyable.

I have never eaten a lot. Always been thin not super thin. I have never had anyone comment on my eating nor insist I am weird for not eating much. I often order a starter portion oif we go out to dinner. If I am not hungry I don’t eat. I would find it very odd behaviour if people insisted I eat when I was not hungry. That is a them problem not a you problem. What business is it of anyone else what you eat?

and if taking scales give a you reassurance go for it. But you just need to be conscious you don’t let your weight drop too low.

I have been in similar circs. We used to run my inlaws pub for them while they took a holiday every year. it was blooming hard going. We knew a lot of the regulars and it was difficult to get some of them to understand that we were there to work and that drinking with them all day was not going to happen when our working day was 6am to midnight. They were customers so whatever we did to refuse had to be polite. You quickly run out of ways to nicely say no thank you. For avoidance of doubt, I have no issues with alcohol except it makes it blooming hard to get up at 6am the next day....for further info, the people who put the most pressure on were the people who had their own obvious alcohol issues. This may or may not be relevant

@Tulipsareredvioletsarebue well that's one interpretation I suppose.
Personally I read it as 'managed her eating' not 'punished herself for having an ice cream'. Sounded proactive not miserable. Which is another way to look at it.
But maybe you have narrow views of what happy looks like.

5 ft 3

Sorry, but taking scales on holiday is hard evidence of your disordered thinking with food, despite your protestation about viewing food as fuel. You view it as the enemy that has to be defeated on a daily basis!!

You clearly know that your weight will naturally fluctuate daily due to a number of things besides the food you’ve consumed, such as the weather and humidity, etc. and that a couple of pounds increase over a week on holiday isn’t actually fat deposits, but likely due to water retention which will disappear naturally when you get back home and back to your normal eating habits.

Please seriously consider seeing an eating disorders therapist or a good hypnotist and definitely try leaving the scales at home and learn to trust yourself. You can overcome this obsessive behaviour.