My restrictive eating triggers people

[Cadelo]

I wouldn’t say I have an issue with food but I am very mindful of what I eat.

I am 30 and spent a lot of my 20s depressed because of my weight. I love being able to put on a dress and not worry how I will look in it. I love not always having to go for the flattering option. I don’t miss the comments where people made me feel like shit unintentionally - “her body is thick like yours”.

3 years ago I lost 60 pounds. It was not pleasant. I never want to go back.

I just know my controlled eating annoys people. My own sister will invite me over for a takeaway and get annoyed when we order pizza and I only have a slice/or 2 and make a big salad to go along with it. “You only live once”. Blah blah blah.

I’m getting enough calories to maintain my weight. My bmi is also healthy. Some people call me scrawny but like I said I have a healthy bmi.

So I do take scales on holiday as I weigh myself daily. And my SIL made a comment that if she sees them she’s going to chuck them in the bin. She’s a normal weight. I’m glad her life was never small due to confidence issues. If I see I am over a certain weight I just know to eat lightly for a week or so.

I know we will sit down for breakfast (we are going to Greece in 2 weeks) and she will say something or try to tempt me when I order a fruit platter. Or constantly trying to get me to have an ice cream (I do occasionally - and when I do it becomes this massive thing).

I’m so sick of my eating being a problem for others.

I haven't RTFT so forgive me if I'm repeating, but just wanted to lend my support. How you eat and what you eat is entirely up to you! And I speak as someone who's always been very conscious of my weight, never been fat but always thought I was, got older and realised how ridiculous that was as I started to gain weight and actually get a bit fat around menopause, lost some again, am managing to stay an okay weight by doing 16:8 but tbh will always be minor-league obsessed with my weight because, well, toxic diet culture, the patriarchy, etc. People who get annoyed by your eating habits are doing so because of their own shit - I would 100% get triggered too, but am fully aware that it's my own issue to deal with so I would keep my mouth shut. It's like trying to make people drink, or drink more, who don't want to - it's alllll about the person doing the nagging, and how the naggee makes them feel about their own intake/habits. Tune it out, rise above it. Let them deal with it.

Well done on losing 60lbs. It seems you still let food dominate your life, maybe you need therapy.

Just have a few sips of wine. No one is forcing you to binge drink. Doesn’t mean you can’t be responsible about what you choose to put into your body.

Someone tell AA they can disband! 😂

I'm a daily weigher too. I've never been overweight and don't want to be, I enjoy being slim. I know all about fluctuations in weight but have a range that I like to stay between.

I don't understand why people need other people to 'enjoy their food' to enjoy their own. I only ever pay attention to what I'm eating, if we are all sat around at a meal together I honestly don't see what difference it makes if I pick the salad and you pick the lasagne. I never comment on anyone else's food, I eat and enjoy mine even if I have picked it because it fits in with my daily calorie intake. You eat yours and enjoy yours and mind your own business.

there is middle ground, do your friends and family never comment or intervene if they're worried about your behaviours, eating or otherwise?

do they go in gang ho straight away or do gentle check-ins and try to be kind?

It seems to me they and your DH are slightly worried about and trying to flag it to you without being mean, but might be worried you are being obsessive and if my loved one was bringing a scale on holiday and doing what i considered to be under eating or obsessive with food, I would try to address it as nicely as possible.

I would be worried about you.

It's unfortunately true. After I lost the first two stone, I was constantly told I was 'wasting away', I looked 'unwell' and that I should forget dieting because everyone gains it back anyway.

I was still 3 stone from a healthy BMI and my waist was 35+ inches.

How did your dh and sil learn you were ‘fat’ if you lost the weight before you met?

Do you not think that people who weigh themselves daily know that? You are far more likely to notice the fluctuations when you weigh yourself daily than you are if you weigh weekly for instance. People tend to have an ideal weight and 3lbs either way is fine for example but any more/less than that they adjust their diet.

Can't you enjoy yourself on holiday and detox for a week/2weeks after? That's all it takes for me to lose holiday bloat and it's so worth being able to relax while away.

She sounds insufferable and really rude. I’d limit eating with her. Your choice was exactly what I’d have chosen.

What does your title mean?

How does it "trigger" people? All I see from your posts is people having an opinion, which is none of their business tbh.

So who is "triggered"??

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her (pleasant, not tetchy, you come across as very reasonable in your posts, so it shouldn't be a problem). Explain that you had serious weight issues at one time, it's not something you want to over discuss, but you'd prefer her not to make a fuss over what you eat. You shouldn't have to do this in fairnness, but if it means she stops it'll be worth it.

Aside from this issue, do you enjoy going on holiday with them?

Remember, you don’t have to go on holiday together just because they’re family. We once invited one of DH’s sisters and her husband away with us…never again! We all get along, but we’re very different people.

I'm not sure this is comparable?

An alcoholic still has to drink, but they wouldn't drink alcohol. They'd choose water/squash/cola etc.

Just as people don't have to eat rubbish, just because they have to eat?

They’re probably the same type of people who don’t like it if you’re not guzzling as much alcohol as them.

I'd message your sister in advance and ask her nicely not to make an issue about what you do or don't choose to eat on the holiday. Remind her that you have had eating disorders in the past and that you have found a way of eating that works for you and keeps you healthy. Then if she starts have a brief brush off mantra ready - please don't Jane, like I said I am happy with my choices. And just keep repeating it every time till she stops bugging you.

If you want to take the scales, take the scales. I lost a similar amount to you, and I took scales too. It wasn't obsessive, I just wanted, and did, keep an eye on where I was. People that haven't lost a lot of weight have no understanding of the process and challenges that you've undertaken. That is fair enough, but their opinion of how you should do you, doesn't matter a jot. Other, less pleasant people, want you to fail and to regain the weight, either because they have failed to lose theirs, or because they dislike your new confidence and 'status'. Ignore the lot of them, you've done brilliantly, keep doing what works for you. Congratulations!

@Cadelo

can I ask for a typical days food

I need tips!

@Cadelo rather than the scales which are quite obvious, maybe take a top/ bottoms that start getting nippy if you are putting on too much. That way you know but nobody else knows you are checking.

Photos

again why should she?

It is. Hope that helps.

That sounds like hell. I never want to be in a calorie deficit EVER again

The scales do seem a bit much but at the same time I can understand why you need them, wonder if there is something else that would give you the validation without weighing down your luggage like I imagine scales would! Perhaps measuring yourself?

People should mind their own business. I'm 4 stone overweight and I hate it. Yet every occasion revolves around eating and alcohol.