To be at my wit's end with DS's table manners.

[LittlePearDrop]

DS is 11, nearly 12.

His table manners are atrocious. He has to be constantly prompted to use a knife and fork, otherwise he just uses his hands.

He drops food everywhere.

He wipes his hands on his clothes.

He chews with his mouth open.

He shovels food into his mouth as though he were starving when he absolutely is not.

If it's something like a sandwich, he can't just take a bite like a normal civilized human being. He has to pull chunks off to shove into his mouth, creating more crumbs.

We eat all meals together when at home. So it's not like he doesn't have role models. I am CONSTANTLY correcting him, every bloody meal time, and yet nothing changes. I've tried praising the good, I've tried threatening no pudding as a consequence and whilst that works in the short term, it's back to the same habits next meal time. I make him clean up his own mess.

His younger sister doesn't have any of these habits. He isn't neuro diverse. He is incredibly lazy and will always opt for the easiest route to complete something, even if it isn't the best option.

Anyone got any tips? I'm fed up of having to prompt him every meal time and of his clothes getting grease stains all over them. It's like he never progressed from the toddler years but in all other aspects he's a lovely and intelligent boy.

Don’t have answers sorry but I have a 9 year old like this. I do wonder if he has ADHD sometimes.

The other kids have reasonable table manners though are older and I am at a loss as to how to improve the situation.

There is an element of he'll smarten up his act once he starts socialising with his peers in his teens.

Make sure you mostly eat at the table (if possible). Provide paper napkins, if you don't already.

I had one like this, turned out to be dyspraxic. So learning to manipulate cutlery and coordinate took much much longer but they got there (plus peer pressure in secondary, see point 1 above)

I'm not at all excusing your son.

I've always struggled to eat with my mouth closed. It was only in my late 20s that a friend commented something, and I realised I can't breathe through my nose comfortably.

Everything else he will eventually learn, or he will face being socially outcasted.

One of my cousins was eventually cured by two tactics by my aunt.

1. she did not discourage the family cat from scavenging for scraps; when he realised that Fluffy was sitting by his chair looking hopeful as best option, and his own plate was not being topped up, he began to make sure less was dropped.
2. She placed a mirror on the table facing him, so that he could see what chewing with an open mouth looked like.

You could make the easy option more hassle; for example, if he makes his clothes greasy, he has to change his clothes and possibly do a bit of laundry sorting, valuable gaming time spent on sorting out his own mess. Similar thread some time ago said of the toddler stage, laziness about using the loo stopped when her DS realised that coming in, cleaning himself up, changing his clothes took him away from playtime.

From his age, I'd guess he's no longer at Junior School, so he's of an age when he should be gaining some independence skills.

Thanks all. He starts secondary school in September (he's a September birthday) and I'm hoping that will help. But when I've asked him if his friends eat like that, he doesn't seem to care.

Does he have a phone? Taking it away until the next meal (every time the last one isn't eaten normally) will fix this in pretty short order, probably. Or if he doesn't but he wants one and you are going to let him, make that the carrot.

I'm sorry, but I would remove the plate every time. Eat properly or don't eat. It's his choice. He's old enough to know the difference in what's acceptable.

I'd concentrate on using a fork. This will reduce the grease on fingers. Make him brush the floor after each meals.

Reward him if he eats with a fork he can have his phone/games console til the next meal. If he doesn't then no tech. It can be earned meal by meal. Especially with the holidays coming up. 28 days is habit forming.

He's lazy. He'll learn.

How do you know he's not ND?

If he's "forgetting" his manners then put a list of manners up in big letters right in front of him at the table until he can remember. I like the mirror idea too.

Using his hands rather than a knife and fork sounds worrying. Is this a habit or is there something else going on? Is he eating in front of the TV? If so, stop that. Have him sitting at a table opposite you or another proper eater; ignore the knife for now and get him to hold and use his fork. I’d also cut his food up, partly to facilitate just using the fork, but also to send a message that his eating behaviour is immature.

If he drops bits on the floor, make him pick them up after he’s eaten. If he gets his clothes dirty, make him change and sort the dirty item. It sounds like laziness and a lack of thought.

What is his work like at school? Does he write neatly on the lines? Does he write from the margin to the end of each line? How is he at doing up buttons and shoe laces?

I am guessing his infant reflexes have not gone dormant and he is struggling with the mid line spatial awareness. Let me guess he brings his head to his plate? Does he also tend to slump when sitting ie leans on something as if to prop himself up?

My children were neurodiverse. There was nothing wrong with their table manners. One had problems with small muscle movements but still learned to handle a knife and fork.

If you’re absolutely sure there’s no neurodivergence that needs investigating, he is far too old to be behaving like this at the dinner table and it’s likely been going on for far too long. As a previous poster suggested, I’d be commencing a zero tolerance policy on this behaviour and taking his plate away every single time, after one clear reminder and one warning. Lets face it, it’s pretty disgusting for everyone else to have to watch and not coming down hard on it now isn’t doing him any favours.

If my three year old ate like this I’d be nipping it in
the bud asap.

Sounds like my DD who is 8. Nothing we do makes any difference. Fingers, dropping food, cutlery knocked to the floor, maybe she'll fall off her chair just to add to the chaos!

I suspect neurodiversity. Adhd, or dyslexia maybe. Finds writing very difficult and is just a bit bonkers.

But meal times are hell, we find it very 'triggering' (I hate that word) to sit and have a family meal.

I hate that we can't improve it. We don't eat out.

This is disgusting and has to stop now.

Unless he eats with respect for those around him, his food is removed. Every single time. The End.

None of my dc are nd but seem to have an aversion to using knives. They do when out but it really frustrates me as we’ve taught them, they’re just lazy. Dh and I model good eating etiquette. All three are teens. I don’t get it.

I heard very recently of a mum telling her pre teen dd that yes, she can have her ears pierced - once she starts invariably keeping her mouth closed while eating without being prompted!

He's got bad table manners. There is no excuse unless he is physically unable to hold a knife and fork. Manners are about how you make other people feel. He doesn't care that he makes everyone else feel sick. I'd take the plate away. Stop making me feel sick or don't eat.
For background, DS would eat very little as a very small child. After consulting my GP we let him get on with eating crisps and cottage cheese for a while, but he sat at meals and whatever we had, he had. Our food was much more interesting than crisps and cottage cheese so he began to eat - it was only a phase of months - and he was taught table manners. Two sets, one with knives and forks, (starting with 'knife to the right, fork to the left' - I am appalled how many young people do not eat like this nowadays, ditto my late DH who was left-handed but nevertheless followed this rule!) the other set teaching the ability to pick up food with a chappati and eat with his right hand only, left hand to sit in lap, not touch the food, and right hand to stay clean as used for drinking glass at said meal. Could manage both sets of manners by the time he was five. Don't let your DS continue to upset everyone at meals.

We are ND and eat like this

Even if he is ND he can still learn and respond to social etiquette. It may take longer with slightly lower expectations but certainly improvements could be made on what you are describing.

If you are certain he isn’t ND I would do the same as other posters have said, go zero tolerance. He is being selfish and making everyone else’s meal times less enjoyable. I know 5 and 6 year olds who are capable of better table manners.

Put a bigger consequence in place?

My kids (8 & 13) are horrendous at time keeping and are always late despite count downs and prompting.

For every 1 minute they are late I deduct 15 minutes from screen time. They kicked up merry hell but guess what!??! They're rarely more than 1 minute late any more!

I’d mention the mouth open each time. Drives me bonkers.

Make sure it’s food he cannot rip up, where he has to use his cutlery. It is is a sandwich maybe try cutting it up tiny like for a baby

Is he interested in finding a boy/girlfriend? If so tell him he needs to eat nicely to practice for any dates