To be at my wit's end with DS's table manners.

[LittlePearDrop]

DS is 11, nearly 12.

His table manners are atrocious. He has to be constantly prompted to use a knife and fork, otherwise he just uses his hands.

He drops food everywhere.

He wipes his hands on his clothes.

He chews with his mouth open.

He shovels food into his mouth as though he were starving when he absolutely is not.

If it's something like a sandwich, he can't just take a bite like a normal civilized human being. He has to pull chunks off to shove into his mouth, creating more crumbs.

We eat all meals together when at home. So it's not like he doesn't have role models. I am CONSTANTLY correcting him, every bloody meal time, and yet nothing changes. I've tried praising the good, I've tried threatening no pudding as a consequence and whilst that works in the short term, it's back to the same habits next meal time. I make him clean up his own mess.

His younger sister doesn't have any of these habits. He isn't neuro diverse. He is incredibly lazy and will always opt for the easiest route to complete something, even if it isn't the best option.

Anyone got any tips? I'm fed up of having to prompt him every meal time and of his clothes getting grease stains all over them. It's like he never progressed from the toddler years but in all other aspects he's a lovely and intelligent boy.

Get him some napkins so he doesn't have to use his clothes

I'd make him.wear a bib for a start.

@Decompressing2 my son is like this but I’ve not heard it being described in this way. Can you elaborate and is there anything I can do about it?

It can indicate dyspraxia, which not many people know about or know to look out for.

Does he eat properly in different settings? Like a restaurant or a fancier dinner at someone's house?

Are you saying that you as an adult can not learn how to eat properly because of this?

Is he dyspraxic or could he have another neurodivergence? My children were like this but they have ASD/dyspraxia. They eat normally now they have grown up but are still a bit messy leaving small bits of food on the table. Don’t stress too much.

I'm autistic and dyspraxic and I have to plan my meals properly or wear an apron because I have poor spatial awareness, grip control, hand eye coordination and sensory issues.

So yes, as adults it can still be incredibly hard to eat properly because of this.

What punishment do you give for him being lazy and eating like a pig?

My DS(9) struggles with using a knife and fork (although he does use them), and often accidentally drops food around the plate and down himself and on the floor. He has been assessed recently by an educational psychologist for academic reasons but she also asked about other things and she was interested about his difficulties with cutlery and eating cleanly. DS can’t also perceive if there is food on his face - again she was interested and overall she suspects he has Dyspraxia. Have a look online and see if anything resonates.

Of course, your DS could not just GAF but I read on here once that someone else had this with their DD. Her table manners improved sharpish in y7 once she was at secondary and the other kids were disgusted at her eating behaviour.

I was on a tour group holiday with an ex-friend years ago and we went to a country pub for dinner, along with others on the tour. Most of us ordered steak and my friend picked it up with her hands and started biting bits off it, putting it down and using her knife and fork to eat the vege etc, before picking the steak up again, repeat. I nearly died of embarrassment, she was oblivious, and the others on the group looked on in horror. I have no idea why on earth she was thinking or why she didn’t observe others eating the steak with their cutlery.

You're describing my DS! He's 6 but I'm so done with it already! Add to it that he also keeps standing up, he just can't sit down fr more than a minute before he's up getting a toy or something else and I have to constantly ask him to sit back down.

Watching the tips with interest so I don't have another 6 years of this! His brother is 3 and makes no mess at all, always uses cutlery and washes his hands as soon as he's finished. DS1 will consistently wipe them on his clothes or the chair. Drives me bananas!

My mil chews with her mouth open, making loud smacking noises and spitting bits of masticated food across the table. She's 84 so nothing is going to change, but it's really difficult to enjoy time with her because of it. Even a biscuit with a cuppa gets shared with the entire room. It's nauseating.

Don't let your DS continue this way. He's either dyspraxic or lazy.

I'd start with a bib or apron with sleeves for mealtimes, cutting up his food for him and making him eat with civility, removing his plate if he ignores me.

So you presumably breathe through your mouth?!?! So is your mouth always open then? I can't imagine doing that, my mouth is always closed unless talking or putting food/drink in it.

I used to date a mouth breather 20 years ago. It gave me the ick. He was always like 👄👄👄

Ok I see. Must be hard, if you genuinely can’t help it. Thanks for explaining.

Well, stop! It's disgusting and is teaching your DC to have appalling table manners. My DD is ND and doesn't eat like a dog. At least close your mouth whilst you're chewing

I'm stunned at the people on here, trying to say that being neurodivergent somehow stops them from being able to close their mouth. It's just not true!

I'd have nipped this in the bud when he was 4 or 5. Don't try to use a knife and fork don't eat. Why have you let him do this for so many years without stopping him?

Wow the judgement here is huge!

For information, if you have a condition where you cannot breathe through your nose, then you will eat/chew with your mouth open, simply because you need to breathe as you eat! 🙄
I'm autistic and dyspraxic and I have to plan my meals properly or wear an apron because I have poor spatial awareness, grip control, hand eye coordination and sensory issues. Excellent explanation by @Jimmyneutronsforehead

Poor eating habits are not necessarily due to being lazy 🙄

No, but sometimes it’s a factor, and not being able to breathe through your nose DEFINITELY is a factor!

OP, sorry for all the replies you’re getting telling you things you already know/are doing 🙄.

My DS is exactly the same age and not quite as bad, but he still has the worst table manners in the family.

I think some of the suggestions here are quite shaming — my guess is that for the most part he doesn’t know he’s doing it and just needs constant reminders.

Is he very hungry at mealtimes? My DS loves his food and I think sometimes in the rush to eat he just forgets.

My tack (which sort of works) is to just constantly and gently remind him with one or two words in a quiet voice:

“DS, knife and fork.”
“DS, mouth closed.”
”DS, slow down a bit.”

Don’t embarrass him or call him disgusting etc. Just remind him all the time.

(I got this from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen btw, which I would highly recommend.)

We took away DS' chair for years as then we didn't need to constantly remind him how to sit on his chair and could just focus on manners around actually getting food into his mouth.
It's also got better as he's got older as we have many fewer family meals as we rarely eat at the same time due to clashing clubs and other activities in the evenings. We probably only sit down & eat as a family now about three times a week and for those occasions he can manage to have average table manners.
There will still be a mess all around him but then there will be around me too which is due to some form of something like dyspraxia.

My 11 year old is similar (also starting high school in September). He uses a knife and fork well but we cannot get him to chew with his mouth closed, whereas his 8 year old brother has done this for years! I’ve tried everything except a sticker chart. I’m now going to reward him chewing with his mouth closed WITHOUT being reminded with a sticker each mealtime; stickers will add up to FIFA points. It’s my last resort to be honest, and he’s up for it. He’s an angel child, but just cannot seem to grasp this. We joke at mealtimes that he’ll take a date out for dinner and they’ll say ‘xxx is so handsome and kind and funny but he eats like a dog’ and refuse to see him again 🤣

This is not ‘normal’ you should get him checked for any nd. The other option us to totally ignore it as he may be attention seeking

what An ignorant and nasty comment