To let my dd have days off school when she is tired/stressed/overwhelmed ?

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dd is year 9. Since she was in year 5 she has expressed on average 2-3 days per year that she felt she couldn’t go in to school. This doesn’t happen that much and she does have ASD. We feel it’s important to allow her this autonomy so that she can pace herself.

At times we have considered home educating her but she seems to know what she can and can’t manage and we would rather she stays in school. This year she has already had the 3 days off and needed the fourth of the year today. So it is increasing. The school aren’t happy but she is doing extremely well academically so it’s not affecting her in that way.

They have suggested that we actually stop allowing her these days but I’ve said no as we think it’s helping her avoid autistic burnout.

AIBU though? Is there another way or do others do this as I really feel it’s working well for her

I let my DD stay home on a handful of occasions over her school life. She could get really upset about things and on those occasions I didn't think it was reasonable to make her go. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or whether I should have made her face difficult things head on (but she often seemed rather fragile), you just have to do what you think best at the time.

I did the same for my Autistic DD. Without it she may not have managed school at all, particularly in year 11. Luckily the schools knew we were supportive and cooperative parents and never challenged us. It’s a shame for schools they can’t have an absence code for this so that it doesn’t make their stats look bad. It would also help them identify patterns and intervene before a student breaks down completely.

IMO you're doing the right thing

Her mental well-being is important too and it sounds like it's not effecting her school work at all, I don't see the harm

I mean where does it stop though ? The danger is that this gets more and more. She needs to build resilience. We can't have days of Willy nilly.

Have you spoken to the doctors? They can actually help with managing some symptoms but if they can't they can support/suggest time off. My DS doctor has said if he needs time off for anxiety or whatever they will back me. My DS is 15 and has autism, adhd and touretts. He manages fine most of the time and doesn't want to miss school as he likes hanging out with his mates but when things are rough I do let him off.

She sounds like she has a really good grasp on how to manage her resources, which is fantastic. Unfortunately my daughter did experience what we think is autistic burnout, and is still off school and recovering almost 6 months later. If she is coping, then definitely carry on as you are.

Personally, I burn out with 5 days a week in the office too, so have a day working from home every week to decompress.

My attendance at school was dire - 85%. But my grades were excellent (as in "best results nationwide" excellent).

I honestly found the work easy but the social scene hard.

And I'm not that different as an adult - tend to be a top performer at work with poor-ish attendance. My employers have always had their money's worth.

If I were in charge of the world, I'd make it more individual, but as it is, it doesn't sound excessive to me.

It sounds fine if her attendance is otherwise good.

My sons off today for the same reason. End of term can be exhausting for autistic kids. I think it’s important that they feel rested and understood and believed.

Sounds like the issue here is you telling the school so they are forced to respond.

I've taught kids who end up with one or two of these days a week, because their parents don't say no. That's the slippery slope.

A handful a year? I'd crack on, but tell them she's "ill". Not because lying should be the way forward, but because they're obliged to deal with it.

It doesn't sound like she's having days off 'willy nilly' though. It sounds like she's managing it and this is part of that

As a professional in the field and mother of a very similar child. 100% do it. When we give children a sense of escape they actually don't need it all the time. We used a very similar method with my daughter and I am confident it is the only reason she finished school. She can use annual leave or flexible working to manage this as a grown up. I believe one of the reasons teachers struggle so much is they can't manage their annual leave as might be best for them. If you feel she is abusing it then you can reassess. My daughter never did. Resilience is absolutely not achieved by pushing through regardless

If you start this it will escalate and she will refuse to go at all. We have to teach kids resilience otherwise they will never get employment and enjoy a good life as they will earn to hide away when they are feeling stressed.

It's nearly the end of the year. 4th today. Hardly massive. It's for ASD her MH. Tell them she is ill.
If a child is in a lot, and doing well academically, what's the problem?

As a teacher, I don't think 4 days in a year is that much and if it's helping her cope with school, then I think it's preferable to forcing her in and causing burnout. It clearly hasn't escalated that much over the last 5 years, as she has gone from 2-3 days to 4. As long as you aren't taking her on term time holidays etc as well, I think this probably is the best solution. I would say if her attendance overall is above 95%, I would carry on as you are.

Schools have to query every absence, I would probably just make something up, say she's generally under the weather or similar.

I think this is fine as long as it's occasional. You may be allowing her space to actually cope with school. If there was a specific thing she was avoiding e.g. exams or a particular lesson, teacher, pupil etc then I'd want to explore that and try to solve the issue because just avoiding it doesn't, really. But if it's due to energy levels/overload that is different.

Of course we can have days off "willy nilly" ie, when needed. As adults, you can book holiday, choose a job with a schedule that suits you, or take a mental health day. That's better than pushing through and burning out. So no, I don't think it sets a precedent for anything. She's not taking a day off to go shopping with her mates. It's a sick day. And I expect if there is a particular reason that she needs to be in (e.g. an exam) then that wouldn't be a day that she'd ask anyway. (Indeed it would be a different question).

I do the same for dc3 and it seems to prevent things spiralling, I keep an eye on the amount of times and notice it's usually around the end of terms/hormonal but has had 4 days this year (which is usually what it equates to). The end of term with changes to timetables, sports day, end of year trips are hard. Dc actually had a day off last week for this (after spending every evening for a week a sleep on the sofa) and slept all morning but insisted on spending all afternoon doing school work and then announcing getting a full day's worth of education in 3 hours because there was no distractions! Dc is expected to get 8/9s at gcse so educationally it isn't an issue.
I wish my mum had seen that preventative measures like this would make school easier overall.

I do the same for autistic dd. She's just finishing year 7, attendance 90% but in top 5-10% of her year group in a girls' grammar, so at the moment I'm not worried about her grades, but I do appreciate that the nearer she gets to GCSEs, the harder it will be to not suffer from poorer attendance.
School are really supportive, because ultimately they want her happy to be there and in lessons.
Most times, if it's a bad morning, we try again at lunch time which seems to work more often than not.

She is lucky in that she doesn’t get unwell that much so these days aren’t making her attendance really low. She just seems to sometimes completely run out of mental energy, she has situational mutism as well and prior to yr5 if we had pushed her in thinking it was best for her to push through she would lose her speech for days and days and needed to recover for longer

Her knowing you will respect her need to take time off will go a long way to her coping the rest of the time. I'd be concerned it if was more than 6 days a year, hopefully she'll keep it low as things ramp up.

No I've done it a few times with my dd in y9.

Dd y7 not yet but probably will.

The sad thing is I had to lie and say she was physically ill.

Get so sick of autistic people being told they need resilience. Would you say that to someone with a visible disability.

OP you’re completely doing the right thing. Each of those days off could possibly save you weeks off if she goes into full burnout. Forcing a child into school completely breaks down trust.

Mine both have autism and I always did this when it was clear it was a day they were going to be completely unable to cope.
There was no point sending them in when I knew I'd be getting a phone call an hour later to tell me that someone had been hit or kicked or bitten or my son was banging his head on something or had legged it down the street with three members of staff in hot pursuit.

Imo there's nothing to be gained by putting them into a situation you know is going to end badly for them.

I think you're going to get a lot of responses from parents of NT children who will be telling you you need to make her and she just has to learn and other bollocks along those lines (edit - yey. resilience. Should have put that on my bingo card. 🤦) but ASD is a whole other ballgame and you have to do things differently.

So keep her off when you know she needs it. The school can like it or lump it. You should fight for this need to be mentioned in her ehcp and for these days to be part of her stated needs

School refusal usually comes from being forced in actually.

Couple of "sick days" a year isn't much is it ? Not for her to recharge or just have a rest, her mental wellbeing is just as important as her physical.