To let my dd have days off school when she is tired/stressed/overwhelmed ?

[Mintgreenpeppermintcreams]

dd is year 9. Since she was in year 5 she has expressed on average 2-3 days per year that she felt she couldn’t go in to school. This doesn’t happen that much and she does have ASD. We feel it’s important to allow her this autonomy so that she can pace herself.

At times we have considered home educating her but she seems to know what she can and can’t manage and we would rather she stays in school. This year she has already had the 3 days off and needed the fourth of the year today. So it is increasing. The school aren’t happy but she is doing extremely well academically so it’s not affecting her in that way.

They have suggested that we actually stop allowing her these days but I’ve said no as we think it’s helping her avoid autistic burnout.

AIBU though? Is there another way or do others do this as I really feel it’s working well for her

I used to do this as a child. I always tried really hard at school and was moved up a year, did SATs early etc so was very academic and really enjoyed school, had good friendships etc but on the odd occasion, I needed a day off and my mum was ok with this. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with it but my parents never had to push me, I always did my homework, was part of the choir, played sports etc- so it wasn't like I was slacking off. I could just recognise from a young age when I needed time and space and a mental health day if you like and I'm really grateful that my parents trusted me

I do this with DD and she’s still in primary school - I notice towards the ends of terms she can get extremely emotional and tired, and whilst I don’t ever really suggest it myself, if she asked for a day off I would let her.

I’ve had letters home regarding her attendance (last year I think it was 90%) but she’s also above the expected standard in the three main subjects, so it honestly doesn’t bother me.

Do you have any examples of what the reasonable adjustments could be? Dd is going into year 8 soon and I'm worried about how she's going to cope as she moves up the school and the pressures get worse.

I think it’s fine, it’s not excessive. She’s autistic and doing really well regulating herself and knowing when she needs to take time for herself. I wouldn’t worry.

She might work part-time. Or work from home and run her own business so that she can manage her own workload. Or do well paid freelance work in fits and starts.

The 9-5 Monday - Friday model isn’t suitable for some people, and there are many people who don’t work that way and never well. Or who will thrive in quiet and calm offices or solitary outdoor work. Life after school isn’t the same as school.

I’ve always let my girls have the odd couch day off when they have needed it. It has not impacted their learning one tiny bit. They are not robots and sometimes need that quiet time to check out

Absolutely let her have the odd day if she needs it - you are protecting her mental health. I let my kids have the odd day if they were tired out, end of term they are all exhausted! It sounds like you're very sensible and doing a great job. Trust your instincts, you know your daughter best.

I think given the number of days in total, try to see what the triggers are. Is it days of the week, particular subjects, do things such as weather play a part.

Absolutely.
As a parent who was encouraged to force my child in until they became a complete school refuser definitely you are doing the right thing.

And you can't compare with a working environment, people generally choose their workplace and a work environment that suits them, and part-time work is an option.

That’s not how you teach resilience. That is how you teach grin and bear it for far too long until you have a complete mental breakdown all for the lack of one MH day every 3 months.

Knowing when you need a day off for mental self care is exhibiting resilience.

As a parent of a similarly aged DS with ASD I would caution against it as much as you can. We have always done this to allow for him to regulate his emotions and avoid autistic burnout. We're now in a position where he is at absolute refusal to go in and it is INCREDIBLY hard to manage. School have been supportive but ultimately their hands are tied and it's down to us as his parents to get him out of the house. This often ends in meltdowns. I honestly think this is because we gave him too much autonomy over it and it got out of hand.

That's 10% of the time off. Doesn't that seem like quite a lot?

You don't understand how a neuro diverse child feels. On some occasions life is utterly over whelming for them. OPs child is doing well academically so parents are doing right by their child.

This is exactly my experience as a child too.

When discussing the huge range of neuro diversity my therapist recently told me that ever child who has autism, for example, is different. Your neuro divergent child is not the same as OPs child.

If mainstream schools offer places to ASD students they need to get on board with the particular challenges.

I have adhd and often need to take days off at work. I took nothing last year but took off 5 this year. Not sure why it’s such an issue if she’s keeping up with her work.

Actually the opposite.

If you force my autistic ds to go to school when he is anxious and overwhelmed he ends up in a huge state and missing more school.

If we let him stay home, he goes in as soon as he feels he can. Sometimes by lunchtime, always next day.

It's not about resilience, it's about autistic kids recognising when they are overwhelmed and taking time to regulate. That's really healthy. We know our kids. Force them too hard and they'll end up out of school entirely.

This year she has already had the 3 days off and needed the fourth of the year today. So it is increasing. The school aren’t happy but she is doing extremely well academically so it’s not affecting her in that way. They have suggested that we actually stop allowing her these days but I’ve said no as we think it’s helping her avoid autistic burnout.

YANBU- the school is being unreasonable not only ethically, but legally. They are required by law to allow her reasonable accommodations for her disability of ASD. This includes sick days for reason of mental well being. School is an all day social situation and it is super common for children with ASD to find social situations extra stressful and draining.

I would not worry about the tiny increase in the days off. 4 per year is very low. It is to be expected that she will need more days off as she gets older and school gets more demanding and stressful.

I was recently diagnosed with ASD and I remember in high school having to go before the school board almost annually about repeating a year as I regularly hit 60days of absence from school in an academic year. There is a threshold where x absences mean you auto fail no matter your grades and I’d have to appeal and get passed on to next grade. I was also top of my year academically with the highest scores in every subject- so I was never held back and always won my appeal to go on to the next year and top set/honours track. They were never happy about it- zero awareness of autism then and I was treated like a lazy genius who was manipulating everyone.

I stayed home and studied independently when my autism got the best of me and I couldn’t handle the sensory overload of being crammed into a building with thousands of students.

It wasn’t an issue in University because no one logs attendance at lectures and you can even drift in late or bunk off early from a lecture if you need to. I had courses with lots of lab work and liked doing that from 11pm to 4am so I’d be by myself…only me and the security guard & cleaner!

It wasn’t hard with work because I’d just call off sick (mental health day) or use a day of annual leave here and there rather than take all my holidays in blocks of weeks. Once I graduated from a cubicle/work station to my own private office, I rarely needed days off- I was able to put in my calendar a full day blocked off for what I called an ‘Admin Day’ and I’d shut my door and work with strict instructions of do not disturb to my staff (unless emergency).

I did all this not knowing I was autistic. Today, it is much more accepted and recognised. My hope is your DD will have it easier than I, but make no mistake this is a need and she is showing remarkable resilience by taking care of herself so she can be academically successful and this is a good habit that will help her be successful in “the real world.”

I really doubt that his school refusal is the result of being allowed days off. For whatever reason particular to his ASD (everyone child is different) he finds school too much.

Oh I completely agree, I was just offering my personal point of view really, not saying that our situation is how it is for every ND person or child.

Yes he really does find it too much. I don't think it's the sole cause of the school refusal, just one of the multitude of things that's exacerbated it.

I think you need to reframe this as your DS has hit burnout despite having ad hoc days off, not because. In other words, if you had allowed him no days off he would have refused school a lot sooner.

The school is shifting the fault from them and their lack of support while he is in school to you when you are the one party that has been supporting your DS’.

He would be able to go to school with some frequency if there were accommodations to avoid sensory overload. The meltdowns are a clear sign of either sensory overload at school OR fear of certain sensory overload if he goes to school.

This is on the school to fix, and honestly you may need to find a different school as a child often won’t trust an old school to change and be more accomodating.

Well, in Year 9 we're talking four days, its hardly excessive. Autistic burnout can see children off school for months, so I'd sayvshes doing great. Plenty of resilience on all the other days.

My DD6 is on the waiting list for an autism assesment and occasionally needs a day off like this.

The last one was last Friday. Her attendance is very good otherwise and she is one of the best in the class academically, it's the social stuff she struggles with. I've never met a child that is more into academic stuff than she is, in her spare time she likes to do math worksheets, chess puzzles, read books about space etc. If anything school restricts her by making her do stuff she already knows.

I can tell when she is due a day off, in the lead up she is getting increasingly crabby and tired and I can tell that she is having problems masking.