To let my dd have days off school when she is tired/stressed/overwhelmed ?

[Mintgreenpeppermintcreams]

dd is year 9. Since she was in year 5 she has expressed on average 2-3 days per year that she felt she couldn’t go in to school. This doesn’t happen that much and she does have ASD. We feel it’s important to allow her this autonomy so that she can pace herself.

At times we have considered home educating her but she seems to know what she can and can’t manage and we would rather she stays in school. This year she has already had the 3 days off and needed the fourth of the year today. So it is increasing. The school aren’t happy but she is doing extremely well academically so it’s not affecting her in that way.

They have suggested that we actually stop allowing her these days but I’ve said no as we think it’s helping her avoid autistic burnout.

AIBU though? Is there another way or do others do this as I really feel it’s working well for her

My DC are NT but have dyslexia and sometimes they were just exhausted. Once or twice a year I used to send them back to bed and tell the school they had a bad headache or similar.

DS1 has just graduated with a good degree in a STEM subject so I don’t think his education suffered in the long run.

I took the opposite approach, my dd went in every day but I did pick her up early if needed. She's also autistic. We strongly believe that she needs to build resilience and she's an adult now and thanks us for pushing her through the hardest years (teen)

Considering her ASD, YANBU at all. Far rather a few days off a year, than to burn out

I take it you don't have much experience with ASD? Autistic burnout is a very real thing, ASD becomes harder to manage through the teenage years, and by giving her DD some space to decompress, she may well be ensuring that her DD actually gets through secondary. Rather than having full burnout and not being able to go at all.

You can't 'build resilience' to autism. It's a condition you are born with. The way your brain processes information is different to other people. It is also a disability, so saying she should, in effect, just get on with it is quite close to ableism (though ASD is not very well understood in women and girls, so I'm not chucking that one at you - I have been on my own journey learning about it!!).

However, the school shouldn't make this young women feel ashamed of needing time for decompression; it's a sensible strategy to manage her condition.

I'm now worried though as from September you can be fined for having 10 sessions of unauthorised absence in a 10-week period. That's only 5 days 😭😭

Our SENCO has suggested that sometimes we might want to consider this for DS. We've never yet kept him off but being given permission to do it has reassured us that they would understand. He's on a reduced timetable atm bc full days are a bit much for him, though I'm hoping with the right support in place from Sept he can go back up to full time.

Since my DD missed all y11, I am very happy to call her in sick for MH reasons if need be. 70% attendance is better than 0.

OP you know your child. 4 days to protect her seems sensible.

If her daughter's needs are not met then she will refuse to go at all.

At the moment having a few days off a year is meeting that need to recharge.

I am not ND but my mum let me have days off whenever I felt like it. I didn’t take the piss- 2 a year max and was never off sick for physical reasons so that was the total. I just needed to be alone some days and in my room reading a book and drinking cups of tea (just like adults do!)
It didn’t lead to some kind of delinquency, I aced my exams, got an honours degree, have a professional job and am part way through a masters so I think if she needs her let her. Only you know your child and whether it will work for them but I definitely don’t think it automatically leads to wanting more time off.

Surely if you let the school know they won't be in that day due to mental health reasons it shouldn't be recorded as unauthorised absence but illness (or other?). That's how it works at dd's school - she has no unauthorised absences.

I don't have kids at school and our country doesn't fine so just wondering. Does this include sickness?

I think you sound like a good parent. If she’s otherwise doing well at school, four days isn’t much at all. Most children are off more than that with various colds / vomiting bugs etc.

I'm a teacher and I still think it's important to let children stay at home to recharge when they really need it... adults do it so why shouldn't children?
Also, have you considered flexi schooling? Not sure how this would work in secondary school but did with both of my children in primary x

I came on here to say no, you should be teaching her to develop her resilience. But in light of the fact that she has ASD, I think it's a reasonable adjustment to protect against burnout.

I do the same for autistic DD I normally go with "Headache and upset stomach". Normally if she's mildly under the weather which a non autistic would brush off and be sent to school it makes her 'more' autistic and her traits come out more and she starts ticking. If it's a day when it's 'just' the autism she's struggling with, I'll get her in for a part day.

I had a chat with the attendance officer who said if she needs regular time off due to HR disability then to go to the GP and get a note, obviously this comes at an expense as it's outside the GPs normal work.

Her attendance is 95%, she is highly academic and when she is at home we have a copy of al the school textbook or she'll do Seneca if she's well enough so she misses minimal work.

Giving her those occasional days off makes a huge difference and she has coped far better this year than she did last year.

I do the same for my daughter and she's not autistic. I don't want her to hate school and it's very overwhelming. The next day she usually pops up super excited to go back.

I thought it meant illness

As others say, you're doing the right thing. Would the school rather she had the MH consequences of not managing the risk of autistic burnout. You could ask them to formally accept accommodation of the flexi days as a reasonable adjustment related to her disability. If you can get support for the idea from an OT and the SEND service provider that the school uses, it would be difficult for them to refuse.

If she is diagnosed as autistic then I'd respond with the words "reasonable adjustment".

Sounds like you’ve found a really good way to help your daughter manage what’s expected of her. I don’t find 4 days much at all. Maybe you can discuss with her this summer how she can try to limit these days to one per term? What can she/you/school do to help her with that? Even if it then goes up to 4, that’s hardly the end of the world, especially not given her good results. If the occasional day off helps her cope, then I say good for her!

You do need to start thinking and planning longer term though

In the short term ok to be reactive and have odd days off, absolutely the right thing to do no question.

But.. Likely as she heads deeper into teenage life it will all get massively harder and more draining, in all likelihood these ad hoc days won't be enough to keep her on an even keel.

Ideally should be able to set more of a structure up to avoid getting to that point completely (ideal would be reasonable adjustments made to the school experience to improve daily life, cloud cuckoo land I know)

Personally I would begin to plan out a regular amount of time off whether "needed" or not IYSWIM. And be prepared for war with the school over it.

My DC have a lot more than 2 or 3 mental health days a year. Thankfully my DC school is fully supportive of their needs due to Autism and mental health and physical illnesses and they're all doing well at school. I don't really care what anyone else thinks because they dont know my kids and everything they've been through and what they need.

I think 4 days is nothing.

YANBU.

Do what you feel is right for your daughter.

It's 4 days a year and she is doing well.

It's absolutely fine.

I do this, probably about once a month. In our case its not ASD but a genetic disability that causes joint and digestive pain and exhaustion. I just call in sick, because that's what he is. Absolutely nothing to be gained in forcing them in until they are so unwell its days, weeks or longer off. By managing it this way, he is very rarely off for more than a day.