To let my dd have days off school when she is tired/stressed/overwhelmed ?

[Mintgreenpeppermintcreams]

dd is year 9. Since she was in year 5 she has expressed on average 2-3 days per year that she felt she couldn’t go in to school. This doesn’t happen that much and she does have ASD. We feel it’s important to allow her this autonomy so that she can pace herself.

At times we have considered home educating her but she seems to know what she can and can’t manage and we would rather she stays in school. This year she has already had the 3 days off and needed the fourth of the year today. So it is increasing. The school aren’t happy but she is doing extremely well academically so it’s not affecting her in that way.

They have suggested that we actually stop allowing her these days but I’ve said no as we think it’s helping her avoid autistic burnout.

AIBU though? Is there another way or do others do this as I really feel it’s working well for her

My (generally really strict!) teacher mum, always let us have a day off here and there when we needed them. And I’m glad she did, because when it came to having my kids, I felt confident letting them having MH days off when they needed them. They all have good attendance (over 95%) and good grades.

I really think 4 days in a year is nothing to worry about. YANBU! But if school are being arseholes, just tell them it’s a bad headache…I mean, it will be if she doesn’t get some downtime.

You really have absolutely no idea. Resilience is such an overused and ableist term. You can't compare between kids because they're not all on a level playing field. Some kids are dealing with a hell of a lot more than others. Resilience doesn't look the same for everyone. Its not one size fits all. It's easy for some people to go on about resilience as an excuse for not supporting where there is greater support needs. FWIW we work on resilience a lot, it just doesn't look how you think it should. I haven't come across any mental health professionals who think this way and many who'd be appalled by your suggestion.

I sometimes wonder how people like you would go if they had to live my version of resilience. Fancy spending 24/7 for a year in 8+/10 untreatable pain bringing up 3 Autistic kids on your own and dealing with an abusive ex and we can see what you think of resilience and needing a mental health break at the end of that.

Says the poster who clearly has no understanding of autism.

@Mintgreenpeppermintcreams You are doing the right thing. Having the odd day off will keep her on an even keel and as PP said above - it's a reasonable adjustment.

Better that than forcing them in and they end up with emotional based school avoidance (aka burnout!)

My mum did this for me at school. I've been diagnosed with autism as an adult. My mum saved me from going through traumatic and horrifically anxiety inducing experiences and I am forever grateful.

As an adult, I have grown in confidence and can manage it. I might not be where I am now if I hadn't had her support.

So 100% you are doing the right thing.

As the Mum of 2 Autistic children and someone who works in Education I can see both sides of the argument.

The teenage years can be incredibly tough. For Autistic kids, all the normal day to day challenges of secondary school and puberty come with additional layers of stress and complication. I really take issue with people saying that Autistic kids need to "become more resilient". Having to get up each day and go about their lives in a school system, not to mention wider society, that is designed around NT norms takes HUGE amounts of resilience. Parents know their children best and it sounds like OP is very attuned to her DD's needs.

I will say though, I have seen many ND young people over the years go from having a couple of duvet days in a school year, to 4 or 5 days, to 10 to not coming into school at all. In some cases it doesn't stop there, and they then stop leaving the house, or even their bedrooms. Some kids may be able to self-regulate and use these days sparingly but clearly for others it does become a slippery slope. Some ND children benefit from having a formal reduced timetable (allowing them a later start for example) rather than odd days here and there.

OP, I also think that if the number off days off is increasing it's worth looking at her provision in school to make sure they are doing everything they can to meet your DD's needs. Regular movement/sensory breaks throughout the day, access to a quiet space when feeling overwhelmed, uniform exemptions, being allowed to use discrete earphones to listen to music or white noise while moving around school, access to sensory equipment or being able to leave lessons a few minutes early to avoid crowds...just a few of the reasonable adjustments that can make a difference to Autistic kids experience of school.

As the mother of a child with ASD I would say you are doing the right thing op. Having a diagnosis does not bring much support with it unfortunately but schools should be switched on enough nowadays to know about high-masking autism in girls and how it can lead to burn out. They should definitely be facilitating reasonable adjustments.

In your shoes I would be informing the school about autism in girls, bringing them the latest research papers and maybe trying to organise a seminar for the school direction and staff from an ASD awareness speaker.

Good luck. It's not an easy situation to be in. My DD was given very many negative messages by her teachers who were ignorant about the level of anxiety and sensory overload she experienced every day. You are doing the right thing protecting your DD.

It's good she can be honest with you.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 35 so when I was at school and I felt overwhelmed I used to tell my mum I didn't feel well. She used to shout that I'm always unwell and so I went to school.

Obviously in the 90s Autism and MH was less understood than it is even now.

And to @Mouswife my days off school as a kid have had no negative impact on my resilience- I have had very few sick days ever as an adult. Literally under 10 days off sick in the last 17 years of work.

We have that here and I think if it is definitely only that amount of time then it’s acceptable (if you know what I mean), but it did spiral out of control with us with my son when he had a particularly bad year and I was literally shoving him in and I think at times that helped him. Saying that if they’re wrecked, miserable and all round not great I leave them off. Ireland is a lot more relaxed than the uk though

That’s nothing- you could have 4 days off with a cold/ sickness bug and no one would think anything of it!

You've had so many good replies on here a d you're doing a great job. I do similar for my ASD/ADHD child. We agreed at the start of the school year that he has a "budget" of 3 authorised MH days for when things get too much. Just knowing he has the option and control of the situation actually helps keep him going. He knows that if he decides it really is too much, he can take a day out. He also knows that he needs to manage the days out carefully as I'll only authorise 3.

If he needs more than 3 a year, I would still let him but it would be more of a discussion and I'd involve the SEN team to fit out why he's so overwhelmed. Up to 3 times I just call in sick for him as a authorized MH day.

I think you know the answer and don’t really need all these other opinions though most are supportive anyway - it sounds like you have complete understanding of her situation and are being fully supportive and acting on her best interests as her parents . 4 days a year is not a slippery slope

Your DD sounds like mine, who is older now. I gave her days off when really needed but also let her know I could get into trouble if it goes over a several days a term so to use them wisely. That meant that she would push herself to go if she could.

I would miss school at least four times a year as a child for “sick” days that were really MH days. I was a great student and am a high functioning adult now. I had / have no diagnoses or major MH problems, but sometimes I just felt like I needed a break. As an adult, I can take a leave day or sick day when I feel like I need it. I don’t see why it shouldn’t be the same for children (within reason). British schools seem much more concerned with attendance than seems typical of other countries.

Not really sure tbh. Will she be able to do the same when she’s working? If not it might be best to work on other strategies though I admit I’ve no clue what they may be
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Your approach sounds very sensible. Support DD and let her build skills for real life.
The school should support you.
Just say DD is unwell today. No further info required .

Yes in real life employers make reasonable adjustments for neurodiversity and disabilities. They see the big picture and want to get the best out of their employees.

My son currently is off more than he’s in, school just now is massively triggering and dysregulating him as the environment isn’t right and he’s not getting the support he needs, so yes he does stay at home. I can’t build resilience in a kid I send to school to sit behind a screen all day with teachers who don’t/won’t communicate with him and don’t even notice if he leaves etc.

it’s a shit situation and he’s being assessed for specialist provision however I don’t want to stop sending him but really don’t want to damage his mental health by forcing him to go either, its hard to know what is best and it’s not something people with no experience with autistic children really can have an opinion on because they don’t live it every day, he’s v complex and it’s getting worse instead of better. All exhausted trying to juggle him and work other kids etc. this is a child with no friends with no education, it’s easy for people to say oh well it’ll become a thing etc or they need to build resilience, everyone is an expert.

Missing a week in 2 months is a lot.

I think this is a good idea- school can be hard for autistic kids. I wish I’d done this when my DD started to struggle in y8. I listened to school, who said she needed to be in school and she needed up burnt out and missed 5 months of school. She’s better now (y10) but has MH days on an ad hoc basis. So far this year she has only needed one or two, but that autonomy to manager her spoons makes a huge difference.

Thanks for making this thread because we are going to have the same dilemma in future.
Remember, the school is judged by the local authority on their absence figures (overall and persistent absence figures) so they have an incentive to employ someone to do that generically across all the children.
You are the parent so you are judged by yourself and maybe your child in future so you have an incentive to follow your family values to find a solution.
Unless you have a typical child, the two are unlikely to be the same, so you'll have to decide for yourself what to do, and listen to the school and smile and nod
It's hard but having ND children is! Take care.

Totally agree, also not everyone has the same job. I work at home all but one day of the week, and I am part time 4 days a week. And even when I'm in the office I can work in one place at a quiet desk or going to meetings with usually a handful of people.
Try asking a school to change their class sizes to less than 10 and study from home throughout most of a 4 day week and see how far you get!
School is a terrible preparation for real life if you are ND.

Mine wouldn’t. They’re pretty crap employers though tbf.

I have a DS who has 🤞 outgrown/recovered/having a respite from significant anxiety and tics.

He always had mental health days, if I sent him in his anxiety symptoms and tics would increase. He is predicted all A star at on his A levels. He is an excellent student.

Schools have to tell you “no”. Attendance predicts outcome and it’s used as a blunt instrument by ofsted to judge schools.

Trust your instincts.