To be surprised there are a lot more very anxious/fearful people out there than I thought?

[bipbopdo]

I’ve seen a few threads recently where posters seem to genuinely believe something really awful will happen to them (kidnapped/robbed/etc) if they don’t take ‘measures’. I’m relatively new to MN, so this has taken me off guard. I live in a major city and generally feel very relaxed about that sort of thing. Sure, something bad could happen, but the odds are overwhelmingly that everything will be just fine. It’s better to trust people and build soft relationships in your community than to be so scared and suspicious all the time.

AIBU for thinking this extreme anxiety/fear is very unhealthy and makes it very difficult to build a community?

I'm not that poster but everyone is wired individually, though - and even the diagnosis of anxiety will affect people differently. Trauma effects people differently.

And humans can be very contradicting.

I am very confident and hold seminars, host large events, in my role I do lots of public speaking, I interact with many different people with ease.

But I was/am diagnosed with agoraphobia (as well as c-PTSD due to childhood abuse and then a violent attack in my teens).

I'm 90% recovered from both but some core fears are now part of me.

For example, I'll be happy next month to get on a plane and speak at a conference, as I'm going with a colleague - I'd never be able to do this alone though, the anxiety would make me physically ill.

It makes no sense on paper! I can speak publicly but I can't drive to a place I haven't been to before my myself. Parking gives me horrible anxiety. I force myself, but it's tough and draining.

I'd rather speak in front of any amount of people than drive to the next town for something.

Some things I'm comfortable with, certain things I'm not.

In my case, I'm on the spectrum, so I don't know how to judge whether or not people like me and want to be friends, or if they think I'm a big weirdo and are just being polite.
Another problem I have is an excess of empathy. When I'm around a lot of people I am picking up on their emotions and it is overwhelming. Yet at the same time, I cannot work out how they feel about me. I'm also super sensitive to sensory input, such as a lot of sound and a lot of movement. It makes parties a nightmare. I have literally become physically ill from it.

Otoh, in the past I found it easy to tell when a man liked me. The sensory issues also don't come into play when I am one on one with somebody.
Now I can't tell if men like me or not, but as I have lost interest in dating, I'm okay with just bowing out.

I'm probably not average for an anxious person due to being neurodivergent, but I'm pretty sure we all have reasons why one situation may be more daunting than another.

I think a lot of people do find dating anxiety provoking, so you have lots of company there.

I think that you should just accept that you don't have an understanding of the complex human mind and human behaviour, and leave it at that. It wouldn't really be possible to answer your questions on a forum such as this, but if you google I am sure you will become better informed.

I’m still struggling with the idea that normal socialising can be more daunting than dating? Can you explain this to me because it’s just not computing for me.

OK, it's been a few years since doing any dating with the possibility of being in a romantic relationship, and perhaps how attractive etc. you feel (on the conventional scale) also has a lot to do with it, but I'd say this: you have a bad date, you don't have to see each other again. No bother. You may have 3 promising dates and then date 4, something you can't get past comes up, and you don't want to go any further. It's disappointing but this person should slide out of your headspace.

The works do, or socialising in a group or club or whatever, where you feel happy and relaxed when 3 of them are there, but then Tina's friend comes sometimes and the vibe really changes- you will be in that position again, and the way people interact with you, as well as vice-versa, does matter to you. Might get to you even if you want to try to override that sense of let down. You will have been through 'that scenario' and the way that you feel can already be kind of primed in your mind.

@Ormally

Thank you I really appreciate that answer.

This is the exact opposite of how I feel. I find group socialising easy but dating unbearably stressful so I have really struggled to understand this for years.

I remember when I was younger and single I used to be flummoxed by the numbers of shy and anxious people I met who were in long term relationships. It made me feel like something was wrong with me because I was superficially “confident” but apparently unable to attract a mate yet all these shrinking wallflowers could handle it so it must be me.

When I come on here and read posts from people with apparently happy marriages but who break out in hives at the prospect of going out to the pub once a year it still seems bizarre to me because in my brain dating is a far more anxiety inducing thing to do. But then I don’t bat an eyelid at walking into a crowded party. Just rams home how different people are.

@Thepeopleversuswork agree with that! And then I wonder whether I can 'only' do 1:1 kind of interactions and look like a right oddball whenever there's more than 2 or 3 together for more than 10 minutes - in fact, I'm sure I must do, and I can't shake that self-evaluation, so it probably becomes self-fulfilling in any case. Even though I am ok on emails, I also absolutely hate Whatsapp and Whatsapp groups, for example - and yet I also know well, that leads to being left behind, and cutting out a lot of the spontaneous socialising chances.

That's the thing with having to work at comfort zones, manners appropriate to the means (like Whatsapp or similar) and being quite self-aware at the same time whether you want to be or not. Worth doing, but I think I see why some things drain energy and worry away at me as well.

@Ormally

That's the thing with having to work at comfort zones, manners appropriate to the means (like Whatsapp or similar) and being quite self-aware at the same time whether you want to be or not. Worth doing, but I think I see why some things drain energy and worry away at me as well.

Totally. Also the COVID era brought in loads of new etiquette around how to conduct yourself on various forms of electronic communication which I find to be an absolute minefield.

Certain behaviours are deemed acceptable on email but not Teams or vice versa and people put loads of rules in place about “appropriate” management of these channels. Most of which honestly sound arbitrary and a bit crazy to me.

For example I got called out recently by a colleague for not managing my Teams status appropriately (because my status was showing as “available” but I didn’t pick up). It never occurred to me that this is something which could cause upset. It’s just another thing to worry about and it’s very draining. Personally I find face to face social interaction much easier to manage than this endless digital minefield because you can read people’s faces and voices. But obviously everyone is different and this probably doesn’t suit a ND person.