To be surprised there are a lot more very anxious/fearful people out there than I thought?

[bipbopdo]

I’ve seen a few threads recently where posters seem to genuinely believe something really awful will happen to them (kidnapped/robbed/etc) if they don’t take ‘measures’. I’m relatively new to MN, so this has taken me off guard. I live in a major city and generally feel very relaxed about that sort of thing. Sure, something bad could happen, but the odds are overwhelmingly that everything will be just fine. It’s better to trust people and build soft relationships in your community than to be so scared and suspicious all the time.

AIBU for thinking this extreme anxiety/fear is very unhealthy and makes it very difficult to build a community?

Fair enough now that you have explained more. I can totally understand your pov.

Apologies if I misread the tone of your post which is hard to judge on here sometimes.

Also it was confusing because originally you stated, "But my mental health isn’t the reason I don’t want to do these things" but in your follow-up post you put "although I didn’t specifically say it, it takes every ounce of my mental energy to get through each day" which to be fair casts everything in a bit of a different light.

If you are suffering with certain mh conditions or neuro diversity, and are at your wits end, of course you don't want anyone adding to the stresses of your already stressful day. That's totally reasonable and understandable. So again, apologies if I misunderstood.

I really appreciate such a nice reply, but you’ve got absolutely nothing to apologise for. I did say that it was because I was unfriendly, so please don’t worry. If I didn’t want anyone to comment on it, I shouldn’t have posted it 🙂

As a baseline, I’m quite unfriendly, even without the mh stuff, so I wouldn’t chat even if I was perfectly healthy. Or maybe I would, who knows?! 😁

Insightful analysis.

@Whothefuckdoesthat

It was your follow up question that was rude as fuck, along with your demand that I explain it to you and your faux apology; ‘I’m sorry if you think…’

OK so you have made the point that you think I was rude, I have apologised and you apparently don’t accept that so I am not sure how much more you want to do. I apologise again for what it’s worth but its my perspective and you still haven’t said anything to disabuse me of it by getting very offended.

I still find it a bit fishy that people who are capable of putting themselves out there enough to do enough dating to find a mate apparently can’t cope with a bit of light and occasional social activity.

It suggests to me one of several scenarios are playing out:

a) that the act of making friends is more burdensome or demanding than the act of building a new intimate relationship (which I really struggle with because I find dating FAR more stressful as do most people). OR:

b) that something has happened in the interim between meeting the spouse and the present day which has put them off socialising. OR:

c) that such people put a higher premium on being in a relationship than they do in friendship and, having moved heaven and earth to find a mate and secured the spouse they inwardly say “my work is done” and stop bothering. Which I suspect applies most of the time.

I am trying to understand which of these scenarios is closest to the truth and your answers aren’t shedding much light on this.

Which is fine but then don’t be surprised if people find the claim that all these married people who have at some point dated are now far too anxious to socialise a bit dubious.

I’m curious that the people who were able to force themselves out there, to maintain friendships, to socialise, always found it difficult but just did it till they got a partner, or if it became difficult later.

also are their partners the same.

Exactly. It just doesn’t sound plausible that they could all be capable of dating (which takes a lot of confidence and stamina) but also suffer from such severe anxiety that they can’t ever bear to go to the works do.

Understood Whothefuckdoesthat 😀

I can be a bit of a recluse when things get too much so totally get it!

I maintain friendships and I've been with my DH for 22 years. But my circle is small, very very small and I only fill my life with people I trust. I do still go out but sparingly and only when necessary. Today I went to my nephews sorts day out of necessity as him mum had to stay in work. I hated every second of it and didn't talk to anybody but I still stood and cheered him on. Some days I feeli can take on the world, others, I can't even leave my bedroom. It is what it is . I've spent most of my adult life in therapy and achieved a degree and a masters despite leaving school with zero GCSEs. I do push myself but within my own limits for most of the time and occasionally I challenge myself to step up and do something that terrifies me.

@WitchyBits How did you meet your DH though? There must have been a point in your life when you felt able to socialise with people to get to the point of building an intimate relationship.

This is what I don’t understand…

@Thepeopleversuswork

I think we’re de-railing the thread slightly so I’ll reply now, let you have the last word if you really feel you need it and then leave it there.

You definitely were rude, on several occasions, and you definitely didn’t apologise. Telling someone that you’re sorry if they feel a certain way isn’t an apology and, as such, there was nothing for me to accept or not. But I don’t want or need you to do anything more. You’d be being disingenuous and I’m not so sensitive that I need to demand an apology from a complete stranger on the internet. We won’t even remember each other’s usernames in a couple of days.

I still find it a bit fishy that people who are capable of putting themselves out there enough to do enough dating to find a mate apparently can’t cope with a bit of light and occasional social activity You can find it as fishy as you like. Nobody appointed you Chief of the Spanish Inquisition.

It suggests to me one of several scenarios are playing out: Go on then Poirot, what’s your theory? 😂

a) that the act of making friends is more burdensome or demanding than the act of building a new intimate relationship (which I really struggle with because I find dating FAR more stressful as do most people). OR: b) that something has happened in the interim between meeting the spouse and the present day which has put them off socialising. OR: c) that such people put a higher premium on being in a relationship than they do in friendship and, having moved heaven and earth to find a mate and secured the spouse they inwardly say “my work is done” and stop bothering. Which I suspect applies most of the time.
I am trying to understand which of these scenarios is closest to the truth and your answers aren’t shedding much light on this. No, that would be because I purposely haven’t given you any answers. Partly because I can only speak for myself (where none of your scenarios apply) and I think you’ll latch onto anything I say and use it to denigrate other people, and partly because you’re under the impression that it can only be a, b or c, rather than a combination, all of them or none of them. If I believed that you were asking in good faith, I’d give you my experience, but I don’t. I think you’re just waiting to say ‘Ha! I don’t believe you! I’ve caught you out, this mental health stuff is all just a ruse to get time off work’.

Which is fine but then don’t be surprised if people find the claim that all these married people who have at some point dated are now far too anxious to socialise a bit dubious I’m not worried about that. I think that people would only think that if they were a) a bit thick or b) had absolutely no understanding of mh conditions at all and felt that people should just pull their socks up and get on with it. Either way, it’s not an opinion that would trouble me.

This.

Ypu would be surprised by how many people have actually been a victim or witness to a serious crime or a terrible accident. Sometimes multiple. Some of us live in dangerous areas or have dangerous family members but don’t fool yourself - nowhere is really safe. The sense of safety and trust we have to imagine around us to go about our daily lives is largely an illusion.

@Whothefuckdoesthat

OK whatever. I have apologised and apparently that wasn’t sincere enough. My apology still stands but I’m not going to prostrate myself before you to give you a more sincere apology because you are apparently hell bent on seeing this as hostile and I can’t change this.

But you still have not answered my question other than “because mental health”.

“Because mental health” answers some questions about people’s baseline anxiety. It doesn’t explain why it’s apparently easy to maintain an intimate relationship but impossible to do a bit of casual socialising.

Thanks for raising. The truth is that social and news media organisations derive revenues from reader / user engagement. Fear and conflict drive engagement and therefore revenue. The side effect is that people are terrified - often uncessarily...

I never went to the works do because I find them a pain in the arse.

its not impossible, I just disliked it.

Haven't read the full thread but wrt the OP, lots of people tend to post on here when seeking help or advice including with anxiety.

With PTSD specifically, I'm glad you got good therapy OP. Unfortunately in much of the country, provision of any public service including effective therapy is poor and many people lack access or have very long waits for help. I'm not an expert but I understand that the longer PTSD is untreated the harder it is to treat?

And that’s fine, it’s an honest answer. You did what was required when you wanted to find a partner and once you got that, you stopped, as you don’t like it or see no value to you in it. Fair enough.

@godmum56

Thats understandable I largely find them tedious too.

But presenting these things as insurmountable due the anxiety or “being an introvert” for me falls into this bucket of medicalising normal human discomfort.

Most people find this sort of thing a pain in the arse, some more than others. Very few people love it. Most people do as much as they can cope with and leave politely without turning it into an anxiety attack.

YABU phrasing the thread title as you did, it makes it sound like anxiety is a weakness, when in fact it's a natural response to horrible behaviour.

I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound like that and also thank you for starting the thread because it will hopefully provoke positive discussion.

Living in a high crime area, as I do and so many of us do, does evil things to your mental health.

You have to be constantly on your guard.

It drags you down, no matter how positive and sunny your outlook may once have been.

Nope. I had my partner long before I started work and I didn't go hunting.

If most people find these things a pain in the arse, I wonder why they exist?

@godmum56

If most people find these things a pain in the arse, I wonder why they exist?

I can’t answer that: I didn’t invent them. I think a certain amount of social cohesion at work is a good thing and I guess they are a misguided attempt to foster that and to reward staff bla bla bla.

I think for the most part (certainly in large companies) they are usually overblown and over expensive exercises in forced fun but based on good intentions.

But while I get why people find them a PITA (I do generally) I think the extreme fear, anxiety and resentment they seem to engender is overdone and sometimes a bit performative and childish.

Unless your anxiety is so severe you can’t leave the house (in which case you shouldn’t be working at all), it costs nothing to turn up, have a couple of drinks and bugger off with good grace without turning it into an undiagnosed phobia.

You're assuming that if one has anxiety, it is at the same level in all kinds of interactions. It doesn't work that way.
I used to have low anxiety about dating and higher anxiety about socializing.
Now I have high anxiety about both.
You can't control the strength of your reaction to various stimuli, and the reactions can vary by type of stimulus and the particular circumstances around each one. For example, dating in a small town might feel safer than in a big city.

Maybe you should do some reading about anxiety to help you understand it better?

I have terrible anxiety, cPTSD, depression. I see danger everywhere. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I have little faith and trust in people. I fully expect everybody to let me down or betray me or hurt me. I believe if my front door is unlocked someone will walk in and hurt me or DS. If I don't protect myself and my child someone will hurt us. That's not my fault and I can't fix it.

I'm sorry that the fact I've been broken by the way that I've been treated my whole life is affecting your sense of "community". Its not a choice. It's a symptom that a person has been treated badly by the world around them.

@XChrome

Thank you that is really helpful. I understand that you can’t control the reactions. I’m still struggling with the idea that normal socialising can be more daunting than dating? Can you explain this to me because it’s just not computing for me.

I promise I am not being goady as a PP thinks. I am wondering if I am wired differently to other people because I found dating so terrifying I didn’t do it for years.