To be surprised there are a lot more very anxious/fearful people out there than I thought?

[bipbopdo]

I’ve seen a few threads recently where posters seem to genuinely believe something really awful will happen to them (kidnapped/robbed/etc) if they don’t take ‘measures’. I’m relatively new to MN, so this has taken me off guard. I live in a major city and generally feel very relaxed about that sort of thing. Sure, something bad could happen, but the odds are overwhelmingly that everything will be just fine. It’s better to trust people and build soft relationships in your community than to be so scared and suspicious all the time.

AIBU for thinking this extreme anxiety/fear is very unhealthy and makes it very difficult to build a community?

It's not weird to have personal preferences.
It is weird to call people weird because they're different than you in some way.

Regarding the OPs question, yes, anxiety can be a barrier to building relationships but anxious isn't often something someone chooses to be either.

The same as opinions, they are all different. There are unusually high numbers of phone avoiders and not answering the door on MN. I find it weird. You don't agree with me that's life.

I kind of feel the opposite- I've seen loads of threads where people get a really bad instinctual feeling about someone or something and then try to talk themselves out of it under the guise of not wanting to appear "rude". This applies especially to women due to the "be kind" stuff.

Eg male neighbours crossing personal boundaries and being creepy, friends taking them for granted and asking for money, first dates when the man exhibits loads of red flags etc

With regards to the not answering the door thing, thats not always about "fear", I dont answer the door due to the endless annoyance of sales people, religious canvassers, political parties, survey takers and people generally wanting me to give them money for something or another. Nothing to do with fear - they dont scare me, they just annoy the fck out of me!

We're not all the same.
That's why it's not weird if people don't all react in the same way to certain things.

I meet lots of people who seem (to me) unreasonably anxious IRL too. They obviously have their reasons, but it's such a shame that so many lives are restricted out of fear.

I'm single, live alone, travel alone and generally do lots of things alone, despite a wide circle of lovely friends. Whenever I go on an "adventure", whether it's a run in the park or an overseas trip, people's first response is always to tell me how brave I am. I'm not brave, I just refuse to let the behaviour of some men people and the small risks that brings, restrict my life.

Others will make different choices, which of course is their right, but it's seems a shame to me.

I don't get how you can lack so much empathy and understanding when you've been through therapy yourself, and it sounds like you needed it and would have been in a far worse mental state without it. Perhaps without it, in a heightened anxious state, you might ..not open your door or answer your phone often, say. We all know that anxiety presents in unpredictable different ways.

Not everyone was as lucky as you to get therapy so why not just be empathetic that we are all different and anxiety is quite common?

I don't answer the door or phone but it's not because I'm anxious, it's because I'm not very sociable. If I wanted to speak to you I would be expecting your call/knock at the door because I would have invited you. If I haven't invited you over it's because I don't want to see to you.

It might sound mean but I enjoy my own company and quiet time. I see enough people at work and those I would like to see outside of work know they don't need to knock.

In normal life I don't notice this just on here so I am hoping most of the posts on here are a tiny percentage of the real world

It’s better to trust people and build soft relationships in your community than to be so scared and suspicious all the time

No, it's not better to blindly trust people at all. Trust is something that is earnt which is as it should be. Of course, extreme debilitating anxiety is not healthy for anyone and needs addressing but trusting people you literally dont know is incredibly stupid.

There is a huge middle ground between being scared of everyone and trusting everyone you meet without appropriate evidence that they can indeed be trusted. YABU not to acknowledge that important middle ground and frankly, your post is coming across as quite superior and judgemental.

Noone should feel scared all the time but its equally foolish to just assume everyone has your best interests at heart.

This makes sense to me too, although I tend to keep my doors locked so even expected/wanted folk have to knock.

I forgot to mention earlier also, but increased anxiety can also be associated with menopausal/perimenopausal symptoms, so some of you younger folk might experience it yet!

No, I don’t think so. I was responding to something specific a PP said. I know I was very lucky to be able to access therapy with a therapist I clicked with. It worked for me in my particular circumstances. I do know everyone is different.

My OP is about how surprised I am by the amount of people who seem to be living this way, as well as how limiting it seems to be.

Whilst it's completely understandable that pps who have suffered trauma take extra precautions in life, and are generally more anxious as a result of their experiences, there is a huge swathe of teenagers and young adults growing up with anxiety who have barely experienced life other than home and school, who for example, refuse to make a phone call, or speak to someone face to face, simply bc they have grown up texting or interacting with others through screens. All DC imho should have a day a week where the phone is locked in a box and they are forced to speak to others and mingle in RL.

Thanks for this! It’s given me a lot to think about

I take the complete opposite view and trust peole until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

I'm alert to people who shouldn't be trusted and actually have high expectations, will decide someone can't be trusted for relatively minor things, but I still start from a position of trust, which I think makes for a much happier life

Ah, well I trust people once they've earnt it and am a very happy person and generally very positive about life so I dont think the two are mutually exclusive.

I think we might be coming at ‘trust’ from two different ways here. As you’ve pointed out, there are lots of different ways to trust. I agree there are lots of layers to it.

I don’t quite agree that believing that the majority of people are fundamentally good is akin to blindly trusting people. As PPs have said, it only takes a few to spoil it for the rest of us

This makes sense! It’s great that you’re making that choice for yourself. I’d say there’s a difference between actively choosing to enjoy your own company and being very anxious to the point that it’s limiting your ability to choose

I’d say I do have empathy and I’m trying to gain a better understanding. I didn’t realise how common this level of anxiety is and it does seem to be getting worse

This might sound odd but I noticed changes in my anxiety and MH when I changed my diet (for a completely unrelated reason). My theory is that sugar, inflammation and gut health affect the whole body including the brain. I rarely feel anxious now or have other MH concerns... I've since read science based articles that back this up, but like so many things unless there's money to be made it's not a route that's research/promoted.

Yep I’m sometimes that person.
I won’t list all the trauma I’ve been through in life.
We do have a ring doorbell, had one for years. I can tell you the times I’ve not bothered checking it before answering the door well- bad mistake. The last time was some random children trying to sell me popcorn. No, I don’t want to buy it, why on earth would I do that? Just so it then becomes my rubbish to dispose of?
I don’t speak to random men.
Far safer for me to not give them any green light.
Wish I’d taken my own advice and implemented my boundaries before starting a relationship with someone who turned out to be a dangerous, violent stalker.
No, experience has taught me it’s far better to be cautious.
I only speak for myself.
I have plenty of friends and family to do things with. I don’t need randomers.
Maybe it’s down to still working in person too. I don’t wfh so I’m interacting with others for long periods.
Maybe the people who seek interaction from others wfh?
Ive had my fill by the time I leave work.
I then seek peace and quiet.
I’m also of an age where it was still deemed fine to roam around as a child.
All these people criticising over cautious adults probably wrap their own dcs in cotton wool.

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and found a good equilibrium that works for you.

I do know that part of C-PTSD is sometimes having these very strong responses to certain scenarios. Learning how to manage that is really tough.

It’s not always a C-PTSD or a trauma response though. I was surprised by how much anxiety and fear there seems to be on MN. I’m trying to understand that better

Just to reiterate I think when you’ve been out to work and spent hours talking to random strangers and having to interact with them on a daily basis, the last thing you want to do when you come home is interact with random strangers.

Why are you assuming that this is always down to a fear? Like most other people, I’ve been through some crap and I have some diagnoses. But my mental health isn’t the reason I don’t want to do these things.

I often don’t answer my door if I’m not expecting anyone. There could be a dozen reasons for this but the biggest one is that my front door is for my convenience, not anyone else’s.

And I never ever want to have a random chat with a new person, unless it’s in an appropriate setting like a new colleague or we’ve just been introduced. Mostly because I’m a massive introvert but what sort of lunatic tells a complete stranger their life story? Or thinks that anyone outside their work gives a shit about the power struggle going on between Sue & Martin over the tea club? And then I’m stuck never being able to shake the buggers off the next time I see them at the bus stop and having to make conversation because they think we’re now friends (has happened four times now), or just wanting to listen to the toddler I’ve taken out for lunch without having to listen to some random man’s opinion on Toby Carvery and how it’s much superior to the club sandwich I’ve chosen (happened yesterday). Or simply because that 20 minute journey is my only chance for peace and quiet and a chance to gather my thoughts that day. I don’t care if you’re bored, buy a book. I’m not an emotional support person. Leave me alone.

I think you’re more likely to see this on online forums to be honest than in real life. There is a lot of people with social anxiety and general anxiety in here. Where they don’t wish to answer the door, the phone, don’t like going out, don’t like socialising, obsess about what they say, obsess about other people, be it other mums or their neighbours, don’t have any friends, don’t like trades in their homes, or anyone, and use online forums as their method of communicating with others.

i don’t think it means it’s hugely prevalent in real life, more if you are in this category you are more likely to be on an online forum for your social interaction.

I answer my door to strangers, and 9/10 times wish I hadn't! Always people selling stuff or trying to get me involved in a political campaign (not election related).

You can be aware of risks (eg. as posed by men) and still generally friendly and community minded. I am. It's about being aware of boundaries and firm about what you say "no" to - as PP mentioned women are so often socialised to do the opposite.

What I find really bizarre is the amount of posters who struggle with anxiety, and/or have a real "pull up the drawbridge" mentality, but still seem to have full lives, plenty of friends, partners/children. Like, how did you make/keep so many friends? Why are people still in touch if you never answer the phone or want to meet up? I've had to make a real effort to put myself out there and invest in friendships, battling anxiety, to make sure I don't end up totally isolated.

I actually know someone like this irl, and still can't work it out. Doesn't like to speak on the phone because of anxiety. At a social event (surrounded by good friends) saying she was struggling with social anxiety at that moment - which made no sense to me, if I'm feeling socially anxious I'm sure as hell too anxious to mention it and just trying to blend in and act normal! But she has plenty of friends, good, deep friendships, and an interesting career where she has to really put herself out there. (Having got to know her better, I'm sure it's not attention seeking, just it doesn't make sense how it works!)

Also, OP - a diagnosis of cPTSD and receiving therapy suggests you have had private treatment, or possibly are quite young and in a rare NHS area where trauma is taken seriously. I'm in my 30s and trauma meant being fobbed off, labelled BPD, attention seeking etc. A sadly common story, but explains why so many have had to manage things themselves.