To be surprised there are a lot more very anxious/fearful people out there than I thought?

[bipbopdo]

I’ve seen a few threads recently where posters seem to genuinely believe something really awful will happen to them (kidnapped/robbed/etc) if they don’t take ‘measures’. I’m relatively new to MN, so this has taken me off guard. I live in a major city and generally feel very relaxed about that sort of thing. Sure, something bad could happen, but the odds are overwhelmingly that everything will be just fine. It’s better to trust people and build soft relationships in your community than to be so scared and suspicious all the time.

AIBU for thinking this extreme anxiety/fear is very unhealthy and makes it very difficult to build a community?

It’s not nasty at all. It’s a perfectly valid response to the tone of the OP. ‘I’ve got cptsd and have conquered it so I am not bothered by the trivial things that bother you and do not understand why you are so suspicious when it’ll probably all be fine’. Of course people are going to take umbrage that. It implies that they are weaker than the OP for not having managed to conquer their own issues and that their concerns are silly and ridiculous.

Also, I like your username. It has popped out on a couple of threads recently and there’s a saying about people in glass houses that springs to mind.

Self-selecting crowd. Those scared of real life would rather go online – obviously not saying all online users are like this!

Also the crowd with the most extreme views (eg against men) spends the most time / posts the most prolifically on here

I laughed at the "you must be a man because you don't agree with me" – that's part of Mumsnet bingo imo (and no I'm not a man)

But how did the extroverts find you? And isn't it a bit irritating/inconsiderate for them to keep badgering you if you're acting like you don't want to be friends? Wouldn't that just make you retreat further?
I'm not trying to be argumentative, in case it comes across that way. I really want to understand cos I am also someone who'd be there for friends at 3am but struggle to make the good deep friendships you talk of (and where I have, it has started with putting myself out there at social events).

As for my friend trusting her friends enough to be able to take the mask of for a minute - that's kind of my point. If she was comfortable enough to do that, around good friends, how can she be socially anxious in that moment? I could understand if she was whispering it to one friend in a crowd of strangers, but surrounded by friends, it seems odd. Similarly with not being ashamed - I struggle with social anxiety. Take away the shame, and the self-consciousness and anxiety disappear (obviously far easier said than done!)
Makes me wonder if there are very different types of social anxiety, caused by different things. For me social anxiety is literally the opposite of feeling comfortable and confident around people, so it's impossible to feel both at the same time. Perhaps there is a different type that works differently?

I think it's partly how much imagination you have and forward thinking. Some people live very much in the moment and don't think much about what might happen in the future. Some people think about the future and all the possible things that might happen, including a lot of bad outcomes (obsessively sometimes). The rest are somewhere in between.

I encounter loads of attitudes on MN that I never see in real life. This forum is not representative of the population at large.

Is doesn't take many ounces of empthy to realise everyone is different, and what may seem inconsequential to you, could be experienced very differently by someone else.

Wow, how clever are you. No one would have known unless you had pointed it out. With exclamation marks. Although not clever enough to know how MN works. It’s a forum for opinions, asking questions etc.

It is possible, but sadly not for everybody. For example, many people who suffered CSA end up in a very bad way - addiction, suicide etc.

I am a CSA survivor and am proud of the life I have built for myself since, but aspects of trauma remain with me - despite counselling - and I have reconciled myself to the fact that they do, but that doesn't stop me living a life of relative freedom. There is a kind of mocking judgemental tone about people's anxieties on here "omg! they don't open their door" - well, how do you know what might have once happened to them when they did, or if someone was trying to get into their home while they were a child on their own? I hope that I would never have the attitude that because I have overcome much, that others should be the same.

I think there’s a pandemic of anxiety and depression that’s not being addressed. Lots of people I know are hugely anxious and seem incapable of dealing with very simple life tasks. Maybe covid had a huge part to play but also I just think the time we are living in, fixation on phones, 24 hour news and news stories that are massively sensationalised and scaremongering.

I really didn’t mean that. The only reason I mentioned my C-PTSD is in response to something specific a PP said. I was trying to show where I’m coming from. Everyone is different and I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I certainly don’t think I’ve conquered my C-PTSD. I know how tough it is to live with. It’s worth saying that not all anxiety and fear is caused by a trauma response. Other PPs have talked about things like diet, inflammation, use of language, the media, screen time, etc, so this thread has been really interesting.

My OP is specifically about my surprise at there being more people than I thought living this way. I make no judgement about how people choose to live their lives.

I think we're all anxious about different things. I personally get very anxious about some social situations or public speaking.
However, I've never been worried about walking alone late at night, walking in remote countryside alone etc. I've always done that and won't stop.

People are also having to deal with a lot. The cost of living crisis should not be underestimated. I remember hearing stories on the radio just a few months ago where people were talking about their mortgage suddenly being three times more expensive. It made me anxious just to listen to it so I had to stop. Imagine living with that fear of losing your home because you can't keep up repayments?

I'd better get off to work or my anxiety level will go sky high for fear of losing my job!

The NHS is shocking on the MH front. There’s no denying that. I’m sorry you were fobbed off. The pull up the drawbridge mentality really surprises me as well.

I’m one of those people who struggles with social anxiety while appearing very gregarious. Like you, I really have to force myself out there and when I do I kind of overcorrect. I come off as kind of loud and a little much sometimes because of it.

I don’t do either of those things, but not out of fear/anxiety.

If I’m not expecting a visitor or a parcel I won’t open my door. Unexpected visitors are rude and will not be entertained, and I’m not interesting in anyone else.

Again I don’t answer the phone because if you want to contact me you can text me and I’ll reply when I’m ready to. Obviously if I’m expecting a scheduled call, say from a medical professional, I would answer.

The majority are out living life rather than hanging out on a website. Mumsnet is a safe place for people with problems to hang out. It's useful for other reasons, obviously, but it's a great echo chamber for women with anxiety and other issues.

A couple I met through previous jobs and the friendships have endured decades through job changes, marriages, children etc. a couple I’ve known since school. A couple have been friends of friends, or girlfriends of DH’s friends etc. I wouldn’t dream of pursuing a friendship with anyone so it was them doing all the chasing (I have absolutely no idea why, I am not a delight), but no, it didn’t feel like badgering at all. They are all very funny, intelligent and interesting women and I do genuinely enjoy their company. I think they all have very strong emotional intelligence and they never seemed intrusive or too pushy. I think I might be making myself sound like a stray feral cat they’ve managed to adopt now. These aren’t new friends and although I’ve always been introverted, I have got worse with age. I’m at maximum capacity for friendships 😁

If she was comfortable enough to do that, around good friends, how can she be socially anxious in that moment? I could understand if she was whispering it to one friend in a crowd of strangers, but surrounded by friends, it seems odd. Perhaps she feels she’s chosen her friends wisely and surrounded herself with people she feels safe with. She’s masking because she wants their evening to be enjoyable and not spent worrying about her. It doesn’t mean she’s feeling relaxed or that her stomach isn’t in knots.

Similarly with not being ashamed - I struggle with social anxiety. Take away the shame, and the self-consciousness and anxiety disappear (obviously far easier said than done!) I think shame and self consciousness are so far apart for me. I’m not ashamed at all, it’s part of who I am at the moment. Take shame away and it has zero effect on the level of anxiety. I can mask the self consciousness very easily. You would never know unless I chose to tell you. It’s a well rehearsed act because my ability to pay the rent depends on it. But while you might see someone laughing and joking and engaging, I’ve spent the previous six hours being sick and trying to think of every possible excuse I can think of to get out of it. My hands are in my pocket or holding a glass or on my hip so you don’t notice them shaking. The next day is a write off because I just want to sleep. But I trust my friends enough to let them know that it’s not been easy to get myself there.

I find coping strategies quite interesting. I think it’s important to understand that people cope and manage themselves very differently, even if the feelings are the same. It would be a mistake to doubt someone because their masking is different to yours 🙂

This. Mn has a preponderance of misanthropes with poorly-managed anxiety and few social skills.

Those things may not be due to any kind of anxiety. I get fed up with people who want to buy my gold, sell me fish/double glazing, clean my patio/roof, tell me about Jesus and so on so i tend not to answer the door if I don't feel like it. Same with the phone. I don't need help to cancel my Amazon prime subscription, fix a problem on the windows laptop I don't have, or deal with making a claim over an accident that wasn't my fault so I have caller ID. I do chat to strangers and know my neighbours but again, I don't want to widen my friendship circle.

There are many autistic people - like me - on MN as digital interaction is commonly easier for us than face to face.

i believe there is a causal relationship between that fact and the sentiment you have expressed in your post; where you simply dismiss people who have a different outlook on life as “misanthropes” with few social skills

if the world is going to become less hostile place to autistic people - where I don’t have to always medicate to try to control my anxiety - then it’s attitudes like yours that need to change. We don’t have to change just to fit around what you seem to be “normal”

I really wish you understood how cold and damaging your apparent attitude can be.

I agree that some many posters are overly dramatic to try to spice their life up, but I often don't open the door only because I am busy or I can't be bothered.

If someone wants to come, rob the place and kill me, they'll just break in, they're not going to wait until I open the door 😂

I have OCD so I definitely fall under this category, and I see my own fears (which are definitely down to my OCD) mentioned a lot here, so I'm always stuck between "eh, maybe I'm not that odd for worrying about that" and "Christ, this person is just as bad as me!"

But yes, MN has opened my eyes to the fact there's much more anxiety out there than I'd originally thought, and on the one hand it can make me feel less alone, and on the other it makes me feel shit wondering if this is just how things are now and we're all just having our own MH crisis.

But I don't personally answer the door to unknown knockers because in my area it's usually either Jehovah's Witnesses or someone trying to sell me a new boiler, and I'm far too polite to just say absolutely not, so I just avoid those situations for fear of inadvertently joining a religious cult or forking out 3k

I am not surprised, perhaps partly a legacy of 2020 and 2021 when there was limited social contact. Social media does not help.

Not sure what the answers are though.

When someone sounds anxious my 1st thought is they've probably been through a lot

See, when I read or hear that (and I use those words particularly because it's never IRL it's always online) my first thought is that they're chronically online and getting in their heads about everything. Maybe I'm a horrible cynic.

But when you watch tiktoks of people bemoaning the completely normal way they were treated because "I have social anxiety!" or people who presumably know how rare it is to not be involved in criminal activity but still won't answer the door in case a stranger pushes in, it makes me roll my eyes a bit.

Whether we like it or not, a lot of people use the excuse of "anxiety" to not do things they don't want to. That then snowballs into the anxiety becoming a reality.

And PS, yes I'm a woman

I think everyone is anxious or neurotic about something, but the sources of anxiety vary.

But I do think that there’s a particular phenomenon these days about anxiety centring on other people and in particular on having to interact with people who are unknown to you or outside your circle of comfort. You see this a lot on here in the form of people becoming very exercised at the prospect of having to attend social events or spend time with anyone outside their immediate family. Badging themselves “introvert” because they are too set in their ways to try to make conversation with new people etc.

A certain degree of this is natural but nowadays it is very much indulged and pathologised as if it were a medical condition (I am excluding people with genuine neurodiversity here). In the past it was accepted as part of the social contract that you sometimes had to push through the anxiety and out of the comfort zone.

That form of anxiety does concern me because it’s profoundly self limiting and socially destructive and feeds a lot of the extreme politics we are getting.

It is an online forum therefore people that are anxious and lonely will be here more than the average Joe or Jane. The not answering the door, I have zero friends posts attest to issues. It doesn’t mean that person is lesser or awful just that they have more struggles.

Plus it’s anonymous so some people will reveal more of their true selves. That confident woman who works in the next dept over who laughs freely may be an absolute mess inside.