To be so fucking angry

[Crystallizedring]

DS had another settle at school today which was storytime with teacher. DH had to carry him in to school (frankly I'd have given up then as it was never going to go well with that start).
DS cried when DH left and stood by the door for the whole session which was 30 minutes long and DH picked up early. During his session DH talked to the head, who admitted they wouldn't be able to cope with DS very well. That he would need short sessions and long transition period.
None of this is a surprise, none of this is unexpected but I'm so angry, not with the school, but with the LA who refused to assess him for EHCP.
We are obviously challenging this but I'm just so angry. Every single professional who sees DS knows he has additional needs, every single professional has said he's going to need extra support or a special school place. How can they refuse to even assess him with so much evidence? What if they still refuse? Even if they agree to assess and put a plan in place it takes 20 weeks.
What is supposed to happen to DS in that time? How can they refuse to assess a non verbal 4 year old who is in nappies and has the emotional, social and intellectual age of a child half his age?
What are the school supposed to do when they have 29 other children to teach? We're supposed to have a meeting with school before the end of term to work out how to help DS but I don't know what they can do.
I am just so sad that DS is going to start school and be lost because the LA are too stupid to assess him.
The amount of anger I have is unhealthy. Am I being unreasonable to be so angry?

Oh no I’m so sorry to hear. Is he summerborn ie after May? Would you consider deferring his reception place if so?

When the election is over I would contact my mp. Also have you contacted your member of the council..s/he is there to represent you. Give them hell and demand they do something...local councillors really don't get used enough for these situations

You are NBU but make sure you get take your anger out on the right people here- if you keep trying to send him to school and appeal the EHCP assessment you’ll get there.

But yes it’s an absolute shit storm and has been for some time- mainstream schools being forced to take kids who can’t cope, special schools being closed and places not replaced, kids CAMHS completely overwhelmed, no ADHD meds, even assessments for things like autism and ADHD taking years, tens of councils going bust because they can’t afford to educate the SEN kids they already know about. My advice is save money to pay an education law solicitor because chances are you’ll need one at some point.

This was my thought also. Is it possible to defer admission for a year and continue with the setting he is in at the moment, for his own wellbeing. Then fight hammer and tongs to get an EHCP assessment in his current setting, so he's got one ready for 2025 admission? X

Can you keep him for another year? Use the time to fight for support?

I find starting at age four nothing short of insane for any child tbh.

YANBU @Crystallizedring
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
No parent should have to fight for these basic assistance needs

Self referral for EHCP. Our DC clearly didn't fit into mainstream schools, and after 2 different ones, the week after he went to a specialist school the change was incredible! Once you refer and experts are involved it can happen quickly, you don't need the school to do it. Best thing we ever did at age 4/5. Best of luck and please feel free to pm me. Xx

If this was my child then I’m afraid I would not be putting him in this situation.

I don’t know what the answer is but he seems scared and that would be a dreadful scenario for someone with his struggles

I have been through similar and honestly my advice is focus on the things you can change not the ones you can’t. I’ve laid awake many a nights worrying about things.

mainly through the ages of 6-10 I’ve found some sort of peace but not lasting I’m certain

good luck

When is DS 5?

Has the school applied for high needs top up funding?

If your appeal is successful it won’t be a further 20 weeks. If the LA is going to issue they must do so within 14 weeks. Where are you in the appeal process?

Just appeal. Remember you’re not trying to get the LA to change their mind. You’re getting the judge to tell the LA to apply the law correctly, the bit of law being 36(8) of the Children and Families Act.

Google “IPSEA appeal against refusal to assess.”

A significant number of LAs kick back first applications just to see if the parents have the minerals to appeal. Bastards.

What reason did the LA give for not assessing? Was your child been in nursery prior to starting school?

Could you defer him starting school? 4 is very young to start with, even without his additional issues. That might give more time to get adequate provision in place?
It doesn't seem realistic to send him this year, or fair on anyone.

I agree with this - cool that anger down to a rolling boil and use it to keep the pressure up on the people who can actually get things done. The bald fact is that there aren't enough resources for the people who are in desperate need of them, let alone those who are entitled to them. So it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. I would add this - pace yourself, because this is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have years of frustration and conflict ahead of you (sorry). Make sure you carve out some time to recharge and remind yourself that there's more to life - and more to being his mum - than being pissed about by idiots.

Have sent you a pm

Yanbu. I'm angry on your behalf, and on behalf of your son who isn't getting the help he clearly needs, and on behalf of the other children that don't are have any SEN but are affected daily by these issues. Its an absolute fucking shit show

Self refer for an ehcp and if they say no to assess take it to mediation if you lose do it again and again and again. Don't take no.

My heart breaks for you, its so difficult and everything is a battle but honestly put your foot down now and be that mum absolutely do not let them start telling you no now. Fight and fight and fight some more 💪 you've got this and so has your boy xx

Do this OP. Contact all the councillors you possibly can and also write to your local paper.

My local council has recently had to pay out thousands to several families for situations like this. I think you could also escalate to the local authority ombudsman.

Degree for a year and press for echp in the meantime

So sorry you’re going through this- the council are pretty much refusing every EHCP needs assessment days but the good news is a lot do overturn a lot at mediation and then the clock starts again-so it’s not 20 weeks from then, it’s usually 6 weeks or so between applying and getting a decision, the clock pauses and then starts again so theoretically you’re looking at 14 weeks from that -still not in time for sept though. I really wouldn’t send him to mainstream in this situation, easy to say but I know people who have kept them home until they get a sEN place. You kind of need school on your side here-it’s good they’ve seen it at its worse , they can support your decision that mainstream isn’t suitable and that will gain traction for EHCP-ask school if they can attend the mediation. It is absolutely awful but I promise you that you can get through this EHCP process and there’s light at the other side.

my sons needs aren’t as severe but we took them to mediation and won (which hopefully will show you that you can’t too), took him out of one school and held my ground but now at an amazing mainstream. I know people with needs similar to your son though who have stood their ground and got special school though

Sorry I meant you can too!

I wish I'd sorted the EHCP out earlier instead of putting my two through the hell of mainstream school. It's really knocked my daughter's confidence and her self esteem is on the floor. She's literally in counselling for this very reason.

If you take him out of school, like I did, you will find you're a lone, vulnerable voice battling to be heard. Schools usually like to have 2 full terms with your child before they make a referral. If they won't, do it yourself. The only problem with that is though, even if the LA were to issue an EHCP, if your son is in a mainstream school, they'll do everything to keep him there with offers of funding and a TA. Then you will have another battle in attempting to get him into a specialist setting, assuming that's needed.

Another thing, most services don't like to diagnose before year 2.

Good luck. You'll be made to jump through many hoops. The system is an absolute shit show.

The LGO can’t look at the LA’s refusal to assess because OP’s right to challenge that is via SENDIST.

OP, you don’t need a solicitor and if money is tight you should always prioritise independent assessments. So save your money in case you need to appeal again further down the line (you won’t need independent assessments for the refusal to assess appeal, it sounds like you will be able to collate enough evidence from people who are already involved/previously involved).

Are you in a position to be able to home educate him? I wouldn’t be able to leave my child in that situation, it’s heartbreaking.

You could spend time fighting the LA or you could just spend your time with him, witnessing him learning things and making sense of the world with him.

There is loads of help and advice out there about home education, I’ve been at it for 12 years. Lots of SEN children find it a blessing as you tailor it to their needs and abilities. Worth considering in your situation. Good luck OP

I don't really want to defer him for a year. Nursery have been amazing and they did EHCP for him but he has massively regressed since being in preschool (this isn't their fault) so I'm wary of leaving him there for another year and we can't really afford it.
I'm more than happy to keep him home but I've been told it'll be easier to get the EHCP with school support. I obviously don't want my DS to suffer.

Oh darling. I’ve no expertise but gut instinct tells me no, of course you aren't. I’m so sorry.