To be so fucking angry

[Crystallizedring]

DS had another settle at school today which was storytime with teacher. DH had to carry him in to school (frankly I'd have given up then as it was never going to go well with that start).
DS cried when DH left and stood by the door for the whole session which was 30 minutes long and DH picked up early. During his session DH talked to the head, who admitted they wouldn't be able to cope with DS very well. That he would need short sessions and long transition period.
None of this is a surprise, none of this is unexpected but I'm so angry, not with the school, but with the LA who refused to assess him for EHCP.
We are obviously challenging this but I'm just so angry. Every single professional who sees DS knows he has additional needs, every single professional has said he's going to need extra support or a special school place. How can they refuse to even assess him with so much evidence? What if they still refuse? Even if they agree to assess and put a plan in place it takes 20 weeks.
What is supposed to happen to DS in that time? How can they refuse to assess a non verbal 4 year old who is in nappies and has the emotional, social and intellectual age of a child half his age?
What are the school supposed to do when they have 29 other children to teach? We're supposed to have a meeting with school before the end of term to work out how to help DS but I don't know what they can do.
I am just so sad that DS is going to start school and be lost because the LA are too stupid to assess him.
The amount of anger I have is unhealthy. Am I being unreasonable to be so angry?

There is a great account on TikTok called The autism adventure. A wonderfully eloquent man who posts about this life with his son. I know he advises families and has been fighting to advocate for his son.
Join and have a look.

I'm sorry they are trying to shove your gorgeous child into this school which is clearly not appropriate.
I'm angry as well. You have every right to be fuming.

Agree that an EHCP can be a poisoned challis. There is a way they are ‘supposed’ to work, but there is not sufficient funding to ensure they work that way/incompetence etc.

I’m fully expecting the same attempt at exclusion when he changes school at KS2.
It’s impossible to speak to his case worker, emails are never answered.

Primary school governor here . Firstly ( and frustratingly for schools ) it’s not unusual for children to turn up at primary school when they clearly need an EHCP . This is especially frustrating when it takes so long to put one in place and schools budgets are limited . once school is involved they will get the ball rolling .

I think it’s also worth you making an appointment with the SENDCo to chat through stuff before term ends . difficult doesn’t mean impossible . There are a range of strategies that can be employed . Given your son has an EHCP already - even if it needs to be updated - he is already in the system . At our school there is an option when you ring in to leave a message for the SENDCo but otherwise go through the school office .

. at our school we still try and ensure we meet the needs of these children even without the formal EHCP . I have to say some schools are much better than others at providing the best environment for children with additional needs. Some schools near us are famously unwelcoming because it does cost schools financially and can impact SATS league tables

good luck .

Bit late for that as it's already been done and refused. OP needs to appeal.

Once you have a new mp later this week absolutely contact them.

Ehcp can name the school which is best for the child which is super helpful for admissions etc.

Hope you get help soon op 💐

@Summerpigeon

That’s a lovely post. This is exactly what is making me angry. The EHCP process and ASD diagnosis is casting a huge cloud of negativity, exclusion, rejection, misunderstanding, being labelled ‘atypical’ : over my child who is beautiful, unique and generally very happy (until we all try to squash him in to a world where adults decide what is normal).
He loves bubbles, lining up cars, stacking bricks, running in a field : and tbh I think his world is much better than the one I’m trying to fit him into. I’d rather live in his world.

So sorry you are going through this OP.
My step daughter went through the same with her son, but the LA wouldn't help before the school agreed they couldn't cater for his needs, he was there for 1 week before they could no longer cater for him, and he was then put onto a waiting list for a school that could cater for him and his additional need.

It was a stressful time, but it all worked out in the end and he is in a fantastic school now and thriving, hang in there.

Genuine question.
Even with a EHCP in place, is it still possible that a school genuinely still could accommodate a child with complex needs? Can schools be forced to accept a child?
I really wish the best for your son @Crystallizedring but still think he's possibly just too young for school, bearing in mind his age/the age you said he is functioning at.
Are there any special schools within travelling distance? Would that be more realistic for him?
Sorry if any of these questions are naive, I'm honestly just trying to think what is the most realistic plan for him, and those around him, to thrive.

It sounds like forcing your child into school is traumatizing him. The LA are really bad but in the short term you have to stop forcing your poor child into school of that is what's happening to him when he's there.

If you are planning to not send him in don’t take him off the register. As long as he is on their register they will be trying to find solutions. A lot of schools have unofficial units based in school funded by EHCP money from other students. Ask around and find out if there is anything. The EHCP system means they have to show they’ve tried everything, sometimes non attendance will mean an EHCP is rejected which is a catch 22. I’m angry on your behalf.

Not if it’s our la they won’t, assessments are currently taking over 52 weeks, they were in special needs jungle hall of shame, they just ignore the pre action letters from ipsea now, there’s very little you can do about it that doesn’t also tske a long time. Plus the wait for appeal is now about 10 months

You need an ehcp for special school, the la have even turned down assessment of his needs so he hasn’t even been assessed for an ehcp never mind been awarded one stating special school required

You would be better starting another thread in the SN section and getting fab help from the wise MN'ers there.

I'm sorry but you do sound quite clueless. You are going to have to wise up very quickly, play the game and contact everybody that needs contacting. and take notes and follow things up with email and chase and chase because the whole system is very hard work but you really need to wise up and play the game.

Make an appointment to see the GP. apply for the EHCP yourself. Immediately. make an appointment to see the head and the senco. get all your paperwork and everything from the nursery that you need.

you need to utilise everybody you can, chase and chase and chase again and again, you're never gonna get anywhere unless you treat this as though you were an investigator or a cop and dealing with a case.

This sounds so stressful for you. It is a disgrace how SEN children are treated in this country. It’s unfair on the pupil, the parents and the teachers. I’m sorry I have no useful advice - I would go back to GP as a first port of call.

Are you still within the appeal window?

Just to throw in that if you decide to apply for an EHCP yourself, have a look at SENDIASS and IPSEA as these are both organisations that can advise on the process and your rights. There’s also a local Facebook group for my area full of very savvy and helpful parents who have already been down this road - if you search EHCP + [your county/local authority], you might find something similar. Good luck.

Sorry to make this political but under Labour we had an almighty battle to secure a specialist school for my younger brother. This has been going on for decades.

Apparently they are often rejected and you just need to appeal.

keep fighting for the Ehcp.

what have school offered to help? We have a number of children with similar needs to your son in our early years department, we are helping some of them fight for specialist provision because really that’s what the need to thrive.

Some things that have helped are individual transition sessions so they have the classroom to themselves with their parent and a teacher/support staff member close by but taking lead from the parent. This could even start outside at first if heading in is too much.

Social stories to help with understanding the classroom.

very slow transition building up only when he ready, even if he just goes in for half an hour a day at first.

it’s not easy but with a school that wants to make it work hopefully you can get him happy going.

good luck.

You are not in the slightest bit unreasonable.

This is a marathon and unfortunately you are likely to have a version of this battle for support and inclusion throughout DC's education.

Find your tribe locally and compare notes on local services/schools, find supportive professionals and make sure they document DC's needs, take up training offers and other resources from IPSEA and SOS SEN, read the SEND Code of Practice 2015 and EHRC Equality Act 2010 Technical Guidance for Schools, familiarise yourself with school and LA complaints processes. Look after yourself and try and pace yourself - this is gruelling and soul destroying but you, and thousands of parents like you, will/do prevail. Requires digging deep, which is a huge ask when you are already supporting a disabled child.

IPSEA is your friend. It’s a legal charity exclusively helping parents get the right support for their SEND children. I’ve been through this and had to fight every step myself. You can do it! But make sure you are getting the right advice, and sadly that means ignoring most of what schools/LA say and getting independent advice.

The EHCP application process is a nightmare!

Most people who have ehcps for their children have had to go through the appeals around assessment and tribunal around award route. In my county 60% which are refused at assessment are granted at tribunal. If they offer mediation take it, and show them a video of your sons needs.

If they haven’t already ask the school to put their concerns in writing and send it in as additional evidence for the ehcp.

You don’t have to send your child in September if you don’t have an EHCP. One option would be to try and defer a year. Another option is to call in sick each day with “anxiety because you can’t meet his needs” putting that in writing. You’ll get an attendance officer who will then write in support of the EHCP

It's what the la's do, they always refuse and hope the parents don't appeal. We had refuse to assess, refuse to issue. It took 3 years to get the ehcp. All one big delay tactic for them and just a continuing hell for us. It never gets better. I say this as someone who went to my mp, he did nothing and I also went to the papers, that made no difference.
You have to appeal their decision to not assess, you are almost certain to win. For now you have choices whether you continue the battle to get him into school or you defer. My regret is that I didn't do the latter. The sen journey is excruciating.

Keep him at home and self refer for the ehcp. Contact your local sendiass I think they are a national charity that support families with send. Contact your council send ops department and speak to them and ask if their area inclusion officer can call you. If all of that fails can you afford to pay a company like sunshine support to help. As a parent of a sen child who is older than yours. Knowing what I know now (mine didn’t have a diagnosis when younger) I wouldn’t send him. Definitely wait until everything is in place. Also contact your gp and ask for a paed referral. Contact everyone stamp your feet quietly and stand your ground. I did and it got there eventually.

Hi OP,

I've just got an EHCP for my son but I had to kick up hell to do it.

I think you need to start using strong language and plenty of it.

I’d argue they are stupid. They’re part of a stupid system, yes.

I know plenty of LAs that fun extortionate private school fees as they don’t have their own special schools, not for children with extreme complex needs mind you! They then also fund transport from miles away.

They also award EHCPs to the families with the best lawyers. They need to fight for the children who really need it.