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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it

103 replies

Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:06

My mum has been controlled by my dad her whole life. She was scared to do anything and we always had to be on eggshells around him. She still puts him on a pedestal. I feel angry at her as I always wanted them to divorce as I felt neglected as a child and unloved as she did everything to keep him happy. I to this day feel resentful and disconnected from her and feel as though she wants me to be close with her but I just can’t and don’t want to. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:08

I don’t feel like I loved them or her at all.

OP posts:
manchestermadness · 01/07/2024 20:10

I think you need to breathe a bit and realise that your mum is most likely going through abuse. She probably doesn’t realise. Your dad has probably controlled her for so long she can’t imagine it any other way. Please just have a bit of compassion. I know on the outside looking in it’s easy for you to see what your dad is doing, but a lot of people going through this don’t even realise.

Have a bit of sympathy x

Sorry you’re going through this too

Original poster
Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:12

manchestermadness · 01/07/2024 20:10

I think you need to breathe a bit and realise that your mum is most likely going through abuse. She probably doesn’t realise. Your dad has probably controlled her for so long she can’t imagine it any other way. Please just have a bit of compassion. I know on the outside looking in it’s easy for you to see what your dad is doing, but a lot of people going through this don’t even realise.

Have a bit of sympathy x

Sorry you’re going through this too

I think she always knew, as she’d say things like no one would put up with a man like that but me, he shouldn’t have had kids etc etc

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 01/07/2024 20:12

The whole point about being controlled is that you have no free will. That's why abused people stay with their abuser for so long.

Instead of being angry at the one who was controlled, try being angry at the one who did the controlling, your father.

SixFifteens · 01/07/2024 20:14

Your mum is the victim of abuse. Why is it you are angry at her, rather than your Dad? Lots of abuse victims feel unable to leave, it would also have been a lot harder in her day than it is to leave these days.
Im sorry this has meant you have had an awful upbringing, but your dad is the one to blame by the sounds of it. Your poor DM has had an awful life. Have you looked into accessing counselling to help you deal with these feelings? So sorry you have had to grow up in that way Flowers

BobbyBiscuits · 01/07/2024 20:15

She's an abuse victim, and lacked the capacity to stand up to him. I hope you can try and see her as someone who deserves support and sympathy, even though she made these choices.
You should confront your dad about his behaviour towards your DM.

Original poster
Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:16

@BobbyBiscuits there wouldn’t be any point in confronting it as he’d say I was crazy and/or deny it all.

OP posts:
Bumblingbee101 · 01/07/2024 20:17

It's a difficult situation OP but although your mum might say the odd thing her reality is the fear of leaving and making sure you were ultimately safe. Her whole life hasn't been full of joy and happiness... she probably loves you more than you think but while you felt ignored she was probably trying to keep things calm to keep you from harm. I would suggest some therapy and some time with your mum who sounds like she needs a massive hug as do you. Take it easy OP.

BifurBofurBombur · 01/07/2024 20:18

Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:16

@BobbyBiscuits there wouldn’t be any point in confronting it as he’d say I was crazy and/or deny it all.

Are you close to your dad?

Original poster
Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:18

I just feel like I hate her and that she almost became like him as the years went on, self obsessed and absorbed and very selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:18

BifurBofurBombur · 01/07/2024 20:18

Are you close to your dad?

Show quote history

No

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 01/07/2024 20:21

@Grannyzz that is horrible. He sounds like an arsehole. Is there any way you can just keep the channels open with your mum just to keep an eye on her? If she won't leave him at least be there at a distance. But I know how awful and frustrating it must be for you.

manchestermadness · 01/07/2024 20:21

Grannyzz · 01/07/2024 20:18

I just feel like I hate her and that she almost became like him as the years went on, self obsessed and absorbed and very selfish.

Have you actually sat down with your mum and told her how you feel?

You said in your first OP she walks around egg shells around your dad and can’t do anything. I think your mindset about this is all wrong (sorry) I know it’s hard…

Do you hate that your mum puts up with your dad? Or is there something else?

Bearybasket · 01/07/2024 20:22

I think it’s just all round a horrible, shitty situation and I’m sorry you had to go through it.
Your mum was a victim too and maybe she shouldn’t be the focus of your anger but you’re not wrong to be angry and upset that none of the adults in your life protected you the way they should have done

manchestermadness · 01/07/2024 20:23

Sometimes being honest is best. Tell her as it is. Mum I think you’re being controlled and it’s affected our relationship becuase of x y z.

You said there’s no point talking to your dad, but personally if I did want a relationship with my mum and genuinely cared about her well being. I’d absolutely say something. Even if nothing happens. He knows that there’s eyes watching him…

Desertislandparadise · 01/07/2024 20:24

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. It's like dealing with an addict. Sure, we can intellectually understand that they have a disease, but that doesn't take away the anger at being let down again and again.

You mum wasn't able to keep you emotionally and/or physically safe as a child As a consequence, you don't feel close to her. That is normal.

You can feel compassion for her and understand that she is a victim of abuse, but that does not mean you have to be close to her. You are allowed to keep your distance for your own reasons.

As for your dad I hope you stay far away from him.

Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2024 20:24

I understand how you feel OP. My mum died suddenly and left complete chaos behind because of her toxic and dysfunctional relationship with my stepdad.

Nearly 30 years on I’m not sure I’ll ever stop being angry with her for making such poor choices over and over.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2024 20:25

I understand and it's horrible to live with even as an adult you still have the affects. BTW she doesn't put him on pedestal because she thinks he's great she does it because he demanded it and its now just stuck. I'm sorry you went through a shitty time, he abused his family and he doesn't care.

Gymmum82 · 01/07/2024 20:26

One of my closest friends was in a coercive controlling marriage for over 20 years. She is clever and successful but it still took years for her to find the strength and courage to leave and even now she has she still fears for her safety.
Your mum is a victim, try and have some compassion rather than anger. Your dad is to blame and your mum likely cannot see a way out

Crazycatlady79 · 01/07/2024 20:27

Your poor Mum.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2024 20:28

I meant to say you can have any relationship you want with her you don't have to .pretend you are close.

Desertislandparadise · 01/07/2024 20:31

AutumnFroglets · 01/07/2024 20:12

The whole point about being controlled is that you have no free will. That's why abused people stay with their abuser for so long.

Instead of being angry at the one who was controlled, try being angry at the one who did the controlling, your father.

Ok, the dad is obviously the one ultimately at fault, but the fact remains that the mum has not put her daughter first.

In a previous post I compared it to an addiction. If her mum was an alcoholic and didn't keep her safe as a child, do you think the op would be right to feel the way she does?

Skybluepinky · 01/07/2024 20:33

U r angry at the wrong person, ur anger should be aimed at ur dad, ur mum is a victim.

Peacelily001 · 01/07/2024 20:37

Lots of posters here feeling sorry for OP’s mum, but she let her down terribly.
Sorry you went through this OP, and I don’t think I could be as kind towards her as some posters are suggesting.
She had an element of choice, but as a child you had none.

OnceICaughtACold · 01/07/2024 20:42

I think you can simultaneously have compassion for your mum as a victim and intense anger at her not protecting you when you were a child.

You don’t have to have a close relationship with her now. The impact your childhood had on you is real.

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