He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it

[Grannyzz]

My mum has been controlled by my dad her whole life. She was scared to do anything and we always had to be on eggshells around him. She still puts him on a pedestal. I feel angry at her as I always wanted them to divorce as I felt neglected as a child and unloved as she did everything to keep him happy. I to this day feel resentful and disconnected from her and feel as though she wants me to be close with her but I just can’t and don’t want to. Aibu?

But based on your analogy, it was the father force feeding alcohol to his alcoholic wife. So the father the controller is at fault.

She expects us to be close and it’s as though she tries to force it.

I see it more as the dad is the alcohol. The mum is vulnerable to him (as all alcoholics are to alcohol) and so can't put down the bottle.

In any case, what I'm trying to say is that I think it's completely reasonable for the OP to want space or even to cut contact. She had a terrible upbringing due to her abusive dad and had to watch her mum go along with it.

Her mum deserves support, yes, but not necessarily from her daughter. If I were the op I would encourage my mum to seek help from women's aid and then back away for my own mental wellbeing.

I'm sorry OP, sounds like things were very hard for you. You weren't protected as you should have been and it sounds like your needs were neglected. I understand your anger. It must also be hard to watch your parent's relationship. It's a very difficult situation. Abusive relationships often make no sense and can be very complex but your needs are important here. Have you had any counselling? I can only suggest you distance yourself from them and focus on recovery.

I'm sorry, op, that sounds very difficult. Would you consider tackling things head on? There seems to be a lot of unspoken tension - maybe if you told her exactly how you view your childhood it could clear the air? At least make you feel more in control with your boundaries clearly voiced. Wishing you all the best.

So why blame your mum the? He's the one who caused it. She is the victim who never found the strength to break free.
There wasn't a resource like mumsnet in those days to support and encourage her to leave him.
You think you've had it bad. Imagine how she's felt all these years

I hear you OP. People can talk about your mum being a victim but I was also in your situation and the truth is, I despise my mum for her weakness. My whole childhood was shit and my mum plays the victim even now. Nothing was/is ever her "fault" and so she has nothing to apologise for in her mind.

I've been in an abusive relationship (probably due to my upbringing) and yes it was hard to leave but I did it for my kids. Why couldn't she?

I have a theory why men who grow with up with domestic abuse, often become abusive themselves. It's because they had no respect for their mum. And if a man doesn't respect his mum, how will he ever respect a partner? I don't respect my mum. My grandparents offered to help her, pay for an apartment for us all near them etc. She said no.

Do what's best for you OP. You don't have to feel sorry for her.

@DancingLions whats strange is he loved his mum and had a lot of respect for her.

Wow, I don't understand your mindset at all. The op was a child. She deserved a safe and happy childhood and this was stolen from her. She definitely "had it bad" and in my opinion child abuse will always be worse than spousal abuse. A child has no agency at all and their whole future can be destroyed by an abusive upbringing.

I'm honestly beginning to wonder about some of the posters defending the mum and telling OP she shouldn't be angry. Have they been in the position of the mum and so are feeling defensive?

Either way, op, your feelings are completely valid. Perhaps seek counselling if you want strategies to deal with things, but whatever you choose you are not the one at fault here.

Because we are often angry at those who are meant to take care of us, nuture us and keep us safe and warm.

A child cannot understand "He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it" because all the child see's is, she didnt take care of me. This is not a reflection on the OP its a how life is.

Have you ever tried therapy to help with your thoughts around it all?

You can control your own boundaries. You can’t force her to change. But you can decide what you will do. Whether that’s a telephone call once a week or once a year, a visit, whatever you want the relationship to look like.

It's understandable that you're angry. You deserved to be safe and loved as a child and you weren't. Your parents both let you down.

But in attributing blame and understanding your mum's position, it might help to remember that even 20-30 years ago our culture was much less child-centric and much more male-centric. There was an unspoken acceptance amongst many families that men should be pandered to and their needs and feelings put first, even ahead of children's. The continued prevelance of abusive men nowadays and the excuses many people make for them show that we haven't entirely moved away from this, although some progress has been made and normal, right-minded people now accept that children should come first.

Maybe your mum couldn't do anything.

But it may also be that she found comfort in being controlled. There are people who do and seek out controlling relationships. They never work out their own issues.

People are complicated.

But what you need to do is control your own situation. You can't do much about your parents, and nothing about the past. You do control your own response, how you live your life. You may be able to talk to your mum about it, you may or may not get a response you like. You may never be able to be close to your mum.

It is what it is, but you can't let it determine you. We tend to repeat the patterns we see in our parents if we aren't careful.

People are taught that it's victim blaming and very wrong to consider that the abused person in these situations has any fault.

Sometimes it is true of course. I knew a woman who was terribly controlled by a physically abusive husband, the underlying trouble was she was very slow intellectually. Possibly should have been in care but it was marginal, and had never been picked up in her youth. Or maybe she became worse over time, I don't know. She did leave in the end with the help of a social worker but it was very late in the game.

I've also known women to stay when they were afraid of the husband having custody of the kids alone.

But of course there are also other situations - codependent relationships, where there are drugs involved. My own grandmother didn't leave when her kids were young because she was ashamed. Those things are understandable, but that doesn't mean there is no culpability. We are all subject to being selfish, or not brave enough, etc, when we ought to be. Minimizing the effect on kids, maybe, due to fear.

It's not wrong for the kids in these situations to say that.

There's a chance your mum did everything to keep him happy as a way of keeping you safe. Controlling men are a risk to the children as much as their partner.
I think you need to try and work through this, of possible through open discussion with your mum or maybe consider therapy. Carrying around resentment is no good for anyone. There will be a day your mum isn't around and it may be after that when you realise what she went through and have some empathy for her. If that does happen you are going to go from years of resentment to years of regret.
I grew up in a similar situation and I also felt a lot of anger towards my mum when I was younger. I now feel nothing but empathy and appreciation that she kept me safe and met my physical needs despite going through hell herself. There are still times I feel guilty for misplacing my anger with her when the only person in the wrong was my dad.

Your dad caused all this, not your mum. Is it just easier being mad with her?

OP had an appalling childhood ,she was let down by her parents and suffered harm that had stayed with her.
You deserved and needed love protection and nurturing.Youre not to blame for having complicated feelings about your mum .

Not speaking up and being silent really is hard.Especially if your mum has expectations about closeness now.

If you want to talk honestly to her what have you got to lose ?

For what it’s worth OP I think you sound like. Brave , kind person .But it’s not your responsibility to nurture your mum xxx

Your feelings are completely valid op. Your mother was a victim but she was an adult who made her choices. You suffered emotional neglect as a child with absolutely no agency or support.

I hope other women who are placating abusive partners read this thread, as a testimony of how damaging it is on children. And the damage lasts a lifetime.

I think so many women are drifting in shitty relationships and they believe the kids are fine with it so they defend the OP’s mum’s position.

I disagree with the Mum being blameless.
Yes she was a victim but once she had a child then she should have put them first.

I understand why you feel let down by both parents OP.

I know. I was that child. But I was also physically,sexually and emotionally abused. At some point in your life you have to come to terms with it and realise that some women will stay with their abusive partner for all sorts of reasons.

My mum did leave in the end, but guess what? My father got custody of us.
My mother who thought she was keeping us safe by taking us and leaving lost custody because she had the audacity to leave her husband. That's the way it used to be.
I didn't see her again until I was an adult.

Your mother says your father shouldn't have had children. I think the same of her. If someone doesn't have the strength to get out of an abusive relationship they definitely should not drag poor innocent kids into their cesspool to suffer along with them.

Take a big step back, you don't have to be there for someone who wasn't there for you. I don't believe in love your parents no matter what.

Sometimes when you’re in the situation, you don’t realise.