He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it

[Grannyzz]

My mum has been controlled by my dad her whole life. She was scared to do anything and we always had to be on eggshells around him. She still puts him on a pedestal. I feel angry at her as I always wanted them to divorce as I felt neglected as a child and unloved as she did everything to keep him happy. I to this day feel resentful and disconnected from her and feel as though she wants me to be close with her but I just can’t and don’t want to. Aibu?

As the child in this scenario, I am going to go against popular view and tell you that you have every right to feel angry and upset with your mum. She did not protect you from a life that was full of control and abuse.
i always hear a lot of “you need to be understanding” views, but in reality a child should be protected by their parents and your mother failed to protect you from your families abuser. I would distance off altogether if this was me, as I couldn’t get past her lack of compassion and care for you as a child, she doesn’t get to demand this now for herself just because you are grown.

As posted above I’m in a similar situation but I feel it’s too late too make a difference - my mother simply won’t accept that the choices she made affected us, only that she was a victim. I’m trying to establish some boundaries and take a step away from her for my own sanity but she’s not making it easy, maybe because I’ve never said anything before. I know she won’t change so I have to but how can I get her to accept that?

OP apologies for high jacking but hopefully this is relevant to you too.

Even 30 years ago, "staying for the kids" was a very strong, ingrained message

Sorry, I have to disagree with this. I left my abusive partner in 1991. I went to a women's refuge. Social services were involved etc. There was loads of support. If anything, it was probably easier than it is now because there wasn't so much pressure on social housing. I think I spent about 4 months in the refuge before being allocated a lovely 3 bed house. God knows how long it takes nowadays, if you can even get housed at all. In fact it's probably a struggle to even get a refuge place now, whereas I got one instantly. They helped me sort out benefits, got my DC into nursery, I got grants for the new place etc.

In terms of "society" there was a pretty good awareness of DV and people were generally very understanding and sympathetic.

The one area I would say where it was harder back then, was in terms of not being taken seriously by police. I wasn't helped by them at all. In fact one time they arrested him, for threatening myself and our new born child with a knife. The following morning they let him out at 6am telling him "give her time to calm down and go home". They were bloody useless.

But there was support out there and it was reasonably well known of, or I'd never have heard about it.