He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it

[Grannyzz]

My mum has been controlled by my dad her whole life. She was scared to do anything and we always had to be on eggshells around him. She still puts him on a pedestal. I feel angry at her as I always wanted them to divorce as I felt neglected as a child and unloved as she did everything to keep him happy. I to this day feel resentful and disconnected from her and feel as though she wants me to be close with her but I just can’t and don’t want to. Aibu?

I must admit, many people talk about how things have never been the same since the loss of their parents and I'm another one who honestly doesn't miss my late parents at all.

All the people saying “she’s an abuse victim” are missing the point that the op is also abuse victim. I had the same experience as you, op, look after yourself in whatever way you can x

I have been the abused mum and I have been the child of an abusive parent and I don't agree with all the posters saying you shouldn't be feeling anger. It was her job to protect you and she didn't. The reason she didn't, while horrible, doesn't negate or change what you went through. Compassion has an important place here, but if you are angry that is a valid feeling in relation to what you went through and you shouldn't be expected to bury that and feel differently. No one here has been through your childhood, no one knows what you experienced. In my grown up in a family with a history of abuse going back generations compassion might come later, for now you feel angry and it is ok to feel like that.

I found a way out, not everyone is so lucky, but if my children (currently primary age) come to me one day and say they are angry or feeling any other emotion about that part of their childhood I certainly won't try and negate their experience and expect them to feel compassion. Infact I'd tell them how sorry I am. Women in abusive relationships might feel as if they have zero choices, but the children trapped in those situations actually do have zero choices. Strangely if you go onto most of the threads on here written by women experiencing abuse you will see posters saying things like that about the children in these relationships and how their Mum's have to protect them, yet on here you being told something very different.

Drandthemedics · Today 11:07
All the people saying “she’s an abuse victim” are missing the point that the op is also abuse victim.

Exactly. Abused and neglected children are made to feel responsible for their parents when they are kids, they don't need anyone to keep telling them the same thing as adults.

It sounds like Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

This will not happen but even if they said sorry I wouldn’t forgive them. It’s too late for that.

They were so selfish. All those years I wished I had different parents, a different life. I always felt jealous of other kids. It’s made me a bitter person now.

@DancingLions this doesn't particularly surprise me

You might find this book helpful. Author points out that domestic abuse is a choice by the perpetrator, abusers often have good relationships with their own sister, mother etc

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=56954102087&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Bo9etq3pUcZp2YCcdzNjGgdpoifVKaY2EoIGpq-HvPVw7sANGiFJgk2V0c3g2xJdRsTzPsUDKC6U9iEyhjd_cYa_5sdVLylP50IQySf6zSRIxi_C7e6ZJijUppunDVHoDzM3dmleOnMnqzHEn5A3_dou_NrIIPMF3IxT1Et0TmOB8wswoS6IP0rAyld9dnG8Lj78pfqcXn6Ood2WdY56CtSTaSnXari07Qz_FMAtPKg.kiYNcu9OYyG3Ey4qz-0Nv-TM1pjhwjGBLOARn5purLg&dib_tag=se&hvadid=259059439667&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9046895&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=11933414699587050024&hvtargid=kwd-298737952027&hydadcr=24405_1748889&keywords=why+does+he+do+that&qid=1719915824&sr=8-1

Your mum let you down. She can hardly expect you to be close to her!

This has really resonated with me.
OP i was in a similar situation to you.
Until I became a parent I think I had a sort of Stockholm syndrome and went along with it.
I don’t now. I realise how toxic a lot of my childhood was. I was fed and minimally clothed, but I was in a pretty toxic environment. And I only see my parents twice a year now, at their request

YABU for not understanding that because your mother is a long term victim of abuse, her ability to see or change things is probably low to nonexistent.

YANBU for saying that nonetheless, you need to do what is best for you and because your dad's abuse made your mum less able to be a good parent, you are choosing not to have a relationship with her.

Absolutely this. I felt so much anger towards my mum for staying with my dad when he abused us both. But like this comment says, I was a child and didn't have a choice whereas she did. She had family support and could have left him if she wanted. It affected our relationship in my early 20s but I've reached a point of understanding now. I hope you managed to find a bit of peace OP x

Both your parents have let you down OP. You've every right to feel anger. And you can't force a relationship with DM just because that's what she wants. She's showing just as much selfishness now as she's always done; she's thinking of herself and wanting a relationship with you without even thinking that you may not because of your childhood.

I had a similar upbringing and I've always minimised it by thinking 'oh most people brought up in the 70's/early 80's suffered similar from their parents' but I'm currently having counselling for all the shit I went through and have opened up to friends (all similar ages) and ALL of them have said 'nah, didn't have that when I was growing up'. So the whole of my childhood was pretty shit but I thought it was 'normal'.

I feel so fucking sad about that. All down to the fact that my DM put herself first in 'believing in her marriage vows' and 'wives don't leave their husbands'. It was all for appearances sake because the shame that a divorce would bring or because it would have been 'too difficult' to leave.

Agree so much with the Mum being a victim of abuse isn't something the OP needs to overcome as it wasn't her fault.

Sadly I've witnessed this and lived it also. Mothers may be abused. But if the children aren't protected by them and removed from a harmful situation, then who will? My own mother carried this behaviour right into her 50s and I drew the line when I realised she wasn't capable of change and it put my own children's safety on the line. Not once could she ever say I can chose to not put up with this. This involved multiple men, situations and people. So it wasn't isolated to a "one abuser" situation. It was very much driven by HER behaviour and choices. What she would ignore, lie about and justify as acceptable.

Children are vulnerable with absolutely no agency or choices. Abused mothers are vulnerable but CAN make choices and many do.

What you are feeling OP is completely normal given BOTH parents failed you. Just in different ways.

Don't be told it's not ok to hold the feelings you do.

Her poor child.

A child should never have to suffer because of their parents' actions and choices.

It isn’t the support that is the difference for many. As we can see from MN, despite all of the support available now that wasn’t there 30+ years ago, many women continue to stay in abusive relationships and many children continue to be traumatised.

So etimes it makes you question whether it even was abuse, if that makes sense.

OP I completely get it, my mum was abused by a partner not my dad but the situation was/is very similar - she chose to stay and while she obviously suffered herself she also allowed us to.

I brushed it under the carpet for many years but my dad died recently and it’s made me face up to how much it has affected my life. I’m sorry she had to go through it but allowing us to experience it as well is unforgivable, I literally couldn’t do it to my kids.

But she can’t see she did anything wrong and actually thinks we’re really close, I’m constantly amazed at her lack of self awareness combined with the need for everything to be about her.

OP you are so not being unreasonable - do what it takes to deal with this and stop it affecting your life any more than it has to.

God this resonates so much with me!

I'm not reading all the comments. You are absolutely fine to have any feelings about your mother. She's not absolved of responsibility just because she was in an abusive relationship. She obviously knew she was and chose to stay. She let you down. They both did. You don't have to fake any feelings. It's the consequence of choices they both made.

The thing is is that if she can convince herself that you're close then her staying was the right thing as it obviously didn't affect you. You refusing to do that means that she has to accept her role in your abuse but she convinced herself staying "for the kids " was best, so the idea that her lack of action affected you is something she cannot accept.

She needs you to prove her right as she simply doesn't want to consider the alternative.

I think this is the nub of the matter.

Her insisting that the relationship is close, negates any need to reflect and take any responsibility for the fact she was party to the abuse of her child by standing by and allowing it to happen.

When children refuse to play ball in this, it challenges this.
Surprisingly so many women carry on with their denial....right to their death bed.

Oh op. I can relate. I do love my parents. They both have been very good to me and my sister but my dad was definitely abusive and now that he's severely disabled and suffers from dementia he is still abusive and she is stuck caring for him. I get so mad at her for not standing up to him but after a lifetime of being abused maybe it is not possible. Sadly, because he never hit her, she thinks he isn't that bad.

Funnily enough my mum has also become very self absorbed and selfish. The only people she seems to care about or wish well are my sister and me and our kids. She has very little empathy for anyone else. She wasn't like that when I was a child. I think years of abuse do that to you.

Are you sure she was scared/controlled though? I’m very much passive as in I leave people to it and half try to keep the peace/ have just can’t be bothered. My parents used to think one of my friends was too pushy and me too quiet but it was just my personality. In the same way with my dh I shrug some things away, nothing big, but in the future it could be misconstrued. I could be totally wrong in your case and sorry if I am but it’s just something to think about

Even 30 years ago, "staying for the kids" was a very strong, ingrained message. You still see women in 2024 being told this.

Leaving your dad would have meant leaving you unsupervised for 50%of the time, at least, plus living in poverty and without a support network.

Yes, you are allowed to be angry. Your mum was at fault too. But it's your dad who was the horrible one and your mum's choices were not made in a vacuum. You can be angry while also having some compassion for the rotten hand she was dealt with.

I divorced exH in 2019, no kids, in our 30s. I lost almost ALL my friends. ExH was controlling, emotionally abusive and starting to be physically abusive, but somehow my millennial and highly educated friends thought I should have tried harder to make it work and told me I'm too feisty and argumentative maybe. It opened my eyes to how misogynistic our culture still is. And my ExH only revealed his abusive side once we were married and trying for a baby - I had an abortion and left. Thank god.

Your mum would have been under immense pressure to stay.

Absolutely. It's heartbreaking.