He controlled her and she didn’t do anything about it

[Grannyzz]

My mum has been controlled by my dad her whole life. She was scared to do anything and we always had to be on eggshells around him. She still puts him on a pedestal. I feel angry at her as I always wanted them to divorce as I felt neglected as a child and unloved as she did everything to keep him happy. I to this day feel resentful and disconnected from her and feel as though she wants me to be close with her but I just can’t and don’t want to. Aibu?

Agreed!

Look at how many women get trapped in abusive relationships, their confidence taken away along with their financial independence and each and every one of them is a victim

Blame the person whose fault it actually is not the victims

Yes many mothers do manage to get out by focusing on their children - but not all ( not everyone can pass maths a level either ) - many get killed before they get out - not everyone has the same ability and support networks

You are both victims

@Grannyzz my mum was controlled by my dad, I never hated her, it was my father that was controlling her who I despised. I loved the bones of my mother. She was simply two afraid of any repercussions if she in any way acted against his words and actions

In reality he was the narcissistic bully who had come from an insecure upbringing - I am not using this as an excuse for his behaviour, she should have walked years ago.

YANBU, you have every right to feel the way you do. I was in an abusive relationship with my DS's father and at some point you have to put your children first. I fled to a hostel with DS eventually.

How dare anyone tell OP who to be angry with? She grew up in that house, you didn't.

I've had so many well meaning people over the years telling me to be kinder to my mum, but they only know her side of things. I lived it, and I have eyes and ears.

I am close to my mum now, in fact we never fell out really. But we're not as close as she would like. Well that's tough, actions speak louder than words.

I disagree with most here. Yes her mum was a victim but she was an adult with agency. The op was a child with no choice. My mum was terribly abused by my stepdad, until she committed suicide as she couldn't deal with it anymore. It destroyed my life growing up like that and I have to fight so so hard just to be normal ish for my son. Its awful the impact this leaves. I lived so many years feeling like I couldn't be angry because she was dead. But now as a parent I can no longer see it the way I used to. I work through it now in counselling and the way I view it is- I loved her, she had many lovely qualities, she was a victim too, but I am angry. Very angry. I think you can love someone but also be incredibly hurt, traumatised and angry. Ops mother had the adult capacity to leave. Her fundamental role as a mother was to protect her child. She did not do this. There is no way to explain the levels of damage this does to a child. It's is a mothers most basic instinct. So when the mother doesn't do this, it leaves the child feeling unworthy, scared, unloved, unsafe with the people meant to protect her from the world. It leaves a mark you can never erase.

Op, its OK to be angry

Respectfully, I don't think comparing who has it worse is helpful.

I am so sorry you were abused as a child. You deserved much much better. You seem to have built a relationship with your mum since then (perhaps easier not to be angry at her when she clearly tried to do something about the situation?). That is your decision and completely valid.

The OP also grew up in an abusive household. She also deserved much better. She doesn't want to be close to her mum. That is her decision and completely valid.

Going against the grain, while your mum is a victim, that doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to feel the way you do. It is not your fault she was abused. You don’t have to use that as an excuse not to feel upset and hurt and betrayed and neglected.
You were hurt by her decisions and choices even if those decisions and choices were borne out of abuse, that doesn’t mean you aren’t impacted.
You can see her as a victim and feel sorry for her but don’t discount your real and valid feelings.

OP, I grew up in a very similar household (with a side order of my mum also being subservient to my brothers, one of whom is also abusive).

ignore those that think you owe your mum compassion. Your priority is you and your emotions. Your mum didn’t put you first and you need to do that for yourself.

Therapy could be really helpful to get to a place of acceptance, where it doesn’t weigh on you constantly. In all honesty, I think it’s the best you can get to in a situation like this. My mum also wants a close relationship with me and it’s just too emotionally exhausting for me so it’s not happening- sometimes people need to accept the consequences of their actions, even if they were also harmed by the situation.

OP, put space between your mother and you.
Look at getting some counselling.
She put herself first and still does.
She doesn't get to foist a close relationship on you now simply because she wants it.

You don't owe either of your parents a relationship with you.
People like you who go very low contact or no contact often find peace.

I'm with you, OP. You have two parents who were equally responsible for your wellbeing, and both failed to protect you from harm.

Yes, your mum was a victim of an abusive relationship, but she was also a perpetrator/accomplice of the abuse you suffered. She let you down. She failed you. You don't need to empathise or sympathise with her (there are plenty of people here who will downplay the part she played in your abuse 🙄), you have every right to be angry.

Sorry but "her day" was probably the '90s - '00s
I left my abuser in 1994.
My mum got divorced in 1978
Don't be ridiculous.

While there still are many reasons it can be hard to leave an abuser. I doubt this happened in the 1950s.

I actually recall her one time telling me my dad never really loved me, I have this vague memory and we were both crying. After he’d done something but I can’t remember what.

@Grannyzz it sounds traumatic and I don't think you owe your mother anything yes he was abusive towards your family your mother probably couldn't see a way out, but I you need to look after yourself.

I haven built a relationship with my mum.I've seen her once in the last 50 years.
What I'm trying to say is that its much easier for an abused wife to leave her husband these days. 30 years ago things were very different

That's abusive. My mum did this, I'm sure there's a modern term for it. Oh isn't he awful to both of us, we're poor things aren't we. No acknowledgement of the maturity or power difference between a married woman and a child.

Yanbu, there were 2 awful parents in your life. MANY women choose to leave and put their kids first in far worse situations. Your mother CHOSE to put a man first and is still doing so. Both parents are equally responsible and accountable for providing a healthy and safe childhood and both failed. I would think it's too late now, especially as she still sees herself as doing no wrong.

This

I had a similar kind of upbringing and I get what you mean, OP. I did love my Mum was I was little but I didn't love her as I grew older. I did replace it with quite a lot of pity, and a sense of duty when she got older and after my abusive dad died.

Your mum can bloody whistle if she thinks you're going to play make believe that your family is all nice nicey, but maybe a way through it is to have some pity and that's all you can offer? I don't know but best wishes however you choose to negotiate your current relationship with your mum.

@DancingLions I had much the same experience as you. My parents are no longer together, but it's not because my mother finally saw sense and left him, it's because he left my mother for another woman when I was 21. He wasn't an alcoholic, he just used to threaten my mother with leaving if he didn't get his own way. My mother didn't want to give up the lifestyle/money of an ex pat and have to get a job.

What makes it even better is my mother blames ME for him doing so - I made him 'feel old' by getting married, so that's why he had the affair and left her. She's said this to my face many times in the 35 years since it happened. Ignoring the fact that my father was unfaithful to her for most of their marriage...

My whole childhood was shit and my mum plays the victim even now. Nothing was/is ever her "fault" and so she has nothing to apologise for in her mind.

Exactly how my mother is now. For the sake of my mental health I moved to the other side of the world 30 years ago. I've only seen her twice since. I've been no contact with my father for 35 years. They were shit parents and I owe them NOTHING.

I meant to add, my Mum was of that generation who saw divorce as a failure and a disgrace. She never really worked much and was pretty useless and feeble really although not stupid. To be fair, years ago there wasn't the support for victims of abuse in the way that there is these days. But then again she wouldn't have admitted that she was abused, anyway.

This is EXACTLY my mum. She won’t admit anything either and still believes it’s not her fault and she has no part to play in it.
when I was little I THINK I did love her but that has faded since I’ve gotten older!

Your mum still has responsibility for the way she treated you in my opinion. Your father’s behaviour isn’t her fault but her behaviour is. I don’t agree she is just a victim in this situation- op was the child.

@Grannyzz It was only when my MIL died when I was 42 and I saw how upset my husband was that I realised I didn't love either of my parents. I'd spent years feeling sorry for my mother after my father left, but after learning that my maternal grandmother and uncle had repeatedly offered practical and financial help for her to get away from my father, and the fact that she blames me for him leaving her, soon eroded that pity.

A few years after I was kicked out I tried to keep the relationship with my mum going because I thought she was the victim of my dads behaviour.
It turned out it was not that simple. It wasn't just him.

My parents didn't love me, they were in an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship, and I don't love them. I didn't need to forgive and forget, I needed to remember, and learn how to be a better parent myself.