To envy friends with older children

[Noisytrain]

I know this would sound silly but I have started to envy my friends who have older children than ours.
For context, I am currently pregnant and have a 2 yo DS. I just turned 35 and had my first one at 31. I have friends who are late thirties but their DC are going to start secondary school this year and another one in primary school. I envy them because it feels like they have easy lives with bit more time as DC are bit independent now while I am still going to be looking after toddler and newborn. Most days I am utterly exhausted and massively regret not having DC earlier in late 20s but then again I wasn't even sure until 30 if we wanted any DC. Overall I have a decent life with helpful DH and adorable DC who I going through terrible 2s, though we have no family to support us with childcare etc, which makes it quite hard but I should just get on and accept my reality in life and carry on I guess.

I know how you feel. Remember though, they went through the slog you're going through now, they're just the other side of it and you will be too one day!

Every age is difficult. It never gets easier, just that their needs change.

Honestly 35 Is young still. And the friends with older kids just went through the same as you just because they were younger doesn't mean they had it any easier.

Having friends with older kids is really useful - you get to find out about places to go / things to do when yours are older, info on schools, parenting pitfalls. Plus it's great for your DC to socialise with kids of different ages. Each age / stage has it's own challenges. The early years grind is hard but think how much you would have resented it if you weren't ready for it, and all the things you did on your 20s which you couldn't have otherwise done.

Everyone with older kids has gone through the stage you are at. It's hard work but you just need to suck it up.

I had mine in my early 20s, mid 30s now and it is easier. However, no matter what age you have them, the first few years are tough going.

Well, I had DS at 39 and thee-quarters, and from my POV, other people wasted their 20s and 30s raising small children. They possibly pity me for having a 12 year old at 51. Swings and roundabouts.

Just remember they've already been where you are and come out the other side.

You've got 3-5 years until theyre both at school and they will feel a lot more independent then the baby / toddler stage!

I have these thoughts too OP but I use them to remind myself that I'll be at their stage soon enough and what I might miss about this stage - ie try to really soak in their cuteness - kiss their little cheeks and write down the funny/bizarre things they say. Obviously that's easier to do on some days than others depending on how much they're tantrumming, waking me up at night etc

I am 40 with a 17 & 14 year old.
Firstly, I have been through everything you are going through now, they don't magically get to their teens without some serious parenting happening!
Secondly, others may disagree but we don't really get loads of time independent of the kids. Their needs change but are still there. For example I'm not changing nappies but instead I am doing three hour round trips after work for their hobbies or listening for hours to the latest friendship drama.
Should I be envious of the childfree 23 year olds out there having a blast whilst I was raising my children? We all have to choose our timing and there are advantages and disadvantages whatever age you have your children.

If I had had my children when I was younger, I might have had more energy but I wouldn’t have had my career or finances that I did when I first got pregnant. I’m pretty sure I would have found things much more stressful by not being able to throw money at solutions to help me through it.

When your friends were going through that slog they probably weren't as financially secure as you probably are and probably looked at you and your free and spontaneous life with envy. The grass ist always greener.

I had DD at 23, shes going into year 10 soon, she's great company and no bother but what I wouldn't give for one of those hugs where they go all floppy on you as you carry them. Parks and zoos are things of the past. Going to Disney and the look on her face when she met the Princesses etc all things you are still to experience and you forget about the tiring tough bits. In place of those things we get to go to the cinema, theatre to watch more interesting, grown up shows. In fact fewer cinema trips for me altogether as she goes with her friends and goes out for Costa. Messy events eating out have been replaced with posher meals and good conversation etc. Those long hard to fill Sundays are filled with match fixtures and travelling round the county. In some ways I've got loads of free time now but no idea how to fill it.

Having older DC doesn't necessarily mean your friends are having an easier time. Some DC turn into absolutely horrendous teens and the worry and sleepness nights that causes is much worse as you don't have the same element of control any more. Only one of my three was like this thank goodness. Now all are grown up and the nightmare one is now a responsible and good DH and DF running his own very successful business.
Just hang in there, every stage of having DC has its tribulations but also great joy.

We've all gone through your stage. The other ages are equally as hard for different reasons. My 16 year old needs me far more emotionally now than he ever did when he was younger. It doesn't get easier it just changes.

I'm 46 with a DS6 and DD3. I absolutely don't envy my friends with teens. I wish I could freeze time so they could stay this age forever.
They are amazing, delightful, so much fun to be with. Yesterday we went to London for a day trip! Seeing their little faces light up with amazement at seeing the Palace, Big Ben, and Tower Bridge, and then watching a West End Show totally captivated. I find children at this age just perfect.

And all those with older kids have been where you are.

You are currently in the trenches and sometimes acknowledging it but thinking 'This too shall pass' is the only way to cope. As they get older you start to really like them as people in their own right, not just an extension of you, dc you have to work on and keep alive. The day you want to hang out with them, just as they reject you, is a turning point. You have all that to look forward to.

I was mid 20's and feel like I have been wishing my life away for the past two decades and rushing them and my life through to the 'next stage'. I am 45 with a 21, 16 and 13 year old and always wanted to be a mother and have enjoyed it (I can't believe I am saying that!) - whilst the parenting responsibilities are still there, the grinding, relentless tiredness of pregnancy and toddlerdom is rock HARD, and I am glad it is over but it's a blur that I wish I could remember more of. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to press fast forward too much and to soak it in more. I think regret and envy is just a facet of life, it's okay to feel the feeling then move on, like you said in your OP.

My experience was that teen years were the hardest of all!

But as someone who's had children in her early twenties and late thirties. You have so much more energy in your twenties

I don't think any is easier.

They prob wish their kids were little.

My daughters are 12 and 14 and I can't cope!!!

But I understand

I do understand how you feel but older children may be physically easier but mentally it’s really hard. My “kids” are 25, 17 and 18 and apart from the issues with college, exams, and general teenage stress with the younger two I spend 99% of my time worrying about them.

I'm 44 and my kids range from 16 - 28. I also have grandchildren.

Yes, I did my college/uni a later later than others and yes, I could be richer but having minimal responsibilities is great. I haven't done a school run in years, I don't have to worry about childcare or babysitters, there's no worrying about needing to be in at any particular time. It's great.

Hi,
I'm 40, my eldest has just finished college and is now looking into work. My youngest is about to start secondary school in September. You have to remember that even those friends with older kids, have gone through everything you're going through now. I must admit, I'm loving the extra freedom I have now, but still putting a lot of support in for my two. My eldest, I've been supporting him with his CV, sending him jobs to apply for etc. My youngest, I sat with him every night to help him with his SATS now supporting him to be a little bit more independent before secondary school. Enjoy every minute, you will get there.

I had mine in my early and mid thirties. I’m so glad I got to enjoy my twenties.
My childhood and teen years were not good.

You realise your kids will grow up?? I don’t understand. You didn’t have your kids in your 20s because you didn’t want them, so it’s a good job you didn’t. You can’t go back. The babies and toddlers will be gone before you know it.