To envy friends with older children

[Noisytrain]

I know this would sound silly but I have started to envy my friends who have older children than ours.
For context, I am currently pregnant and have a 2 yo DS. I just turned 35 and had my first one at 31. I have friends who are late thirties but their DC are going to start secondary school this year and another one in primary school. I envy them because it feels like they have easy lives with bit more time as DC are bit independent now while I am still going to be looking after toddler and newborn. Most days I am utterly exhausted and massively regret not having DC earlier in late 20s but then again I wasn't even sure until 30 if we wanted any DC. Overall I have a decent life with helpful DH and adorable DC who I going through terrible 2s, though we have no family to support us with childcare etc, which makes it quite hard but I should just get on and accept my reality in life and carry on I guess.

This time is extraordinarily difficult, even more so if you have little or no family support and it's totally normal to feel like your relationship is failing as a result.

In the perfect world, proper communication is the answer here, and the agreement to do your best to help each other. soestimes I'd suck up the night time stuff for longer than I'd like to help him, but he would regularly get up at 5am to start his day as he could have DS for hours while I caught up on a little sleep.

I'm 32 and have a 13 year old, doesn't mean it wasn't hard in my early 20s. There was some days I'd be falling asleep stood up making bottles.

Surely they had the same slog when their children were younger and they’ve now come out the other side? Could you look at it in a better way that it won’t always be this hard?

Oh my goodness I so wish DD15 was still little! Not the toddler stage but around the middle of primary school. She was (still is) beyond stubborn but just so sweet & funny at that age. I was the best Mum in the world. I know the teenage years can be tough but DH & I have been nearly broken 😞

The days are long but the years are short. Be careful what you wish for. Seems no time at all since mine were little and yet now they're in 6th form and uni. Many things are easier. Many more things are much much harder. And I really miss having little kids 😢
It's easier said than done but try to enjoy the stage you're in. And anything that is challenging, just remember 'it's just a phase' and it will pass.

Once you have kids you are a parent for ever more. By having kids older you get more time with less responsibilities. However YANBU to feel tired and find things tough. YANBU to wish life was a bit easier right now.

I remember days when I felt like my two would never grow out of the toddler/baby age (it seemed to last forever!), but then the years since have flown by.

Embrace that time when they are little. I’m now really struggling with the fact it feels like my children no longer ‘need’ me (I know they do, it’s just not the same). I loved having cuddles, and snuggling up in bed when they were scared. Now I’m lucky just to get an eye roll and a grunt from my youngest (13yrs old) 😁!

Having dc in early 40s so older than you! 30s are more common now, but most of my friends had theirs in 20s or early 30s. I remember the days they couldn't meet up as much and now shoe is on other foot. Xx

What you have to focus on is that if you’d had your children earlier, they wouldn’t be the same children you’ve got now!

YABU the teenage year are far harder in my opinion! Enjoy 😂

Not everyone who has their children young are careerless. I had my first at 22, but spent a lot of time beforehand travelling. I have built my career up over the years, own my own house and had my 2nd child at 29.

I am now 40 and my eldest is 18 and we have an amazing relationship. We go to gigs together, the two of us and as a family, he will still come on holiday and days out with us and even comes to the gym with me. Grant it we go in different directions at the gym as he's more into his weight training than I am, but I feel blessed to have a fab relationship with him. I have a well paid career, 3 years left on our mortgage, a fab relationship with ds2 and still with my OH 20 years later. Everyone's timeline is different.

Don't envy them. They cause a LOT more stress and worry at secondary age than they ever did when they were little!! Physically less tiring, mentally MORE tiring!
I'd love to have little ones again 😁

It's not a waste though. I actually grew u with my elder kids and TBH feel you are more flexible when younger as you haven't been conditioned to expect a certain lifestyle etc.

I'm now 52. Mine are 32 29 and nearly 21. I've had plenty of freedom for a few years now. I spent at least 4 months each year travelling.

For me it's preferable to slogging through my 20s and 30s to achieve the " detached house and mc lifestyle" before having kids at knocking on 40. And then you are in your 60s before they off your hands which brings higher risk of health issues stopping you do stuff

I would take the 2yo tbh. My 17yo is having a lot of drama with his girlfriend just now. We don't know what's happening one minute to the next.

A 2yo is less stressful!

All stages are different. I particularly liked 4 to about 10/11 because they are more independent, but still want to spend time with you and usually enjoy life. Yes teens are less exhausting but there is a lot of truth in the saying that the older they get the bigger their problems are - and the less scope you have for solving them. Plus I was an older parent than you and, though I relished my 20s, my 30s were not such fun, longing to be a parent for many years.

But it sounds like it's your relationship that is getting you down as much as anything. Is your partner not an active parent? Or do they disagree with you over parenting methods? As parents you become much more dependent on each other (both can't easily go out and do their own thing etc), so it can start feeling like life is a chore without any time for yourself. And that is magnified if you aren't working as a team.

I'm in the same same situation as you, and totally agree with all of it.

Don’t. I’m not one of those parents who insists parents should ‘treasure every moment’ because it’s tough to be in the trenches of caring for young children. But I can guarantee you for every parent like you feeling envious of parents of older children with more freedoms, there is a parent of an older child dreaming of the days when their kids were tiny! Every stage has its own challenges. My nearly ten year old hormonal mess of a pre-teen is testament to that God love her….

As a mum of 17 year olds I can say that yes it gets easier in the fact that they are independent and can look after themselves however the older they get the worry and stress shifts to a different sort of place honestly you will soon get some time back to yourself but honestly the amount of times I say to my two I miss you being little is ridiculous because for so long I wanted them to grow up and now they have and it’s terrifying if I’m honest because they can go out on their own please just enjoy them whilst they are little because you will blink and they’ll be grown up I know it’s exhausting but repetitive day in day out but it will get better 🍀OP

I dont think you should dismiss the possibility of you could be suffering from burnout. Child rearing is such hands on intense and tiring. It dies not make a lot of difference to what age your children are to getting ' an easy life'. What youre saying is HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME,!!!!!!!!!! As they get older they grow into themselves and start questioning You!!!!! That in itself is very challenging. Its easy when theyre babies and toddlers. Believe me when I say BLINK and then theyre grown up and Gone!!!!!!!! And you hardly ever see them. Its the biggest shock how quick it all flashes by. I know you think they will as always be by your side but they wont and then youre left alone or with your spouse wishing for one day of life with a newborn again ( bliss) 🥲..Thats why I have a Baby Doll or Two.

Thats funny I used the BLINK analogy.

I get it and YANBU but when their DC were younger they were probably jealous of you being child free. They have been where you are.

It doesn't feel like it now, but one day that will be you sitting on a rug gassing with a friend whilst yours are off playing. And then you'll look around at the others who are chasing toddlers and remember....

I remember 'the trenches' and am so pleased to be in 'no man's land' before we hit full on 'teenage warfare'

The ones with primary age now will have smelly uncommunicative emotionally draining teens just as yours enter their prime.

Just hang in there - it's worth it I promise

After having a hard time with my child recently I spent time wishing back to the days of being small when they needed me and the biggest stress we had was being forced through another episode of peppa pig. Such a happy and easy baby. There maybe people around you who wish they were in your shoes.

Most mums on here will understand where you're coming from. It's no joke having young kids. But you will one day look back and miss these days. You won't believe that now but I promise you will. That day will be here before you know it. I have one starting high school and one older primary age and they sit in their rooms playing computer games and call me 'Bruh'. I'd give anything for them to sneak into my bed in the middle of the night one last time. That is something I never thought I'd miss. You'll get there. But you'll miss the babies.

I was 22 when I had my DD12, it was still hard work believe me! And honestly don't think them going into secondary school is any better either, because I now have an almost teenager who's crying because she has spots, worried she's fat and goes in a mood because I won't take her to expensive concerts of singers I've never heard of 🤣 Enjoy this time of them being little, it soon flies by (even if it doesn't feel like it!)