To envy friends with older children

[Noisytrain]

I know this would sound silly but I have started to envy my friends who have older children than ours.
For context, I am currently pregnant and have a 2 yo DS. I just turned 35 and had my first one at 31. I have friends who are late thirties but their DC are going to start secondary school this year and another one in primary school. I envy them because it feels like they have easy lives with bit more time as DC are bit independent now while I am still going to be looking after toddler and newborn. Most days I am utterly exhausted and massively regret not having DC earlier in late 20s but then again I wasn't even sure until 30 if we wanted any DC. Overall I have a decent life with helpful DH and adorable DC who I going through terrible 2s, though we have no family to support us with childcare etc, which makes it quite hard but I should just get on and accept my reality in life and carry on I guess.

I have it easy now, as they get older they have more problems.

I am at your friends stage and I would love to go back to the baby and toddler days. Much easier than trying to work out teens tbh!
All stages have their challenges.

I am 44 and my youngest has just left high school. I've spent the last 22 years raising children and in delighted to be at the very end of it all. No more uniforms etc. not tied to school holidays. Delighted!! But I do feel sorry for a few of my old school friends, they are at the very beginning and some friends are still trying to conceive their first at 42 yo and I can't imagine anything worse.

Op, things will get easierfor you.

You'll miss it when it's gone and you have teenagers to deal with.

Same! I'm trying to pick my battles as they say. Today's dilemma ..let her live like a pig in its sty or tell her to get off that bloody phone? 🤔🤣

The time will disappear and you will wish to have it all back.

But presumably some of them think you wasted your 20s and 30s raising children when you could have been having childfree fun.

Oh yes how we just didn't know that having to play with the dolls and watching kids tv on loop would be the time of our lives compared to teen life.🤣🤣🤣
Op i promise you we don't have it good.. you should be laughing at us losing our minds. Sending love. ❤️

I understand what you mean @Noisytrain but I’m 2 years ahead of you - I have a 3.5 yo and 1.5 yo. All my friends have 4yo and 6+ yo (so my eldest is the same as their youngest).

I see it gets easier, but also I know my youngest is my last and really do cherish the time more than I did first time round. Easy to say when he hasn’t hit the terrible 2s yet tho 🤣

I feel the opposite. I feel so sad at the passing of time and whilst I love my kids at every age and love seeing the people they are growing into, I also mourn the baby/ toddler days too and miss all the versions of them.

I found the baby / toddler stages much much easier than the challenges they face as they get older; although appreciate it’s less ‘physical’ once they don’t need carrying and breastfeeding etc.

We also have no help and found it much harder without the breaks that those who have more support enjoy but then at the same time realise it means we had as much time as possible to enjoy our kids so there is an upside to doing it all yourself.

I don’t think you can compare your situation to others and just savour each day you get to enjoy with your children; we never know how many of them we will each get.

Well you will get there too eventually and then you'll probably feel nostalgic about when they were young,

Whereas I am the opposite and would have hated to lose my youth to being a parent. Getting somewhere with my career, having carefree fun, buying property, having financial security and feeling happy that I achieved what I wanted meant prioritising that over having children at 22.

If I’d had children then, it would be a much drearier future ahead of me now as I’d never catch up with my career or savings. I’d hate it.

I’m 44 with a 4yo (hard come by!)

I worry about being too old to run after him and dying before he’s grown up. But I love the floppy cuddles someone upthread talked about and appreciate being his mum every minute because of how long I waited for him.

Seems everyone is fighting their own battles.

I’ve had those thoughts but honestly now my youngest is 3 I feel so sad she’s at the end of being ‘little’. After you have kids you’ll never feel as young and carefree again. I do feel glad I spent my 20s and early 30s living life for just me and travelling the world and doing things that are best done when young!

I felt like that. I remember when I couldn't even go to the loo by myself without kids hanging off me - I looked out the window and saw my neighbours going off for walk, leaving their teenage kids at home. I was sooo envious! The freedom! They could actually do something without their children glued to them.
Now I have a teenager and an almost teenager. Yes it's easier in many ways. Yes I can do stuff without the kids. But it's hard in other ways. My teenager basically locks herself away at home and doesn't tell me anything. I think my existence is highly irritating to her! I soooo miss the days when she'd tell me everything about her day and hug me and actually seem to really love me! And there's all the worry that comes with teenagers - alcohol, boys, exams etc.

I get it. Practically from the day my children were born I wanted them to be older. I'm not going to lie, I do enjoy it a lot more now (notwithstanding the endless lifts, the whining about chores and what feels like a never-ending series of calls from DS' school....).

But trust me, it's fine. You will get through it, taking the good bits where you can, and then you come out the other side.

I had my first at 35 and 2nd at 37. I felt more equipped emotionally and yes financially to become a parent at that age.
I remember these years as tough but still enjoyable as the good times outweighed the bad. Juggling work, nursery, no free time , but also fun times and happiness at seeing DS's growth and enjoyment. Even holidays could be tough to plan and organise but once there all would be good. I remember thinking, this really isnt a holiday! These times, though it doesn't seem like it at the time pass, so quickly , cherish it.
Of course it isnt 24hr flowers and butterflies, there were tears, puke, lack of sleep, dilemmas at school etc and emotional support etc . That is parenthood.
Every age brings it challenges , mine are older teens now and they still need support and my time. I am grateful they still seem to enjoy spending time with me and will talk to me if they need guidance. I think the tough years have been paid off but no doubt as they get older I will still be needed from time to time. It won't be long till they fly the nest but I know parenthood doesn't cease when they walk out the door. My parents were there for me until their dying day and I will do same for them.

YABU, you do know your kids will grow up to? Stop wishing their lives away, and be grateful for what you have.

Im 46 with ds7 and ds8 and I too do not envy friends with older kids. I feel so lucky to have my young kids at my age. Keeps me young!

It's tiring when they're little but the teenage years are very tough and stressful in my opinion. I'd rather they were little again

Thanks for the perspective from the other side. It really helps to see what other challenges come with different ages.

They probably envy you, coz they're going thru the door-slamming, stropping, grunting, muddy sports kit phase!

@FuzzyStripes

I really don't see it as losing my youth. I had kids when I was fit enough to run around after them. We still purchased a property albeit in the north west where property prices are reasonable. We still travelled all over Europe with our kids. I'm in a very lucky position now, my dh is 16 years older than me and retires in 5 years. Our plan is to rent out the property and go travelling for as long as we can. I will have enough credits for a full state pension in the future . Maybe buy a motor home and travel wherever we fancy . I can supplement our income with a laptop and digital nomad visa and work part time while we travel, we don't need a huge amount to live on. I'm exhausted now, the idea of sleepless nights now makes me feel sick. But I know it's a very personal thing, each to their own.

I’m 38 and mine are 12 and 9. It’s definitely easier than the baby and toddler age although I would like to go back to it for just one day for some lovely cute cuddles. Only the one day mind 😂

it doesn’t feel like it when you have toddlers but it honestly flies. I can’t believe my eldest is almost a teen. Before you know it your toddler will be in reception, then the juniors, then high school.

I do know how you feel though. I remember it well. Everyone with older kids has been through that slog and it really is exhausting at times

I am feeling more and more exhausted day by day and after having children we have been arguing a lot as well which makes the day feel like one big slog. I just don't know when will it all get any better. Having DC has taken a very big toll on the relationship which I don't know if it was already broken or it's just highlighted the issues we already had.