To be worried about my step daughter's behaviour?

[Blasianwoman]

Hi everyone,

This has been driving me crazy, and because I am not a mother, I thought I'd ask mothers if this type of behaviour is normal.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, we moved in together in December 2023. He has a 14yo daughter, she comes every other week, they have 50/50.

Now, everytime she needs to go back to her mother's she cries, begs her father and I to stay. She will refuse to get out of the bathroom and say things like " I will clean the entire house everyday if you let me stay." She seems genuinely terrified of something. I have never met her mother, and my step daughter never mentions her or her siblings.

I can't help but feel emotional, sad and even I pleaded with her father to let her stay. I always get the same response " She is a teen... She is manipulating you .... Her mother is great... It's the law... She is being a brat"

But she is not a brat at all, she seems like a happy kid, loves to cook and is respectful. She is affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses.

She has to go back tonight to her mum's, and right now I can hear her crying and her father screaming at her.

Is this typical for teenagers?

OP, your update is great news.

I would urge you to speak with her school regardless of what she tells you. They will have professionals there who are trained and experienced in supporting teens through all manner of things. It's not betraying her or her family, it's just adding an extra string to the support bow and keeping them informed.

@Direstraightsagain are you serious? There’s no safeguarding issue? How can you possibly know? Two of my closest relatives were sexually abused by someone within the family. It didn’t come out until they were in their late teens. If someone had bothered to ask the question when they were 14, it would have stopped things sooner. Too late to stop the abuse, but at least they would have been safe before they felt forced to leave home as soon as they could at 16. I won’t talk about the detail of the mental health issues they’ve been through and how close one of them has come to not being here, but if you’d seen the damage it does, you wouldn’t be so dismissive. Thank goodness OP’s SD has one adult who’s looking out for her.

OP, edited to say I’ve read your updates and you’re amazing.

Absolutely not!!! She trusts the op as far as we can see. Getting school involved would likely make her clam up!!!!!

If she discloses anything, you talk her through options. The minute you tell school anything that's safeguarding SS get involved and it gets messy. Personally I'd go direct to police and then talk to the school.

14 isn't that far off 16, and I defy anybody to stop a 16 year old from keeping in touch with anybody they want to. They might manage to stop her from physically seeing you but text/phone/email etc are all chanels she can reach you through. Make it clear to her that you are always open for her, and if you can get her to memorise your phone number and email so much the better.

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for the kind words.
Her father just fuck off with his stupid friends again. He probably going to come home drunk again, and his idiotic friends will come along with him until I shout at them, like every weekends.

A bit of update. I had a long conversation with her. I have told her that if she is that distressed maybe we could get help to get her out of her mum's house. I mentioned school. BUT she asked me to not talk to her school as she is afraid to get her mother in trouble... However, there is something that doesn't sit right with me, she said "If we go to the police, they will take my 3 siblings away too and I don't want to separate them. We just need to get rid of stepdad and stepbrother"

I then asked if someone was hurting her in the house , to which she said yes. Then she said 4 years is too long to wait before she can leave that house.

I asked her about her relationship with her mother and gosh, that woman seems to be a pig too. Stepdaughter isn't allowed out the room past 7pm, because her mama needs adult time with her husband. She said to Stepdaughter " One day you guys will leave the house, so I need to prioritise my man."

The parents go on dates, and while the older boys ( 18 and 21) are playing video games, she cooks and takes care of her little sisters ( 8, 4 and 2).

"If you knew everything that is going on in that house you'd be horrified"

She was getting sad and tearful so we stopped at that.

Partner's parents are in their 80's, he has no sibling. But luckily my parents adore my Stepdaughter, and so do my siblings and her cousins.

I just don't know what do.

oh my gosh she has as good as admitted that she and probably her younger siblings are being abused by stepdad and step brother

ss definitely needs to be involved

I don’t know where to start. She’s sent to her (shared) room at 7pm and has to stay there? I worked with someone whose mother did this to her when she was a teenager and it had lifelong impact : that alone is abuse.

OP, kindly, yes you do. You need to get SS involved now. If not for your SD, for her little siblings who are undoubtedly at equal if not more risk given their ages. Please protect them.

That's a terrible update @Blasianwoman but as suspected, unfortunately, given how extreme her behaviour has been. She really should not go back to this environment. As I said before, you sound lovely and she obviously agrees or would not have taken you into her confidence. Personally, I would want to keep talking to her and talk her through options, whatever you think they are before contacting SS. I would want her to be on side in making the decision to contact them and I think it is likely that this could be achieved. If you speak to SS without her consent, it may just reinforce her strong impression that adults cannot be trusted. She has been let down so badly by both her parents that she will already feel like this, poor girl. I really feel for both of you.

I think the best course of action would be to support her in going to the police station.

Things will be so much easier if her father agreed to have her full time. The mother doesn't mind visibly.

I will contact authorities, but I want to have another discussion with her, so she doesn't feel betrayed. I also need to explain to her that I have no legal rights over her. From the way she was talking, I feel like she is under the impression that I can "keep" her.

You can contact childline OP to get some professional advice.

Thank goodness SD has you OP. Both her parents are abusing her

SD needs to know that while she can trust you, some information cannot be kept secret and this needs to be taken to professionals who can help both her and her siblings. Basically, as an adult you can't not raise this.

You can tell her that professionals can help her and will listen to her and that you will do all you can to support but can't promise what that will be at the moment as you don't know

It sounds as if her father doesn't want her full time and is also abusive, from what you have written. It also sounds as if you do all the parenting when she stays with him. However, he will still be the first port of call when she is removed from her mother, as sounds likely.

Well you actually can, if she's ðeemed unsafe SS will try to give guardianship to a family member first. As your married, that includes you.

I'd be locking your husband out. He's not a father.....

I’m so sorry for you both, OP and so glad she feels safe to tell you. I echo PPs that she obviously trusts you so it would be much better if she would agree with you to speak to a professional rather than you doing it without telling her. Childline may be able to give you anonymous advice on which agency to approach first - school, police, SS. As PPs have said though, something has to be done, for her and her siblings.

If your partner is happy for her to stay with you full-time for now, you and she don’t need to make an immediate decision on whether you can ‘keep her’ as it’s likely she would be placed by preference with her father. If you were to consider leaving your partner, I’m guessing that wouldn’t be an instant decision, so for now she would be safe living with you.

Depending on how your relationship works out, and what happens with her Dad’s attitude to it all, it might be possible for you to achieve a private fostering arrangement with her (I don’t know much about this area), but that’s something for the future. The key at the moment is to reassure her that she is safe with you, that she can tell you anything (which she clearly feels she can) and that her half-siblings will be safe too.

She’s very lucky to have you. It’s a lot on your strong shoulders but believe me, you’ll be having a huge impact on her quality of life and her young siblings.

Try to get her to confide in you and tell you what the problem is. She's clearly very unhappy at home with her mother and siblings. Your husband isn't being at all kind or supportive of her. It ISN'T normal behaviour - my GD was in a similar situation - it turned out her mother was getting drunk a lot and being violent. GD has ended up living with her dad and his GF full-time, and is so happy now.

Oh OP, this is such a tough situation. Thank you for wanting to do right by this girl.

As someone who has interacted with social services (through work and personally) on several occasions and in different areas I would say

1. social services generally (not uniformly!) want what's best for the children/young people in their care

2. you really can't promise any particular outcome

3. if things are really bad then, yes, they might end up separated. BUT - social services do try to maintain relationships

4. abused/scared people (especially young people!) massively fear losing those closest to them. But if the choice is between a) being separated from siblings or b) staying with them but (all) being abused/ at risk, then separation may feel like the worst thing possible in the moment, but it's actually probably not

5. please look after yourself. This could be incredibly emotionally draining. Try to find someone you can talk to/somewhere to escape to. It may seem right to be "on" for her 24/7 but you will do more good in the long run if you take care of yourself

Well done for the progress you have made with her today.

I just don't know what do.

This is why you need to involve professionals.
You're acting with the best of intentions but it’s too complex for you to deal with.

I'm so glad that your SD has confded in you, that was probably a big step for her, she obviously trusts you and that is really good as she really needs this kind of support from someone. She sounds like a caring girl herself to be concerned about her younger siblings being split up. I hope if SS are involved that this won't happen. I would definitely ring child line like other posters have said, but talk to SD every step of the way about what you think and ask if that is alright with her. I really do wish you and your SD and her younger siblings all the very best. It's really heartbreaking what she must have been going through and for how long. It's really good that she has been able to open up to you. It must be a great weight lifted from her, and well done to you for being the responsible adult you are. I hope that she hasn't had to go back there now it's all more or less out in the open.

I don't think they are married. OP says they moved in together in December 2023. I'm not sure it would be good for OP to be married. In fact it would be terrible. If it weren't for the step daughter I think the advice the OP would be getting is to leave this much older, drunken, neglectful man.

OP aside from step daughter what are you getting out of this relationship?

If you were prepared to you could adopt her. I’m sorry but her father sounds fucking useless. He hasn’t had her back at all. Does he even give a shit?

She's started talking to you which is great. If it was me I'd just let her decompress a little at yours, she might open up even more around some specifics which are more actionable.

This is about safeguarding, and quite honestly your DH has been sticking his head in the sand and wilfully potentially putting his DD at risk.

He will be culpable unless he starts working with you and his DD to resolve the situation.

Do you know which school the 8 year old goes to? I would contact their safeguarding lead and explain that DSD has said so things that are concerning but enough that you can currently do much about how you wanted to flag it with them so her sisters are on their radar.

They may already have concerns and that could be enough for them to step in and report.