Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

Also the “your career is doomed” crowd - all the ex sahms I got to know are back at work and thriving. If you had a good profession / job pre kids you can pick it up again. For most it’s a temporary stage. So glad I did it mine about to leave home now - loved those years I had with them - as did they.

Each to their own, yes SAHP makes the home and the working parent works to make money to pay for things. If they works for you then that's fine.
Some can't stay home as their career would be too damaged, some can't hack it (these two are me!) and being a working parent is also fine.
Often though, unskilled or low paid jobs can be 'just a' jobs, I'm just a cleaner, I'm just a receptionist, I'm just a housewife ... often men don't describe themselves as 'just a' - neither should women

I have friends who work full time, part time, are stay at home parents, carers for other family, low waged jobs, high level highly paid jobs, long hours, travel, work from home - the full range. I don't know anyone who judges any of their situations or choices. I know a few of them feel judged but I honestly think it's a very small minority of people who do the judging.

Personally I couldn't care less about what anyone else thinks about my situation.

I’ve been a working mum and now currently a SAHM due to disability.

SAHM is not work. It just isn’t. It’s one hour of housework a day, maybe a load of laundry and entertaining your kid. Which everyone should be doing anyway.

And being financially reliant on a man so he can do his job 100%??? Madness! Thankfully I am financially independent and don’t rely on anyone except myself. But lol to SAHM (especially to school aged children!) being hard work 😂

I totally agree and I think that it’s should be an equal choice up till a child starts reception. Yes by all means have funded nursery for 9+ months but if any parent wants to be a SAHP till their child starts reception they shouldn’t be punished under UC rules and forces to work if that isn’t their choice. I have dc with SEN and nursery just wasn’t appropriate they needed longer at home , some people may have other reasons.

I respect both stay at home mums and working mums the same.

Both have their pros and cons.

I don't respect judging either stay at home mums or working mums.

Both have huge value.

What I mean is that if you're an actual stay at home mum, then it's usually up to you alone to do the 24 hour shift. Your husband / anyone will not help you. It's your job. When you're working, you should ideally get support from your partner or nanny etc.

You know plenty of SAHMs put their kids in preschool/nursery some hours a week right? Some even have nannies(and a cleaner). Some also have family/friends help and support. Some , shock horror , have husbands who are not dicks. Some have all of it. Some will have none and it can be extremely hard and miserable , but that's again down to circumstances, not necessarily being a SAHM.

Just like some working mums are still expected to do it all and have no help bar whatever childcare they pay for.

Life is dozens of shades of grey, not the black and white you're trying to make it to be.

Most families fall into one of the following categories-

Both parents work full time but they have a good support network/childcare/cleaner etc

One parent works part time or is a sahp and picks up majority of home/kids etc allowing other parent to focus on career

Both parents work full time have no additional support and they are on their knees juggling it all.

The third one obviously have it the hardest but it doesn't mean that the others are less or lacking in some way. Or that the others have it easy. Surely everyone wants the best solution for their family.

How many people are actually “mega rich” though or become so? Like 1% of the population or less?

No amount of money will convince me that it’s ok on a societal level for parenting and household chores (and the disruption parenting brings to life like collecting sick kids) be seen as optional for men but something women just have to put up with often to their detriment. Likewise I don’t think seeing work as optional for women is a good thing either.

Tbh it depends on the job. And it depends on the kids. Employed work is more taxing for some than saying home. Parenting is more taxing for some than going to work. It's very situation dependent.

I do take issue though with your suggestion that being a SAHM is a 24 hr job as though being an employed mum isn't. I'm up very early with my children parenting, when they go to childcare/school and I'm working I am still doing parenting tasks and household tasks in breaks (the life admin stuff a lot of SAHM do), I do pick ups and dinners from scratch and am parenting and running the household around that. I'm waking in the night, caring for the family when they're ill etc. I don't outsource any of those life admin parenting and household tasks and they need to be done. Being a mum whether employed or not is a full on 24 hour thing. It's just in working hours, SAHM are at home and working mums aren't (or might be if WFH - some may even do most or all of the childcare and work when the kids are asleep or at school so fit their work around childcare).

Staying at home with children is valuable and important. I respect women who make that choice if they are lucky enough to be able to afford it.

But I don't like the superiority and smugness that sometimes comes with it - you can only do it because if partner earns enough to support you.

If you can only do it by claiming benefits then I can't respect that.

If you imply it's better for your child and working parents are akin to child abusers, I can't respect that.

If you don't have a Plan B for if your marriage fails then I think you're a bit naive.

And unless you have other interests, you are a bit dull to talk to at parties.

I am unsure where you get MNetters are more respectful of others choices when you see others tearing down others on a daily basis.

Being a full time house keeper/ cook / cleaner and mum is way more taxing and way more work, than having a full time job. For me anyway.

Rubbish.

Not enough, though, in my case. When mine were small I worked 0.6 of contract, mostly 3 days. Childcare was half my take home salary, not most or all of it. I did all the cleaning, laundry, shopping and some of the cooking. DH did the rest of the cooking.

What I did was way harder than being a SAHM. Laundry and ironing got done at 10 at night.

Being a SAHM if you’re a professional woman is a luxury in my view and hardly any of my sons’ friends mums was a SAHM.

Why do we care so much about what other people do?

Yeah I know that. I also don't think that's wrong either. It's also perfectly fine.

What's wrong with a person, having an objectively ' easier ' time. Nothing.

But this "facilitated man" career model is harmful, as most women can't work this way and neither can domestically-engaged men. I accept that individuals make their choices based on their own circumstances, not what's best for society as a whole, but the point above is not something to promote.

When my children were small I took a step back and worked part time.

When I became a single parent I increased my hours to 30 hrs a week so I could still spend Friday afternoons with my kids.

I actually resent “enabling” my exes to have their careers whilst my career was going no where. I have had to work so hard to get my career back on track now my kids are in my teens. I’m finally in a job I love and earn enough money to support us without needing benefits. My take away from it that my job and career progression is just as important as my exes, and I have a right to have a happy working life. I also need to pay the mortgage and provide for more kids. The only thing I’m thankful of is that I never gave up
work completely.

You came across a bit smug tbf.

And the first response is not wrong - exactly my view. Most of us do both.

This. I was sort of in agreement with OP until the “enabling her husband to work” comment!

I also disagree that it’s work. In my eyes work is paid for and you have to do certain things whereas you have a lot more flexibility as a SAHM to do things on your own schedule. I’ve not been a SAHM but I’ve had maternity leaves and the biggest difference is the freedom to do things on my own schedule rather than have a diary of meetings etc. mapped out for the day. I’m not saying it’s not hard being a SAHM but it’s not work in the sense of employed work.

Oh FFS

Not this shite again.

Almost without exception, people make individual choices based on what is best for their circumstances (including but not limited to financial, mental health, career, beliefs, preferences). There are typically trade-offs between certain elements but that is the nature of life.

Why is this so very difficult for people to understand.

Stop judging others, stop worrying about what others think and crack on - whatever your choices, I'm sure you and your kids will be just fine.

Why in the majority of cases is it the mother who is the SAHP?

It is a contribution to the family but it’s not a financial contribution and it’s definitely not work!

This is definitely AI. What fuckwittery is this?

OP you are contributing half to the household. You are also doing a lovely thing for your DC and family. Do not let people knock this. (Even if it is an AI bot)

It’s work but it isn’t anywhere close to the contribution that most working mothers make to the household. I think most of us can agree that it isn’t looking after the children in itself that’s labour intensive, it’s the running of the household that comes with it. A lot of women, especially those working part time are contributing financially, completing the bulk of childcare and still doing the majority of the cleaning, cooking, household admin and so on