Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

Neither DH or I have careers which would have survived taking several years out. Neither of us wanted to be SAHP - we discussed this before deciding to have a family.

Talk about sexist OP.

Do you really mean that lots of people don't respect a stay at home mum, or did you mean to say a stay at home parent?

I think both parents should pull their weight in a family and that comes in many different shapes and forms.

Thanks for the judgement! 😆

It’s nice to see some balanced views here. What I don’t understand is the generalisations of what a SAHP does or is, and the same for a working parent. Whilst not every SAHP does it because they can’t be bothered working, neither does every working parent outsource jobs because they don’t have time to do them. Family dynamics differ for every single family. So whilst someone up thread was saying they had one child and both parents worked full time and the house was always spotless, in my head, I leapt to judgement initially, as I have 3 boys (youngest is ND with high support needs), and the family dynamics from that differ somewhat. But at the end of the day, I don’t know what the family dynamics are of a family with one child. Their child may have high support needs, they may have to support an elderly family member, they may have a health condition that causes issues with day-to-day function for example. So I think the best rule of thumb is to mind your own business. Because whilst you may see the odd post from a divorced mother saying they didn’t think about work or a pension when deciding to be a SAHP, this does not represent all SAHP’s does it. Its common sense 🤷🏻‍♀️ Do what’s right for you and try not to bother what anyone else thinks, because they have no say in your life.

Staying at home is a piece of cake compared with going out to work AND running a home. No brainer.

Always a firm topic and I expect my response has been covered many times.

Yes, looking after a family is work particularly when children are young. No mother of young children not of school age would disagree, especially when there are multiple children.

The issue with this is you're not paid for this work, this is not a career with pay or pension contributions.Your are dependant on your partner/husband/wife to provide you with money. Should your relationship not work out and you split/ divorce you have no income to support yourself when this ends. It becomes harder to secure work and develop a career the older you become. If you become unhappy in your relationship you become trapped due to your lack of income. There can be a power in balance on how money is spent and on personal time due to the lack of contribution. It is a risk, which many women don't want to take. I could work less and use less childcare but the risk to myself and protection of my income is important to me for the above scenarios. I have and am watching people is SAHM or reduced hours positions go through this now.

Once the children are at school the burden of small children become less and there is more time.

It does become contentious because many women work, whilst having to do many of the SAHM role but doing it around work. A SAHM has more flexibility in her day and how she chooses to spend it unless there are requirements of what she has to fulfil to keep being a SAHM, which again is where the imbalance is again.

I think also in a SAHM scenario people become used to a lifestyle and way of living that is not able to be maintained upon a relationship ending , and that becomes a shock the sudden need to financially support yourself with no outside world career history. But the partner / wife/ husband can still have that lifestyle as they have a career to maintain it.

It's not a competition, looking after our homes and children is work but it is not a career, you lose security and imbalance in doing so and that's the risk you take. For women at work we're judged for working, but we don't want the risk or simply cannot afford to work but we understand that we work and do all the chores , children enrichment classes of the SAHM, it's x2 jobs.

Wow, just wow. I am a full time working mum. Nobody looks after my kids apart from my husband or me. We work opposite shifts. Just because I work, that dosent mean I stop becoming mum when I am in work. I have my phone on me, my kids know that they can always contact me, and sometimes they have. I never miss a school event or parents evening and help them with their school work. Being a working parent is hard, we do everything you do plus keep down a job. You can judge us as much as you want, it dosent make us less of a parent. My mum was a stay at home mum and she was as miserable as hell, she told my sisters and I not to to it, to go out and have a career, so we have. I personally wouldnt want to be finacinally dependent in someone else.

Get judged by some for going to work, get judged by others for staying at home.

Everyone has their own opinion on it and let’s face it; it’s no one’s business other than you and your family. As moms we all have our preferences and reasons either way

Ive done both, and I found being a SAHM mega boring and easier than being a working mum. My routine whilst working is, get up at 5.30 get ready for work. Empty washing mqchine from previous evening and hang clothes out to dry. only work on my husbands day off so I dont need to worry about the kids, leave the house at 6.15 to start work at 7. Work a 12.5 hr demanding shift. Get home at 8 ish, shower, sort the kids out, read them a bedtime story and put them to bed, get their uniforms and lunches ready. Gather any dishes/plates/cups/cutlery thar is laying around and put them in the diswash. Put a clothes wash on. Tidy up the house. Sit down usually at about 11. Go to bed at midnight to have to get up at 5.30 again the next day. Days off spent doing housework, food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

When I was a SAHM, get up at 7, sort kids out take them to school. Get home at 9.30 and thwn have the whole day, everyday to do hoisework, shopping etc. I know which one I find harder

Yeah school which is mandatory. What’s the excuse then?

Got 4dc, been a SAHM for 17 years and wouldn't have it any other way.

“Excuse?” 😳 school isn’t the entire day you know. Also maybe there is more to life than paid work? Some people are so weird and bitter

It’s ok for somebody to be different to you. Their life might still be valid.

If we were in the fairytale position of being able to ignore finances I wonder how many men vs how many women would to choose to stay home. I suspect, and I may be wrong, that there is a genetic element that means women are more inclined to want to be at home with the kids. It makes historical sense that this would be the case. I acknowledge this doesn't apply to everyone but I don't think women should be criticised for wanting to undertake this role.

My opinion is that it is harder to work ft and parent than have a SAHP in the family unless things like cleaning are out sourced. But why are we encouraging this? Ok, so people manage to work ft and parent but the pressure to complete the cooking, cleaning, admin, appointments etc around their jobs is immense. With a SAHP, there is more opportunity for downtime and thats important for everybody. From reading the posts here there seems to be an element of martyrdom - 'I work ft and fit all the other stuff in the evenings and early morning'. But what if you could just have time playing and cuddling with your DC without constantly thinking about what else you should be doing? What if once they go to bed, you could go out for the evening or chill with a DP? What if weekends were just for leisure? Isn't that a nicer life? Potentially, would the reduction in stress be better for longer term health?

FWIW, I worked pt when DC were below secondary age whilst most my friends were ft SAHM. I sometimes felt jealous of them but I wasn't in a financial position to be a ft SAHM. I still got to do plenty of playdates and solidified friends for life through the groups I took my DC to. I could facilitate after school playdates for my DC and attend most their sports day, plays, assemblies etc and also help out with school trips. I'm grateful that my exH didn't want to be a SAHP and was happy to work ft and bring in the main income. When DC were in primary I started an Open University degree course and now, at 45, with adult DC, I am successful in my chosen career. It is possible!

Crucially though, we need to respect everybody's choices. As PP have said, what's right for one family won't work for another and that's ok. However, I do wish we were in a position where people had more choice and less financial pressure.

I’d love to be a SAHM. My husband won’t allow it and thinks it’s selfish for only one of us to get that time with the kids so I can’t and it breaks my heart :-(

Would you be happy for him to be a sahp?

Can you both work p/t?

Your husband sounds really unpleasant & bullying

Your husband sounds really unpleasant & bullying

As I had to spend two hours today sorting out my eldests prescription that my pharmacy insisted they didn't have (they did and they insisted I was lying). Plus pay cash into my youngests bank account (bank closed at weekend) and do a full shop, at various shops due to coeliac diease. I really wondered how on earth those families where both partners work full time office hours manage. The sheer volume of appointments and general paperwork with 3 children is incredible.

Agree! Great observations

You fit tasks around work because you have to
Shop online don’t faff going from store to store
Documents, take photo and upload to folder

Sounds like you have the time and stretch the tasks etc to fit

@goneaway2

"As I had to spend two hours today sorting out my eldests prescription that my pharmacy insisted they didn't have (they did and they insisted I was lying)."

I would have done it by phone while working or contacted the GP asking for the prescription to be cancelled and reissued to go to a different pharmacy.

"Plus pay cash into my youngests bank account (bank closed at weekend)"

I wouldn't have gone to the bank, I'd have transferred the money from my account to theirs and used the cash myself the next time I go to the supermarket.

"and do a full shop, at various shops due to coeliac diease."

Online shopping, anything I can't get online I go to the supermarket on lunch break or on the way home from work.

As per the posts above it seems people are often more efficient with time when they have less of it.

My friend is what I think would be described as a type A personality, her and her husband have four kids, and they are both in senior roles within their respective fields but she (and her husband) always manage to get stuff done, attend events etc.

She even made her kids costume for a school costume day last year! And she’s the kind of person who will always remember to send a card to her close friends on their birthday and attend important social events (weddings, birthday parties etc)

I have SO much more time than her as someone with no kids who WFH, but somehow she is so much more organised and has a way busier social life than me ! 🤭 I think some people do juggle responsibilities better than others and people need to do what they can handle.

So refreshing to see someone tell it as it is!

SAHMs of children who are under school age, during standard working hours, whatever that looks like for you, are working.

No they are not. They are being mums.