Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

Crack on with your opinion. Enabling her husband to work. Good grief. That's a grim outlook.

It's as much of a job as you make it. Some SAHM will do the basics and enjoy lots of free time. Others will full on manage their homes and entire families. Similarly some office workers coast at work and do bare minimum to get by - chats with colleagues, getting up for coffees etc lots, trying to look busy. Others will work solid every day, going the extra mile and doing overtime.

The point is having an employed job doesn't straightaway mean that you're doing more than a SAHM just because you are being paid any more than being a SAHM means that you're doing more for your home than someone who brings home a paid salary

I think you're too ignorant to understand even if we told you.

What are the people who can't think how parents could possibly fill their time during school hours going to do in retirement? Ever heard of hobbies, or enjoying yourself at all?

I think the moment anyone feels the need to negatively judge anybody else for their choices, is the moment that person needs to look at why they feel the need to do that, and if possible, find ways to fix that.

I did a spell of both when kids were little. Being a stay at home mum has lots of advantages, one of them being less frantic rushing in the morning etc, but it is extremely waring and I was most definitely more tired mentally and physically whilst being a stay at home mum in comparison to when being a working mum.

Ok, I'll bite.

So you think the only contribution to society can be through work ? You've really bought into it haven't you..

I'm mainly talking about children who aren't at school yet.

There are many contributions people make that have nothing to do with paid work.

Also, by not working, some women really do enable their partner to have an extremely successful career. There are some dads who literally only need to worry about their work and not have to worry about kids drop offs and looking after kids when they're sick. Many people need that sort of space to become extremely successful ( think millionaires ). I am sure some people manage to excel massively also by doing night wakings / sick days and pick ups. However, I think it's much easier to focus on your career if you know those things are taken care of.

As for stay at home mums not being able to fill their time. First of all, I meant preschool children. But even once kids have started school, if a woman chooses to stay home to support her family, I don't see the issue.

If you can't find ways to fill the time your children are at school, then thats your issue isn't it. Many people seem to find things to do in that time. What's wrong with that ? Why begrudge people for being able to fill their time with something other than paid work ?

"Also, you're on 24 hours a day. It's definitely work, in my opinion."

Its sentences like this that show a fundamental lack of understanding of WOHMs though.

Do you think that parents who work just ignore their kids in the evening/overnight/weekends?

Or have a staff on hand in the home to pick this up?

My experience when DD was small was that me and DH would be up at 5ish when DD woke up, sort out all the morning stuff - breakfast, getting washed and dressed, some housework. Then off to nursery while I went to work.
Pickup and go home, dinner, playing, bedtime routine, prep for the next day, housework, general life stuff like groceries, sorting outgrown clothes, booking appts, house maintenance etc. If she woke up in the night we'd take it in turns, if she was poorly we'd take days off work in turns.

We just used our 24 hours differently to you, between 9am and 5pm we were "on" at work and every other hour around that we were "on" at home.

You make it sound like SAHMs are doing more than WOHMs, when reality is that they're just doing different not more.

I was a SAHM so I have no problem with it. But the SAHP must look at their long term financial position and understand the consequences.

But she's also facilitating her partners career so he can give 100% to it.

You can not work and have a pension. Any sahp should pay NI and have a pension

My issue with SAHP is that at a societal level, it is still mostly women staying home. That women’s careers tend to pay less than men’s and when the question is asked about how much childcare costs, it is only the woman’s salary that is taken into account rather than a household budget overall.

As we see time and time again on here, SAHM end up doing everything with their partner contributing nothing because they’re at home. It is work and contributing because their partner contributes nothing. We don’t have the same problem when we have a SAHD (in a heterosexual relationship) because the woman will still be an equal parent whilst working.

Also, she's enabling her husband to work by taking care of the house and kids.
Right, but it was never a question that he’d have a job. If the woman had died in childbirth, it is highly unlikely he’d have given up his job and career he’d have used childcare and worked. He might have had to find a more flexible career or increase his earning potential to cover wrap around, which is exactly what women do. What it allows is him to focus on just his career to the detriment of his partner’s. The more men we have in jobs saying they need to leave to do pick up or because their kid is sick or they’re not available on Thursday at 2 because there’s a leaver’s assembly, the easier it becomes for women to work and be an active parent.

First of all, I'm not a stay at home mum.

Second of all, I know mums do these things and are on 24 hours a day.

What I mean is that if you're an actual stay at home mum, then it's usually up to you alone to do the 24 hour shift. Your husband / anyone will not help you. It's your job. When you're working, you should ideally get support from your partner or nanny etc.

There are some dads who literally only need to worry about their work and not have to worry about kids drop offs and looking after kids when they're sick

that’s really not the positive you think it is

Circumstances also vary immensely. Having a job(maybe a NMW one) rather than a career, number of kids, whether the kids have any disabilities or SEN , the husband's job (military, or away 6 months of the year on a rig or ship etc) . Whether you love your job and it's part of your identity, you want/need(for various reasons ,not just financial)to keep working, you have a career path/plan etc.People, even women , are allowed to make their lives easier if they can. For some , that means staying at home , for some that means working

I did it for 6 years while until they went to school when I restarted my career. Of course looking after babies / small children is bloody work!

Also it is impossible to safely be in sole care of preschoolers and to do your job - lockdown taught us that the hard way.

'Not everyone does. Some of us work full time and do t have any childcare or other external help'

To be able to do this must involve fairly niche full time roles @OrwellianTimes? Which FT job role allows you to manage school drop off, pick up, child care from 3pm and full time care of young children during the what 15 weeks of school holidays/inset days plus let's say 1 week per child per year of illness.
Im not saying such a job doesn't exist btw, just that I can't think of that many.

I was a SAHM until my children started secondary school at which point I found a job that complemented school hours. I absolutely loved the freedom of not working but would never claim that it was hard work. Obviously life is much simpler when you don't have to juggle work and family life and you have the more time to do much less. It's a great life choice but I'd never compare it to the effort required of someone who is working and managing a family.

It is, if he gets mega rich and you've massively helped him get there and it's also half yours if you're married. You sacrificed so he could get there. I know many families where that's how it worked.

You’re simply wrong.

I was a SAHM for 3 years when mine was little. I could get so much done. I had a beautifully tidy house, fresh cooked everything.

Said child is now 7, no childcare or chores are outsourced, and I work full time. My house is not tidy and I have a mountain of unfolded laundry. I’m never “off duty” because I’m constantly working or doing stuff with the kids, or cleaning or whatever.

No choice is better than the other. We need to stop with divisive language and trying to make out that one’s got it harder than the other. It’s life choices and no one actually cares what life choices someone else makes so long as they are happy and not hurting anyone.

I’m a stay at home mum to one infant however have no plans on returning to the workforce (part time) until my youngest child starts primary school, possibly not even until secondary school as I don’t want to use any childcare or wrap around care.

I absolutely love my life right now - my daughter is thriving and I want to spend as much time with her as possible.

Having worked in childcare centres / nurseries while I was at uni I don’t feel comfortable with this type of care for my baby. I also am exclusively breastfeeding and hope to be able to breastfeed the full 24 months as is now recommended - I would struggle to maintain breastfeeding if I returned to work.

I agree stay at home parents deserve more respect. I think people undermine the benefits of young children spending the majority of their time in a home environment with a 1:1 caregiver they have a solid attachment to because the reality is that few are privileged enough to afford this for their own families. Working parents shouldn’t feel guilty about the necessity of work for their families - this includes mothers working for reasons that aren’t entirely financial.

Also worth noting that not all women are financially dependent just because they’re taking time out of the workforce to raise children. I have investments that generate income. Our assets/property are in my name as well. We share a bank account and large financial decisions are made by my husband and I together. My husband and I have life insurance policies, TPD and income protection insurance. A portion of my husband’s salary contributes to my retirement savings.

YES, this is an enormous privilege and I will admit it’s a combination of well paid jobs AND inter generational wealth that has given us these opportunities.

The crucial thing is to have a husband / spouse who respects the stay at home parent and values their contribution to the child and the family as a whole.

Raising children well is an important contribution to society - the most important of all. It’s ok to care for them at home with them from babyhood through toddlerhood into preschool years although at age 3/4 they should start to attend at least a couple of days a week, some kind of organised kindergarten for social reasons and to prepare them for school at 5.

Once the kids are at school then yes parents should contribute something to society during those 30 hours a week their children are in the classroom. Whether paid work, volunteering or other community activities (including caring for elderly relatives).

I imagine this is what happens anyway but people don’t give women credit for it! I mean, really what % of mums are dropping kids off at school then spending 9am to 3pm watching telly and getting their nails done?? Very very few.

@OrwellianTimes no I am not simply wrong.

It's my opinion. I stated that. Your opinion is different. That doesn't make you wrong or me right.

It's an opinion and it's my experience. Yours is different, that doesn't make it wrong.

If it involves housework and looking after babies/small children, then of course it’s work. It’s just not work with a paycheque at the end of the month.

For so many women nowadays, though being able to stay at home with babies/very young children - if they would like to - is a luxury they simply can’t afford.

Yeah, I know a few, and the dads only had children because the wife wanted them. One of them was working in Finance in Singapore and agreed to 2 children so she'd have "something to do".

It’s odd, as much as I absolutely consider it a contribution, I never ever felt looking after my own kids was work. If that’s the case working mums work constantly. For me it’s just family life,

howver I see it on here a lot, people who think looking after their kids is work. And that running the home is some form of major chore. 🤷🏻‍♀️