Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

Exactly - people bleat on about doing the laundry, making the dinner, yada yada yada - we ALL have to do that, we just don't have the luxury of having all day to do it!

You were eminently sensible! 😂

And who exactly is doing this?
If it's your husband, then you have a big problem and shouldn't be a SAHM. Get back to work immediately.
If it's other people - who gives an f* what you think? Even if you were superwoman they'd find something to judge about you.

To be clear- I’ve not tried to make a case for it being a job. I’m refuting the claims that it’s not hard work.

I shouldn’t have used the word job- I wasn’t using it in the technical sense of the word, I obviously understand it isn’t paid employment. A better way to word what I said would have been “a SAHP’s work or task”.

What I was trying to get at was the idea that the day to day life of a SAHP isn’t really work or isn’t hard work and therefore those who do it seem to be viewed inferiorly. At least that’s the vibe I’m picking up from this thread. And I find it hard to believe a person who looks after someone else’s children for 8 hours a day would receive the same criticism. However, it sounds like they’re not worthy of the same criticism because they’re receiving monetary compensation and the accountability that comes with it, and in some cases have qualifications.

One poster said being a SAHP is “Basically doing whatever the fuck you want ,when you want , how you want and you're the only one that sets your priorities.” If this is the kind of view that people hold of SAHPs there isn’t any sense in even engaging in a back and forth. For the record, I am not a SAHP but have friends who are and these kind of comments are just utterly deluded and rude.

@DDoreenonTill8
Well that's true in my case, I would never have wanted anyone bringing up my children. And yes carers do bring them up partly, alongside the parent. I wasn't going to let that happen.

Depends on how you are defining work. Caring for own children is hard work. But it’s not work in terms of employment.

I don’t see how you can’t see the difference. Did you have to study to become a parent? Do you have inspections? Do you have to comply with health and safety and so on. Do you also look after lots of children for money and so have the legal obligations and costs attached to that?

I drive, that doesn’t mean me driving is work. I also cook, but it’s not work. There are things we do in our own life because that’s things you need to to live. Doing them doesn’t make it a job.

Doing something in your private life isn’t the same as doing it as employment. And working parents do pretty much all the same stuff.

That doesn’t mean it can be hard work at times.

So you home schooled?

That was me. The point was that a SAHM can CHOOSE to do fuck all and some do. They're just as much SAHM as any other. That's the whole point. They can choose how little or how much they do at home ,how they do it ,when they do it. Tbh, so do working mums. They can't choose what they do at work though.

Caring for and looking after babies and toddlers your own or other peoples is hard work. You either do it yourself ( work) or you pay someone else handsomely to do it for you (work). This is not a difficult concept 🙄

school age. I work full time hours and have no wrap around care or clubs or summer holiday. I work evenings and weekends as needed, DH uses annual leave, we usually get 2-3 days of help from grandparents over the summer. It’s a lot of juggling. I have many friends who do similar.

You absolutely can not work full time with babies and toddlers in tow. I was a SAHM for 3 years during that age range following redundancy and not managing to secure a job in the same field.

That’s why I’ll happily state being a SAHM was easier than working full time whilst being a mum.

It’s all a moot point however, it’s not about who has it hardest, we shouldn’t be pitching against each other. This whole thread is very devisive, and in reality no one cares what anyone else does, and no mother should feel guilty for trying to do what they feel is best for their family.

And secondly I work constantly looking after my son and never have a break. He’s literally napping on me right now

That's not working, that's looking after your son, in the comfort of your own home. There's no one monitoring you and your performance, there's no one you need to report you. There's no accountability to a boss or Board of Directors. You're not being paid a wage and not paying taxes for doing so. It's literally called staying at home!

I am finding it hilarious and a bit sad actually at SAHMs arguing that staying at home is work. Yes it might be hard work and testing at times but it's the opposite of work!

Sweeping generalisations are foolish.

Some SAHPs are have children with additional needs and are on call 24/7 365 days a year. They work far harder and for less reward than anyone with a job.

But if he didn't have her, he wouldn't have the children and most men would be absolutely fine with that.

So depressing that women are so conditioned Into accepting that only paid work has any value. Soooo fucking depressing. Dont look after your toddler nor pay someone else to do so - you’ll end up in prison and rightly so, of course it’s work. Dear me.

Is it beyond your thinking that not all families are the same?

It is absolutely work depending on the child/children and the situation.

I find it sad that you can't grasp that.

Who said anything about not appreciating that families are different?

I am just agreeing with PP that being a SAHM is not the same as being in employment or self employed. It's called stay at home parenting isn't it? Or is a stay at home parent actually a working parent then?

As I've said upthread I'm not judging neither am I disputing that being a SAHP has its challenges, it's each to their own. 😆

@Willyoujustbequiet so are we back to the whole issue of not all SAHMs are equal? Yet they all have the same title.

If you start adding qualifiers, then the whole concept of SAHMs is work(which was the original generalisation) becomes invalid.

Doing the numbers, if you work and break even, to pay childcare and cleaners - it amounts to the same thing as a contribution. Plus you get NI credits, so it is recognised as such.

Is a childminder that works from her own home, not working?

It's doubly a shame because if women went on strike and refused to do the unpaid work they presently do, society would collapse.

“I don't know if you think I suggested that if you're a working mum you aren't working 24/7. It's just that if you're both working, you'd think that the husbands would pick up some of it, like night wakings and that kind of thing too.

I know working mums are on 24/7 as well. It's just if you're a stay at home mum and your husband works full time, you'd naturally be expected ( in my opinion ) to pick up more, to let your husband rest etc.”

@carshaker - thanks for clarifying. I see your point. But I think the partner in paid employment should also be parenting when they get home. I don’t think SAHPs should do all the childcare and homecare once WOHP is home. My two are now late teens but when they were little, as soon as DH and I got home from the office we shared the parenting. I would expect the WOHP to do the same.

You said it's the opposite of work and that you find it hilarious and sad that some SAHPs were arguing it is work.

Why would you say that if you had any understanding whatsoever of how hard it is to look after disabled children? Of course its work. Damn hard work. Its relentless and without any of the protections that come with employment.

Maybe try it some time and then you'll soon change your mind about mocking SAHPs.

I haven't qualified anything.

I simply took issue with an ignorant generalisation.

So it boils down to accountability. That is what makes childcare and housekeeping done by others that are not related for pay become work? It’s a stretch. I mean you would end up in jail if you didn’t turn up or neglected. Plenty of ‘workers’ get less sanction than that.

@CrispieCake and do you think that if all working mums quit their jobs tomorrow the same wouldn't happen?

I'm pleased that you were in a position to be able to!