Page 7 | To expect to share alcohol?

Riversideandrelax · 2024-06-28T12:59:46+00:00

We went on an adult only trip to to celebrate a big birthday of a friend. It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes. We were sharing with one couple who are mutual friends of ours and one couple who we'd met a few times before but are not friends of ours. Before we went this couple suggested we all put a bit of money in and they'd get some basic ingredients for breakfast/snacks for the holiday home. We agreed as did the friends of ours. When we arrived they showed us what they'd bought. It was lots of 'basics' type things like cheap white bread, biscuits, crisps, squash, margarine, baked beans, instant coffee, sugary cereal, lots of sausages and bacon (I'm vegetarian.) This is not the type of food I normally eat but after a moment just thought I obviously had different expectations but as nothing was specified I'll have to put it down to experience. So we didn't say anything negative about the food - just got on with it. We'd all brought some alcohol with us. Myself and the friends of ours said to everybody else 'please help yourself.' We'd brought a bottle of champagne, some wine and beers. Our friends had bought similar. The other couple bought a bottle of spirits. I realise now they'd not suggested that it was to be shared. I'd also brought some nice nibbles to share - crisps, olives, bread sticks. On the first proper night (had arrived late on the first day) we were all sat in the lounge having some drinks and the nibbles I'd brought. I'd opened one of our bottles of wine and myself and the 2 other women were drinking that. The men all had some of the spirit. Anyway the evening went on and the men were a bit drunk. The man who brought the bottle of spirits started a physical fight with my DP because he'd helped himself to the spirit. It all came out. About how they'd offered us a cup of tea but we'd not reciprocated - we didn't ever have a tea as we don't like the cheap tea bags. We should have made them breakfast to thank them for getting the shopping. I realised the whole thing about us paying for this shopping was essentially because they couldn't bare to share anything. My DP didn't retaliate but left the holiday home to go for a walk to let things calm down. When he got back we packed our things and left. I think the moral is not to go on holiday with people you don't know well. We are the type of people that share everything. They'd been counting every time my partner had some of their alcohol. They also eat very differently to us, which is fine, I'd just not realised. But perhaps they should have checked as they wanted to do it this way.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/06/2024 10:20

Similar thing happened on a friends hen do to a Uk city.
The organiser had promised us a boutique hotel which we handed money over for but then it “fell through” and we ended up in a big house share type place (swear it was just student digs) that was miles from the city centre and she asked us for money for food, what arrived was the biggest amount of cheap crap I’ve ever seen in my life. So what could have been a nice breakfast with normal amounts of food for 11 women turned into multiple bags of 32 frozen sausages and - wait for it - UNSMOKED BACON!
Due to shit kicking off the night before because this woman was coked up and being a twat, one of my close friends and i disappeared to sit in coffee shop for several hours so missed the delightful culinary feast that was cooked up.
We also missed the the coked up woman disappearing home with most of the other women’s train tickets.

Total shit show and I remain convinced that the woman made a lot of money off people that weekend!

FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 11:55

Tangled123 · 28/06/2024 18:46

I think OP is coming across a bit superior - ‘oh I wouldn’t normally eat that kind of food’, ‘nice nibbles like crisps, olives and breadsticks’, ‘in my group we do it this way’.

it isn’t showing much grace or understanding for people maybe coming from a different economic background to her or that people not in her friendship group are not bound by her normal friendship group. Maybe they didn’t want to be seen as too ‘wasteful’ with someone else’s money either.

That said, I do wonder if the man of the other couple is prone to heavy drinking and violence. I would check in with the wife if you had been getting on with her before the fight as there could be more going on there.

This with bells on.

The OPs privilege is showing more and more with each post.

Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:04

MoonintheStreet · 29/06/2024 00:08

But what if everyone said no, no one ever shares alcohol, and you should have accepted the offer of a cup of tea with their nasty cheap teabags — would that legitimise the attack?

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No, of course not.

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FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 12:05

I just didn't like the food they bought. The eggs were caged hens ones. Obviously I don't eat the meat. Then sugary cereal and cheap white bread. I really don't mean to offend but I just don't like that food.

I 100% could have written this. But then that's why I would never agree to split a food shop with anyone.

Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:17

MaterCogitaVera · 29/06/2024 00:52

As a fellow autistic person, I think I understand why you asked the question in the way you did. You know that the attack was absolutely wrong, so you don’t need anyone else’s opinion. But you’re not sure about the dynamics of the drink and food situation, and you want outside opinions so that you can learn from what happened. Is that right?

Here’s my take:

I do not think it was unreasonable to assume that all the alcohol was fair game, since everyone apparently was helping themselves to all the other drinks. If everything else is being treated as a free for all, it’s down to the owner of the vodka to find some way to clarify that they are not offering it on the same terms - maybe by putting the top back on and keeping the bottle tucked down by their own chair, rather than leaving it out with all the communal drinks. But it would be rather bad to do so, unless there was something special about the vodka, or unless the owner wasn’t partaking of any of the other drinks and wanted to make sure they had enough for themselves.

I also think their choice of foods and snacks was weird and inappropriate. If two other couples have chipped in a decent amount for a weekend’s breakfasts and snacks for a group of adults, buying the cheapest possible supermarket basics is a bit insulting. From what you say, it sounds like there was enough money there to have bought decent-quality bread, beans, bacon, veggie sausages, free-range eggs, and that you’d have found that quite acceptable (even if not what you’d have chosen for yourself)? The problem is that they bought a lot of really poor-quality food even though you gave enough money for significantly better-quality options. I’d be confused and really annoyed by that. Anyone who thinks this is snobbish has an odd idea of snobbery - these foods are not bog-standard-quality; they’re very cheap, bulked out with cheap ingredients, generally low in nutrition and don’t taste great.

So, they offered to do the food shopping, and did an obviously bad and inconsiderate job of it. You wouldn’t have owed them a tea and breakfast service even if they’d made better food choices, especially since they volunteered and you’d have happily done it yourself otherwise. It’s not a major task and certainly not one that entitles them to demand that you and your friends become their private caterers for the weekend!

The husband, in particular, sounds like an abusive bully. No rational, decent adult behaves that way. I don’t think you or your DP did anything obviously wrong.

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Yes, exactly right.
And yes, that was what I was shocked at that it was poor quality. I have to admit I was also surprised at the choice of cereal and some of the snacks as they were more what I consider things for DC. But I accept other adults may like those. And yes, exactly - they were not bog standard things - which to me would mean perhaps supermarket own brand or a cheaper brand - i.e not luxury brands but not the super cheap basics items.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:32

MoonintheStreet · 29/06/2024 01:12

But some people choose quantity over quality. Some people like white sliced bread, cereal, baked beans, squash, sausages etc. and snack on biscuits and crisps. Some people literally can’t taste the difference. My father’s approach to food is that it should be ‘nice and hot and plenty of it’. He’d prefer to big plate of cheap food to something he ‘had to appreciate’.

To them it wasn’t a ‘bad and inconsiderate job’ of breakfast shopping — they presumably bought the kind of thing they eat themselves. The OP even acknowledges this — that it was a matter of mismatched expectations. If they don’t eat like that themselves, they can have had no idea the OP wanted freshly-squeezed orange juice, wholemeal bread, freerange eggs, yoghurt, fruit and pastries. They presumably thought that a vegetarian could eat beans if she wanted more than toast and cereal.

Obviously the hitting someone who drank their vodka thing is territorial and quite mad (I seem to remember people hiding their own bottles at student parties when we were all skint), but I’m not sure I necessarily think they consciously skimped on breakfast food to spend the OP’s money on booze.

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But again, it wasn't the breakfast items as such. There were eggs which was fine but they were caged hens ones. The baked beans were the basics ones which I honestly don't know anyone that likes them. Presumably they do but they must know many people don't. Many people are actually quite particular about a specific brand with baked beans! They had the money to buy better quality. As I said even if we'd have all tucked in there would be loads left over. It wasn't like we were going to spend the weekend sitting in the house eating as many crisps and biscuits as we could manage do why did we need quantity over quality. And especially on a celebratory weekend away?

I do know what you mean that some people prefer quantity over quality. My ex MIL was like that. Would rather have a massive plate of not very nice food that you couldn't eat all of, than a normal portion of nicer food. She saw it as a value for money issue.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:43

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 29/06/2024 03:17

This is getting the strangest replies I’ve ever seen on mumsnet.

OP you are not an alcoholic or unreasonable not to want to eat crap food. I don’t eat crap food ever. I certainly wouldn’t do it on holiday! I love nice wine too! It doesn’t make me an alcoholic. It makes me an adult who has good taste in things.

Leave the rest of these daft bastards replying to you with nonsense to their smart price beans. Fuck em! YANBU.

Thank you! I did find it odd my DP and I being called heavy drinkers as if that was the reason DP had some of the vodka! I think this situation proves that sharing alcohol doesn't make you a heavy drinker as the only one who was drunk was the violent man. Having said that I don't actually know how much he drunk. My DP was a bit tipsy mainly as he's not used to drinking!

And yes, thank you. I don't think not wanting to eat rubbish food makes you snobby. I have a friend who is on a very low income (in fact she lives in a hostel now with her 2 DC as she was made homeless) - she is very into nutrition and always eats good quality food.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:46

Andwegoroundagain · 29/06/2024 07:43

You're not BU OP.
You didn't like the breakfast offerings and it wasn't a huge choice as your are veggie anyway (and you'd told them). Yes I can see how they'd maybe thought everyone would cook them a massive fry up but then again the other couple didn't either?
But you slipped out and bought your own and said nothing. That was not offensive.
You didn't make tea but you didn't have any. So also not offensive. Did the other couple make tea?
You openly shared your wine and nibbles and your DP had a glass of vodka without being asked. And got that reaction.
Honestly these people sound batshit !

I think the other couple did make some tea and I'm sure offered the violent couple some. I think maybe why my DP was singled out as usual not making them tea was another thing we did wrong.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:47

SweetLittlePixie · 29/06/2024 07:43

Well his wife was drinking OPs wine. Thats a very clear sign its free for all. You dont bring a bottle of spirits to a party and drink it alone. Even if you specify ‘this is my alcohol, not to share’ people would think youre insane.

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I've never come across that either.

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PeppermintParty · 29/06/2024 12:49

I'm sure I can't be the only one that is curious about how the rest of the trip panned out after you and your DP left. Have you had any feedback from the others on the trip about whether this was an isolated incident, or whether the man kicked off about anything else to the other guests?

Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 12:53

StarvingMarvin222 · 29/06/2024 07:58

But they weren't only feeding themselves,they should have thought about the other couples.
They paid the same amount,so if couple A likes that stuff,fair enough.
But they could have included stuff the other 2 couples liked.

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To my mind if you're buying for other people you don't know well and you've not asked them (and they've not volunteered any information either) you don't assume they like 'quantity over quality' and get the cheapest things but go in the middle perhaps. Own brand rather than luxury brands. Unless of course you've not got enough money for that. But they did. I don't know if they did it on purpose but they certainly would have had money left over and loads of food left over too.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:00

MoonintheStreet · 29/06/2024 09:08

But the OP says they didn’t say. She says in her first post that while it isn’t the kind of food she eats, nothing had been specified about what kind of breakfast food was to be purchased with the kitty, and it was a case of ‘mismatched expectations’.

I mean, obviously this couple behaved badly later on, but it’s perfectly possible they just bought the kind of food they eat themselves.

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Yes, we didn't have any kind of conversation about what to buy/quality. So yes, maybe that is the food they eat themselves even on holiday and they didn't realise most people don't eat it. However, I do think they confused things by asking for enough money to buy decent food. If they'd asked for a small amount then we would have probably said 'oh, that's not enough for all of us for a decent breakfast' and I guess the conversation around expectations would have happened. I think it was strange for them to think we would want the quantity of things they bought with lots left over. I mean why transport it to the holiday house only to then transport it back?

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:06

marmiteoneverything · 29/06/2024 09:47

Not what you would expect to eat, no. They must be happy to eat it though as it’s what they chose to spend the money on, unless you think that they kept back some of the money you sent? If you were all eating breakfast in your separate lodges then maybe they didn’t consider that to be part of the celebration and were happy with the basics?

I do get it- I don’t eat meat (or any eggs from shops, let alone caged ones) so I wouldn’t have eaten most of it either. My point was that I think you just have to accept that your wires got a bit crossed on that one. If you trust other people to do your shopping then you kind of have to accept that they will get what they want/think is suitable unless you ask them for something specific.

It’s disappointing, but not worth crying over!

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Yes, true - not what I would expect to eat.

And yes, they obviously were happy to eat it. I assume they did keep some of the money back. I wonder if they even put any money in - maybe they thought they didn't have to as they bought the food and brought it to the holiday home. And yes, maybe that was the case.

And I will remember in future to be much more specific if anything like this happens again! I think I'd offer to do the shopping if this happened again! But to be honest I don't think we'd go away with a couple we don't know extremely well ever again.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:10

MoonintheStreet · 29/06/2024 10:03

No, obviously the OP did nothing wrong. She and her boyfriend just happened to go away for a weekend with someone who thinks hitting peoole is an acceptable thing to do.

I just think the breakfast food subplot is a total red herring. There seems to be no evidence whatsoever the other couple deliberately bought cheap breakfast food in order to use the rest of the money for the bottle of spirits that started the fight.

The other thing that strikes me is that the weekend sounds a bit joyless. I would have expected one of the houses to be designated a communal gathering spot if the weekend was to celebrate someone’s birthday, but the OP describes drinking alone in her house on the first proper night of the trip, with only the two other couples staying there (neither of whom are the birthday person), during which all the men get drunk on spirits, and then the spirit-buying couple kick off and the man attacks the OP’s boyfriend.

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I don't know what they used the extra money for but it could have been the vodka! I don't think it really matters.

The trip involved us doing things together most of the time. This was just a little bit of down time before we were going out for dinner.

Only the violent man got drunk. And well, yes him attacking my boyfriend was very joyless, I agree!

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:15

I just re-read my OP and I did say the men were 'a bit drunk'. To clarify - it was only violent man that was what I would really describe as drunk. But my DP was a bit 'tipsy.' I was actually a bit annoyed about that but as we were going out soon, I wasn't too worried as he'd not be having anymore of the vodka.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:21

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/06/2024 10:20

Similar thing happened on a friends hen do to a Uk city.
The organiser had promised us a boutique hotel which we handed money over for but then it “fell through” and we ended up in a big house share type place (swear it was just student digs) that was miles from the city centre and she asked us for money for food, what arrived was the biggest amount of cheap crap I’ve ever seen in my life. So what could have been a nice breakfast with normal amounts of food for 11 women turned into multiple bags of 32 frozen sausages and - wait for it - UNSMOKED BACON!
Due to shit kicking off the night before because this woman was coked up and being a twat, one of my close friends and i disappeared to sit in coffee shop for several hours so missed the delightful culinary feast that was cooked up.
We also missed the the coked up woman disappearing home with most of the other women’s train tickets.

Total shit show and I remain convinced that the woman made a lot of money off people that weekend!

Oh my goodness! Sounds like a lot of similarities! How many sausages did she think one person would eat!!

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:28

FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 11:55

This with bells on.

The OPs privilege is showing more and more with each post.

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But why are the things I like less valid than liking very cheap food? I don't know how I can say I don't like that kind of food without 'showing my privilege'. I admit I grew up in a middle class home so I guess my tastes reflect that. But I can't change that. If other people want to eat basic food then that is perfectly fine. But if that's what they wanted maybe they should have communicated that and charged us less!

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:29

FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 12:05

I just didn't like the food they bought. The eggs were caged hens ones. Obviously I don't eat the meat. Then sugary cereal and cheap white bread. I really don't mean to offend but I just don't like that food.

I 100% could have written this. But then that's why I would never agree to split a food shop with anyone.

I will remember that from now on.

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Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 13:29

It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes.

So what happened when the two of you left suddenly before dinner? Was the first your other friends (in different holiday homes) knew about it was when you didn’t turn up to dinner? Did drunk couple go to dinner and explain what happened? Did they go to the rest of the weekend activities?

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 29/06/2024 13:38

BagFullOfNoodles · 28/06/2024 19:11

I'd think I was superior to someone who got smashed on vodka and tried to fight someone too

Right?

Some posters are being real dicks to the OP for some reason.

This couple sound like scum.

Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:41

PeppermintParty · 29/06/2024 12:49

I'm sure I can't be the only one that is curious about how the rest of the trip panned out after you and your DP left. Have you had any feedback from the others on the trip about whether this was an isolated incident, or whether the man kicked off about anything else to the other guests?

The man did not kick of about anything else as far as I'm aware. However, he remained resolute that he was in the right. I think he was quite brazen and not aware that nobody agreed with him. I do feel sorry for his wife as she was embarrassed by him and I'm sure she was aware of the atmosphere at the dinner. She was also very upset at the thought of losing our group as friends. I think everyone just did their best to enjoy the rest of their time and not spoil it for our birthday friend.

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Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:54

Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 13:29

It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes.

So what happened when the two of you left suddenly before dinner? Was the first your other friends (in different holiday homes) knew about it was when you didn’t turn up to dinner? Did drunk couple go to dinner and explain what happened? Did they go to the rest of the weekend activities?

So, yes the first the others knew about it was when we didn't turn up to dinner. This was as dinner was so close to us leaving. I did speak to birthday friend that evening to apologise for leaving but they completely understood. They felt guilty for inviting drunk couple. I imagine our friends from our holiday home quietly spoke to our birthday friend. Drunk couple did indeed go to dinner!! The man was pretty brazen I think! I must admit I thought at first perhaps they'd leave and we could go back. The man thought he was in the right. It was an awkward situation for everybody. I'm not exactly sure what happened the next day but our friends from our holiday home decamped to another home as soon as they got up.

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BusyMummy001 · 29/06/2024 13:59

On the few shared holidays I’ve been on, with very good/close friends before covid, wine/alcohol (everything) has been shared all round. There’s often been a kitty too.

I’m inclined to think that this man, being drunk so early on etc, might actually have a latent drink problem and that the spirits were his tipple of choice and he became belligerent. That being the case, he ought to have brought something his wife could drink and not helped himself to your offerings.

Have heard of similar stories from acquaintances though, recently, and it has confirmed both my and my DHs view that you avoid group holidays with people you don’t know that well. Travelling with out own teens is hard enough without navigating drunk near-stranger’s foibles too.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 14:01

However, he remained resolute that he was in the right. I think he was quite brazen and not aware that nobody agreed with him

So he carried on with the weekend thinking everyone thought he was in the right? And no one else mentioned what happened?

Thats bizarrre. I can’t imagine my husband being physically attacked and us leaving, and all my friends just carrying on for the weekend like nothing had happened.

Original poster

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 14:16

BusyMummy001 · 29/06/2024 13:59

On the few shared holidays I’ve been on, with very good/close friends before covid, wine/alcohol (everything) has been shared all round. There’s often been a kitty too.

I’m inclined to think that this man, being drunk so early on etc, might actually have a latent drink problem and that the spirits were his tipple of choice and he became belligerent. That being the case, he ought to have brought something his wife could drink and not helped himself to your offerings.

Have heard of similar stories from acquaintances though, recently, and it has confirmed both my and my DHs view that you avoid group holidays with people you don’t know that well. Travelling with out own teens is hard enough without navigating drunk near-stranger’s foibles too.

Edited

Perhaps that was why he was so protective of his vodka?

But yes, I think you are quite right not to holiday with anyone you don't know extremely well.

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