To expect to share alcohol?

[Riversideandrelax]

We went on an adult only trip to to celebrate a big birthday of a friend. It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes. We were sharing with one couple who are mutual friends of ours and one couple who we'd met a few times before but are not friends of ours.

Before we went this couple suggested we all put a bit of money in and they'd get some basic ingredients for breakfast/snacks for the holiday home. We agreed as did the friends of ours.

When we arrived they showed us what they'd bought. It was lots of 'basics' type things like cheap white bread, biscuits, crisps, squash, margarine, baked beans, instant coffee, sugary cereal, lots of sausages and bacon (I'm vegetarian.) This is not the type of food I normally eat but after a moment just thought I obviously had different expectations but as nothing was specified I'll have to put it down to experience. So we didn't say anything negative about the food - just got on with it.

We'd all brought some alcohol with us. Myself and the friends of ours said to everybody else 'please help yourself.' We'd brought a bottle of champagne, some wine and beers. Our friends had bought similar. The other couple bought a bottle of spirits. I realise now they'd not suggested that it was to be shared. I'd also brought some nice nibbles to share - crisps, olives, bread sticks.

On the first proper night (had arrived late on the first day) we were all sat in the lounge having some drinks and the nibbles I'd brought. I'd opened one of our bottles of wine and myself and the 2 other women were drinking that. The men all had some of the spirit. Anyway the evening went on and the men were a bit drunk. The man who brought the bottle of spirits started a physical fight with my DP because he'd helped himself to the spirit. It all came out. About how they'd offered us a cup of tea but we'd not reciprocated - we didn't ever have a tea as we don't like the cheap tea bags. We should have made them breakfast to thank them for getting the shopping.

I realised the whole thing about us paying for this shopping was essentially because they couldn't bare to share anything.

My DP didn't retaliate but left the holiday home to go for a walk to let things calm down. When he got back we packed our things and left.

I think the moral is not to go on holiday with people you don't know well. We are the type of people that share everything. They'd been counting every time my partner had some of their alcohol. They also eat very differently to us, which is fine, I'd just not realised. But perhaps they should have checked as they wanted to do it this way.

😂

Honestly, it would make me feel bad if they knew I didn't like their food.

But my DP is from the same background as them.

Unfortunately, due to my autism I know sometimes I give away feelings that I don't mean to. Hence, me saying they may have read it on my face. It was really not deliberate.

I did tell them I was vegetarian.

I just didn't like the food they bought. The eggs were caged hens ones. Obviously I don't eat the meat. Then sugary cereal and cheap white bread. I really don't mean to offend but I just don't like that food.

We just went for a walk and grabbed something from the bakery. They were still in bed. We really tried our best not to offend.

If I came across with a snobby attitude then I would be very sorry as I would never mean to do that. But is it no ok to like different things? I don't have to like their food? And we did all pay a decent amount of money. There was no need for them to get cheap things. I do wonder what they did with the money.

Regularly get together as friends both at home and on holiday and what we bring is fair game unless it's very specifically mentioned. I do think this is a failure to communicate clearly but that doesn't mean violence is ever ok!

Yes, spoken to them all. They were all disgusted with the behaviour of this man. And the other couple in our house thought they were ridiculous expecting breakfast and cups of tea. Funnily enough they also wondered if the couple used our breakfast money for their vodka. But we've all just chalked it up to experience and won't make the same mistake again.

Yes, I do think they have the impression they were happy to share. Honestly, when it all kicked off I was so surprised! I had no idea they were thinking all these things!

I think DP and our friend were just trying to join in with this guy. Trying to be inclusive, I guess.

I guess we are different to you. If someone asked we'd laugh and say no need to ask - help yourself!

And I don't think us bringing a bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne and some beers to share over a weekend is alcoholic territory to be honest.

Thank you. Yes, this is what I thought. At a celebration you eat nice food. And it wasn't like they didn't have the money to get nice things as we'd all chipped in.

Oh no I agree...I just found it odd you (OH) would take wine and beer and then drink vodka...seems strange leep.

If you don't drink it often perhaps taking too much.

I think you were just very different with very different expectations and although I think I would be somewhere in the middle I lean toward your approach.

Initially I thought it was quite nice of them to offer to do the breakfast shop. But what I realised afterwards was it was their way to try and control them not having to share anything and reduce their costs. Selfish, basically.

It wasn't bog standard. It was super cheap stuff. Not what you expect to eat at a nice celebratory weekend away.

OP stop justifying yourself - you are correct.

I have unfortunately learned that there are people who think it's appropriate to, for example, bring a bottle to your house and expect to sit and drink only that. They just don't realise that this is the height of poor manners and not the reverse. If you are coming to someone's house, you bring a gift for the host and then drink what you are served (unless you're a 16 year old at a house party). Even if you would have preferred to drink/consume your gift, you accept that as a 'sunk cost' of attending a social event which someone else has kindly hosted for you. In a communal situation, the correct etiquette is that everything is communal. This is not in question unless you have no manners.

Why are on earth are you going on holiday with the type of people who start physical fights?!

Same as us then.

I think you can like different food, but then it was your error to agree to let them buy and share food.
Their food sounds fine to me.
But i wouldnt be happy if it looked like they pocketed extra money.
Even as vegipgie you aphad choice of
Toast
Beans
Cereal
Eggs

Oh, I see what you mean! Well, I really wish he had stuck to the beers!

Yes, I agree. Their way is fine (minus the violence of course!) - we just didn't realise!

Ok!

And we didn't realise the man was like that!!

Yes, we didn't think it through properly.

The eggs were from caged hens. I wouldn't have liked the super cheap toast or beans. And I don't like sugary cereal. So I suppose some people may think I'm quite fussy. So yes, it was a mistake to expect them to get things I'd like when I didn't know what they thought was a nice breakfast.

Re the food, unfortunately this is what happens when one person or couple are left in charge of selecting everything. Perhaps they wanted to stretch the money as far as they could because they wouldn't be able to top up during the stay? Quite thoughtless that they didn't buy veggie stuff for you. My SIL is veggie and I always buy some veggie sausages or something for her. Just like I always have some GF biscuits at home for my coeliac friend when she pops by. It's just being thoughtful.

Re breakfast, I would have been hurt if you snuck off for breakfast. I'd assume in that setting you'd have a team breakfast where you all chip in (in one way or another). But I'd also probably say something the day before so everyone was on the same page.

Re the drink, they were arseholes. It's a very understandable misunderstanding. In my circle we always share all the drinks. At the very least, it's usually discussed before hand ("let's all bring drinks to share. What does everyone like?"). If someone doesn't want to share then they can say then.
That said, in DHs shoes I probably would have checked before I poured myself a second glass, but if I was the other fellow I would have said something like "ah that's the only thing I'll drink this weekend so id rather not share" or I'd pop the bottle away after pouring.

However, none of that excuses him getting physical.

I think you are getting some harsh responses here OP.
If im on holiday, and self catering, I want to have nice food, nicer than I would buy for myself at home.
It sounds like the couple have bought the cheapest, crappest most processed food they could. I am absolutely no snoglb, but if I put money towards food and got a white "essentials" loaf with cheap crisps and sausages, I'd be annoyed.

I think you may be right about the breakfast. And I genuinely feel bad about that. I think they probably did expect a communal breakfast as we'd all chipped in for the food.

Thank you.

It's not that I don't understand about budgeting for food. I absolutely do. I eat porridge for breakfast at home.

But if I'm away I'd like some nice coffee, some freshly squeezed orange juice, maybe some eggs and wholemeal toast or a veggie sausage sandwich or some fruit salad and yogurt or pastries! I wasn't expecting caged hens eggs, basic baked beans and cheap white toast. They had the money to get nicer than basics stuff so their decision is hard to understand.

Violence aside, because there is no excusing or justifying that, you just sound like very different people with different expectations and inadequate communication.

I’d chalk this up to experience and make sure expectations are clear in the future.

Spot on op. I’m veggie too - I would’ve expected the same. Most people would.

There's no excuse for violence

But you come off very snobby. You still keep mentioning how expensive the stuff was you brought and how fancy you wanted breakfast

It would have been obvious you didn't eat their breakfast. Nothing had gone, no cooking smells etc. And I agree they probably thought it would be a communal affair

And if you and the other couple had EXPLICITLY said "oh help yourself" about the drink, them not saying anything should have been taken as red that they didn't mean it to be shared.

@Riversideandrelax is not snobby,she just wants a choice of some food that she'll actyeat.
She's paid her money just like the other couples

What's wrong with having nice stuff on holiday,you're there to enjoy yourself.
You're not there for penance.

It all sounds like a nightmare, OP. I am vegetarian, and admit that I like to eat well, and am fortunate to be able to pay to do that. I like you, would have really struggled to eat what they brought, or even to drink the coffee. I hear you.

I suspect that them knowing none of you ate any of what they brought for breakfast, nor anything else throughout the day was uncomfortable. Then seeing your 'nice snacks' and choice of alcohol may well have been mortifying, whether intentional or not. They clearly missed the mark in all the ways, and the weekend was just warming up. Too much drink, embarrassed and angry. Not an excuse at all - there is none for violence! - but I feel almost sorry for them here.