To expect to share alcohol?

[Riversideandrelax]

We went on an adult only trip to to celebrate a big birthday of a friend. It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes. We were sharing with one couple who are mutual friends of ours and one couple who we'd met a few times before but are not friends of ours.

Before we went this couple suggested we all put a bit of money in and they'd get some basic ingredients for breakfast/snacks for the holiday home. We agreed as did the friends of ours.

When we arrived they showed us what they'd bought. It was lots of 'basics' type things like cheap white bread, biscuits, crisps, squash, margarine, baked beans, instant coffee, sugary cereal, lots of sausages and bacon (I'm vegetarian.) This is not the type of food I normally eat but after a moment just thought I obviously had different expectations but as nothing was specified I'll have to put it down to experience. So we didn't say anything negative about the food - just got on with it.

We'd all brought some alcohol with us. Myself and the friends of ours said to everybody else 'please help yourself.' We'd brought a bottle of champagne, some wine and beers. Our friends had bought similar. The other couple bought a bottle of spirits. I realise now they'd not suggested that it was to be shared. I'd also brought some nice nibbles to share - crisps, olives, bread sticks.

On the first proper night (had arrived late on the first day) we were all sat in the lounge having some drinks and the nibbles I'd brought. I'd opened one of our bottles of wine and myself and the 2 other women were drinking that. The men all had some of the spirit. Anyway the evening went on and the men were a bit drunk. The man who brought the bottle of spirits started a physical fight with my DP because he'd helped himself to the spirit. It all came out. About how they'd offered us a cup of tea but we'd not reciprocated - we didn't ever have a tea as we don't like the cheap tea bags. We should have made them breakfast to thank them for getting the shopping.

I realised the whole thing about us paying for this shopping was essentially because they couldn't bare to share anything.

My DP didn't retaliate but left the holiday home to go for a walk to let things calm down. When he got back we packed our things and left.

I think the moral is not to go on holiday with people you don't know well. We are the type of people that share everything. They'd been counting every time my partner had some of their alcohol. They also eat very differently to us, which is fine, I'd just not realised. But perhaps they should have checked as they wanted to do it this way.

Where did you go if you'd been drinking?

Were they embarrassed when they realised you didn't want to eat the food?

You should have just said we will buy our own.

Basically he was totally wrong to attack your DH. But you seem to have set yourself up as the generous ones - we just share everything, and not considered someone else's point of view. You agreed to the buying shared food, and then were not happy at what was bought, even though you had not communicated what you might want. You assumed his spirits were to share, even though he had not said it was to share.
There are a lot of assumptions, poor communication, and a sense of superiority that your way of doing things is the right way.

No, the person should wait to be offered some of the drink not just help themselves, that’s very rude.

I’m a sharing person and I always bring extra but I’d never just help myself to someone else’s drink without being offered, even if I’ve offered my own to share, which I always do. I think there’s a bit of a difference between spirits and wine and some people are very specific about what they drink. I’ve had people turn up with a bottle of cheap plonk before and then proceed to mainline their way through my expensive gin, I chalk it up to the cost of hosting but I can kind of see why they’d be annoyed.

Obviously he was extremely out of order to punch your husband though, my husband would have punched him back and they’d have been the ones leaving in the morning not us!

"I personally find it quite miserly not to share"
This is the moral superiority. You made it clear you think the other men could have drunk all of his spirits, and he should have just bought more locally.

You know what, I really tried not to 'turn my nose up at the food.' But I don't deny I was really shocked when they showed it to us so it may have shown on my face. But we didn't say anything negative about it. Thanked them for getting it. And quietly slipped off to get some breakfast in the morning.

You were really shocked by some white bread and crisps? Fucking hell, I’m a healthy eater but that’s incredibly precious and it would have really pissed me off.

OP just admit it, you think you are superior to this other couple and the man in the couple got fed up of your husbands attitude.

I agree with this post.

There's something a bit 'Hyacinth Bucket' about the OP's attitude and if any of that came across, I expect that's what kicked it off eventually after a whole day of it.

But as you say, he was totally wrong to attack the OP's DH.

Agreed.

And I think it's weird to help yourself to someone else's spirits when they haven't offered.

It's no excuse to get physical, nonetheless.

They are insane. Yes if food is shared, and 5 out of the 6 people in the house are happily sharing alcohol, it's kind of a given that the 6th person (who's partner is sharing alcohol) is willing to share a cheap bottle of spirits, unless they specifically say they don't want to. And inexcusable to attack him (and then try and justify it by saying you should have psychicly known to cook them breakfast to say thanks, for doing the plan they suggested, even though you'd already said thanks). They sound awful

Why did they feel the need to leave? If someone started a physical fight with me I would be out of there and not spend a minute more with them!!!

OP, you and your husband sound nice and normal. The acquaintance couple sound like pure scum.

We don't really drink a lot anyway. We just like to share. I suppose it was how I was brought up. I'd never drink a whole bottle of wine to myself - I only have a couple of glasses.

They sound like charmless morons with shit taste.

We got a taxi to a hotel.

I don't know. We didn't say we didn't want to eat the food or make any kind of deal about it. And they didn't say anything.

The man brought a bottle of spirits. Maybe he does not like wine?
I go along with things for friendship sometimes. I have felt forced to share a nice bottle of red wine while others have only brought white wine which I hate. Some people will drink any alcohol, others will not.
OP mentions champagne as if she is generous. But not everyone likes champagne.

Well, yes, I wished I had! But we were just being easy going and just went along with it. Obviously, with hindsight that was a mistake.

And truthfully, you brought at least 3 bottles and beer and and you say the other couple brought similar. That is pretty heavy drinking in my books whatever you think. A couple of large glasses of wine is easily half a bottle of wine.
I find though people who regularly drink a lot never think they do.

You have basically said that you've reflected on this and realised some of your errors. The biggest of which was allowing them to do the shop when you are a vegetarian. I'm vegan and wouldn't dream of agreeing to give money to people to purchase food for me, even if I highlighted I was vegan. Unless they also followed the same diet of course.

Regarding the alcohol, I don't think yabu in the slightest. They do sound tight and the man's behaviour to attack you partner is disgusting. Sorry you went through that.

It is easy to accuse other people of being tight if they have to be more careful with money than you. It is easy to be generous and spend money on others when you have the money.

Aside from who paid, cheap teabags, spirits and wine, I just wouldn’t want to holiday with someone that physically fights over a bottle of whiskey or whatever. They sound like scum. Glad you left. You did the right thing.

They sound utterly vile. Violent grabby twats. I’d have burst into tears at that shit ‘breakfast’ so don’t worry about your ‘shocked face’ op! You did the right thing to get away asap.

Does the birthday person know what kicked off? what are their thoughts?

I wouldn’t expect to share alcohol as my friends all like different drinks (I love my mini bottles of sparkling wine which aren’t very shareable). One of my best friends is the nicest people you’d ever meet but if anyone touches her New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc she really really doesn’t like it. My DH made this mistake once.
I wouldn’t share with my DH’s side of the family either as they are very much ‘wine police’ and I can’t be doing with it.
So over the years I find it’s best to keep
alcohol for personal consumption at group events.

No, within this friendship group we all share. Everyone is just generous with each other..because we like each other, we're friends. But yes, you are quite right at the time I did not realise they had a different view. But being the odd one out they should have made that clear.

And again, yes you are right we didn't communicate what we wanted. But I didn't realise we had to communicate we didn't want the cheapest food possible in huge quantities. But I did tell them I was vegetarian. For the same money they could have bought a normal amount of nicer breakfast things and a few nice snacks. We were only there for the weekend! But again yes, in hindsight maybe we all should have made a list or something. But at that point it would have been easier just to bring your own.

And yes, you are right we made an assumption. We were all sharing, they were sharing our items we thought we could share theirs. But the couple should have made it clear they didn't want anyone sharing their bottle.

And I'm sorry if it is coming across as my way is the right way. I really tried to not embarrass them. And I would have been fine if they said not to drink their bottle. I would have still shared mine with them but at least we would have known! I feel we all communicated much more than the other couple. We made it clear everything was to share. They said nothing.

It is easy to accuse people of being tight if they are helping themselves to your stash, and kicking off if you drink theirs.

It is wrong to accuse someone of being tight if they've said 'Look, the alcohol is off limits. We have brought what we can, and that's for us'.