To let Dd skive off tomorrow because of sports day?

[Cadela]

Honestly, the way the school organises it is horrendous. It’s FOURTEEN different ‘sports’ that you have five minutes at, and the kids have to perform in front of their peers so it’s already stressful. Plus there is no races, no medals, no winning!

Last year Dd was crying the whole way round because she was so worried about looking silly in front of the year 6s. She’s 7.

Usually I am very much of the let’s crack on and show ourselves we can do it! Mindset, but honestly Dd has been crying about this every bedtime and I just don’t want to force her to do it.

You don't have to put where you came in your year 6 sats either.

And plenty of children do PE GCSE now

I'm with you OP.

I'm 55 and was not a sporty child. I was the one no-one wanted on their team at primary so well remember the bullying that resulted when the teacher made the decision.

I hated sports day.

Like others here the supposed resilience gained from being forced to participate simply robbed me of the capacity to enjoy physical activity at all, and of trust in other people in many areas.

One thing that strikes me is the number of threads I've seen on MN where people ask if they are being U to avoid work activities like team-building events, and often the consensus is that it's fine to avoid them because cost, inconvenience, pointlessness etc. Bottom line is they don't want to do it isn't it?

Yes, there are things we "have" to do, and primarily we suck it up because there is usually a tangible benefit at the end that outweighs the discomfort. I fail to see the tangible benefit of a day of discomfort and humiliation other than the nebulous gamble that down the line it might foster a sense of "resilience".... a word I'm beginning to hate with a passion.

Life is all about choices. In this case you're choosing your daughter. And the world won't end because she didn't spend a day over-heated and humiliated. I hope you do something nice together ❤️

I sometimes suspect the resilience comments come from the parents of dcs who thrive on it and just want more people to beat/ watch them win (and who are in fact being vainglorious rather than resilient!)

Myself, I loved sports day for the simple reason we all got an ice cream at the end. So nothing about the pride of resilience or anything so elevated. Children will be children and thus it ever shall be🤷🏻‍♀️

I was the academic kid that was crap at sports. I hated everything about sports day. I guess there were plenty of sporty kids that were crap at maths and science. The world was less fluffy in the 80s, I wasn't allowed to bunk sports day anymore than they were allowed to bunk physics. I guess as a parent it's your call between building resilience and traumatising the kid. It didn't kill me and I'd be included to go with the former.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

This is so true. It’s the competitive aspect of it which is problematic.

Kids who are really gifted and want to compete should be enabled to do so against other teams but it’s the pitting of kids at the same school against one another which is unpleasant.

I can see the benefits of having a day to celebrate activity and exercise with the whole school but the public, performative competition element seems very unhelpful.

I think this would be a good time to remind her that no one's watching her and to crack on.

Are you complaining there's no winning? But then she doesn't want to compete in front of people?
Multiple sports with friends and no competition sounds great, I can't see the problem

I think there will always be things people don't want to do, parents are there to encourage their children to push their boundaries and develop a strong work. There's a big issue with resilience amongst workers in their 20s currently. Lots of sick leave and anxiety. For your child's sake, teach them that they can and will do it, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable (which is a normal human emotion).

While I agree that children should be taught resilience and it would have been better to have worked with the school on this one, sometimes it's ok to skive off and I think we all know the joy of being allowed to skip something we didn't want to do. And she's only 7. Do what you think best op. Life is one long lesson in resilience so maybe there's a place for random joy as well.

I don’t get this approach, teach them to run away from their problems if you want. My youngest had her sports day the other week, it’s was great fun…all the kids were really supportive of each other, they had medals and winners, kids won and kids lost. That’s life.
I don’t see how it’s any different to when a school does music things or nativity plays and kids who clearly don’t want to be there have to do it. My DS has all the rhythm and musical ability of a drunk giraffe and he had to be part of a drumming thing they did in primary a few years ago…I just told him to do your best. He did it and has no life altering scars, he was out of his comfort zone to say the least.

Nope- my daughter came 7th out of 8 last week In 400 metres. She came off and said ‘mummy, that was horrendous! But at least I did it! Layla didn’t even try!’

Our school lets children work as backstage crew if being on stage fills them with horror

She did it last year. That didn't solve a lot of problems, did it?

All those trotting out the resilience line are batshit. Sports day is not the only opportunity for your child to learn resilience. Plus, not every situation needs to be a bloody life lesson.

Keep her off school. It sounds as though she's a great kid who does well and needs her mum to help her out with this one.

And my Step kids mum forced them to go to school even if they felt ill etc. I never did with mine. Guess which children are doing better and school and choose to learn about things in their own time and do their homework without being asked?

Forcing is an approach that can back fire. Teaching them to enjoy and value being active and learning is a far more sustainable long term approach

I'm really getting concerned with the obsession with "teaching resilience". It smacks of Spartanism and can be a cover for thinly disguised sadism - or masochism? "This will hurt me far more than it hurts you" springs to mind.

It's obviously a buzzword situation fostered by social media but I think it's getting out of hand as it has an undertone of zealotry and the "benefits" of suffering, something that religions are condemned for espousing.

It seems to come from a misunderstanding of stoicism which is supposed to be a philosophy of self-control and awareness, not the blind acceptance of injustice or suffering. It's supposed to be about self-protection and understanding in the face of adversity, which is a process in itself.

As ever we swing from one extreme to another, overlooking the middle ground and balance.

We get through challenges of different kinds as we grow up, learning from them. The way in which we do so depends on the support and reaction of those around us. If the reaction of people around you to the way you react to something distressing feels as much of a punishment as the experience itself, it can do massive lasting harm, especially to a child's mind.

When we're told our feelings aren't important we are left struggling because feelings are powerful. They may not be rational or proportionate, but they are drivers of our behaviour. In my experience we ignore them at our peril.

Being listened to might just foster more "resilience" than we realise.

I agree on the resilience point, but also keeping her off is actually a great opportunity for an important life lesson here.

Which is that sometimes you'll be asked to do things that are objectively stupid and serve no useful purpose. Sometimes you'll be able to refuse to do these things with no negative consequences. It's important for DC to be able to identify these occasions, and to understand that it's legitimate for them to say no. That's a much better life lesson to learn than the one that making her go in would teach.

I suspect resilience is talked about so much these days as a counterbalance to the excessive pandering to people's feelings that goes too far in the other direction! I am thinking more of adults here, but children did not get the level of emotional support from teachers or parents that is expected today. I think the change is largely a good thing, but we do also teach the point where every piece of homework is anxiety-inducing and a task we don't want to do is triggering.
Sorry I sound like someone on GB News! But there's some truth in it.

There's nothing "objectively stupid" and "serving no useful purpose" about the sports day the OP describes.

The spirit of Prince Philip is strong on this thread!

Make the children suffer its character building! Not a parenting style we follow.

I have to say I agree with @EatTheGnome . Yes, their post is blunt but that's why anonymous forums can be so useful.

If this has been building up for weeks, it should have been addressed way before. The school could have given her some assistant role that would let her feel comfortable but still experience the day. Then next year she might be ready to fully participate.

Instead your dd has built sports day up into a torture day in her head and will either be very anxious if she goes or have no reason to change her mind if she skips.

But all this said, this in no way makes you a bad parent. Nobody always makes the perfect parenting decision. The key is to keep reflecting how we can do things better next time a similar situation turns up. And asking for advice is a great thing, because it can give us some differing view points.

And whatever you choose, OP, once sport's day is done with, I really think it would be useful to dig into your child's views a bit. Why is she so worried about appearing 'silly' when she's still so young? Is a more serious problem at play e.g. with bullying? What are some long term strategies she or you could put in place to improve her anxiety?

Nope.

It's objectively stupid for multiple reasons. It's poorly organised, is bound to cause some DC stress and is evidently going to lead to absences from school that wouldn't happen otherwise. This is why it's objectively stupid. And if you think it serves a useful purpose despite all the negatives, let's hear what it is.

Couldn't agree more!

I hated PE could not stand it sports days were my hell and my mother would make me go as soon as i got to high school i never did any sports.
As an adult my 2 children did about 3 sport days i either kept them off or asked the teacher if they could do something else.
They hated PE And i was not going to put them through what i had to do.
Not liking or doing sports dont make you unhealthy either.
I hated school end of so pleased my children dont go now.

@SocoBateVira The bar for something to be "objectively" stupid is actually pretty high! Clearly there are students who enjoy it. There is the benefit of physical exercise. There's the chance for parents to come in to see their kids and to be part of the school community. It's been designed to be fun not competitive so everyone should be able to join in even if not keen on athletics or team sports. Children will be cheering and encouraging each other (they won't be allowed to do anything else). Children might find they can do something they didn't think they could. Handled right (and obviously I know my kids' sports days not the OP's, but the set up she describes is the same) it can be a bonding experience for the school community.
Whether OP keeps her dd off or send her in, she needs to examine this fear of being laughed at a bit more. Being too self-conscious can really make life tougher.

Nope- my daughter came 7th out of 8 last week In 400 metres. She came off and said ‘mummy, that was horrendous! But at least I did it! Layla didn’t even try!’

@Janedoe82 And were you proud of her for pointing the finger at someone who didn’t/couldn’t take part? Nice 🙄 I think you’ve proved @Calliopespa's point

The difference being you don’t have to perform maths in front of the whole school and all the parents. I think sports day is barbaric.