To let Dd skive off tomorrow because of sports day?

[Cadela]

Honestly, the way the school organises it is horrendous. It’s FOURTEEN different ‘sports’ that you have five minutes at, and the kids have to perform in front of their peers so it’s already stressful. Plus there is no races, no medals, no winning!

Last year Dd was crying the whole way round because she was so worried about looking silly in front of the year 6s. She’s 7.

Usually I am very much of the let’s crack on and show ourselves we can do it! Mindset, but honestly Dd has been crying about this every bedtime and I just don’t want to force her to do it.

The resilience point which @MistressoftheDarkSide raises is a serious one. I do actually think that resilience is a problem and has been eroded in children. Much has been written about the post COVID crisis in self esteem and the anxiety that comes with that. I do think there is a tendency to over medicalise mental difficulties and to enable children to avoid facing difficult situations.

But I agree that reverting to some boys public school in 1975 model of teaching, being told to crack on and buck up is a disastrously ineffective approach. And as you say a strong element of this is competitive children and competitive parents being stealthily hubristic.

It comes down to understanding the individual child and their particular challenges and guiding them through it appropriately. I think it also requires an understanding of where the line is drawn between genuine fear/anxiety and lack of self confidence/inertia.

OP that is absolutely not being a parent. A parent’s job is to support, to advise, to promote resilience, to be a safe landing place when it all goes wrong. Definitely, definitely not to solve.

I did an online course on resilience (with FutureLearn) because I felt I could do with a bit more 'grit'. It was fascinating. I learned that resilience is something you build in a community - it's not about individuals being strong on their own - and that looking after your own mental and physical health is also important. I think next year the op will know to discuss it with the school in advance and come up with a strategy but I think it's absolutely fine to give a distressed 7 year old a break.

@Tracey444 apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. I didn't realise you were Team Layla, rather than championing the girl who came 7th for having a go.

The sports day set up does sound like it needs work- perhaps you could raise this with school.
No, its not your job to solve all of her problems for her, its your job to support her and teach her the skills she will need in life to solve problems for herself.
One of my children was very similar, came last in everything for Sports day, horrific day for them. But, top of the class for every maths test, every spelling test. It taught them that sometimes we have to do things we wouldn't naturally choose to do, all the other children have to do maths even though many of them will hate it and they might be the winners on sports day- its a chance to learn to be a good "loser" and be default helps teach them to be a good "winner" which is such a valuable life skill.

Speak to school in the interim though, it sounds like there could easily be improvements made that will benefit more than just your child.

@Yerroblemom1923 well you're entirely shifting the meaning of what I said (I assume it's deliberate rather than failure to understand), but you do you...

I was just thinking about this!

I HATED sports day but was always made to go - and I always ended up enjoying myself.

What made it enjoyable was the team atmosphere - and that only really existed at sports events.

I don't know if it was just down to my school (and it was about 30 years ago) but everyone was really encouraging - even if they weren't usually. The older kids painted the younger ones' faces in their 'faction' colours, everyone had to sit and watch all the races so it was pretty boring but it meant that your whole faction was calling out your name and even when you came last (which I did every single race) there was still lots of 'Well done, Claibel' etc etc.. I remember getting hugs from the older girls went I (inevitably) lost and came back crying. We invented rubbish cheerleading routines, had a picnic with our mums for lunch and then got an icecream at the end..

Actually sports day was pretty good! But, yes, it was being in an encouraging team that made it so

Let's not pretend that not attending sports day is the main reason for the increase in childhood obesity. Plenty of children who fear being watched and observed by hundreds of parents are perfectly fit and healthy in other respects. Dd runs, swims, does gymnastics, loves dancing etc and is tall, slim and physically very fit. But ask her to balance a beanbag on her head in front of a large crowd of people and she's a wreck.

You don't perform maths or geography tests in front of the whole class and their parents, do you? But plenty of children struggle to give a presentation in front of them. Is it better to force them to 'perform', leading to increased anxiety and life long fear, or work to support them to build resilience gradually, such as presenting in front of a smaller group and in pairs initially? We're talking about a 7yo, not a 37 year old.

Layla will end up CEO of some large company having successfully PR’d and concealed her weaknesses throughout her career!

Hmm I'm not sure. It's horrible to see your child so anxious about something. But equally, resilience is such a powerful life skill. Not many of us like exams, public speaking, dentists etc but we get on with it. I know she probably won't become an athlete cos of primary school sports day but she'll have tried and there's pride to be had from doing things that don't come naturally.

I would chat to the school about how anxious she is about it though.

Perhaps we could go back to promoting self confidence rather than resilience?

Unfortunately we live in a competitive world and we are encouraged at every turn to compare ourselves with others and practise one upmanship at every turn.

It's marketed as a throwback to the evolutionary thing of survival of the fittest which can lead to some rather unpalatable outcomes if left unchecked.

We are all unique individuals working within society / communities. There is, as I say, a balance to be had.

Some of the most amazing art, writing and music has come from analysing the burden / blessings and mysteries of our consciousness and how we all interact with each other.

Some will come out fighting against disadvantage and conquer it - some will quietly lick their wounds and take a different path. Some will simply fade into obscurity unable to find their niche.

I can't abide "forced fun". Why do I have to follow a herd when it's often a painful endurance test that leaves me with my childhood feelings that there is "something wrong with me".

I'm an over-thinker and an introvert by nature but I have tried alot of things - some I enjoyed, some I didn't so I didn't keep going back. Life circumstances have recently meant I've been excluded from things I did enjoy - a series of unfortunate events most of which I had no control over, and the things I did I didn't handle well due to my distress, which I tried to suppress for the sake of other people. It hasn't ended well and I'm now trying to re-group and rebuild, but on my own terms. It's hard.

Alot of my issues I can clearly see stem from childhood experiences which I can make peace with intellectually but emotionally I get side swiped by the most ridiculous things.

At 7 signs of insecurity should be addressed compassionately. That was around the age my parents divorced and my life got turned on its head. I was expected to "just get on with it". It lead to faking illness and various behaviours because I was prevented from talking about my feelings and insecurities.

It got nipped in the bud but the point I'm trying to make is that the OPs daughter is asking for support for whatever reason and a bit of TLC now on this minor issue in an adults mind might make all the difference next year to a 7 year old.

That’s a good compromise. I guess some schools might have kids as “helpers” on sports day too? Could work well.

Sports day is where I discovered my rebellious streak in year 6.
I refused to run the 1000m, and walked from the start. Came in dead last.

I have never seen my teacher as angry as that day. Not that I cared, because that teacher was a massive arse who only liked the athletic kids, so I was never going to get his approval anyway.

I always hated sports day and wished my mom would let me skive. It was over 2 days on a hot field without any shade. Strictly competitive athletic events.

Talking about resilience...

As I said two of my children don't go to sports days because they hate them and get upset by them. They're still good, well rounded kids who are more than able to handle age appropriate problems themselves. My eldest, who is now home educated went through incredible levels of bullying at secondary school and 'coped' - he wanted to work with school to try and manage it and get on with it. We gave him the option of leaving two years ago to stay home for education and he wanted to see how it went and stuck it out as long as possible. I'd say that's pretty good relisiance bevcause he didn't want to give up, even though he was facing bullying that most adults wouldn't be able to cope with (and shouldn't have to!).

Resilience is developed in a range of ways. Yes, doing things that make us uncomfortable or a little worried at times is one of them, but it's just one of them. Being able to say 'no, that's something I really really cannot or won't do' is another and knowing they have that support behind them. As an adult, I can and do say no to things that I know push me too far beyond my comfort limits - why don't we allow children the same priviledge? Yes, pushing the comfort limits is crucial, and it sounds like she has done that by going to them in the past, and perhaps even taking part in normal PE lessons.

We need to be teaching children about boundaries and when we should be able to say no - especially girls who historically have had to do what their told all the time. Of course there are some boundaries as parents we have to enforce - but picking battles is also important, and things like school trips, extra curriculum activities and sports days are things I am not going to force my kids to do if they feel really uncomfortable doing so.

Maths, English etc is not comparable in the slightest. I hated PE and maths at school equally but PE did make me incredibly anxious because of the competitive and performative aspect of it which does not apply to most other school lessons.

And another thing to consider is that so many people are turned off sports because of school PE lessons and sports days. I was quite a sporty child outside of school but school PE was so horrific that it stopped me doing it altogether. My children who haven't done sports days are just as active and sporty as the ones who do - the one went on a ten mile bike ride recently, will go to play kickabouts, loves tennis. This is because there's not the pressure, the audience, the competitiveness. I'd rather my kids enjoy doing sports and do them because they want to rather than because they are forced to take part in badly organised sports days.

you have to fight the fights that are in your interest, teaching kids to indiscriminately squash their feelings and do it anyway is old fashioned nonsense and depending on your kid, can lead to burnout.

So mine miss sports days, but do enter academic competitions for example, even though the anxiety and stress involved in both is similar.

But one is pointless and the other they want to do and have to deal with tricky feelings.

Exactly, mine will miss sports day if she misses (largely due to the stupidly over the top prize for the winning house) but regularly performs in professional theatre shows. I think she's sufficiently resilient!

They don't perform those subjects in front of baying parents though.

My children do sport or are active every day. They enjoy PE. They just hate sports day

Maybe it would be better if only the children that wanted to compete or were good at sports compete. All others can sit and cheer on.
Its the forced having to join in which is embarrassing i think. Its important to those with sporty kids, i get that, but you can still be proud of your child competing against those that want to be there.

Only if all others have to attend and support the theatre kids' end of year play, and the choir kids' Christmas recital (a whole standalone event, not just them providing a bit of music in the middle of some other school event), and the arty kids' exhibition of artworks, and stand quietly and appreciatively while the maths kids sit the Olympiad papers, and cheer on the geography geniuses while they participate in a special field trip just for them.

Otherwise, no, the sporty kids can learn to enjoy what they're good at without needing the cheers of a convenient crowd of compulsory attendees.

No those subject are just assessed and judged and used to determine the majority of their academic career and future prospects…. So no pressure at all.

@MistressoftheDarkSide - 2 brilliant posts.

I was sat here reading the thread and thinking “resilience, my arse” in relation to sports day and enforced “fun”. You expressed it much better.

I do think there is a general misinterpretation of stoicism. So sad that posters have referred to OP’s child as being hysterical and that she shouldn’t be pandered to. Sounds like her worries are justified and she should be able to tell her Mum and be listened to.

Just wanted to let you know Dd and I had a fab day today. We snuck off to Bewilderwood so got some hardcore exercise in on the sky maze! Had a lovely day and she loved every second of it.

And I will put plans in place for next year!

Yes but they don't have to perform them in front of an audience. And their grades are confidential not paraded to the school at large unless their parents post them all on Facebook

I can't see how it's relevant to sports day that these subjects are graded. Maybe they could just grade PE rather than make children run in front of hoardes of yelling parents

Perfect

I’m sure it’s supposed to be fun and lots of DC will thoroughly enjoy it. OP’s DD is not one of them. It’s the equivalent to a work team building day. It’s an escape from the office but whether it really builds the team ..,