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AIBU?

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Original poster

Moving in with MIL (but she wants to parent my child)

124 replies

randomusername2024 · 27/06/2024 07:26

As title says, we have to move in with MIL for a little while which originally I was fine with. We have a 5 month old reflux and allergy baby who never sleeps so the thought of having more help was actually great. We spend a lot of time at MIL house and she does a lot to help us out with the baby as he never wants to be put down and needs constant entertainment which is draining when you get no sleep every night.

Despite how helpful she’s been, I realised i’ve been ignoring how a lot of her comments make me feel because of the fact she’s so helpful. She tries to parent my child and counters everything I say that is different to how she would have done it. Eg. my baby is breastfed but has some formula here and there and I don’t feel like he needs water as he’s not even 6m yet, I just increase his BF sessions when it’s hot to keep him hydrated. She’s obsessed w giving him some cooled boiled water. Everytime i say oh no i don’t think he needs it she’s like yeah just a bit to keep him hydrated is what you’re meant to do. When i say no guidance says from 6m+ she’s like well we did it from 4.5m+. She then carries on bringing up water every time I see her? Another example is me saying my baby should be going down for a nap soon as he woke up early and has been awake for 2hrs. Her: Well they’re awake for much longer now at this age so he’s fine he doesn’t need a nap anymore. He then fell asleep almost immediately when I gave him his dummy and comforter. She also will use baby talk to counteract my parenting by saying things like ‘Nooo we don’t need a nap do we Tyler?’ ‘I think you need some water. Do you want some water bubba?’ (fake name).

As much as it’s great getting so much physical help and I have leaned on her a lot to help when i’ve been sleep deprived and struggling with my postpartum depression, i’m now like hold on… why are you going against my parenting so hard?

I can cut back on the time i see her for now but if we have to move in with her how on earth am i going to resolve this?! She’s a great Nan but I just need the comments / thinking she’s right and it’s her way or the highway to stop 🥲

Thanks so much

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/06/2024 07:28

Do you have to move in?

keylimedog · 27/06/2024 07:28

Do you genuinely have to move in?

If it's annoying you now, it's probably only going to get worse in close quarters.

Hoardasurass · 27/06/2024 07:29

Don't do it. Moving in with this woman will destroy your mh

StormingNorman · 27/06/2024 07:30

Arguing over every little decision will be exhausting. Is there any way of not moving in?

Whinge · 27/06/2024 07:31

You don't have to move in with her, there will be other options.

If it's annoying you now, just remember it's going to be a million times worse if you're living with her 24/7

Needanewname42 · 27/06/2024 07:38

Don't move in!
Been there, got the t-shirt, did my head in we were there for 7 mths.
12 years on relationship has never fully recovered.

Pashazade · 27/06/2024 07:40

Ok so if you absolutely have to move in with her you need to have a proper sit down chat. No children present!
Look MiL all your comments about water and naps the fact that you seem to correct everything I'm doing is making me feel crap. It feels like you're are constantly undermining me and you think I'm a shit mother. Please stop doing it. I would really appreciate it if you could accept the fact that the advice has changed since DP was a baby and I am trying to follow the current advice.
You are a great grandma but it feels like you think I am an awful mother and I worry what this will do to our relationship whilst we live with you.
You have to be blunt now, if you like this woman at all, or it may cause massive issue and you'll loose that relationship altogether.

HanaPales · 27/06/2024 07:47

Where is your partner in all this? It is his mother - he should be the one backing you up and having a serious talk with his mum about you getting to make the rules for your baby.
Some things might get better as the baby gets older (in the month you'll be giving water so if that's a huge issue for her it'll be sorted), but she might just find other things to comment on.

BeachRide · 27/06/2024 08:03

Ask her for some cool boiled water when you're breastfeeding, then smile and drink it. Seriously, this has disaster written all over it. It sounds like you are finding your strength. Now advocate for your baby and your parenting and find your voice.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 27/06/2024 08:19

Whats the issue with giving water now....its bloody boiling at the moment...Im sure i remember giving my breastfed baby water when the temperatures were roasting.

Scruffily · 27/06/2024 08:20

To be honest, the two examples you give don't seem to me to be too terrible. If your baby is over 4.5 months, it won't hurt him to have a little cool boiled water, particularly in the current weather and given that he has reflux I certainly wouldn't be so rigid about insisting a baby must have a nap just because he's been awake two hours. If it's no worse than this, think a bit about whether it might be you who is being over-rigid here.

Chickenuggetsticks · 27/06/2024 08:20

Milk is more hydrating than water, it has sugars and salts in it. My MIL also suggested Dd drink water because she was a fat baby 😑. Flat no.

Original poster
randomusername2024 · 27/06/2024 08:23

myusernamewastakenbyme · 27/06/2024 08:19

Whats the issue with giving water now....its bloody boiling at the moment...Im sure i remember giving my breastfed baby water when the temperatures were roasting.

Its not really the issue with giving water as such more the fact id already stated I don’t think he needs it and that should have been the end of it. NHS guidelines say no water before 6m if breastfed. Honestly it’s probably fine to give him water now but I just don’t feel like he needs it and am happy to just feed him whenever he wants feeding. He’s also a reflux baby so don’t think he needs more liquids that have no nutritional value

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 27/06/2024 08:26

It won’t work. A talk isn’t going to make a difference. She’s gone back into “mum mode” having you there; and she’s behaving like the matriarch making all the decisions. It happens.

The answer is to move out, before it crushes your mental health or takes over your memories of your babies first year.

Whinge · 27/06/2024 08:28

The answer is to move out

The OP doesn't live with her MIL.

@randomusername2024 You don't need to move in with her, there will be other options.

Original poster
randomusername2024 · 27/06/2024 08:29

Scruffily · 27/06/2024 08:20

To be honest, the two examples you give don't seem to me to be too terrible. If your baby is over 4.5 months, it won't hurt him to have a little cool boiled water, particularly in the current weather and given that he has reflux I certainly wouldn't be so rigid about insisting a baby must have a nap just because he's been awake two hours. If it's no worse than this, think a bit about whether it might be you who is being over-rigid here.

I agree, they’re not the worst things in the world. But as I mentioned, it’s more the fact that it’s just parenting choices that she’s ignoring and wanting to do her way. I’m not strict with his naps and don’t even have a proper routine in place, I just know his rough nap times and when he starts to get tired and my baby is one of those that if they don’t nap they get extremely irritable and then overtired and won’t sleep properly. He has 1 morning nap, 1 late morning-afternoon nap then normally a short aft nap. These are all by his own doing not me keeping him on a schedule if that makes sense.

She also got unreasonably annoyed when i said that jumperoos aren’t the best for their hip development and if she HAD to get him one we’d just limit how long he was in it and said well all of my kids were in them and are fine and they’ve been used for years and no problems. I just gave up lol

OP posts:
KnittingKnewbie · 27/06/2024 08:30

Giving water is dangerous for babies.

No nutritional value, fills the baby up so baby then won't drink milk. Can also lead to hyperhidrosis (?).

The composition of Breast milk changes on hot days to become more watery.

Your mil sounds like a pain so avoid moving in but on the water aspect she could harm your baby so you need to stop her.

Muffin101 · 27/06/2024 08:32

Bloody terrible idea to move in with her. I’d be looking at literally any other option to avoid that. The negative ripples this will have on your relationship with not only your MIL but your partner too will be very long reaching.

Janehasamane · 27/06/2024 08:35

Stop relying on her so heavily and then wanting to live in her house too. You can’t have it all ways. There is nothing more to it than that. Either take the help and accept she will habe different views, or stop asking her to do soo much and them even wanting to live in her house. You ask a lot.

Janehasamane · 27/06/2024 08:37

KnittingKnewbie · 27/06/2024 08:30

Giving water is dangerous for babies.

No nutritional value, fills the baby up so baby then won't drink milk. Can also lead to hyperhidrosis (?).

The composition of Breast milk changes on hot days to become more watery.

Your mil sounds like a pain so avoid moving in but on the water aspect she could harm your baby so you need to stop her.

A little cool boiled water when temp is close to 30 to a five month old is not dangerous;

Roselilly36 · 27/06/2024 08:40

Has your partner spoken to their mum about this? Have you discussed how you feel with MIL? You need to do so, otherwise you will begin to resent her. She sounds like she has the best of intentions, but is a little too pushy of her opinions. You are mum, it’s your baby, your view should be respected at all times by MIL. Unless this is dealt with, moving in will only make matters worse. Good luck OP.

DevotedSisterBelovedCunt · 27/06/2024 08:40

Scruffily · 27/06/2024 08:20

To be honest, the two examples you give don't seem to me to be too terrible. If your baby is over 4.5 months, it won't hurt him to have a little cool boiled water, particularly in the current weather and given that he has reflux I certainly wouldn't be so rigid about insisting a baby must have a nap just because he's been awake two hours. If it's no worse than this, think a bit about whether it might be you who is being over-rigid here.

MIL's turned up.

The issue is that the child's mother has decided what she wants to do, so that should be the end of the discussion.

LightDrizzle · 27/06/2024 08:41

I had my first when they advised you could give cooled boiled water. It never made any sense to me and although I dutifully tried a few times in hot weather my Dd was baffled and won’t have got more than a few drops.

Safe drinking water was a rarity until very recent history. How the fuck did they think babies survived in hot countries and weather over the millennia? Far more risk of dying from diarrhoea from dirty water, spoon or bottle. Babies may need more to drink, but not water specifically.

Please don’t move in with your MIL. Try any other avenue first. You will be miserable and cause damage to your relationship with her and probably with your husband.

DevotedSisterBelovedCunt · 27/06/2024 08:42

Janehasamane · 27/06/2024 08:37

A little cool boiled water when temp is close to 30 to a five month old is not dangerous;

Show quote history

As PP has explained, water is less hydrating than breastmilk.

Why are you so keen on dehydrating the baby?! The temp is close to 30, you know.

Original poster
randomusername2024 · 27/06/2024 08:44

I also want to add that I DO really get along with her. Before the baby Id meet up with her weekly for coffee and we’d sit and chat for hours. She does a lot for us and constantly looks after us, makes sure we’ve eaten and helps with the baby. I think all of it is coming from a good place, but as another user suggested, I think she’s gone into mum mode. She also had to parent my sister in laws children so i think she’s just used to others needing her help / guidance?

OP posts:
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